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Bereavement

death/birth

(71 Posts)
londongirl57 Thu 11-Jan-18 15:00:33

My dear mother died suddenly on the 29th January 2013. On 29th January 2015 my twin grandsons were born. I could not believe it. At the time of my daughter going into labour, (they were not due until 4th Feb) I was out of my home, walking about, grieving the loss of my mother. I could not take the news of my new grandsons in at the time and wondered why on earth they were born on the same date of my mothers passing. I have never been able to come to terms with that and feel that moment of grief has been taken away from me. Now every year on my grandsons birthday I cry for the loss of my mother. I still miss her so much and wish that my grandsons did not share that day. I know it sounds selfish of me to feel this way but I can't help the way I feel. I love my grandsons very much and hope that one day when they are old enough to understand, I will explain to them that their great-nana died on the same date that they were born. This year once again I am dreading it, spending the day with my grandsons, trying to be happy when all the time deep down inside I am grieving for my mother.

Bathsheba Thu 11-Jan-18 15:14:35

I am so sad for you, and for your daughter and grandsons. They were born on a day that was filled with sadness for you, and their birth could - and should - have been able to transform that date into one of joy for evermore.
When they are older of course you should tell them that their great grandmother died on the same date as they were born, but please don't ever tell them that their birth and subsequent birthdays were always overshadowed by your grief for your mother. Tell them how much happiness they have brought you and how lovely it is that they were able to mask the sadness of that date by being born then.

mollie Thu 11-Jan-18 15:14:38

I’m sorry to read this. New life should be a cause for celebration and not overshadowed in such a way. My granddaughter was due around the anniversary of my dad’s death and I dreaded the two coinciding. Luckily there are a couple of days between them. I hope you can enjoy the day with your grandsons while remembering your mum.

tanith Thu 11-Jan-18 15:15:21

I'm sorry you find this so upsetting , could you not look at differently. Your Mum is sharing the day with her Great Grandsons so she will always be brought to mind on their birthday and part of the celebration . I've not put that very well but I mean celebrating your Mums memory rather than being sad at her death.

Nonnie Thu 11-Jan-18 15:16:45

We cannot help how we feel so don't try to change it. I can understand that you feel you must be 'happy' for the sake of the GS on the day but when you are not around them I think you should let yourself grieve. Some do tend to advise how one should feel but I have never understood that.

Is there some small ritual you can start for yourself to do on the day?

OldMeg Thu 11-Jan-18 15:17:38

You are so lucky to have a mother you can grieve for. My feeling when my mother died was one of relief, but I won’t go into that as I only mentioned it to make the point that you obviously had a lovely mum.

But, she would not want you to feel that her death overshadowed the birth of her great grandsons. Yes, I understand anniversaries are especially hard, but as someone who has had to deal with a recent tragedy myself, can I make a suggestion?

Allow yourself the morning of her anniversary to grieve deeply. Visit her grave, or whatever. Listen to her favourite music. Look at photographs. Then when you feel ready pick yourself up, give yourself a mental rub down and turn on to your grandsons’ birthday.

It works for me. It might not for you.

Anniebach Thu 11-Jan-18 15:23:08

Londongirl, it is sad, my husband died on my mothers birthday, not only did I have it said - such a pity it will spoil
Mums birthday! but every birthday after was difficult , such as celebration birthday parties , difficult isn't it , could it not be your mother would be thrilled they were born on her birthday x

gillybob Thu 11-Jan-18 15:43:26

My eldest DGD was born on the very day my MiL died. I was excitedly awaiting news of her birth here in the North East, while my poor DH rushed down country in the hope of seeing his mum one last time before she died. He didn't make it on time.

Please don't let the coincidence of a date spoil your enjoyment of your twin grandsons special day londongirl

Luckygirl Thu 11-Jan-18 15:51:42

I was present at the birth of my first GD and 24 hours later my mother died. It was a strange time, but I do not grieve around the time of her birthday. I know that my mother was so pleased to hear the news of her birth - apparently it was the first time for months that she had smiled and appeared to know what was being said to her (she had dementia). So there is something positive to hang on to.

I hope that you can find some way of reconciling this situation. I know it is hard - I felt very mixed up for a long while. flowers

ninathenana Thu 11-Jan-18 15:52:02

My father died two years to the day before my DD was born.
It's always a bitter sweet day.

Grandma70s Thu 11-Jan-18 15:52:22

I think I might try to see it as a kind of rebirth, or continuation of life. There is a direct line of descent from your mother to your grandsons, so they are in a way a continuation of her life.

eazybee Thu 11-Jan-18 15:57:40

When I saw the beginning of your post I thought, how wonderful, a continuation of her life. I am sorry that you are grieving, but can you not see it as an affirmation that life goes on? Don't try and inflict your grief on your grandsons, instead concentrate on the joy they bring with them.

grannysyb Thu 11-Jan-18 16:37:51

My DS was born on the anniversary of the day that my MILs much loved brother was killed. Both she and her mother were delighted, perhaps because it was around 40 plus years later. In fact as far as the old lady was concerned the sun shine out of DAd proverbial!

Fennel Thu 11-Jan-18 16:47:39

My Mum died Feb. 22nd 2002, and our first grandson was born the following day. Mum had been very disabled from a stroke for a long time, so it was a blessing in a way.
I sometimes wonder whether her nature was passed on to our grandson. Who is now nearly 16.

callgirl1 Thu 11-Jan-18 17:00:19

I never knew my father, nor him me, as he was killed 6 months before I was born. Then I had the coincidence of my first child being born exactly 21 years to the day after he was killed, but that`s all it was, a coincidence.............I think!

wildswan16 Thu 11-Jan-18 17:14:46

We all see and react to things differently and so I in no way want to upset anyone. But I cannot understand your point of view I'm afraid. To have two lovely new lives on the anniversary of your mother's death should be a wonderful legacy to remember her by every time you look at them.

I have a friend whose first child was born the very same day her father died. She has always looked on it as a real blessing and sees it as a continuation of his life and memory.

mostlyharmless Thu 11-Jan-18 17:50:32

My third daughter was born on the anniversary of my father's death and my first daughter on the anniversary of my grandmother's death.
I see that as a continuation of the life and the genes of the family. Each was a significant date but it shows that life goes on.
Perhaps the grief is too strong at the moment, but in the future you may see the date in a more positive light.

gillybob Thu 11-Jan-18 18:17:36

No genetic continuation for us as my late MiL and my DGD are not blood relatives. Just a strange co-incidence.

MissAdventure Thu 11-Jan-18 18:30:43

Have you considered counselling, Londongirl?
It seems a shame that grief for your mum spoils what should be a happy occasion.

paddyann Thu 11-Jan-18 19:34:39

we've had a long line of relatives who died on on were buried on close relatives birthdays ,my sister was died on my neices birthday and was buried 3 days later on her own godfathers birthday .Its just how things are ...just life.My dad was biried on my favourite aunts birthday and my nephew was born the day my granny died ...and that was the same day granny's sister had died 80 years earlier Mu mum died on my BIL's birthday .Dont let grief take away the joy of new life ,your mother wouldn't want that.Celebrate your mums life and your GS's birthday at the same time

nigglynellie Thu 11-Jan-18 19:35:17

Like you callgirl, my father was killed five weeks before I was born. My son was born exactly 22 years later to the day, much to the joy of my mother who regarded his birth as a gift from God, he always had a special place in her heart, helped by the fact that he has strong look of his deceased grandfather!

Anniebach Thu 11-Jan-18 19:38:50

Niggly, how happy your mother must have been , I can imagine her joy 😀

Jalima1108 Thu 11-Jan-18 19:47:43

We have a couple of dates in our family which are very poignant for one reason or another.
It is strange, but it is just coincidence and I hope you will be able to enjoy your grandsons as well as remembering your mother and all that she meant to you.

nigglynellie Thu 11-Jan-18 20:04:51

She was annie, and the odd thing was that my son right from day one seemed as pleased to see her as she was to see him, and I was totally at ease and happy about this! As if it were meant. Who knows?!

Anniebach Thu 11-Jan-18 20:35:54

Indeed , who knows niggly x