death/birth

Londongirl sorry for your loss, but it is the way of the world (usually) that we bury our parents.

Some of us on here have had to go through the experience of burying a child, sometimes young, sometimes an adult child, but still our offspring, that we expected to outlive us.

So, do as your late mother would have probably wanted you to do, enjoy life, enjoy the family you have, and learn to accept what you can't change.

Onward and upward, embrace what you have, and stop wallowing in the mire of past things that can't be changed.

My dad passed away four months ago, I was and am devastated. At the same time we found out my daughter is expecting a baby, a boy as it turns out. I see this as a gift from my dad, something to look forward to and a source of new happiness. Losing dad will forever be painful but this new life to come reminds me of how much dad enjoyed life and how proud he would have been to be a great grandad again, his legacy will carry on and that brings me comfort.

londongirl so sorry for your loss , I think I would look on the twins as a gift from my mum to comfort me and give me some focus forward. I am sure your lovely mum would want you to enjoy your life and the babes growing up. More practically there are only 365 days in the year so it must happen more often than we think.

As other posters have said are you able to reframe the tangle of grief about your mothers death and the birth of your twin grandsons on the same date as an affirmation of life renewing itself. Perhaps seeing your beautiful little grandsons as a gift from your mother. The interlinked chain of life continues and their birth celebrates your mothers life as without her they would not exist. There is much joy still to be had without negating the sadness you feel about the loss of your mother.

My is not about grieving for a person on a date but a marriage where I was happy and secure.
My 4th grandchild albeit a first girl or a 4th boy is due on what would have been my 40th wedding anniversary (pearl) and I’m so happy.
To make that day into a celebratory day again for me is wonderful and when names were discussed Pearl was a possibility

My mother died on my sister's 25th wedding anniversary, and a year later my sister's first grandchild was born on the same date. Then to cap it all, he was followed two years later by a small brother born on the same date as our long-dead paternal uncle.

Somehow we all managed to see the boys' birthdays as confirmation that life goes on. I think however that family celebrations always do bring those we have lost to mind, and as the list grows longer the older we get this can be very difficult to deal with. So I do sympathise with OP who feels deprived of the right to remember and mourn her mother . Londongirl, do you think you could use your mother's birthday as a special day for remembering her?

LondonGirl I think you should get some counselling for your unresolved grief. With all respect to your late mother, you are allowing her death to enmesh you in the past and you are not able to take pleasure from the present. Please get help.

My DD was born on my DF's birthday - he was overjoyed. He died the week before she was 3 - but his anniversary has never been sad for me, as I always remember their joint birthday and the joy that he felt to welcome his first DGD. I'm sure that your DM wouldn't want any of her family to spoil her DGGS's birthday happiness - so remember her with love, but celebrate your DGS's birthdays with joy

I understand your feelings, but try to look at it as something positive. Your grandsons have arrived on a very sad day for you but I know in the same situation my Mother would have been delighted that she would always be thought of on their special day.

It is so painful losing one's parents and you never forget them.
However, no one dies and one day you will be with her again. I still feel a closeness to my parents even though physically, I cannot see them.......love never dies.
Rejoice in your grandchildren and you will be able to tell them about their great grandmother, something which is so important,
I would recommend going along to an Alpha Course - I see you are in London and there is always one available in the area. It will help so much.

How long does grieving last? My dad died aged 45 when I was 17 and, although I cried at the time on thst day, I haven't cried since. Nor did I mope or have regrets. I still mentally thank my parents for my wonderful childhood full of love and sense and security and everything good. I find it hard to cry or be sentimental unless it's anything to do with my children. For them I'd move mountains.

Hi, I saw this quote recently written
by the poet Kate Tempest and it made
me feel better about the death of some close
friends recently:

We die so others can be born
We age so others can be young
The point of life is live,
Love if you can
Then pass it on.”

My mum died just a few weeks ago but she was elderly and sadly this is nature. I agree with some of the other comments that maybe you should get some counselling as you are still grieving so badly after 5 years. It's very sad that your grieving is affecting your pleasure with your grandchildren

My grandmother died the month before my first child was born, she knew she was going to die, even though she had not seen a Dr, she told me "one out, one in "

How strange, my dear mother died on 29th January l976 and my grand daughter was born on 29th January l986 and like Londongirl I was amazed, but I found it took the sting out of the death of my mother, almost as though she had come back in my grand daughter (I'm not a Buddist!) and I concentrate on the happy occasion of that day now not the sad one, although of course I do remember that my mother died that day. Perhaps its easier for me because it was a ten year gap not a two year one.

I would look at it as a gift that your grandchildren were born on this day. Your mother wouldn't want you to be grieving so much. She would want you to be thankful for your little miracles.

My sister's eldest was born on our dad's birthday several years after he died. I thought this was rather lovely.

Londongirl57.....please please don't do this to your grandsons. My daughter had a favourite cousin growing up ... just enough years older than her so she could adore him, and she did.... he got ill, very ill and died eventually on her 18 th birthday. My vivacious , intelligent daughter could not and can not get over it. She is in her forties and has not celebrated her birthday from that day to this!!! We her parents can't even send her a card, she will not accept delivery!! This otherwise wonderful woman is 'stuck in time' with this memory. Please release yourself from your mum... and remember her for the good stuff and NOT for a random date hat was her end. Try please...I know what this obsession does... I witness it very year.

You can look at it as a bad thing if you choose to but you could look at it as a positive thing too. Only you can turn this around and if you are finding that impossible, you probably need some counselling to help you. You say it "overshadows your grief." Why would you want to hold on to grief? It would be a better mindset to hold on to the good times your Mum gave you. Not always easy but much healthier for your mental health.

An aunt of mine used to say when when life ends another begins.

My father died on the morning of my DDs 4 birthday and I managed to continue with her long awaited birthday party before driving the family 2.75hrs to be with my mother. I would never allow his anniversary to cloud my DD day, he would have hated me to spoil things for his beloved DGD

That's lovely jiggly
That's very sad saggi
Londongirl do not let the grieving impose on their day treat it as they were sent to make the date have a happier meaning for you . I don't think we ever get over losing those close to us but over time it becomes an accepted thing in life .

a quote from my granddaughter aged then 14 " The day Grandpa passed away was actually my birthday. I don't find that sad or bad timing, as some of my close friends have said, but meaningful, It gives me a feeling best described by my mum as "The circle of Life" From ashes to ashes. I am and we are the next generation who will tell the next, amazing stories about our grandpa, who made us proud, and still does R.I.P. ( part of her eulogy at his funeral )

I think you need professional help to learn acceptance that birth and death is inevitable. I think this is a very sad and self centred post.

londongirl - I am very sorry for your loss. I too have lost a parent I adored. I don't know your age but I was only 19 at the time.

It is natural to feel very sad every year for a long time on the anniversary of a parent's death but time is a great healer.

As others have said, your mother probably wouldn't have wanted you to be sad on your GCs' birthdays just because the date coincides with the date of her death so you don't need to feel guilty if in the future you find that you can .

You are very fortunate to have enjoyed a close and loving relationship with your mother as many others here (myself included) missed out.

Br grateful that you had such a wonderful start in life and concentrate on building a happy present and future.