My Wife Died

So sorry to hear of your loss. There is some excellent advice from others here, but this may add something.
Why not organise a family lunch or dinner on a regular basis to catch up and keep in touch. Monthly, bi-monthly, it doesn't matter. Suggest you be frank but not angry, and speak of your hurt. Drink a toast to your wife.

What skills do you have? Can you offer them in a voluntary capacity to a charity or local organisation? As previously commented, work adds structure to a life. If you're a lawyer, take up a cause. If an accountant, help a charity? If a doctor, why not think about sitting on an Ethics Committee.

Your pain will lessen and the loss will diminish, but it takes a while. Find joy in tour grandchildren?

Good morning peewww.

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.

Some good advice here. I just wanted to pick up a couple of things that echo my own experience.

Firstly, as Day6 has highlighted - you have said:

I am trying to build a life bit by bit but don't see much point. I am too busy being angry, a trait I picked up in childhood with dysfunctional parents

I too had a dysfunctional family (a bitter and twisted and emotionally distant mother and a father who was hardly ever there) and was angry for many years about the way I was treated. I had decided not to confront my mother about it as I didn't want to lose my inheritance.

I had every right to be angry but I couldn't get it out of my system for many years. It affected my marriage and held me back at work because I felt resentful, imagining that everyone else there had had a happy childhood and were happy generally, which may not have been the case.

By chance I came across someone who explained to me why my mother had treated me the way she did and then I understood. This helped me to accept that she was simply unable to behave like a "normal" parent and I actually felt sorry for her instead of angry - a great relief.

I now want to say something about your sons.

Is it possible that they too are grieving the loss of their mother and cannot bear to talk about it? Or maybe they have difficult wives who demand all their attention - or both? In general people don't know how to deal with others' grief.

You have indicated that you haven't always been close to your sons so it may be unrealistic to expect more from them at present.

My advice is to find ways to work through your anger and your grief otherwise you will not be able to move forward with your life. Some form of counselling may help. I suggest you tackle the dysfunctional parents part first as that may still be affecting you.

Make sure that the counsellor is really helping you as they are expensive. Change the counsellor if they are on the wrong track or you don't like their style. This is to help you - not line their pockets!

I wish you all the best.

Hello Peewww, what a sad and lonely time you have been enduring. It seems difficult to work out why people do what they do, and your immediate family do seem to be rather callous. I hope that as time passes you feel more able to let go of anger and perhaps take up some hobbies or interests involving other people. When you have been a carer for a loved one the day to day activities seem to drop away. Make sure you eat well and look after yourself; I do wish you well and hope that in another few months you will be looking at a better picture.

Sorry for your loss, I can’t begin to imagine your feelings. Lots of gransnetters share your experience and their thoughts and advice sound warm and sincere.
I hope I don’t sound crass with the following thoughts but from the perspective of the younger generation my selfish 40 year old self lacked understanding of the loneliness death of a spouse brings and I shamefully saw my widowed father in law as that moaning old misery who brought us all down every time he visited.
Perhaps making an effort to be a bit more upbeat and positive so that they want your company could help. I know you shouldn’t have to but the younger generation can be self absorbed. Way off in the future when they have matured they’ll look back with shame at how they treated you but will say he was such a brave selfless man always so positive and good to be around.
Now ducking behind the parapet

Having recently (March) lost my husband unexpectedly I identify with you! We too, had problems with 2 in laws. It defies belief what they did and I know what my husband would do if he could get his hands on them.

It shouldn't have shocked us like it did as they caused chaos when their dad died 16 years ago. This went a step further with threats of violence. Needless to say to cut a very long story short our eldest stepped in and dealth. Neither bothered to come to the funeral which says it all really.

I am blessed to be surrounded by alot of loving supportive people, which unfortunately doesn't sound the case due you.

You are grieving. It's still early days. You were her carer 24/7. That alone is a massive loss as you adjust to your new life. You may or may not be depressed. Check it out with the Drs.

I am glad you have contacted CRUISE too. I am not going to give you loads of advice as we all have to find our way through grief of our life partner which is very different to other grief.

There is no template for grief. Its a journey we all have to get through and its different for everyone.

We have to adjust to the "new normal" I won't get over losing my husband. I will always grieve as he was and is my soul mate best friend and husband.

What I do though is set a target each day to connect with the world. I ensure I go out even if it's to the local shops, I connect with the family member or friend by phone and so on.

To me my husband life on earth is done however our relationshop continues. Death ended my husband life, not our relationship. I will dance this earth to my tune until I join him.

I talked about him in life and I continue too, now. Finding ways to do that helps. Writing is also a big tool for me. I can get all the rubbish out of my head on paper and no one needs to see it. It clears space in my head then until I need to do it some more and I write again.

You need to find another outlet now your wife has passed. Could you take up some voluntary work to help you connect with others? Always something we can do. My voluntary work has really helped me as I have picked up the mantle of it again slowly. New hobbies too or picking up old hobbies we haven't done for a long time when you have been caring. I hope this helps you

I wish you well

As MawBroom said
Feelings of anger, guilt, depression are perfectly normal along with the sadness and empty space in your life.

I do not think the Cruise counsellor should have given you this advice 'On the advice of a counsellor from CRUISE I mentioned in in an email that I had been advised to tell them about my anger and hurt' it is a normal part of grieving though in your case you say it is not helped by a dysfunctional childhood.

These problems should not be allowed to be placed as a burden on your sons but are for you to deal with with help from a therapist if necessary.

When one of your sons said his wife did not do emotions some of us have been taught that our emotions are our chosen responses to a problem and are not due to other people. That we may pattern match to stuff and its up to us to deal with it. Hence the focus on CBT. Though I believe that Human Givens Therapists have the better model as they say the pattern match is followed by emotions and then by thought whereas the CBT puts the thought before the emotion.

www.hgi.org.uk/find-therapist

Any way bit by bit you will come out of this difficult time. do not let it create disharmony in your relationships with your family.

Sorry to hear of all that you have gone through over the past few years, with your wife's illness and loss. I do wonder if it might be useful to go to your GP and talk things over. They may offer bereavement counselling to get you through. I don't think it is possible to change your son behaviour but I would make an effort to keep in touch - pub lunch if that's appropriate.
Someone mentioned getting a dog, and if you are living in appropriate accommodation they can be great company, plus of course they need walking so you not only get the exercise, you will meet other dog walkers. Just a thought. Building a new life is difficult but take some small positive steps every day and don't let the family reactions take over. Good luck.

So hurtful for you to have to deal with. Personally I would have to calmly write to those sons and explain how I felt, whether it offended or not. Would you be able to ask to have GC to stay for a weekend now and again ? Then you need to explore over 50’s groups in your area. Also, look at Singles holiday companies and write a bucket list of places to go. You will be amazed at how many people are in the same position as you, and you'll make lovely new friends. They do short breaks as well as long Holidays. Live your life to the full, am sure it’s what your wife would’ve wanted you to do. Good luck ...

I hope you are buoyed by the positive comments here, this is a sad situation which only you can sort out.
Perhaps your first step is to turn virtual chat here into face to face chat and meet people. There are lots if threads here on getting out and meeting people. U3A is a popular first step.
I love the dog idea, I walk the dog every morning, the smiles and good mornings lead to chats.
Then maybe you will want to invite some/all the family round, (our nieces included?) A text, or family WhatsApp group?
Good luck. Keep us informed of how you're doing. And hugs from me too (())

If you are able to get out, the earlier suggestion of volunteering is a great one. I worked for some years alongside a volunteer bureau and it was obviously a fantastic way to make new friends AND feel useful.
Here’s a link to discover where your nearest centre is - the one I know best used to invite you in for a chat and would help match your skills and preferences with local opportunities:
www.ncvo.org.uk/ncvo-volunteering/find-a-volunteer-centre

The other thing that springs to mind is that you join a lunch club. Age UK runs some, but some are run by other charities. They will give you something positive to look forward to, company, and a break.
Sometimes you can even find volunteer roles WITH lunch clubs... helping the infirm on/off the transport or taking bookings and searching out new places to lunch. One lunch club I know used to offer free lunches to the volunteers! Double bonus.

Please try to let go the pain, anger and bitterness regarding your family. As others have said, counselling is maybe a way forward - I see you are in contact with CRUISE - they have bereavement specialists in some areas.
Alternatively, I do know someone for whom a Mindfulness course was really helpful. Maybe have a look at that?

Whatever you do, it’s got to be you who does it. I wish you all the strength to take yourself in hand and hope soon you are feeling more settled, calm, and are beginning to forge new friendships.
Good luck peewww.

Peewww - please accept a tartan travelling hug from North of the border (wrap it around you and you should feel it's softness and warmth). This thread firstly brought tears to my eyes and then made me amazed all over again at the kindness and caring repeatedly demonstrated on this site.
Hugs for all on here going through the more difficult times in life's journey xx

Reading your email I felt so sad, if you can’t rely on your immediate family why not talk to your two nieces, maybe they can help and support you. They did come in the funeral car with you, phone them and see if you can have a chat.

just adding my support. Thanks for sharing. and I agree with alex57currie too.
keep in touch.
(and I have to admit a dog saved me and now I'd never be without one - you give to a dog and it rewards you in bucket loads. You feel down and think 'I must take the dog out' groan and then wow the dog is so happy - its infectious and you meet lots of dog people who are always great. win win win.)

Very sorry to hear of your loss and sadness. Not sure I can think of anything to help that has not already been suggested. Families are not always good news. I am sending you best wishes and hope things get better.

Consider moving back to the place you came from, if you have friends there.

I certainly hope these relatives aren't going to profit from an inheritance after you've gone. Sort your will out now and leave everything to someone else or a charity you are close to who will appreciate it ( and deserves it)..

Your story has touched my heart deeply. Mainly because mine is very similar. I have no wise words as I struggle my self and I feel it would be the blind leading the blind to try and advice. All I can say is you can't make people feel or "do emotions" in the way you want.

The anger is just an extension of your grief and can really knock you off guard. I dont think I am making sense but I just want you to know the way you are feelings may not be down to dysfunctional parenting, stop beating yourself up. Others feel this way too and I have great empathy for your situation.
I myself try to deal with life one day at a time trying to etch out a life for myself I joined a keep fit class, threw myself into work, took up a few new hobbies I also took out a yearly membership to a state garden so I have someone beautiful to go on days that are really bad. The grief is still there but the anger is less most of the time. Take care of you.

Sorry to hear about your lack of support from your sons and d i l's .....my daughter not spoken to me for 11 years ......I am due to make a new Will soon as I have inherited a property in the UK due to bereavement. Although it is an anathema to me, I have decided to word the Will in such a way as to omit her from any inheritance totally. At present, if I die before things are sorted with Probate and the Estate in the UK, as the sole blood relative surviving, she will inherit the entire Estate which is quite alot. She never communicated with, nor visited, the relative in question and I think it would be so unfair ! Have you made a Will ? Perhaps now might be the time to consider what YOU wish to do with your house/possessions when the time comes. Although you are still grieving, it saddens me to think your late wife would have been very upset by the attitude of your sons .....did they ever visit ? families are so awkward and difficult sometimes. May be true that they are grieving also if they were close to their mother ....but still no excuse for grown men to behave in this way. Don't know if you are a Church goer but they do have excellet men's groups you could attend for support (my late dad lived opposite the Church when my mother died and although he had never set foot in it, the Vicar came across and invited him to go to meetings ....he found a lot of companionship there, and was not expected to go to Church and no pressure was exerted ..............or the British Legion if you are ex service (or even if not !) Do try to get out and meet others in your position .......I am thinkin of buying a retirement flat back in the UK for this very reason ....good luck !

I am so sorry to hear your sad sorry. My heartfelt sympathy on the death of your wife.

Do get back to us again when you need to talk. You have been given plenty of good advice already. May I just say that feeling everything is pointless is for me part of the grieving process and the feeling will start to recede as time goes on. No-one can tell you how long that will take.

Right now you are not only coping with the loss of your wife and justifiable feelings of anger and hurt at the way your sons and daughters-in-law have behaved, but am I guess, sheer bone tired after nursing your wife for so long. If you possibly can afford it, do go on holiday, preferably either a package tour or a cruise where there should be a good chance of meeting people with similar experiences who you can talk to.

Your nieces sound nice women, any chance of seeing more of them?

So sorry you lost your wife but as you say she will feel no pain now. You are the one left hurting. Your sons should be ashamed of themselves for not even ringing you and they do sound very selfish. I would keep good contact with your dgs and your more sympathetic nieces. Moving house is very stressful and maybe you don't need that stress just now. Summer is coming, try to get out and about even if you make yourself go just for 1/2 hour in sunshine. It will make you feel better. Do you have any friends living near by you could visit? Could you ask your kind nieces to help you sort through your late wife's personal items and clothing? It is hard living with items on view everyday. Come on to Gransnet for a chat and a listening ear.

These are dark days for you but without being trite slowly the clouds will lessen and the sun begin to shine. Anger is a very common step along the path to recovery and your unhappy childhood seems to have thrown a closed door open again. Please look after yourself as others have said. And forget asking for others to help you or blame them if they dont on this path to life without your beloved partner, especially the children you made together. Luckily you have other family members. Sleep, eat well take lots of walks in the open air, pampering long soaks.... and generally heal yourself. As a carer of a beloved husband all my hours taken up looking after him and wouldn't swap for the world. There will be a huge void if he were not here. Your sons are dealing with this their own way. As the Queen once said pain is the price we pay for love. Would we be without that and forgo the love? I wouldn't. On a practical note I've just had a wonderful first meeting with a grandsnetter who lives nearby. Look at your local link and see if there are any meetings taking place? We just clicked and it was a lovely 2 hours having a laugh, coffee and I feel I have found a good friend. Good luck and sending big hugs - dive into this forum when you feel down and see the affection and support coming your way!

There’s some lovely posts on here I hope Peewww comes back to read them and get some comfort

How sad, Peewww.
But you will always have sympathetic company on here.

BereVement counselling will help - ask your GP for a referral - after one to one bereavement support you might then join a bereavement group where you can talk wi5 others about your loss, loneliness etc and you will find this helps. Sorry about the immediate family situTion - your sons might also be feeling a bit adrift.

Peewww there is much good advice already given so I will just add a thought that may not have occurred to you. When a parent dies the next generation start to feel their own mortality too although sometimes it is not a death but the fact of illness. This could possibly be the case with your own children who then may even feel the need to distance themselves. Your neices clearly don't feel that way so try to keep that contact going and make sure that you all have an enjoyable time together. You may need to firmly pin on a smile whether you feel like it or not.

and (((hugs))) to all suffering loss of a loved one.