Mamissimo, So sorry for your great loss. She (and you) will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.
Your goodbyes to your DM were uttered many times over with love, dedication, your presence, your kind words, loving gestures and caring. Those who know you, have been seeing it first hand for years. They understand full well that when the moment came, you wouldn't have had it any other way but to be there with her, but it was taken out of your hands.
Not everyone gets a chance to be at the exact moment when a loved one passes. Even people who are blessed with loving family's are not always surrounded in the end. Alas, someone's flight is delayed, there's a traffic jam on the highway, someone falls asleep or takes a bathroom break.... a loved one ends up dying alone anyway. It happens more than you think.
So please don't beat yourself up over this. No one can 'judge' you. Think about what your DM would have wanted when she was still alive and well. She would have been saddened to know of your despair. So, please forgive yourself for once and for all, even though there's nothing to forgive. I'm sure she would tell you the same thing, if she could.
Good Morning Thursday Maundy Thursday 28th March 2024