Pressure to be there...

Mamissimo, So sorry for your great loss. She (and you) will be in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Your goodbyes to your DM were uttered many times over with love, dedication, your presence, your kind words, loving gestures and caring. Those who know you, have been seeing it first hand for years. They understand full well that when the moment came, you wouldn't have had it any other way but to be there with her, but it was taken out of your hands.

Not everyone gets a chance to be at the exact moment when a loved one passes. Even people who are blessed with loving family's are not always surrounded in the end. Alas, someone's flight is delayed, there's a traffic jam on the highway, someone falls asleep or takes a bathroom break.... a loved one ends up dying alone anyway. It happens more than you think.

So please don't beat yourself up over this. No one can 'judge' you. Think about what your DM would have wanted when she was still alive and well. She would have been saddened to know of your despair. So, please forgive yourself for once and for all, even though there's nothing to forgive. I'm sure she would tell you the same thing, if she could.

I'm sure the Home is not judging you, please do not be hard on yourself for not being there at the end. My DH was admitted to a Nursing Home from the Hospital with terminal cancer. Sister at the Home talked to me when he had been admitted. Her words of advice were "don't feel you have to come in every day, we won't think badly of you". She also gave me the door code so I could just go in when I wanted to. I went to see him if I was going past/shopping, usually not staying for long periods as he didn't want to talk & had lost interest in everything.

I had a phone call one morning after he had been there for about 6 weeks to let me know the Doctor was going to see DH, I lived 5 mins from the Home. Before I left home the Nurse rang me again to say "I'm sorry but DH had just died".

You did your best for your DM Massimo, remember the good times

You did what you could when your Mum was alive even though not appearing to recognise your all those years. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. My mum had been in hospital for a few weeks with a heart problem. I received a call from a family member telling me I had to get to hospital as Mum had deteriorated. Husband was at work, (worked shifts and this was evening) so I had to organise a babysitter for children. I got to hospital and Mum was gone. I felt awful as brothers and sister were there but not me. I was mid 30s, siblings a lot older. Time made me realise that I could not have done anything differently and by what you have written you couldn't either. Condolences on your loss.

My heart bleeds for you; my mum was a two-hour each way drive away and my DDs had EPA - they were poisonous and did everything they could to block us seeing her - her solicitor wrote to tell us about her funeral, which we attended, to be totally ignored by DD and that was the only time I ever saw my young GS, so we eventually gave up the struggle. Being honest, her passing was a merciful release, but in answer to your question, she didn't know you, was no longer herself and you must not blame yourself. Remember your real mum with love and happiness.

Please don't beat yourself up. My mum died suddenly and shortly after my lovely dad was taken into hospital. He had a stroke and looked like being there a while. I visited every day. But my husband was in the forces and we were in the throes of moving to another part of the country. We had offer of a quarter which we had been waiting for but had to accept it promptly or lose it. So we made decision to travel there, stay overnight and return next day. I was then going to stay while my dad recovered. But he died the one night we were away. So difficult not to feel guilty. But give it time and you will realise there is nothing to feel guilty about. We can't foresee these things. And the fact that you are feeling like this actually shows how much your mum was loved. x

I saw my doctor the other day and as I said before my dad is in end of life care. She told me that when he goes initially I will feel relief but then guilt because I wanted it to be over.
These are all natural feelings.
Be kind to yourself - you did all you could.

Be gentle with yourself.

Sorry for your loss Mamissimo but be proud of how you behaved.
With reference to the missing jewellery I would report it to the Police.
Perhaps it is a one off incident, you will not know, but if others before and after you report similar occurrences the Police will know there is a problem.