Bereavement is discovering who your true friends are!

Please don’t be too harsh on anyone’s way of dealing with death.
Every individual is different and e@ch time can bring about a different reaction.
I’m quite certain no single person wants to cause hurt to anyone in particular a friend.
Remember you may be hurting but in fact it’s not about you entirely, death causes pain in many ways that aren’t always obvious. And we dont really know what is happening in the life of others.

I'm very sorry for your loss. People can be very thoughtless and unfortunately their reaction stays with you. When my son died ( as a child) all my friends were wonderful in emotional and practical ways except one. I heard nothing for on her at all and he died 6 months after being diagnosed with cancer. He died in the middle of December . She rang me up for the first time to ask did I want to go to her New Years Eve party. I absolutely blasted her down the phone and she was a friend no longer. Another friend of a friend met me in the street 3 months later and did stop to speak to me saying ( with her own small son at her side) " oh I expect you are over it by now" That one left me speechless! People can be crass and unthinking but most are kind whether Christian or not. I am and always make sure I speak to or contact a bereaved person as I hope it does help them in a small way.

So sad that some people, whether Christian or not, do not know how to empathise with someone who has been bereaved.

How can you ever be 'over it'?

to those who have lost a loved one.

On the subject of putting words into someone’s mouth (“merciful release”, “good innings”, “getting over it”, etc) a friend who also lost her DH sent me this.
Food for thought.

“Please do not ask
If I am now recovering
Or if I see the light
At the tunnel's end.
Nor speak about relief - or burdens lifted.
And, worst of all, new starts.
Please, please don't ask
If I am getting through -
Have come to terms
Or find my life
Is back on track.
Of course I live each day to each
And gladly smile
My coping, to 'prepare a face
To meet the faces that you meet'.
What else is there to do?
In any case, you would not want to know
The daily loss that lasts eternally
Just, please don't ask”

A hug, a smile, a or a a “you’ve been in my thoughts” is all it needs.

Some people are just truly thoughtless and totally unaware of others feelings ...

Some people who hate the platitudes that are said when someone dies would rather say nothing than just churn out the same meaningless words that are repeated endlessly.

My condolences dragonfly .

I think many GNs have experienced bereavement and I suspect we could write a book about the crass and insensitive things people say. In my case when my DH died a "friend" who seemed to think we were wealthy (I wish) told me that I could now do whatever I wanted because the money was all mine(!), no longer being invited to parties (DH was the life and soul of any party) but being rung whenever someone was having a party and being asked if guests park in my drive. The offers of help which are never followed through - I could go on (and I did!)

It's the idea people have that you "get over it" How can you get over losing someone who has been a huge part of your life

At least on GN we know people will be sympathetic and supportive

Strange lady....do you need her in your life?

Do you not think that in life some people think they are the star player and expect everyone else to be the supporting cast. Your friend can't be supportive because she doesn't know how as it's not in her nature to be. All her good works etc puts her in the star role not in the support role that it appears to be on the surface.

So sorry for your loss.

I once read "grief does not have a sell by date" so very true

df46 sorry for your current bereavement pain. Hopefully it will ease a little in due course. Thank goodness for happy memories. Just think you might be further helped by discerning practising Christians from nominal ones. It's a sad discovery but I've found it helpful in the thinning out process.

MawBroon that is so articulate. May we share it please? Would your friend mind?

When my baby son died at 21 weeks old, many years ago now, the most despicable thing people would say to me was, ' Well, you can always have another one'. They'd not have said that if it had been my husband, mother or other loved one. Such incredible ignorance and hurt, but undoubtedly kindly meant. I hated them for it.

When my husband died he had left instructions in his will that he wanted close family only at his funeral which was not s surprise to some of his friends as he was a very self-effacing person and didn't like fuss. Two sets of so called friends of over forty years have never spoken to me after I told them what were my husband's wishes, asked me to make an exception for them, but of course I could not. When do you know who are your real friends?

MawBroon that expresses it exactly. Everyone was kind, no-one avoided me, for which I am most grateful. Just get on with it, I tell myself. That's what my dear husband would have said.

Dragonly, so sorry for your loss.

First I am sending hugs - sorry to hear of your loss.
Secondly some people can't handle talking about death.
Thirdly some good friends of my parents were away when Dad died at Christmas. They never contacted my mother, ever. We never saw them again.

NanaRayna - part of me wanted to send you love, but part of me did think about just clicking onto something else.
Lots of hugs Nana, what an awful thing to happen to you and your family x

A perfectly pleasant woman I worked with told me after my mother died that she wasn’t expecting to still have a parent at my age (54!). I think she was trying to tell me to get over it.

A lot of people just do not know how to speak to someone who has just suffered a bereavement.

I taught religion at school for many years and told my older pupils that the only thing they must never do when hearing of a death is to ignore the family concerned.

That said if you don't know what to tell the person who has just lost a dear one that fact put into words will do, "I'm sorry, I really don't know what to say that will help"

The truth as we all know is that NOTHING helps in the first raw grief, but the fact that some -one cares enough to express sympathy however phrased warms one a little.
Well, perhaps not however phrased, the comment MawBroon suffered is decidedly out of place.
I'm sorry for your loss, and for your run in with a somewhat hypocritical member of the church I too belong to.

My husband died on Boxing Day 2017 so still very raw but I found people wanted to keep a distance in case of saying something that may upset. I have never been a person to cry in front of others,even now if I need a cry I will go to the bathroom as very aware I still have one child still in school and one with autism and don’t want to upset them. Maybe your friend feels she doesn’t want to hurt you more,even though she may be good at speaking out etc when it comes to dealing with death it can make people quite different

Christians also have faults. We never claim to be perfect.

So sorry for your loss?
When I was young , shortly after giving birth to identical twin girls, one of them sadly died. I did get one or two crass comments like “ never mind, at least you still have one” which I know in a way is true but just because you still have one thankfully healthy baby it does not at all compensate for the loss of the other. You form a relationship with both while in the womb. Also anything to with twins eg. Double sets of clothes and other paraphernalia had mysteriously been magicked away by well meaning relatives before my return home, so as ‘not to upset me’. It would have been far better to have let me deal with all that in my own time and let things go when I was ready to. They thought they were doing the right thing but sadly it wasn’t and I had repercussions of ‘complicated’ grief that affected me even many years down the line.

NanaRayna and bumblebee34....I too lost a baby and the crass comment " Well, you can always have another one" made me feel like a 3 year old girl who had lost her favourite doll.

An officious woman where I used to work asked if I 'was grieving properly'!
Unbelievable. Yet another person who I would have thought to be extremely insensitive was the first person to come and speak to me when I got back to work and was so kind. I really appreciated it.

Many years ago a neighbour's baby girl was stillborn. I was pregnant at the time, and had a daughter shortly afterwards.
I'm ashamed to say that I did everything I could to avoid her, because the thought of that poor dead baby, when I had a live healthy one, just sent me into floods of tears. I almost felt ashamed of my child, and didn't want her to have the distress of seeing me with my baby, but basically I just didn't know how to deal with the situation.
Eventually we began to speak to each other, and I apologised and explained my behaviour. We are now good friends. She ended up with 5 sons. Sadly one of them committed suicide last year. I made sure, this time around, that I was there for her.