The loneliness on losing a partner

My heart goes out to you, I lost my first husband whilst quite young, and now I'm losing my lovely second husband. He was diagnosed with Mesothelioma 3 years ago and given six months to live, we have had a few times where he has been so ill we have been told days but he is still with me. He is now really poorly and we know it wont be long. I sway between wanting his pain to end but knowing the only way it will end will be his death so not wanting it. I also know what awaits me afterwards, I dread it, I know you can go out and join clubs and with friends etc. but who wants to be constantly out, it's the quiet times at home which are the worse times, no one there, no one breathing beside you in the dark at night, no one to discuss the news with or films you can't watch because it's too scary on your own (yep I'm a wuss) no one to hold your hand or seeing husband, anniversary cards etc in card shops and knowing you will never buy one again, life changes completely. I have lovely grown up children who will always help but my son in law has just been diagnosed with Leukemia so my daughter has so much to cope with a very young child to care for as well, and my lovely best friends husband is having tests to confirm if the shadow on his lung is lung cancer, life is so hard at times.

My husband passed away ten month's ago and every day has been difficult. I have two sons, one with four small children, who are very good but the lonliness in the evenings and especially Sundays, are hard to cope with. We were married for nearly 52 years and it would have been his 78th birthday on 12th September. My daughter-in-law has asked me round for dinner on that night.

I have tried going to a few socials to meet other people but it just made it all seem worse. Although some of them were bereaved, others divorced or single, I felt more depressed meeting them. Eating and watching TV alone is the worst for me. He wasn't ready to go and went downhill in a week.

I hate the term 'widow' and although my family are good and come round every Saturday to see me, they are a different generation and don't understand everything. My four grandchildren are lovely and, although still young, say that they miss their grandpa very much. He was a devoted family man to whom family meant everything. He also had devoted his life to caring for others in his role as a pharmacist. My husband has left a huge void in our family circle that can never be replaced.

On 14th October, we will be gathering to consecrate a memorial stone in is honour. A difficult day.

I agree with Milliebear,I miss being able to share memories.my husband was in a care home for 5 years,but we were still a couple,he died in May.People think it's easier for me,as I was already living by myself.I go out and about a lot,but I miss having my husband to talk to.I feel so sad if I'm somewhere he would have liked and I can't tell him about it.I read a quote somewhere,"I miss the person I used to be when you were here",I find that so true.

MAWB-you hit the nail on the head with "inner loneliness" I lost my husband 7 years ago and he was my soul mate. Time is a healer, but you never ever get over the loss of your soul mate, best friend and confidant. I have a wonderful DD, SIL and DG, but the feeling of inner loneliness never leaves you.

What a sad post - I am so sorry,*June*, that you have such loneliness to contend with, and also the other ladies here who have to live with such feelings. As ever, GN is a wonderful place to let emotions out.
This seems to be a lovely day beginning, and I hope the golden September sunshine warms everyone . xx

My husband died at 51 two years ago at the end of this month. He had had heart failure for just over two years having had a major heart attack two days after a benign tumour was removed in a 7 hour operation.
I have my daughter, her partner and my grandson living with me. She found out she was pregnant the week before her dad’s funeral. She’s also expecting again in about three weeks. My son, his wife and my granddaughter live on same street. Even so I still feel lonely at times. Especially as I have been diagnosed with breast cancer and had surgery two weeks ago. My husband should be here to get me through this as I was there for him. We were together from the age of 19 and married nearly 30 years.

Oh what sorrow here. I am in tears for you . And courage.

Moved by your post JuneS and the subsequent ones that followed. I perceive there to be support here on GN and hope that is some comfort to you and others in your position

Dallas, Venus, Noreen3
It is good to be able to “open up” isn’t it - even if the tears start afresh- however kind people are, they don’t really understand. I’m not sure I always understand myself.

To all out there. My husband had a stroke 22 years ago.... he went into hospital as my husband ..but came out as someone different. His job went.. most of his friends went ( all friends were job -related)... his earnings went...and his self esteem went ...all in 2 weeks. In fact he LEFT me!! I used to think this sounded dramatic when I thought it inside my head... but it's not!! My husband 'left' me 22 years ago. I have to look after him..fetch for him ...pick him up from the floor when he falls( at least twice a week) and he's over 12 stones. We have no physical contact as he hates me even touching him, apart from when he needs help!! no outings, no holidays, no life. I finished bringing up my kids ...they both left home as soon as possible because of his behaviour toward me ( although he was never cruel to them).Now the kids are gone... Our grandkids can't stand to be in his company ( I know this dos they've told me) and he doesn't care whether he sees them or not! I look after this man for 22 years and not once has he ever thought what this existence is doing to me...not once. Lonely...??? I've been lonely for all this time and nobody who surrounds me ( my extended family) knows it. They come for a visit...they go home... I close the door on them and my prison engulfs me!!! I do know what all you lonely people are feeling I really do.I think one day ( if it all drags on too much longer) I'll just open the door and walk away from it all.

Sending a big virtual hug to you x

Sorry for the weepy... but thank all ou GN for being out there! Smile

I'm also trying to sell my house as finances are not that great, so that's another trauma to face. I look around the house and know that we bought everything together. I appreciate that we have our memories of our lovely husbands but it doesn't make up for the sharing of all those years spent together.

We will never forget them but I hope that we can all make a worthwhile life without them.

I wish all the ladies on Gransnet in this sad situation courage and love to carry on and to try and engage with whatever we can to bring something positive into our lives. x x x

Hi June.
Sorry for your loss ?.
I haven't lost a partner but understand loneliness and mobility issues. I know that some libraries have a service where they send a mini bus to collect people who are unable to get there under their own steam and take them home again. It's a social out let that's invaluable to some. Could you see if there's anything similar in your area? Local community centres sometimes do something too.
I wish you well and I'm sending you a virtual hug ?

I am very lucky to have a wonderful caring partner in my life. We have only been together 2 years, I had been lonely for a very long time before and I am well aware one of us will face lonliness in the future. For so many of you suffering such loss and sadness I truely empathise. GN is a wonderful place to receive friendship and comfort, it doesn't replace or repair the loss but it really does help to understand there are so many others in the same situation. Sending big hugs to all our GN family ???

There's lots of support here. I lost my DH coming up to eight years ago this Christmas. It's having a 'presence' that I miss - someone who's there, someone to do nothing with. I have no children (through choice) and can spend a weekend alone, only having a conversation with a shop assistant some days. I don't crave company and am reasonably happy under the circumstances. Luckily I've siblings nearby but fear the future if I'm less mobile. You're not alone.

JuneS. You me and many more .The world we live in now is so unlike the world our mothers and grandmothers lived in when they were 81 and most likely had families and friends living near to support them in their grief. I too have family the other side of the world and when we , late DH and self ,moved on our retirement to a coastal area it was 300 hundred miles from our friends. They have visited from time to time but these visits are getting less which is to be expected as we left them not the other way round and they need their families too. I am not one to join a choir etc etc but love a chat ,discussions with endless cups of coffee on hand. I seem to fill my days goodness knows with what and time does not drag and can get out but its the shorter days that are imminent I am not looking forward to.

I echo your feelings*Juliet27*. So sad and I want to hug you all.

June I am so sorry to read your posts. Loneliness is a terrible thing and we never think that it is going to happen to us. I have two sons, married with children, although one has separated from his wife recently and as a result, I can no longer see my grandchildren. I rarely see my sons. I work full-time thank goodness, as this fills a lot of my time. I am 60, I live alone, have issues with my back, which means that I cannot do things as I used to, such as long car journeys to visit. After being married for many years and bringing up a family, then divorcing, I just feel that I have been abandoned at a time when I need some support. My Best Wishes to you.

I’m sorry you are feeling so lonely...I’m not in your situation but do go to exercise classes at a local macarthy and stone residency... the majority of people in the class are residents..with a few visitors
Almost all the residents are widows /widowers who all have their own flat and shared space
Whilst I don’t want to join them atm I can see the attraction should my circumstances change
If you can afford this option why not check them out ... the people have been so nice friendly but not overwhelming
You join what you want or not

He was the only person who knew exactly where I was coming from, with whom I could be entirely honest about friends and family, who understood me.
Maw - As another widow, I find this is totally true.
My sympathies to all the other widows here.

It is so humbling to read the stories of how people feel and are coping after losing someone so special. I still have DH but live with knowing his health can deteriorate any day due to the dreaded big "C" being in our lives for 10 years now. I hope I have the same courage as GNs have shown here should he deteriorate. Big warm hugs to those going through such a devasting time.

Sorry to hear of your loss JuneS Although I can't know what your going through as my H still alive, I do sympathise., just wanted to send a hug.

I too am sitting here reading these posts with tears in my eyes. Like Juliet27, my DH is still with me. I dread the day when I might be alone like so many on here. How brave and strong you all are. I hope I can cope as well as you when the time comes. Meantime, I shall vow to appreciate the time we have left together, however long or short that may be.

and greatest admiration to you all.

I’m so sorry for your loss June, I feel for you. I too have tears in my eyes Juliet, reading all these posts from ladies who have lost their beloved partners. It has also brought home to me that I should appreciate my husband even more that I do already.

I have a 90 year old mother. She is a true northern gal, born in Derbyshire and living much of her life in neighbouring Cheshire. Sadly two and a half years ago we lost my beloved Dad. Eighteen months later we lost my auntie, my Mum’s beloved sister, who lived a few houses from her and who she visited every day. My sister lives twenty miles away, doesn’t drive, and is ill and unable to offer any support whatsoever. So, my Mum came to live in a retirement flat only ten minutes walk from us. We did all the work, organisation, speaking to solicitors, etc etc and eventually she came down here, we live on the south coast. She was so very lonely after Dad and auntie died, I used to phone every day, but it’s not the same. Well, she’s taken to her new life like a duck to water, loves her flat, enjoys the social life offered in the retirement complex, goes out to visit her grandchildren and great grandchildren whenever she can, in short, she’s enjoying her new life.

I tell this story only to exemplify that life in a retirement flat can be a very good experience. If in the future I’m left alone, I really will consider it.

Now my Mum is so near, we can help her, and sort things out for her. I felt guilty for taking her out of the north, but I know now she made the right choice.