The loneliness on losing a partner

About 3yrs ago I wrote the following poem for a new neighbour of mine. I live in a park home and this lady and her husband had just bought a lovely home to retire and enjoy the rest of their lives in. He died a week before the move and she was telling me how sad she was that he never lived there and that all their plans were no longer going to happen.
I had never written a poem before but had an overwhelming urge to write this for her. She now has it framed and my husband loved it so much that it was read out at his funeral. I do hope that others who are still grieving will take something from it. ( Click on the poem to enlarge.)
I hope the inner loneliness will one day become inner peace. xx

Mawbroon - that is how I felt when I lost my DH 20 years ago - I was 42 and he was 46 and I wasn't ready to be on my own. My two children were 18 and 21 years old and had their own lives already. A year after DH died I moved 350 miles away as my DD got a job in Dover and said she thought it best if I went with her rather than stay on my own. A year later I was back in full time work and then my DD married and the GC started to arrive. Although I was very busy between work and babysitting (both DD and (now ex) son in law worked shifts) I was still so lonely, I missed the things shared as a couple such as holding hands, making each other cups of tea, help with the dishes, the DIY, social events etc. I made some good friends at work but they were mainly people with partners already, at my age then there were very few singletons around. I still miss my DH very much even though life has changed, we have had another move (back closer to home), my DD is now a single parent and two of my GC are now in Senior School, I have retired but have the day to day care of my DD and GC and the house to run as DD works long hours so my GC can have the things that they want. I am also now a Trustee for a local charity and have made some lovely friends through that but I still miss the same things I did 20 years ago. I think, in the end, that unless you are lucky enough to find love again with a new partner, it is just something you have to live with.

My sympathies to you, June. My husband of more than 40 years was in hospital recently when I suddenly got a phone call. The ward sister notified me that he had died in his sleep and that his body had been moved to the mortuary but that “I could visit him there if I wished”. After so many happy years together and raising 2 lovely sons I had no desire to see him dead! Miss him terribly and I always will. As do sons and 5 year old granddaughter, who sings Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star to him at bedtime every night!

JuneS Dear June, I am so very sorry to hear that you are feeling the emptiness of being alone. I am sorry to hear your husband has died. You speak so wisely about the lives of our children. they are very busy. I know this.
I am lucky because I have small dogs to look after. They are rescued and they love me. It may not seem like a good idea to you, but I will mention it anyway; It is possible to adopt an older cat or dog, usually one that had an owner who has passed on. The Dogs' Trust may help. you might be thinking, what if I die? Then you leave instructions for the cat/dog to be collected safely. There is an animal rescue organisation that helps with this specifically. The charity may even be willing to help with vet's bills since you are looking after an older animal for them and they would have to pay all its keep if you were not able to give it a home. It is so much easier to return to the house when there is a living being there waiting to greet you.
God bless you June, I do hope you feel some comfort soon.

Saggi Oh Saggi! I am so very sorry for you! I was in a very unhappy marriage. I was treated so cruelly by a much older man. Yet he was very clever at hiding his true nature from the outside world. Like you, I was never so lonely as when I was trapped in that terrible, frightening marriage, treading on eggshells, scared about what would happen next.
I send you lots of love and urge that you really look after yourself.

My husband died 10 years ago at the age of 60. Since then I have lived alone but have a married son with 2 gorgeous daughters seven miles away. I see them every two to three weeks, have good friends nearby and I keep fairly busy. But there are hours and hours when I am alone, and with ill health looming I get very low. Having seen the loneliness and health/carer problems two aged parents had to endure I am not looking forward to old age on my own at all.

I don’t know what the answer is. It’s mad that with increasing population loneliness is such a problem.

I have been widowed for over 5 years, my Marriage was shorter than many of others on GN. I was 36 when I married DH (3rd Marriage), we were together for 23 years & married for almost 21 years. As DD said to me at his Funeral "Mum you've lost the love of your life", she was right & yes I've felt the inner loneliness, there are times I wish I could share things especially DGS2 who is only 15 months old, DH would have loved him as he did DGS1.

I always feel I "lost" my DH when he went into Hospital then Nursing Home, I had almost 5 months on my own before he died, he never came home so I had become used to being on my own. I moved 3 years ago, new area, new friends & neighbours & new places to explore plus added bonus of DD & DGSs only 25 mins away.

It's not easy & nothing ever replaces those arms that give you a hug, shared memories & companionship but we have to find a way to cope. GN is a lifeline for many

Having lost my DH nearly 9 months ago I can empathise with so much that others have expressed. I am nearly back to work full time and surrounded by people during the day. The emptiness is still there coming home and knowing he’s not here. Maw Expressed my feelings better than I could have done myself and knowing I will have to carry on without him is so hard. I still forget and say ‘we’ and ‘our’ house etc, I don’t know what people think. What does help is having our wee dog and knowing he will be waiting for me, for food and walks and company.

Leem711 I am so sorry to hear that your husband died so so recently , what a shock that call must have been , We were all with Jim when he slipped away , I see his face every night and wish it was his alive smiling face I could see and remember , I hope you ae ok xxxx

June S,
I can truly empathise, as I lost my husband 18 months ago, after 54 years together, under very similar circumstances to yours, (steroid side effects), it was pitiful to watch his deterioration, going from a comical, full of life ex sportsman, to a bloated, helpless man, in constant pain, so in that respect I couldn't wish him back to suffer anymore! Having said that MawB's last paragraph, regarding 'inner loneliness', 'silence' and 'having no one to do nothing with' indeed said it all! I must admit I do feel cheated, as we were so looking forward to our retirement, but I suppose all we can do is carry on, if not for our sakes, then for our children and grandchildren, but it is so hard, and it does make you realise that we should appreciate what you have, while you have it. Sending you my good wishes. x

So many sad stories that made me weep. I lost my husband just over a year ago, and all my children live in different countries. Maw expresses absolutely how one feels. But surely with so many people feeling lonely it should be possible for them to get together. I have so many widowed friends who have been so kind to me, so I try to be positive and look forward - quite difficult when you don't know how much forward you have! U3A with its various groups has been a wonderful help, and our local Hospice runs a bereavement group where there is advice and help. Quite a lot of the people have mobility problems and they all help each other. It takes courage to get out there, but don't be despondent.

June - I was shocked to read about your husband's experience with steroids. How appalling! Was this NHS or private medicine? Anger is a classical reaction to bereavement, and I certainly felt it and still do, but you have so much to be genuinely angry about.
Enjoy your painting - it's so therapeutic. As for loneliness, I'm five years into bereavement, and in spite of good things happening, it's never gone away. And I do hate people who say "You had such a good marriage, aren't you lucky?" because I've lost the best friend who loved and cared for me more than anyone. I hate weekends, holidays and most of all, Christmas.

Sitting here with tears in my eyes. Have been married for just over 50 years and reading all your messages has really made me weep. DH and I have just had a bit it of a spat over nothing really and its made me think what it would be like if he wasn't here. I think you get so used to having someone there you need a reminder of what it could be like without them. Am going out now to make him and cup of tea and give him a hug and tell him how lucky I am to have him. My love and hugs to all you brave ladies.

June
What a truly beautiful poem?

I lost my dear husband 6 months ago. We were together for nearly 50 years and I am lost. My only consolation is that he went first, because I think he would not have coped had it been the other way around, as he had suffered a stroke and had cancer and would have found life on his own difficult. At least I still have my health (touch wood), and am quite active and can manage the house and garden, barring emergencies and my neighbours are brilliant. The loneliness is indescribable, no-one to sit in companiable silence with; as someone else said, I miss the holding hands, the kiss goodnight and the cuddles, the impromptu lunches and drinks out. I am lucky in that I have family nearby, but they have their own lives to lead. I try to get out and about and have joined a couple of activities/clubs, and I go to the cinema a lot. But once I get home, it is so lonely. I have my lovely cats, have to get up every day for them, and am lucky that they are affectionate and will sit on my lap. But there is no other option than to cope. I sink or swim, that's it.

Hi June.....and everyone.....my husband died unexpectedly and suddenly only 6 months ago........I am only just beginning to face the reality of the loss.....and all that it means........I hate it......

I am really sorry for your loss.......and for how it feels......some good suggestions and understanding here.........I am so new to this and such early days.....but just wanted you to know I am thinking of you in your specific situation....and glad you have these forums........shef

shef and my sincere condolences. Just 3 months further down the line than you, but I know just what you are saying.
But assapphire as, we swim...or we sink. Hang on in there, I hope you will find the support and understanding here on GN which I have.

June and all you lovely ladies who have commented. I lost my husband two years ago and I could never have imagined the loneliness I feel. Nor was I prepared for the fact that grief causes physical pain. Nothing can take that grief away but I do find reading helps me understand that I'm not going mad and that my reactions are normal. I would recommend the book 'A grief Observed' by CS Lewis. I find it particularly moving that it is a man who so openly describes his feelings after the death of his wife.
Everyday I now try to look for some small pleasure. They are all around us but so often in life we are too busy to notice.

It was brought home to me again today, I banged my wrist and it didn`t half hurt, I cried out, but there`s nobody to say "what have you done, are you alright?"

This is a nice thread of people. Hugs and love to OP. Life doesn’t get any easier as we get older. Nor typing on this iPad that keeps freezing!

My thoughts are with you all and I understand the lonely feeling loss brings. A while ago I met a lady at the local hospital visiting her husband. We live in the country and people need to travel for hospitalisation. She mentioned the high cost of petrol left her unable to pay for accommodation to stay a few days. I offered her a room for a modest fee and loved the company. I checked first with the hospital as to her 'character' etc. To cut a long story short I then decided to register on AirBnb to rent a room with a light breakfast to women travellers. It has worked very well and Airbnb do all the background checks and handle the money which just arrives in my bank account. I was nervous at first but now feeling a lot better and love the company. My daughter stayed with me for the night in the beginning because she was worried. It will never replace my loss but I do now have a reason to get out of bed and a little joy in my life. Maybe my experience could help someone else. I must add my daughter helped me register on the computer and that was something I had never used.

I understand the feeling of loss as I lost my DW 6 years ago but talking to Beautiful Souls make me feel less lonely at times .
I think you're really strong and you deserve more attention. I hope you'll grace me with yours

Somehow I don’t think so.
Reported.

This thread is so sad, such emotional pain.
I read it when I couldn't sleep this morning.
I have done nothing, but moan and grump, at my husband for the last few days. It has certainly made me realise how fortunate I am. I'm ashamed of myself.

Marydoll me too. And I know the time will come soon for one of us.