Second year

8 years for me - the grief does subside, although I do still have bad days when I miss him so much. Like other posters I go out and see friends but even after enjoying myself I still find it hard to come home to an empty house. We all find different things hard, for me it is eating alone, we used to sit over dinner discussing our day and I really miss that.

I feel so sad reading all your stories. I'm not in that place, not yet, but am so aware of the fragility of our existence, especially now in our later years. These terrible losses, worries, illnesses, may be just around the next corner - and that next corner could be frighteningly closer than I think.

So my very best wishes and (((hugs))) to Maw, Annie, MissAdventure and all of you struggling with life after loss. And for Luckygirl and annsixty, who are suffering a different, but so terrible loss, the loss of the 'marriage of minds' you once enjoyed.
dragonfly you're in my prayers. I do so hope your next appointment goes well and you are able to regain some of your peace of mind
for all of you

dragonfly I commend your courage, facing up to your fear;it shines through your posts.

After 10 years of being a widow and "being strong" there is still that inner core of vulnerability which comes to the surface now and again. I have accepted this and just get on with life.

Don't be hard on yourself, Mawbroon, you are doing well. Grief changes over the years but it never goes away. If you can find some small things to be happy about/ grateful for in your day to day life it helps but you are allowed to have days when you sit and cry or rant about all these "happy couples" that seem to be everywhere.
My bereavements were 12 years ago. I still have my "melt-down" days, especially at this time of year.
Look after yourself

I have nothing of comfort to say, as I am not in your situation MawBroon. I can only say I am very sorry for what you are going through and that I look forward to your posts and comments because you always sound interesting and sensible.

Life is suffering and joy - light and shadow. What matters, though, is what we do with that and to what extent we allow our experience to define us rather than refine us. Yes, the future can look like a mighty scary place, particularly getting older and on your own. I have found Headspace a really useful meditation app for helping manage feelings of being overwhelmed by grief/sadness/anxiety and angry, unhelpful, ruminations. There are many different modules on it covering all sorts of topics. Andy Puddicombe has a lovely voice and a wonderfully compassionate view on life.

I'm not sure it ever 'gets better with time'. You just learn coping mechanisms. Sorry.
However I now feel (10 years on) that there should always remain a scar on your soul for those you have lost. You cannot forget them and nor should you try (not that you are). Loss changes you and the acceptance of this can bring some peace.

I want to say something, but I’m not widowed and I don’t really know what to say to you all. I did watch my sister after she lost her husband some eight years ago, I tried my best to support her and let her know I love her, and plan things to do with her so she had something to look forward to, but I watched as she slowly descended back into the mental illness she had suffered from before and now she suffers from again. Seemingly it was impossible to stop this.
Obviously she has a particular illness, but grief is just as painful whoever you are, and I feel so sorry reading through all your posts. I wish I could offer more than just ‘I’m sorry’ but I am, very sorry.

Oh annesixty.... your kind of grief is the same as mine....not a widow...no children lost ( thank goodness)... but this awful grief of living with a stranger and not the man I loved and married. Nobody , friends or family seem to understand...this ongoing ...(10 years now) of living with a stranger!! People say “don’t be daft , he’s the same and alive, be thankful”.... we’ll im not thankful!! When a loved one dies ...you have a funeral...you grieve... and grieve ...and eventually with time and good friends you find some sort of acceptance., and move on. With this stranger....I grieve ...and grieve....and grieve.... and weep, and I never ‘move on’!!

Saggi
My H has now been in a care home for 6 weeks and the relief is enormous.
He suffered a stroke in April and I struggled to cope but physically it became too much.
I wish you well, I know exactly how you feel, no- one else can unless they have been there.

Maw sorry no words to help, but to say you have expressed exactly how I am feeling, watching people and their busyness getting on with life, but, loving and being loved by two people is very difficult to live without. Let’s hope we all find the right path to help us.

I can empathise with those feelings MawI lost my fiance 46 years ago in a tragic freak accident, (I was 18). 7 years later another relationship broke down leaving me pregnant with my daughter. Fast forward 18 years, still single, and my daughter leaves home to live with her future husband.
Fast forward 20 years to today, I'm still alone, still waiting for Mr Right to appear and pay the bills, do the repairs, take me away for romantic holidays and be my chauffer, oh and bring me breakfast in bed!
I don't walk the "Road of Loneliness" often, but when I do - life feels so barren and empty, friends and family fill a temporary gap, but there's still a person shaped hole missing, right in the centre that fills up with tears, regrets and 'what ifs' but never really goes away, even after 46 years.
Normally I keep busy, I have a lovely family, lots of friends and most times, I enjoy coming home. Just, occasionally - it's not enough!

When my husband left me after 25years, I felt as if my world had come to an end, I had 3 almost grown up children and quite honestly wanted to shoot myself. I wished he had died rather than moved on from me. With enormous support from my mother in law and friends I pulled myself together, had some brilliant counselling and ongoing antidepressants, have lived a good life since. It’s all about acceptance of something you just cannot change, but it’s very hard to get to that place. For me I have love and support from my wonderful family, my two dgds are such a blessing, and I am fortunate not to have to worry about finances, well within reason that is, but I am so lonely when I close my door, I have my spaniel who is a great help, but I do try and live in the moment and not think about what is ahead of me in the future, I am very very lucky to have good health, being diagnosed with COPD last year threw me but the industrial size inhaler has made such a difference, I am so grateful for what I have now and not what I lost. The loss of a child however is grief beyond all understanding.

I love the poem ‘Jenny Kissed Me’ , when reading it just change the name

www.poets.org/poetsorg/poem/jenny-kissd-me

10 years for me and still as raw. Now housebound and as lonely as hell. Went for consultation on hip replacement to get me out and about. All I heard from the consultant was negative - all the things that can ago wrong after surgery. Absolutely nothing positive at all. Is this usual? I only want to pick up a few threads of life - is that too much to ask?

At the funeral director’s where I work, I hear my boss talking to the just bereaved family when they first ring up - so often as they apologise for crying on the phone he tells them not to worry, they need to cry, more importantly he tells them honestly that life will never be the same again. ( It is a small town and he knows virtually all his clients). Initially for those who lose a loved one there are the funeral arrangements to concentrate on, then for some reason the first year and/or Christmas becomes the goal, but the fact is life will never be the same, the bereaved will never be forgotten, even by those who go on to remarry, there will be sadness but in time most people learn to live with it.
The reality is that there are a lot of lonely people (Lennon-McCartney) but that does not make it easier. You can fill your life with social activities, have a pet, pamper and treat yourself occasionally, but the empty hole will be there.
The worst thing to do is live with anger. The loved one did not choose to die and leave us, (unlike in a divorce) and our sadness would sadden them if they are/were aware of it. We all know from a young age that life is not immortal, that death can come at any time, out of the blue or foreseen, in one form or another, by accident or disease, instant or lingering. The best we can do is live in the now, appreciate the loved ones who remain and be grateful for the time shared with the ones we lost. Easier said than done, but it also helps to look at others worse off than ourselves and, if possible, become actively involved in an organisation that helps them.

All cliches I know, but tried and tested.

My husband was in the Merchant Navy, so away 2/3 of the time. I travelled with him intil we had kids, then was left at home. The invitations, come round for a meal when your husband is home etc. I had no partner for things and nobody to share with but then he was there full-time 1/3 of the time. After 27 years we divorced and the children had left home and so I was without a partner 100% of the time. I suppose I was sort of used to coping and was not grieving because of the death of a beloved partner. I found during the marriage and afterwards that volunteering to help others filled the time and I enjoyed the company of fellow volunteers. I did the radio slot at the local hospital over Christmas when those with partners wanted to be with them. I helped at Shelter one year when I'd have been alone. I wonder if some activity like this might help some of you who are lonely.

Maw I don't understand, I still have DH. I don't understand the others who lost their child at the same time I lost mine. How can I understand someone else's grief, I don't understand my own? I think I might cope better if I knew why DS died but I never will. He wasn't ill, there was no reason, he just died.

I watch something not even related to the loss of DS and it makes me think of him and cry. I imagine that Maw must react the same when she sees couples on TV, in the street, at the shops. Music makes me cry too.

My loss is fairly recent, will it get easier over time? Will I always put his stocking out at Christmas? Will his friends stop contacting me and talking about him? Some days I just keep on keeping on. Sorry Maw I'm no help at all, just want to send you a virtual hug.

It is said grief takes 2 years on average to reach 'resolution' and an acceptance of the new status quo. I am sure things will improve Maw and others in the same position. I guess if you have had a very happy marriage the loss is greater although maybe the regrets are less. Women cope so much better than men generally when left on their own. Is that something you can be a little bit grateful for? I sincerely hope happier days lie ahead. Would it help to leave music playing so when you come home the house is not so silent? Just a thought.

I'm lonely for my daughter. Nothing will help with that, ever.

Like Nannylovesshopping, my husband left me after a long marriage (almost 28 years). He chose Christmas Day 2016 to tell me he didn't love me anymore, but was in love with someone else (he'd known her for about five minutes). I spent most of 2017 divorcing him. There were a lot of dark times - I have no children and we'd recently moved to a different region given that he wanted a 'fresh start' after at least one other affair, use of dating websites and generally appalling behaviour. However, thanks to the support of my siblings and their families, and my lovely friends, things are now a lot better and I take each day as it comes. As my widower friend has said to me, 'You learn to adapt over time.' Grief is different for everyone and no one can put a time on how long it lasts - for some, months, for others, years or always. Be kind to yourself. I threw myself into work for a good while, but am now less hard on myself. I have a little dog who takes up a lot of my time and is good company, and I'm so thankful that I no longer have to check up on my adulterous ex-husband but that I can now live my own life. I don't have as much materially these days, but what I do have (including my new home) is mine. I appreciate that my situation is different from yours, but life can still be good. I wish you all the best. There is also some very good support on this site.

Mawbroon. I still, after ten years with out DH, and others I loved and lost, have my moments of 'a good cry' so don't believe you should have gotten over it by now. You are human, why bottle it up? have your cry.I do not know your religion but if I am having a 'low day' I know my local church has an' open' door which has helped get me through my darkest moments.

I am reading these posts with tears streaming down my face. My DH died 6 weeks ago barely 3 months after the death of my Mother. I am going through all the emotions that the "books" say is normal for bereavement but it is the little things that hurt so badly. The buying of treats in the Supermarket, the glass of fizz on a Sunday lunchtime with the comment "Why not!", the laughing at the silly joke or the the early morning "cuppa" in bed. I feel so much for you all but selfishly reading the posts has been comforting to know I am not alone and there are brave people out there trying to get on with their lives which will never be the same again. My darling Mother told me many years ago that it does not get easier but eventually the sun shines and memories are bitter sweet.
Gransnet scares me sometimes because of the comments but this post has shown the support and sympathy that is out there. I wish you much love Maw broon your posts in the past have helped me and made me smile and I hope for all of us on this journey things will get better.

I felt so lonely after my husband of 54 years died after a long illness: Alzheimers, stroke, blindness, that I did a stupid thing which I can't understand now. I took to gambling and borrowed £15000 which I lost in just a few weeks. I am now gradually paying it back. I managed to have a few holidays as going away made me feel better. Now I am writing a romantic novel, a love triangle, with a strange setting, and weird things in it. My life is all about escapism. But in the evenings the loneliness floods back.
But things are gradually getting better.