Gransnet forums


One week

(145 Posts)
notoveryet Sun 10-Mar-19 07:17:07

A week ago my beloved husband died. He had a year longer than we had been expecting but it's still hard to say goodbye. He requested no funeral but we are going to have a celebration of his life with family and friends. I'm keeping going with the help of my two beautiful dogs who mean I have to get up and function. I've already had people tell me to get rid of them in case i can't cope (they're big and need lots of exercise) but they are going nowhere. Sometimes folk don't know what to say and that's fine but this sort of advice is hurtful.

BlueBelle Sun 10-Mar-19 07:27:27

I m so sorry for you losing your life’s partner It will be a terrible hole in your life I hope you have family and friends and your two precious dogs to help you though this very traumatic time
There is nothing anyone can say to help except we will be thinking of you
I m sending a cuddle to you 🌷

Framilode Sun 10-Mar-19 07:29:55

I am so sorry notoveryet that you are having to face this dreadful and very sad time in your life.

Take no notice of those who say the dogs should go. They give you purpose and unconditional love which you need more than ever now.

Stay strong.

tanith Sun 10-Mar-19 07:38:39

So sorry for your loss🌻
Keep your friends and family close, as you say sometimes people do say the wrong thing but at least they’ve said something rather than ignore your pain.
Enjoy your dogs.

silverlining48 Sun 10-Mar-19 07:52:51

Just wanted to say how sorry I am about the loss of your husband. Early days make no decisions now keep the dogs 🐕
A day at a time, be kind to yourself
Sending flowers

Susan56 Sun 10-Mar-19 07:55:43

So sorry about the loss of your husband💐

bumblebee34 Sun 10-Mar-19 08:06:43

Hi there, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your beloved husband, my heart goes out to you. We also were expecting the death of my late husband but it was still a MASSIVE shock when it actually happened !

You are still at the beginning of this often long and very difficult journey of grief and it won’t have sunk in yet, I found that seemed to happen over quite a period of time. I believe that is our brain’s way of helping us cope with the enormity of it all. The structure of your life as you knew it has completely collapsed around you and you have to rebuild a new and different life now which can be incredibly difficult with the pain of grief and can take a long while.

Looking after the needs of your dogs can help bring some much needed structure to a shattered life so I would certainly see how it goes if you feel you can cope. Getting a rescue dog a little while after my own loss saved my sanity I think and made me get out of bed and place one foot in front of the other for her sake when otherwise I just wanted to stay under the duvet all day! I know this isn’t the answer for everyone though.

All I will say is that I found grieving isn’t a constant progression through its journey, it is often two steps forward, one step back and at times more than one step back! Don’t be hard on yourself and don’t let others tell you how you should grieve, often people who do this haven’t got a clue what you are going through and some even think you should be back to your old self in six months or so. IT AIN’T LIKE THAT mostly I think. I found I am not the same person I was and never will be, I found it was a case of recreating yourself from scratch almost.

There is light at the end of the tunnel but the journey can feel like you are on a boat being tossed about on stormy seas, never knowing where you might end up. My thoughts will be with you as you embark on this journey you didn’t want to even take. YOU CAN DO IT 💐

Urmstongran Sun 10-Mar-19 08:10:38

My condolences notoveryet 💐 you must be feeling very raw and having your dogs to care for will add a bit of structure to your day. It’s true, people will mean well but may be a little crass at times in what they say. Your family will be your rock. Hold tight. x

Annapops Sun 10-Mar-19 08:10:52

Brave lady. You take care of those dogs and don't get upset about what people have said. They were only thinking of you and how you will be able to cope after your sad loss. I'm sure your family will offer much love and support. It's going to be a hard journey but thankfully those around you, including those dogs, will help you on your way. Sending a hug.

megan123 Sun 10-Mar-19 08:23:31

So sorry to hear of your loss flowers

sodapop Sun 10-Mar-19 08:30:52

I'm so sorry notoveryet I can't add any more to Framilode's message, you have my sympathy.
Your dogs will help you through this time, don't make any decisions too quickly.thanks

GrandmaMoira Sun 10-Mar-19 08:36:18

My condolences on your loss.

EllanVannin Sun 10-Mar-19 08:38:37

Those who haven't yet lost their husbands haven't got a clue of either what to say or how to react towards you and it's not until it happens to them that they then understand how you feel.
Take each day as it comes, but slower and more thought provoked and above all keep those dogs because they'll be your salvation.
You'll go through every emotion imaginable which is perfectly normal and if you don't feel like talking to people, you can talk to the dogs instead.

It's a difficult time ahead as you struggle to adjust to life without your husband and you'll miss him greatly. Give yourself time to come to terms and don't be forced into doing anything that you don't want to do, no matter how well-meaning people are. Do what you feel is right for you.

My best wishes go out to you x

Badenkate Sun 10-Mar-19 09:16:19

As EllanVannin said, it is impossible for those of us who haven't been in this situation to remotely understand what you are going through, but like everyone else I send hugs and sympathy. I do know, though, that if you can cope with your dogs, they will be a huge source of love and consolation, and as you say a reason to get up in the morning. Please let us know how you are, and remember we are all here for you x

1inamillion Sun 10-Mar-19 09:56:37

My condolences notoveryet. I can't add much to what's already been said except to stress that your dogs will bring you much needed comfort. DH's parents both passed away last month and our little spaniel has been a godsend, a therapy dog indeed.
I'm sorry you've been hurt by these comments, they probably meant well. Do take care of yourself. 💐

Sar53 Sun 10-Mar-19 09:57:29

My sincere condolences to you notoveryet flowers.

M0nica Sun 10-Mar-19 10:12:32

notoveryet, my sympathy is with you, no matter how much notice you have and, even, when like you, you get more time than you expected, when death does occur it is still such a shock, and for you it is so recent.

Those stupid insensitive questions you got seem to be par for the course. Comments a friend got included ' Now X is gone I assume you will selling the estate car and buying something smaller.' and, as she was then selling her mother's sheltered flat. 'I suppose you will be selling your big house now and moving into your mother's flat'

Just ignore them. I think the askers mean well, but just do not think what they are saying. Keep your dogs, their company, still having someone in the house to talk to, still having to get out each day to walk and exercise them will help to get you through this worst of times.

As others have said, stay with us, so many people here have experienced what you have and understand what you are going through.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 10-Mar-19 10:19:12

I'm so sorry notoveryet, grieving is a sad part of life. Your dogs give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning so of course you should keep them. Turn a deaf ear to advice like this. flowers

annifrance Sun 10-Mar-19 10:20:20

So some thoughtful people think you should treble the grief by getting rid of much loved dogs who will help get you through the dark times. Crass.

So sorry for an unimaginable sadness. I wish you well and remember it's not a race.

Venus Sun 10-Mar-19 10:22:04

So sorry for your loss.

I, too, lost my husband recently. It has been my pet cat that keeps me going. I know I have to get up in the morning and feed him. Having a pet gives me a focus and I know that I have a duty of care to look after him.

Keep your lovely dogs and they will be a comfort to you and give you a reason to carry on.

All the best.

Fflaurie Sun 10-Mar-19 10:23:13

My deepest sympathies, please don't get rid of your dogs, they love you and you need to bury your head in their fur and cry, they won't judge you nor give you time restraints 'to get over it'. Grieve, cry and rant, we are all here for you.

sylviann Sun 10-Mar-19 10:24:20

Sorry for your loss it takes time to come to terms with loss of a loved one I'm sure your dog's will keep going through the hard times

Singlegrannie Sun 10-Mar-19 10:24:40

Notoveryet so sorry for your loss. Some people do day the wrong thing and give unwanted advice but you know what is right for you, so try not to get upset by it, you already have enough to be upset about.

CarlyD7 Sun 10-Mar-19 10:25:12

I wish people would learn how to comfort the bereaved - rather than rushing in to offer unwanted advice. Maybe it's important to explain that you really don't need advice at the moment - but you do need someone to visit, to talk to, to remember him with you? You're in the very early stages; I agree about keeping the dogs - you've lost your life partner; you dont' need anymore loss at the moment and living in an house devoid of any other heartbeat would (I suspect) feel much worse. Age UK do a very good leaflet "bereavement in later life" which you may find useful at some stage. Meanwhile, be kind to yourself.

Mamo Sun 10-Mar-19 10:29:10

NotoveryetI am so sorry for your loss. People do say some incredibly thoughtless things at this time. You just do what feels right for you in these dark days, and take each day at a time. thanks