Funeral wishes

Pre dementia my DM was a very regular attendee at Mass so we had the full service with bells and smells at Church. Almost all her friends had already passed away but there was a good turnout from the congregation who remembered her in happier times. We buried her with Dad and I felt we'd given her the send off she would have wanted. On the other hand one of my friends is determined to leave her body to science - she's convinced they will open her up and say "how did she manage to live that long with a liver in that state?" She likes her gin!

My boss died in January, after being in the local hospice.

He was adamant that he did not want a coffin (as a renowned furniture designer, the thought of over priced laminated chipboard was abhorrent to him!)

So, he had a shroud, a "proper" one, not just a "winding sheet" and not only was it cost effective, but looked beautiful with flowers on top arranged by the family.

It was what he wanted, and was approved for cremation, although I understand that they are very popular for "green" burials.

The Coffin Company, I had a look at the site. Those coffins look great. The cardboard one is £99..... that'll do me

There was someone on mumsnet a while back who worked at a crematorium and I’m sure she said if it’s going to be cremated the coffin can’t have metal (brass?) handles, instead they have plastic ones coloured to look like brass or whatever.

Thank you for tips here. I'm another no formal service. I discovered one can approach the crematorium personally and book a slot for £500 ish. Now a cardboard coffin for £99. Great. Didn't know about the added unattended facility either. I want everyone to be informed of my demise once this has taken place. I have one C who reluctantly goes along with this and another is totally opposed. The idea of a celebratory party in due course may help this. I can but try. IMO funerals are such a rip off. If there's any money left I want it to go to my C and as little as possible to strangers no matter how 'kind' they are.

Totally agree with TEATIME.This is what we did for my dad, no ceremony, buried his ashes in a family grave, then all had tea at mums.Very pleasant as far as funerals are concerned, no upset at all, just the way he wanted it, he hated family being upset, so this was the most unselfish thing to do.

My friends mum left her body to science but they were rather shocked to find that the body was returned to them 6 months later for “ its final farewell”, best to check the small print .

I lost my husband suddenly 21 years ago after he had a massive heart attack. I have to say that the Undertaker was lovely, it was a family firm and they were very kind at a time when I was devastated and in shock. I told them that he had said he wanted a plain coffin with no fuss and they showed me a selection of the basic range with no frills, just what he had said he wanted. I was never pushed to buy anything more expensive and, after the funeral, I had a note from the local hospital to say they had received a very generous donation from the undertaker (my husband didn't want flowers so I had asked for donations to the Cardiac ward instead). Not all undertakers are out for the money. I hope you manage to find a suitable funeral arrangement, it is often a very stressful time so take care of yourself

For me, the same as Teetime cremation without ceremony.

I want a completely simple funeral too. I told my youngest son I was going to have my ashes scattered on the ocean in a place dear to us, but he asked me not to because he wanted a place to come and sit and talk to me. Brought me to tears as my own dear mum is buried 10, 000kms away and I would love to visit her too.

I've been thinking about my own funeral too. Cheap as chips, I want. I definitely don't want my kids wasting my (their) money on getting rid of my 'worn-out suit'. It won't be me. I'll be gone elsewhere, and won't care!

There's just one thing I want ... I lost twins, who are buried. And I really want my ashes scattered onto their grave. Now, I'm guessing that there are 'by-laws' about this indiscrimate distribution of ashes. But I've told my daughters not to ask permission - just do it! Dig me in a bit, so that I don't blow away. Ah ... I'll be back with my boys again. Heaven!

Sorry to hear about your MIL ?.
A friend of mine chose a white cardboard coffin and asked us all to write messages on it. It was beautiful. Very difficult but beautiful. She was cremated.
Another friend had a wicker casket. She was buried.
I think that biodegradable coffins are very popular.
I have no idea why people choose gold or silver fittings but each to their own.

Different generations different wants
Thinking of you OP at this difficult time
Mum and dad both had very expensive funerals and are buried together . Dad died fairly suddenly and mum wanted all the bits for him. So when she passed I did exactly the same casket...flowers..priest etc for her
Husband and I have ours all sorted.
Cremation and the one who died will be at home with the other till they pass
My urn/depository will be a handbag . I love handbags
My husband has his sorted as well.
My son is fine with that and we have said he can do what he wants after we are both gone
We do have a funeral plan but I would much prefer my son got a bit extra than spend it on a fancy service

My coffin is dark blue with a gold and maroon frieze around it.
The lid has an outline of New Zealand about 30cm long with a Yorkshire Rose in the middle of the North Island.

D1901, thanks for your contribution. First time I've heard such specific generosity. Mind you, don't think the local hospital should have divulged something so private. I daresay it happens regularly. Lovely thought in the midst of my reservations. Always good to soften ones entrenched opinions.

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I have to (respectfully) take issue with your posts of yesterday Jura.
Not all undertakers are anything like what you say is your experience and not all funerals the ecological disaster you quote. I can’t comment on cremations but that was my parents’ wish 20+ years ago and I respected that
However Paw had expressed a wish during one of his later periods in hospital, when things looked indeed bleak, to be buried in our local Green burial ground. At the time though it was full and no further reservations could be made so I told him he had jolly well get better and make it home again.
Sadly, 6 months later there was no longer that option as he was readmitted as an emergency. When he died I was at a loss as he had, as a devout Catholic, explicitly stipulated he wanted to be buried and I hate municipal cemeteries. Fortunately we live in a beautiful village with a 12th century church and a lovely churchyard overlooking the fields around the village.
Our local undertakers could not have been more helpful. There was absolutely no pressure regarding any of the arrangements. (The woman we spent most of the time talking to lives just across the village green from me and it all felt very neighbourly)
The simplest possible oak coffin (no knobs or twiddles, just a carved cross on the lid) - I rejected the wicker option as they reminded me too much of picnic hampers - a natural linen lining and a country churchyard burial. My SIL who sculpts in wood has made an elegant but simple cedar wood “grave marker”(from an offcut) until the Cumbrian slate stone I have chosen is completed and crocuses, daffodils and pansies now grow on my husband’s grave. Departed friends and neighbours lie within yards of him.
I walk up there with Hattie every day and can talk to him in my heart. It is as natural as we could have chosen and he is still at home here in our village.
There are worse places to spend eternity.

My FIL aged 81 died last month. He opted for the cheapest no frills do possible. The funeral directors offered to do a complete package for 3,500k paid up front.
My DH conducted the whole funeral of 25 minutes.
We walked in to 'Simply the best' by Tina Turner which raised a few eyebrows as towards the end of his life he was not the easiest person to get on with.
He did agree to a cheap coffin and hearse but said as we all had our own cars we could make our own way to the country chapel.
The reception was held at his bungalow c/o Mr Tesco party nibbles.
Everyone agreed it was the most touching and individualsised ceremony they had ever been to.

When you are bereaved and have to attend to "order" the funeral, coffin etc. it can be overwhelming. I have a friend who felt pressurised into ordering a coffin which she really couldn't afford. It is much kinder to organise everything yourself then your family knows you got exactly what you wanted.
My choice is for no funeral, straight cremation, ashes to be scattered in a beautiful garden and a party afterwards.

do as your relative asks .palm/grass coffin or even biogradable cardboard .. £1 shop flowers are good ,they wont die off. and donate money to a good cause if any. good way to go...ask her her fav hymn though........good luck

I conducted my husband's funeral myself (non religious), had music played which was meaningful to us, then accompanied the coffin to the cremator where I watched the flames as the stainless steel door slowly closed. His ashes were scattered in the Caribbean Sea a year later.
After the service my sister-in-law asked if I could "do her's" when the time came.
I've never spoken to anyone who accompanied the body as I did. No idea why I asked to do it, it just seemed right.

So sorry you and your family are having to go through this Cherrytree59
I have alot of experience, unfortunately, of close family funerals, my sisters only last year.
So much money is spent, and I agree, it's all very unnecessary. I do get upset when families overrule the wishes of the departed, it makes me hope that my family will follow my instructions.
I want the least amount spent possible on myself, and I thank all the gransnetters for all the info that I didn't know, and will be googling promptly

My thinking is on the same lines as your MIL.

As basic as possible just to meet the requirements of the law.

The close family only, no extended family or friends.

Is she aware that you dont need a coffin / funeral director at all?

My FIL was miss sold a "basic" pre paid funeral by a funeral director. He wanted the least frills cremation available and the sold him a coffin and "basic funeral"

When he later found out that DH and I are planninv to have direct disposal (straight from mortuary to cremetorium, no funeral home, no coffin) he was shocked! Thats what he wanted! But was led to believe that a "basic funeral" was a minimum requirement. It is not. (He is too polite to complain and get his funeral plan money back now bless him)

A coffin or burrial shroud is only a requirement I believe for burrials.

They are still widely miss sold as "basics" for cremation.

You can go directly for a cremation in your mortuary bodybag.

A coffin is only "needed" for the crematorium is you want to do the whole bit of the service where the coffin is in the service for a bit then goes behind the curtain.

The deceased can be viewed when they die at home/hospice/hospital. Hospital mortuaries have chapels of rest where deceased can be viewed in the day or two after death too. If people feel viewings help the bereaved. No coffin required for this either. You ONLY need a basic viewing coffin if you are having a funeral director style wake or a catholic style post embalming home wake.