How are you finding widowhood?

DH died in a September 2017 a year after being diagnosed with Stage 4 bowel cancer. He was 64, me 62 and we had both retired 2-3 years before.
I see more of my friends than I did, have taken short holidays and become involved in a new charity supporting parents of special children. Like others, to the outsider I am doing fine. Sometimes I am.
Last weekend I was part of a conversation with 2 other people who were talking about their good news of cancer remission. I walked away in tears. How could I not be pleased for them? Direct hit by the ball in the box.
On Wednesday I joined a new walking group and chatted to a chap who I discovered had worked with DH. He told me stories of their work. Then he asked me to pass on his regards. I had to explain DH had died. This time I was not upset ( though he was). So the ball missed the button.
I echo the coming home alone, being the odd number person and having no one to do nothing with. But I also chose new room colours on my own for the first time ever and have mastered the lawnmower almost!
As a friend in a similar situation said to me recently, Do you think they are sitting on a cloud having a nice glass of red and saying how proud they are of us?
And now I am in tears!

To all of us who are missing partners

I was widowed in early 2016. My husband had been severely disabled for several years and had also developed vascular dementia; the end, when it came was sad but not a shock and frankly rather a relief, particularly after the final two months of horror when his brain went completely after a series of strokes.

My finances were pretty dire - we'd been living abroad and basically burning through capital after some investments collapsed in the wake of 2008 - so I returned to the UK and luckily found a decent job. I have a small house which I share with my unemployed son. I've been dating since late 2017 and last year met a lovely chap who will probably be moving in with me later this year.

My marriage was, like many, mixed - some good bits, some bad - but I still think I'm happier with a man around. The new bloke is very different from my husband but seems to suit me at this point in my life.

My husband died unexpectedly of a a heart attack in 2016, mowing the lawn at the front of our house, so it was a very public death. Whilst waiting for the ambulance and subsequent undertaker, a lot of people we knew had passed and my phone was red hot with texts. I couldn't tell my daughter as she was sitting her final exam that day at Uni, I was so frightened someone would post on social media I rang my son, and we agreed, as there was nothing she could have done, that we would not tell her until the next day. Such an awful day.

He had had a scare in Portugal in 2012 with his heart and was diagnosed with arrhythmia and COPD. The drugs seemed to be controlling the heart condition, and we expected him to spend his last years with assisted breathing in a hospice. We never thought he would have a heart attack, it was a complete shock to the kids and I.

The worst part of widowhood for me is having no-one to do nothing with, and several widows on the WAY UP website I belong to also echo this.

I've learnt to eat alone, make all the decisions alone, travel alone - but still can't accept how 'alone' I am. I had my children in my late 30's/early 40's do they are only 23 and 25 and not settled in their lives yet. My daughter is just returning from her gap year travels, my son has just started working again as a taxi driver. Both have partners.

Thinking of the 'grief box' my grief is still as huge, I haven't managed to 'enlarge' my world at all. The one new friend I made has dropped me due to a silly remark I made.

I hope when I sell my house I can move forward.

Hugs to all experiencing this life change, it's only when it happens to you can you empathise with others.

As for a new partner - the kids driving instructor from the past asked me out for a coffee. Unbelievably, he phoned at 11.30 pm at night to ask me. Definitely not ready for any new 'friendships' with a man - or not one like him, at least!

Reading these posts have made me feel that I must appreciate what I have more. I will tell my DH how much I love him tonight.

My condolences to all who have been widowed. My husband of 41 years died of mouth cancer in 2011 while we were living in France. I have sold the property in France and moved back to be near to my family but that took four years. Years I wouldn’t want to go through again. The loneliness was unbearable at times. I joined Wayup too and it was a lifesaver. Always somebody to respond on line and tell you that your feelings are normal.
I have been back in the UK for four years now and have been lucky enough to meet a wonderful man. Please don’t criticise those of us that have chosen to love again. I’ve been told that I obviously didn’t love my husband as I am now disrespecting him by finding new love. Fortunately my adult children have been very supportive. We are all different, what’s right for one is not right for others.

It's so interesting reading all your messages on how you're coping.

The man I had a relationshiip with was too flakey and inconsistant. It was lovely for a while, but it was an interlude in my new life and I was trying to get someone to fill the void. There are some very flakey men out there (some not much older than my son of 31) who are happy to prey on vulnerable widows...so beware!

I realise I don't need a man to make my life complete, as I'm too busy finding myself again. I like the company of men, but I was married to a very handsome, articulate, modest and highly intelligent man...so a hard act to follow.

I'm really pleased for those of you who have found new companionship and for those who are also in the process of finding the real you. It's strange how being in a long marriage can inhibit our real essence.

I think the important thing is to keep positive, move forward, nurture and love yourself first & foremost. Who knows what the Universe will bring our way!

I lost my husband last year in March 2019. Although he had complex health issues it wasn't expected. He was never right after contracting sepsis in Oct 2018. Post sepsis that took him. He never fully recovered.

I am blessed to have so many around me. I am not lonely for company. I have plenty and a full life. I'm lonely for my husband though.

He was and is my 2nd husband and the dad he didnt have to be to mine by the ex who my adult youngsters have no contact with by their choice.

There are no words to sum up the emptiness and the longing.

I live a spiritual life. I dont see myself as widowed though in earthly terms I am, I know. My husband is always with me, just in a different way now.

I met him in 2002 and we lived together very quickly. We were together 16 years and married 10 years last year when he passed. He was 60.

He was and is my husband, best friend and soul mate. No one can or will replace him. I wear his wedding ring underneath mine on the 3rd finger, left hand.

I have his fingerprint embedded on a silver heart chain and a tattoo in his memory.

I'm grateful for all we had and have. Death ended my husband life. It did not end our relationship. I have forged a new relationship with him. One forged out of grief and love. It doesnt get better. It gets different.

Fortunately those around me are happy to talk about my husband in the now too. Meaning for example, they still feel my husband love and presecence in the home so they say hi David when they come in.

I dont think you get over it. I.sm moving forward with my husband in spirit. His love hasn't gone just cos he isn't here

I said to someone a while ago who was making noises about moving on, I said this: "You've lost your Mom haven't you so your motherless! So your going to go find a new mom then" They were horrified. I just smiled and I said "and the difference is?" And walked off.

I am happy to dance this earth to my tune until it's my time then we will be reunited for eternity

Saggi I find your post most disrespectful. I am not a widow either, I have much loved husband and I hope to have him for many years yet. However I have widowed friends who would be equally disgusted. If your marriage is unhappy then you have the power to do something about it. These ladies cannot bring their husbands back. Now if you don't have anything pleasant to say - I suggest you refrain from commenting.

To all of you who are widowed, please accept my sympathies and a very large hug. My husband's sister lost her lovely husband in April and another sister called last night to say that her husband's sister lost her battle with the big C last week.

It's been moving to read all these messages and see everything I feel echoed by others. My husband died in Oct 2016 two years after his cancer diagnosis, and almost 50 years after we met. I am now 71.

I have coped pretty well, or so everyone tells me. I've kept going out and socialising, I've been on several singles holidays, I've takeen up the ukulele and joined a club. On the whole I am happy for much of the time, although the pain is always there. It's a bit like having lost a limb or something - you learn to live in a worthwhile but different way.

And yes, I am often lonely. I am used to my own company, but miss having someone around, someone to make me a cup of coffee, to tell me whether I should get the car repaired, to share my interest in the family and their doings, and just to hug me and hold me. I can't imagine marrying again, but I do like male company and would like to have someone to share days out, holidays, walks, pub lunches, etc. However, I think it unlikely that I will meet anyone special, and I am resigned to being alone and sometimes lonely. I am lucky enough to have a loving, supportive family (not close by, alas), a lovely house and garden, and enough money to do most of the the things I want to do.

One thing for widows to think about: be cautious about getting too close to others who are recently bereaved. I know this sounds harsh, but the sympathy you feel can cause flashbacks and throw you right back to the early days of your grief, ripping off that layer of protective skin you've grown around your heart. If this happens, you're no use your friends or to anyone else and may just end up needing extra support. Sometimes you need to protect yourself.

I still miss my husband and best friend, I have made the most of opportunities to travel, go places and meet new people. Howevever I do find now I am 70, I rarely see my children and grandchildren, I do feel lonely and when I was recently taken into hospital as an emergency and was asked who they could contact, I said no one unless I die. The young lady looked shocked, but I said it without thinking, I have spent so much time coping and being alone that I am used to it. I know other widows who are very much a big part of their families and it must be good to have that back up. To have a good close friend as I did most of my life, she was such a help we went out together and spoke each day, but she died in her sleep four years ago.

Saggi, you must not be so happy to say what you do, do I feel a bit sorry girl your situation. I am glad I had love and a good marriage and although it's hard now, that time we had together was great,

Do sorry Saggi for the typing errors. Did not mean to say girl, I do not know where that came from.

Dear DotMH1901. In terms of times and ages you and I are similar. It was just 27 years ago that I lost my husband and I had just had my 42nd birthday. I simply had to carry on because I had two children at school and one at University - just started.

Then I met another sweet man 7 years after. We did not get around to moving in together but saw a lot of each other and went out to lovely places. He would do such kind things on my birthday for example. He had cancer and committed suicide eight years ago next week. I found him. My life since has been very hard. There were other terrible unrelated things like the man who attacked me in my home. I would never have imagined I would have had so many hard things happen to me when I was over 60. I am being treated for PTSD.

I have absolutely no wish or inclination to be with anyone else. I can manage somehow on my own although sometimes there are days when my pain is so bad I can't keep on top of things and have to put up with things way below the standards I would prefer.

aggie you say "but some days I see nor speak to no one" until your DD1 returns. I too see nobody for days on end. This week I have only spoken to the young man in the Coop when I bought my milk etc. I think I have got used to it. My children live a long way away.
Sometimes, because I can't get out, I think I am just waiting to die. But I have taken on 5 very small rescued dogs, and they need me. The garden is big enough for their exercise and they play together. They are so easy to look after! Easier than one big dog I once had! They give me a reason to live. I am just very scared of the day when they reach the end of their lives. They are not young.

I do understand about how everything is arranged for couples, even shopping - "buy one get one half price" when I would not eat it in time! Paying extra to go on holiday and then being used as the "peg" to sit opposite the aisle in the back seat of the coach to hold together the people on either side. I hate that! You have nothing to hold onto and are forced to lean on strangers as the coach turns corners. But worst of all was when on the lovely scenic train rides, I being the "odd" one had to sit next to the Guide and as she said, she had to have the worst positions so I did not see the views!
After that I avoided organised holidays, much as I would like to see some of the places they go to. I travelled under my own steam and booked directly with the hotels. I had so much better service! Also in restaurants, I found that Waiters looked after me so well and kindly when they realised I was alone. I can't get out much now.

To those of you in the early days of bereavement I send my deepest sympathy, and pray that peace will come for you. To all who are alone and sad, I send my warmest love. We have each other even if it is on this page.

Oh Peonyrose! Bless you, you sound so sad! I shall be 70 in the Autumn. I can identify with every word you say! My children and grandchildren might see me once a year... My best friend died a year after my husband who died a long time ago.
My life is just living alone, disabled, trying to keep the house from becoming a tip because it is hard with all the pain to do things. I hardly ever go out as I can't walk very far and using the wheelchair is impossible as I can't get it in the car and the disability scooter is very difficult too, not much use for visits or doing the types of things I used to do,
Yes, I too was admitted to hospital suddenly just over a year ago and said there is nobody to contact unless I die. While I was there, most nurses were simply lovely. However I shall never get over the two dreadful girls who simply abused me. Being alone, they knew I was an easy target. It has made me scared to go into hospital again. It is another thread really so I will not go into it.
I send you lots of love and I do hope you can make some friends and get out and find some pleasant things to do. Elle x

Farawaynanny. It is so awful that you have to say;

"Please don’t criticise those of us that have chosen to love again. I’ve been told that I obviously didn’t love my husband"

People who say such things are simply cruel!
It is not true!

Of course you loved your first husband! It is a terrible and spiteful thing to say to a kind-hearted person who has found a loving person to be with again. I am sure your late husband smiles on you from the next world! When you all get there there will be such love! It won't matter about the married love on earth but it will be pure love so all three of you will be together.

I do hope you have not been upset by these dreadful judgemental people! We are all different. I do not want to be with anybody else now. But it has nothing to do with my late husband! It is my personal preference. Anybody who finds love again after the loss of a husband/ wife/partner whom they dearly loved, deserves to be happy the second time! I am sure most people would say something like "My husband would not want me to be alone" or "My husband would be happy for me." Life goes on! Everybody's life is individual. None of us knows what is round the corner. A few years after my husband died, a friend said did I know anyone where I worked who was nice..... I said I was not looking for another relationship and she said "That is when it happens!" The next thing was, I had to go to a different city for a conference and there was this kind and thoughtful, funny and intelligent, sweet and compassionate, lovely man.... So my second love began. Sadly he died too. But we did have much happiness for several years.

So, in the face of nasty comments - ignore them and walk away!

Never say never, embrace what is good, and be kind to yourself through the pain for it simply reflects the wonderful and special love you shared and nobody can take that away.

Saggi. It goes without saying - not all husbands are as controlling as this. Many are the opposite and need a wife to subtly suggest a different tie or shirt....
If you are finding life with your husband to be as you describe in your post, I am truly sorry. Is there not any way you can get away from such a miserable life with this nagging person?

Regarding the subject that some people like to be with someone and after being widowed. Sometimes I have noticed that it is those people who have been in a very loving and mutually supportive relationship who want to share their life with someone else again. These people are often loving and gentle and may attract the kind of man who wants to look after them in a true sense of partnership.

Not all marriages are the same. Obviously.

Oh not again! sorry there's an extra "and" which is not needed, 1st line 2nd para. between "someone" and "after"

I do hope I can get my eyes done soon! Maybe my brain...?

trueblue and hondagirl, Regarding the difficulty of other people going back to normal after your bereavement: I had been bereaved by suicide when I was 42, and the children were at school. Our Methodist Minister at my Husband's Service told my mother that it is more difficult in the second year. He said that people remember during the first year. When it gets to the second year after, people think you are coping now and have adjusted. I found this to be true.
As far as "coping" well, I coped because I had to! What else could I do? Adjusting? I don't think I can ever adjust to his suicide. Then, about 17 years later, my next love committed suicide too - albeit for far more understandable reasons - so now I know I shall never recover. I sometimes feel like a hollow shell.
hondagirl - I am so sorry you have lost your husband recently. I do hope you will find some comfort as you go through the days ahead. I always say to people try to eat well - take vitamin supplements even, as it is so easy to let yourself go and forget that good nutrition helps keep you feeling well. I am absolutely terrible at practising what I preach though! Bless you! Hugs ((0)) Elle x

My husband passed away last month 5th May. He was unwell since Xmas and had been losing weight and in a lot of pain. From the time he was diagnosed the cancer had spread to his lungs, pancreas, liver and lymph nodes. He perked up when given morphine and steroid and we had three good weeks with him when he was positive and pain free. He collapsed in the locked toilet from pulmonary embolism, I am still reliving the panic and distress getting neighbors to break down the door. I miss him so much!!!!

Qinwa my condolences you must still be in shock

Oh Qinwa, that must have been terrible for you. Please accept my condolences. It's so hard isn't it especially when your husband was taken so suddenly. I can echo most of the sentiments here, especially the empty house and having no one to do the little things that my husband used to do for me. And being the one responsible for everything. Thank you Tillybelle and trueblue22 for your kind words, and for starting this thread trueblue22. Maybe we can keep it going to continue to support each other. especially those of us who can't rely on nearby family for support.

My sincere condolences to you quinwa. It's very early days and you are probably still numb with shock. Take care of yourself and know we are here if you want to share.

I found journalling quite helpful to get those feelings out.

When I started this thread, I was surprised that it hadn't been covered before. As we are grand, we're probably a certain age and more likely to be losing a partner.

There is life after, but you have to grab, and enjoy, every moment. I believe our passed loved one would want us to

My experiences of widowhood, very recent, are somewhat different but as the OP asks I will relate mine.
Firstly sincere condolences to you all, especially the ones widowed young and those now feeling so alone.
My H died 7 weeks ago, he was just 83 and we had been married for over 60 years.
He had had Alzheimer's for the last 6/7/8 of those ,had a major stroke last year and had recently been diagnosed with cancer
I looked after him at home until last November when he went into care .
His death came as a relief, I loved him dearly but he was out of his mental torture and it WAS torture for him, and his physical disability which he railed against, and he never knew he had cancer and did not suffer from it as he died just 10 days after we were told it has become very aggressive and advanced.

I had grieved for 6 years, had worn myself into the ground looking after him and now I am trying to pick up the pieces but as I am 82 in 4 weeks I do not have time on my side and I am left rather disabled myself with osteoarthritis.
Obviously I do not miss the company of a man, I felt I didn't have that for years in reality, had I been much younger I would have looked for companionship for social reasons eventually, but even that ship has sailed now.

To those of you who find love again, best wishes, for those who want friendship I hope you find it.
For myself I can look back on a long life, a long marriage , a very peaceful end for my husband, with something approaching contentment, in time, not quite yet.

I have had "one of those mornings", so decided to pop into Gransnet to see how you all were, and happened upon this post. Oh Dear! 3 months since my beloved husband died, after a short horrible last few weeks fight against the cancer which had been dogging him for several years.It was not unexpected, but I think I must have been in total shock, because I could not think of anything to say at his funeral, except"He was kind, he was funny, and I loved him to bits" All if which is true, and I so wish I could hold him in my arms just once more. I go out, I live in a close community, so there is always someone to chat to if I take a walk, but like most people on here, there is no-one at home to tell about this, and that is what is so sad, the not sharing. Yes, I am sure things will get better, and it is always good when the sun shines, which it is trying to do at the moment, 67 years of being with and loving the same person, memories which bring smiles and when shared with friends laughter, a good life and no regrets, He would want for me to grieve but be "happy", and so I am doing all the things we liked to do together and also making new friends which helps pass the days.