How are you finding widowhood?

Dear Qinwa
I am so very sorry that your Dear Husband has dies so recently and that when he collapsed it was such a frightening experience trying to get to him. I beg you to take life gently, being very kind to yourself. If you need sleep then take a rest no matter the time of day. Try to eat well, buy yourself comfort food and easy to cook tempting food such as the M&S meals.
It will take a long time to recover from the frightening experience of not being able to open the door when your husband collapsed. You may find it comes back to you for some years. If it is causing you a lot of stress, please go to your Doctor. When I found the person I mentioned whom I met several years after my husband died, I had a very bad shock indeed. Their were circumstances a bit like yours and things I never describe. I am still being treated for PTSD, but in part that is due to another bad event since. However, I am thinking of you here; if that terrifying time by the bathroom door keeps coming back to you, I would urge you to discuss it with your Doctor. It could be that you have some signs of PTSD. I am not saying you have! Do not misunderstand me - but your Doctor could decide if there is some more help from which you could benefit.
Sending you very much love and prayers that peace will come to your heart soon, Elle x

annsixty. What an ordeal you had! How hard it must have been to watch your much loved husband endure such terrible trials and afflictions. You too would have suffered. Watching a loved one go through this is so terribly hard - it can feel unendurable. I am sure having you beside him gave him strength and comfort to get through such dreadful suffering.

I know about feeling relief when a loved-one is released from their pain. I have prayed that someone would die and so have their pain ended. It does not mean that you are not in bereavement however, even though the burdens of coping with everyday life fell to you long before he died.

Do take care of yourself, as I said to everyone else. As time passes, in my experience, you will dwell less on his latter days of suffering and think more of the wonderful days of full health when you shared your lives and did many things together.

Sending you every good wish for peace and happiness, Elle x

Their were circumstances ?X! There were ! Blooming spell corrector and my bad typing - sorry!

trueblue22. I can't remember if I said this!! I think it might have been on another thread!

I really admire you! You are taking such positive and constructive steps towards building your life after your sad bereavement. Well done!! Congratulations on becoming a Counsellor! That is a most worthwhile and essential job and and can be quite thankless sometimes!

I think you were very brave to give another relationship a try and to be able to walk away from it when it was not the right one.

I too sing, when I can. It is such a blessed thing to do, I find, although I now get too emotional over some of the music we sing. I think you are a really good model for anyone trying to think how to cope.

Of course there will be others who find a period of peace away from the hustle and bustle of people is essential to their path through the time after losing a very close loved-one. I find this is needed for me at times, mixed with, if possible, meeting people from time to time. At the moment I have become a lot more house-bound through the increased pain of my disability so I am not a typical person regarding my life-style.

I think you have posted such a valuable topic. It is so obvious how many people are finding it helpful and how many people are helping each other. GransNet at its best!

Thank you so much trueblue22 you are a star! ⭐️

Very kind thoughts to everyone Tillybelle
Thankyou

Our Methodist Minister at my Husband's Service told my mother that it is more difficult in the second year. He said that people remember during the first year. When it gets to the second year after, people think you are coping now and have adjusted. I found this to be true.
As far as "coping" well, I coped because I had to

So true Tillybelle “ coping and adjusting” are what society perceives from the outside. I am in my second year and finding it much harder at times because some of the shock has worn off and the reality that there is now just me and that is my life from now on is something I am learning to live with. Because we are not weeping and wailing and tearing our clothes like characters in. Greek tragedy we are seen to be “coping” If only others knew what went on indoors and in our minds.
I was particularly hurt by insensitive remarks - not meant at all unkindly - but which showed how the speaker really had no comprehension of what it is like.
Paw died in November, and the following January a very nice lady I know at my art history class commented “oh dear, that must have cast a bit of a shadow over Christmas “
Another who was going through a messy divorce said “ it’s not as bad as divorce, I do think you are lucky that he still loved you” again

There is nothing you can say is there?
I am learning that each one of us bears our grief differently and also that however hard you try to show sympathy and empathy, you don’t know what is is like until it happens.

My husband died 11 years ago. Our son died age 28, 13 years before that, and going back more years, my mother took her life by overdose in 1973 age 56. My father died in 1951, age 32 of TB.

My mother never got over losing my father when I was eight, and sank into a melancholic state lasting 22 years till she decided 'to join him'. By then I had two little ones.

My upbringing had been in convent boarding schools and with my maternal grandparents in school holidays. Then on leaving school and working in a bank, I stayed in hostels followed by flat-sharing, in London. Mother decided to come to live in my marital home.

As a result of the background, I guess I have an inbuilt barrier against wallowing, and fortunately, in our marriage we each had our own interests and were never joined at the hip. I will always miss him though.

A wonderful new life came into the world when DD, my surviving child, had her baby boy, soon after the last bereavement, he is now ten and a great joy. As they don't live very near and the first two years of coming home to an empty house were very wearing, I got a rescue cat. No doubt I am more besotted with her than I should be, but this companion is very important.

What I have found most difficult on the practical side, is maintaining the house. My husband, an engineer, did everything himself - electrics, plumbing etc and was a DIY man. The problem of sourcing tradesmen took a while to find the right ones (word-of-mouth always best) and I know I was sometimes ripped-off along the way.

There are friends if I needed to ask for help but I so hate asking. The independence that was forced on me in youth plays a big part. Worrying brings illness, so one battles on!!

My husband died very suddenly of sepsis just 5months ago. He had just retired and we had lots of things planned. I am thinking of selling my house and moving near my daughter and her family, but my dilema is my mum and dad are both over nintey and rely on me quite a lot. I feel i am stuck in the middle and can,t move on.....any thoughts ? I am only talking of moving approx 45min away.

Dear Tillybelle thank you so much for your positive responses. I think we need to give each other a pat on the back for being as positive as we are able. Even those of us who are still struggling with the shock of bereavement, need validation that we understand.

Your mention of PTSS brought me to tears. It reminded me of when I had to perform CPR on my DH on our bed whilst on the phone to 999.....the pain is never far from the surface.

Citygranny, I would say it's too soon to be making any big lifestyle changes yet. You're still coming to terms with the shock of your loss, and may not be ready to make a sensible decision. Besides, moving house is very stressful (even as a couple, let alone on your own) and you need to be feeling strong to face such a change. In another year or so, you'll have a better idea what you want from life, and your parents' circumstances may have changed. I think you should take a bit longer to think about all this before deciding.

Reading some of these posts, I realise how lucky I've been.
I was widowed in 1998.

Shouldering all the responsibility for decision making is hard
Yes, it is but because my husband was diagnosed so early in our married life, I had to do that from about 1976 onwards anyway.

I was the main bread-winner as my husband could work only intermittently and when you have two small boys and a sick partner, there's a limit to what you can earn, so it was a struggle on all fronts, especially as 'the authorities' were no help whatsoever.

When he died, I was glad it was all over (apart from the questions in parliament) and to tell the truth, he had, long before, ceased to be the lovely man I married.

All my grief that a good person had been dealt such a rotten hand, happened whilst he was still alive.

I mourned but it was very much tempered by relief for him. For that I am grateful.

Afterwards, I dedicated myself to my boys until they were old enough to be totally independent. There will never be another, permanent man in my life.

It’s two and half years since my husband of 50years passed away and twelve months since the unexpected death of my lovely second daughter. The pain is still raw, however as as been said I hide it and carry on. I don’t think you truly get over it but learn to live with it a little better (if that makes sense) Wishing you all peaceful times ahead.

Sorry meant to say no second man for me either.

Saggi, I have to say your post moved me to tears. Sometimes 'freedom' is another word for loneliness or nothing left to lose. I am sorry you do not appear to have experienced the depth of unconditional love some of us widows have done, and wish you well in your future.

Thanks a few things to think about....it's so hard.