I don’t want to accept that my DH has gone

oryx What a very sad post. Sending all good wishes to you. I have a friend who is in a similar position. It's so sad. She just keeps saying 'I want him back'.

Everyone else has said what I wanted to say ?my thought are with you oryx1

I am sure there is life after death: I've had experiences which can only be explained by this being true. But are you sure you want to stop your cancer treatment? If there is a possibility of a 100% cure, would your dear late husband want you to give up on it? I can totally understand how you feel, but wonder if you are making the right decision. Speak to your husband in your mind, and God too - maybe it is time to let go, but just maybe you could come to terms with a wait to be reunited with your husband, and do a lot of good in the world meantime.

I am so sorry for your loss. You have all my sympathy. God bless you. Xx

I may be way off beam here ,Oryxl but I wonder if you have thought about telephoning The Samaritans?
They are there 24 hours a day and possibly may be able to help.
My thoughts and prayers are with you
Please let us know how you get on.

It has been eight long years, a life time more like , since losing DH.
We never had the chance to say goodbye.Would that have made it any less painful?

Big hugs, as others have said, it's such early days for you. Joining WAY UP and this article helped me - although it is on the macmillan age it relates to everyone regarding grief.

community.macmillan.org.uk/cancer_experiences/bereaved_spouse/f/bereaved_spouse-forum/108006/grief-in-a-jar-how-it-feels

Love and sympathy oryx1 as you cope with your unimaginable loss. I do hope that things get better.

I cannot add to the incredible depth of wisdom and sympathy here from other GNetters. This is GN at its best. I am so moved by how wonderful you all are.

I am so sorry for your loss and for how you are feeling now. I do not know if there is an afterlife but you could decide to explore if there is along a route of enquiry that suits your values. as you have gand children you might like to leave them the life story of their grandparents, yourself and your husband. You could get all your momentos together and employ a ghost writer who will interview you and write your story. This cost about £1,500 at the basic level.

These activities might enable you to feel a bit better, talking to the ghost writer might be more help now than further grief counselling. By getting a book written for your grand children you are ensuring that you and your husband live on in their memories after you are gone.

All the very best.

You say you had discussed life after you had gone with DH not thinking of the situation you find yourself in. If there was any 'you will manage' type of talk you now should take that up for yourself. Please don't give up on the counselling, it is an opportunity for you to talk about what happened and how you feel that you don't seem to have an opportunity to do with anyone else. Discuss your medication also. I lost my daughter 3 months ago and I know how despair sets in with no obvious way out. I know how you can just crumble with absolutely no thought as to what triggered it. Happened this week when I walked into a store, just couldn't hold back the tears. It's grief and no one can tell you how it will be, what it will feel like or how long it will last. If you can go outside, say a sit in a park near children, with a book, look at the world about you and remember all the good parts of your life and how your DH would view how you feel and what you are thinking. I know what my DD would be saying! Gransnet is also a good opportunity to let out some of your feelings, writing them down helps.

Sending loving thoughts and prayers. X

I have no idea how you are suffering with your cancer, and this added grief, and can only admire your courage and strength to write here about it. I hope it has helped. My husband died in February this year, not unexpectedly and after being ill for some time, so it was a relief for him and in the end me - but you know he is still here for ME. I have always believed that people do not die until such time as there is no one on earth who remembers them, and in some cases share happy memories. I hope there will come a time for you, when you will remember something quite unexpected that will bring a smile to your lips, time alone can do that. In the meantime, take care of yourself, I know that is hard, but you know it is important.

I can only send you loving hopes that you will follow all the wonderful advice on here. The awful pain of grief does ease with time. I hope you find some comfort - do try Way Up. It sounds a positive way to go. Perhaps sending your post and seeking understanding is a beginning. Small steps. xx

I lost my husband 7 years next month. I thought I was going crazy until I found Way Up. Like Dillyduck says it's really helpful. It made me relies that I had to try & get on with my life for both of us. Try & put some routine into your day. Including getting out of the house. It really does help. xx

3 months is very recent, Oryx1. Give it time. As you find comfort in your ‘special’ room, continue to sit there and talk to him - there’s no shame in grief. You WILL get through this, but you will never stop missing your husband, or stop loving him.

From the little I have read here, so obviously I could be speaking in ignorance, but it looks to me like your children may have received the message that you'd prefer them to give you space, based on how you have described your feelings about listening to them. Now I am not blaming you, as it's obvious you've been very stressed for a long time, and quite depressed for almost as long. But if this is any comfort I get the impression your children could be there for you more if you gave them the indication you'd like that. As to them blathering on about their own lives when they speak to you, they're probably just making conversation as you may be fairly passive in a conversation, based on how you describe your mood. If you could pretend to be interested until you are feeling well enough to be really interested, and then gradually bring in things that matter to you, you may find they're quite happy to talk about your life and feelings too.

BlueBelle wrote some very wise words...listen to her. I send love and peace to you xxx

I just wish that I could show your post to your AC so that they can see exactly how much pain that you are in and how hurt you are. Everyone is so busy these days, jobs are so demanding and at weekends families have so much to catch up on .... however, it takes 5 minutes to make a phone call, just to let someone know that you are thinking of them. I know that I am very lucky with my 3 AC so my heart goes out to you. Have you ever considered writing to them just so that they know how you feel ? I don’t mean an accusory letter, just that you don’t understand why they have always been so distant. Years of neglect could be rectified so easily if they suddenly realised your situation. If nothing changes, then it is truly their loss. Sending you love ?

Sending my best wishes, oryxl.

oryx1
I'm so sorry for your loss, particularly when you have such health issues yourself.

Sending you love and strength.

DM not DH

I remember my DH telling mil that one never gets over losing one's husband but one learns to live alongside it over time. Three months is nothing in the scheme of things. Give yourself a year and a day and revisit medication and diet . So very sorry for you.

We all have out allotted time here, then we move on. We don't die. We only die from this dimension.
so agree with you Lyndiloo.

Sorry I also wanted to add a plug for WAY UP - it has been a source of support for me. There are discussion forums, useful information and local events to take part in. The biggest comfort for me was to realise that you are not alone in your journey and it is a safe place to share your feelings. Take care x

Not much to add but agree with all that has been said. I am 2 years into this journey now and things do get easier or maybe you learn to live with it. At the beginning your grief is all encompassing and your world shrinks but slowly you will find you can let others in and whilst your grief is still there at the centre of everything your world gets bigger. My best advice is take one day at a time, be kind to yourself and allow yourself to do whatever feels right at the time.