pre bereavement

Is there a hospice for the dying nearby that you could contact? They would perhaps be able to give you advice and support in this situation?

I have four years to go till 82. I hope I can cling onto the "saving grace" things. Books, cake, comfy bed, log fires, warming sun, the countryside, adult kids to take me out.

But I think the being without your lifelong partner could be the big stumbling block.

The GP should give advice. And treatment.

Sorry crossed posts re hospice, Lessismore.

After many years of ill health and almost 10 years on dialysis my mum decided that enough was enough and made the decision to cease treatment and go home to die peacefully. She was only 73 and decided that she really couldn't take any more. We fully respected her wishes as did the doctors who were looking after her. She died at home a week after being discharged from hospital.

I helped dad nurse and watch my mom die a slow, lingering and painful death with cancer and so wished she could have gone quickly for her sake, as well as for mine and my father's. As soon as she did die and the funeral was over, it was like a veil was lifted and we could both go on to enjoy life again as much as we could, and as she would have wanted, and to try to remember the good times.

Gosh gilly, that's tough.....all these decisions are. I have been through and am going through some very challenging stuff , with very elderly parents.

I admire so much, people who can have open conversations about such matters.

I have to say if i wanted to die because of my reasons, I'd be very upset that my family were not respectful of my decision.

My healthy robust mother told me in no uncertain terms that I should not let her suffer or let her be unable to know her own mind..in old age, I knew what she ment.
Sadly she died suddenly aged 73, she was not ill.
I would have respected her wishes..

I completely understand your feelings about this Joolsvernel and agree that it is very hard to hear. I lost my own beloved Mum a few weeks ago and she had been talking in a similar way for a couple of years before her death. She had been in pretty good health other than some age related cardiac problems and I so wish I had listened better and talked about and validated her feelings. She was 96 when she died but I truly thought she would live beyond 100. She most certainly wasn't depressed and I don't think this situation should be medicalised though others clearly disagree. Treasure the time you spend with her and love her like there's no tomorrow xx

You have my sympathy Joolsvernel. I went through a very similar thing with my father once my mother died. He just did not want to be here anymore and this didn’t change over the 4 years he lived without her. He was depressed but refused to take tablets because he said they made him feel strange. I was angry with him because he was surrounded by a lovely large family who were all trying their hardest to make a good life for him. I would visit him everyday, cook his favourite meals (which he frequently told me were not as nice as mum had made) and take him on outings. Nothing was ever good enough. He was admitted to hospital for a long standing condition and we were told he would be out in 2 or 3 days. As soon as he got to hospital he stopped eating and quickly went down hill. I realised that he felt ‘safe’ dying in hospital and he died after 8 days. It was his choice and I know we all tried our best but he wanted to go. My dad was 91 though so older than your mum. If she doesn’t want to be helped I really don’t think there’s anything you can do.

You have my sympathy jules you really do. My 94 year old MIL lost her sight and mobility, she also had dementia and didn't want to live any more - a marked change to her earlier attitude of treating each day as a bonus. She lost her independence which she hated as she had to go into a home. She went into a decline after about six months there and was in a coma for about a week before she died. It was sad but she'd had enough.

My husband had motor neurone disease. About two weeks before he died he said that he'd had enough. It was tragic. I loved him more than anyone in the world but I had to let him go. They did everything to help manage his symptoms in the hospice but in the end it was too much for him. Sometimes we have to say goodbye to loved ones but we'll never forget them. He was only 56.

The reading 'for everything there is a season' was read out at his funeral and that has made me cry. Life can be so incredibly sad sometimes but those of us who have our health and strength and are lucky enough to see another day must embrace it. Sometimes it's time to let go. for you jules and others who are bereaved.

Hello. Just read your post and wanted to say how sorry I am you're having to go through this. I haven't experienced this situation, but when my Mum died in June two years ago, my Aunt, her sister of course, died in the August. They were very, very, close particuarly towards the end of their lives. At my Mum's funeral, when the coffin went, my aunt said 'she's gone then', her grief was heartbreaking. The family strongly believe she decided she didn't want to go on without Mum, particuarly as she had lost her son to bowl cancer and few years earlier. The loss of my Mum has been really, really, hard and even now, after two years I have bad days. The gap she has left behind can never be filled, I just hope that one day it won't seem quite so big. Keep strong if you can.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, but it sounds to me like your mum has decided that while she is still of sound mind she would like to choose when she passes.
That seems to be when she is still fairly able and not a burden to anyone - and should she have a stroke or other debilitating illness it would mean that she may well become one.
I think perhaps the bout of nausea has scared her and made her think about the future.
You have two choices - accept her decision and spend some quality time with her, perhaps finding out her wishes for her funeral.
Or don’t accept it and spend her last weeks and days upset and questioning her choices.
It takes a brave person to do what your mum is doing, but it’s not unusual.

Oh your sad post has really made me think that we should all count our blessings lovebeigecardigans and treat each day as a gift. I am guilty of being a bit of a moaning Minnie at the moment when really I have so much to be grateful for.

Don't berate yourself gilly, it's human nature.

my dad died at 93 2015, my mum 89 fell into 'something'
almost a paralysis mentally, she could not be reached,she died 4 months later. the doctors said it was failure of this and that, but I believe she died of a broken heart.

I know it's human nature Lessismore but reading posts such as the one by lovebeigecardigans makes me feel like such a bad person. Instead of moaning about my life I should be bloomin' well grateful I still have one.

Going back to my mum who decided enough was enough at 73. My sister and I always knew that it would have to be mum that went before dad. My mum simply couldn't have functioned without him. My father on the other hand continues to make a good life for himself, going out, meeting friends and family, pottering in the garden, shopping and his football.

No matter how old our parents are, or how I'll, we find their deaths hard. I watched my step mother die 4 months ago and it's had a profound affect on me. While she was in hospital awaiting a diagnosis she complained bitterly,she wanted to die. Her diagnosis of pancreatic cancer scared her and she alternated between fighting for life and wishing for death.

I cannot begin to understand what that must be like and I can't at 62, imagine wanting to die, but if your mum has reached that stage you need to respect it and try to accept it. Talking to friends, family, professional counsellors now and after her death will help. Try and make the best of the time you have left with her and remember afterwards that you did your best and it was what she wanted.

My healthy Grandma commited suicide aged 90 years of age ,she feared the indignities of having to be nursed at a later age ,she would have had no need to go in a nursing home as her daughter lived with her.

I wonder what country the OP is in? Wonder if the NHS is actually involved.

Jools, very sad for you and I'm sorry you are watching your mother intentionally slip away. Is there someone you could talk to for support - visit your GP, might be able to help with bereavement counselling? You are angry with your mum and I can understand this, you feel she still has so much to live for. You don't want this anger to fester. I don't know if anything I can say will help, but my dear dad of 94 died in February of a very painful, cruel death. It was so distressing to witness. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Sending you a hug xx

Has she been checked for depression?

Its living grief for you! Your facing the death of your last parent and that scares you. There are 5 stages of grief and can happen in any order.

They are sadness, anger, denial, bargaining and acceptance. No time span for all this. Your in anger and bargaining/denial atm.

The little girl in you doesnt want to be left orphaned. How do I know this? Been there with my mom too.

You can grieve for your mom is what I said. Just not or her age. My mom also said the same. I gulped in fear.

You dont live your moms life. You dont know truly how it is for her. Please make your peace over this and give her your blessing. You will regret it if you don't. It doesnt matter if you dont mean the words. Your mom needs to hear it. Guess how I know? You have got it. I had to do the same. My mom was 85 BTW.

Your mom was giving you a pre warning. They say a person knows about 3 months before they are going. It's in their inner life which is preparing the person. She is preparing you

PS: CRUSE bereavement services are very good once your mom has passed if you need additional support. Google will take you to their website

We all have the right to make our own choices based on what we think is right for us.

No one else can really understand where we are - even though they may try to.

We all have the right to decide to die when we want although this may be frowned upon or misunderstood by others.

It's ok to reach a point when life isn't enough any more and that doesn't necessarily mean you are depressed either. The two are not always connected.

Of course decisions that our loved ones {and maybe not so loved too} make that don't fit right with our beliefs are difficult to handle. All we can do is to work on our acceptance of the situation as that's the only part we are in control of.

Perhaps you may find a way to continue to give your Mum support despite not agreeing with her choices. That's what real love is.