Grieving a child

Eighteen years ago today, the police arrived to tell me that my youngest (25 yr) old son had been found dead that morning. He had so much to love for, a lovely life, a great career, had only talked to me by phone a couple of days earlier saying he was looking at purchasing a property.
I also have five other children who have all been wonderful, even whilst dealing with their own grief. Now have eight g.children - the one born a year after his death named for him. All the g.children know about him and all our homes have his photographs.
There is no time limit on grieving. On the second anniversary of his death I wrote a very bitter piece saying that everyone told me that time heals, and it had not.
Two years is probably the very minimum time for grieving for a child. Perhaps after that time, it does get a little easier - they seem to slip further and further away from you as your life continues and theirs is frozen in time,
I found that talking about him to everyone, constantly, all of the time, helped in those first few months. Did not care that I was a bore. Did not want counselling, as I only wanted to talk to people who had actually known him.
Even now, today, all these years later, the tears came for what should have been.
I can remember babbling to that police officer that he could not be dead as I did not have any funeral plans for any of my children!!!
Time.....lots of lots of time, does heal, and there can be many times when nearly a whole day can go by without me thinking about him. But it never goes away.

@Franbern so sorry ?

for all the grieving parents........how on earth do you cope ? They say God only gives out 'burdens' to those who have been blessed with broad shoulders. I do hope my shoulders are narrow.

Nothing to do with any god or gods She is not very pro-active these days is she?
Nobody can know how they will be able to deal with a major tragedy in their lives until it happens.
I do remember that dreadful sleepless night after that police officer came round having a phone-in radio programme on. There was discussion going on around elective euthanasia as one of the Scandinavian countries had just changed their laws on that.....but the discussion went along the lines of suicides (this was not what had been the result of the death of my son). However, one dreadful conversation has stayed with me all these years.
Poor man telephoned to say that his 16 year old son had killed himself after his father had reprimanded him for not studying enough for exams. This had been five years previously,but this tragic caller was still so racked with guilt that he had not been able to work since, and was obviously himself not far from suicide.
I can remember sobbing into my pillow, for myself, for my son, for this poor man - but determining that no way was my life and that of my other children's lives going to be blighted. We owed it to ourselves and to my lovely son to live good, useful lives And we have done so.
Loving family is the best at such dreadful times, good friends are also wonderful. Each person has to find their own way.

I’m in tears reading about all this pain and loss. I can’t make any of it go away. Just feel for you all so much

Franbern

It is indeed the hardest grief to bear.

We "cope" by metaphorically putting one foot in front of the other, every day. Sometimes things can unexpectedly bring us up short, and we catch our breath.

Other times things can make us smile, as we remember the things about the lost ones that made us smile then, and still do.

The death of Bill Withers was one of those moments!

Many years ago, there was a joke along the lines of "How do you turn a duck into a soul singer?"

The answer was "Put it in a microwave until it's bill withers"

DS2 loved jokes, and when quite young would try to tell that one, but rather messed it up by giving the answer as "Put it in the microwave until it's beak withers"!

Found your post as I too seem to be struggling having lost my daughter to cancer last April. The first anniversary is looming and with this horrible lockdown feel there is absolutely no way to acknowledge her death, not even visiting her husband or my two sons other than being even more depressed at the loss. Grief just does not seem to go away it surges back unexpectedly. So true I feel, a parent should not be here for the death of their child. I know I and others with similar feelings will survive but it is so so hard.

My darling daughter died just over two years ago. This morning I looked at a local site, as I do every morning to see
what’s happening in our town.

This morning someone posted a photograph of a school photograph, 1973, there was my darling daughter, 3 years old
and my arms ached to again hold her. I wanted to reach out
and touch her, I wanted it to be 1973 again.

Grandmax5, I'm sorry for your loss. I lost an adult daughter just over 4 years ago. I found it got harder for a while, though after about 3.5 years, it eased a bit. Around the 2-3 year mark was one of the toughest times. The experience has changed me profoundly, I know I will carry it every day I live. Some days are easier than others. My other children, some who are still teens, give me a reason to keep going. It's been difficult for them too, and that makes it all the harder as seeing their struggle hurts on top of the pain of loss. I just wanted to post to let you know that yet someone else out here read your post and understands. I'm sorry you belong to this club none of us want to belong to.

OceanMama and all the other grans, this club you belong to which no one wants to join is everyones worst nightmare. I have no words, but wish you all peace, love, hope and fortitude.

We lost our daughter to Breast cancer, aged 36, five years ago. I have been on anti-depresant medication ever since, and will probably continue to do so for the rest of my life. My heart goes out to anyone who has gone through this with a child of their own, I live in hope that one day we may meet again in heaven.
Kay really did believe in her faith, and it gave her great comfort on the darkest days of her illness, I also take comfort in the white feathers as well, so many times have I have found one on a really difficult day.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost children, I have been in tears reading your pain. My husband died 15 years ago and I just live with the loss, it's rare for a couple of hours go by without the longing for him, I never mention this to anyone and they probably think I'm fine as I'm the one that lightens the mood and enjoys life. To lose a child is unbearably sad and how you all cope I don't know, how I wish no one had to suffer your loss.??xx

My cousin died in an accident 43 years ago tomorrow aged 18. All the family were devastated, his mother, my aunt, never recovered. She started to drink more as a result, my mother (her sister) was very judgmental. As far as I'm concerned, it's whatever gets you through the night. God Bless, Adrian. x

Julia (flowers)

Where have all the flowers gone...[ flowers]

Julia I have to give up but the plan was to give you flowers and to send a hug.

My heart breaks for you. I send you love and all my prayers. x x x

My son died aged 30 also from an undiagnosed heart condition. That was in 2007, the pain never leaves but it changes. I cant really recall the first year the grief was so deep and I only got through it with the help of family my friends and also his friends who where and still are amazing. I have fewer really bad days now but I can honestly say that not a day passes that I don't think of him and mourn him. He was an avid traveller and noe every time we go away I write a journal to describe where we have been for him. I also bring back a stone or pebble to add to the collection from family and friends in the garden I made for him.

I wish I had a garden so I could make a little memory patch.

I would put my daughter's ashes there, because she loved being outside.

DD's grave is in a woodland cemetery that has soil completely different from ours. Very chalky - quite large lumps of it.

I brought home a small bag of soil from the top of her grave (including some chalky lumps) and mixed it with some of our fenland soil. This spring I sowed wild flower seed - a mixture of seeds I'd collected from around her grave with our own wildflower seeds.

My aim is to create a small wildflower patch which is a part her and part us.

We shall see.

Silly, probably, but I feel quite tearful today. (thanks, Cummings!)

It will be beautiful, I'm sure, merlot.
A lovely little patch of life taking shape,

MissA xx?

Silverlining48 'where have all the flowers gone'. Oh my goodness. Remember the song? Not intended I know. Our precious children were indeed flowers. It will be 2 years in 3 months time since I lost my dear, funny, loving daughter. I miss her so much. She is never out of my thoughts. I just want to hold her.
I find it quite shocking that there are so many of us, and I guess we each must have our own way of living with it.
I will try to send sunshine for the love we have for our children.
Love and virtual hugs to you all.
Xxx

I’m so sorry for your loss. It is the worst grief as you lose a piece of yourself. My son died as a child not an adult so it is a little different but I still think of him every day and wonder who he would have become. I still cry about him when triggered . He died 36 years ago this year. You never forget you somehow find a way to live with it . Remember you will always be their mother and they will always be your child