My DD in Australia has miscarried

I had a daughter in 1977 and then two miscarriages in ‘78 and’79.... unusual state of affairs I’m told , as miscarriages are usually the first children . If I had have had my little girl I think I would have gone screaming into the street. My husband was useless! Then much to everyone chagrin I got pregnant again and had my son in 1980.... it’s his birthday tomorrow and he’ll be on his own, working from home ...no sibling, no parents and no friends . But the mere fact of his existence in the world makes up for all the pain of those years. Your daughter will recover with the help of her hood man, and she will have her baby...just not in this horrible year.

I had miscarriages in the days when it was never talked about. She will have to choose her own way of coping but will get lots of help from the forum. She will get through it. I think you should be led by her about what you can do other than simply listen and only give an opinion on anything she asks you for.

Sorry , busy so not read the other posts.

I’m so sorry, glennie59, it’s doubly hard when you’re so far away and feel so helpless. I do know how awful you must feel for her, since my dd had 2 misses before her first successful pregnancy. She was so distraught each time, by the time she was pregnant for the 3rd time I would dread the phone ringing, in case it had happened again.

But she had no. 2 baby just 15 months after no.1, and recently had no.3, no misses or other problems after those first two.
A number of her friends have been the same - one had 3 misses before her first baby.
Not that any of that is much comfort just now, I know.
All best wishes.

My daughter suffered miscarriages before she had her lovely children. It’s a very difficult time for everyone. All I can recommend is that you continue to message her and listen to what she says. Be there for her, it’s all you can do. So sorry.

Lots of sympathy to you and your DD. This happened to my own DD a few years ago and she went through a vey bad time. Like your DD it was her first pregnancy. She has never forgiven her MIL for telling her it was for the best as there might have been something wrong with the baby - your daughter will in time hopefully get over this trauma This happened to my own DD and she never forgave her MIL for saying it was for the best as there might have been something wrong with the baby - not very tactful. Your DD will hopefully get over this and go on to have a family. Best to give her time. Tell you understand that it is early days and you are there for her if needed. If you think it would help send a small bunch of flowers with a note to say your thoughts are with her and her husband at this time of loss. I had a miscarriage some years ago - not my first pregnancy and that was not nice - but losing your first much wanted baby would be dreadful. sympathy to you all.

"There is little anyone outside your daughter and her OH can do apart from be supportive , even from a distance"

Very wise words.
She knows you are there of you if you need her.
Everybody grieves miscarriages differently.

I just had my 3rd miscarriage and it takes me a month to find my new normal. It is a cliche, but time helps. Working also helps get my mind off of it. After a month, I am still sad but I manage to cope better. I never forget how old those kids would be and how missed they are.

If I were your dd, and everybody is different, it would make it harder for me to deal with my miscarriage knowing the impact it had on others.

Bottom line: let her deal with it her own way. She will be ok. Give advice only if she asks.
You need to deal with your own grief. If you feel therapy can help you, go ahead.

This is very sad. Should she physically be working at this time? On the Covid briefing the other day they mentioned about a direct support line for NHS staff to support their mental and physical health at this time. Might be an option if she is receptive to the idea.

My daughter miscarried her first baby at 12 weeks and DH and I paid for her to name a star after her unborn baby. She received a certificate and then she made a box of memories including all her pregnancy documents etc to keep for the future. Might this be helpful for your daughter later on?

Talking to people of her own generation who have been through the same experience sometimes helps - are there any support groups available to her as/when she is ready?

I agree with you that counselling might be a away forward - I and mine have found this invaluable during hard times.

It's harder when a miscarriage happens before you have had the experience of bringing a live, healthy baby to term. But this happens to one in four pregnancies. She has no reason to believe - unless she has been told otherwise by her doctor - that she will not be luckier next time.

Welcome *Glennie59 ,I'm sorry it's under sad circumstances. You are doing the right thing ,being there for her when she wants to talk .

So sorry to read this. My DD lived in Australia for 8 years its so hard when something like this happens.
Lots of good advise already given. But just a thought, what about you getting in touch with an organisation over here you could google it see what comes up, and get some advise how to support her from afar.

It does sound like she has bottled it up to deal with another day. Although she has the forum, husband and friends.
She sounds selfless with her loyalty to her job especially at the moment. Although it may seem better to take a break, sadly it's not like you can get away for a few days and she sounds like she doesnt want to be home grieving.

If she doesn't want to FaceTime at the moment respect that, it could be very emotional for her. Please allow her just to be at what stage of grieving she needs to be at whatever time.You may get more texts like that. Send her lots of love it might not be the same virtual but you can still wrap her in love. You daughter sounds an absolutely beautiful person. Love to you bothxx

One of my DDs had several miscarriages before her two lovely boys arrived. They were complicated ones - missed abortion, burst ovarian cyst etc. She went through the mill a bit. But she found her own ways of dealing with it, and I felt it best to leave her to it, making sure she knew I was there. It sounds as though your DD has rallied the support she needs, and I am absolutely sure she knows you heart is with her, and that this is helping, even though she does not want to talk about it.

How very hard it is when we want to wave a magic wand and make our children better.

I had a stillbirth followed by a miscarriage before my son was finally born.
It depends on how far advanced the pregnancy was and how she grieves tbh.
There is little anyone outside your daughter and her OH can do apart from be supportive , even from a distance. I would guess that the forum will help - discussing your feelings with others that have had the same experience can usually help but in some strange way, your daughter may be feeling guilty that she has been able to return to a relatively normal life straight away with what seems to be little consequence.
It will take time , and I am afraid that may be the only thing that you can give her.

sazzi I can relate to that doctors inconsiderate words when I was taken in for a Dand C after a miscarriage the doctor called it an abortion afterwards I realised that was his perhaps generic term for losing a baby But I remembered clearly I was desperately saying crying ‘I haven’t aborted my baby’ and thinking he thought I d done it on purpose

glennie59 I am so sorry for your loss and that your daughter is so far away. You sound like a lovely caring Mum which is what every girl needs. I dont have any advice I'm afraid other that letting her know how much you love her, keep in touch by as many means as you can. She will recover but needs time.

glenniefor you and your daughter.

I had a miscarriage after my first child was born. We planned to have 2 children 2 years apart so it was a planned pregnancy. I ended up in hospital and had a D&C but the doctor accused me of taking something to end the pregnancy as they only found the placenta and not the foetus. Years later I realised it was a miss miscarriage where the baby doesn't grow and just the placenta develops. But it made me very unhappy for years after wondering if it was my fault.
Tell your daughter there will be other pregnancies. Sometimes it can be because of disease, or abnormalities that the pregnancy doesn't progress. We had 2 healthy children afterwards

Our DC was 12,000 miles away when she miscarried the first time and it broke my heart to be so far away. She then had 2 normal pregnancies but miscarried again. That time I was there. She still found great comfort in talking to people on social media and in forums. Give her time, she’ll come through.

Just make sure she knows you are there to listen and be ready for anything from despair to anger. I had 4 miscarriages before I got my gorgeous daughter who now has 2 babies. My mother never understood because she had 5 children and no problems . She was a loving mum But just didn’t understand so just wanted me to stop trying as she was concerned about loosing me . As another said my best support came from my sister who had been through it .
Worst thing to say — you can have another because you need to grieve for this baby .
When I went through this almost 40 years ago I found counselling helpful but now there is so much help with support groups etc which I wish I had had access to. The other help I got was a lovely minister I knew who helped me to name the babies - this gave me some peace although I am not a religious person.
I hope your daughter and husband heal together and have a great future .

It must be awful to be so far away when the first thing we want to do is run to them. So sorry for you both x

A miscarriage can be a huge shock. It was to me and left me feeling very down. Although my mother was very sympathetic I found the most helpful support was a letter from my sister in law who had suffered similarly and understood exactly how I felt. The forum may well be the best for her. Also don’t forget your sil who is also probably very upset. Hopefully together they will find their way through this difficult time.

Miscarriage must be one of the hardest things to overcome. I know how you feel glennie it happened twice to one of our daughters. But we were nearby.
Even so as others have said she and her husband need to work through their grief together. As long as she knows you will be there to support them both if you're needed.

glennie59 welcome to Gransnet.
I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's loss, and of course, its a loss for you too. It feels hard as a parent not to hold them in your arms and make everything alright for them doesn't it? But in this situation, you can't make it alright. They will work through their grief together and come out the other side. And they will never forget the little one that might have been.
All you can do is love them from afar.

That is sad for all of you glennie59 more difficult knowing you can't be there to help. It does sound as if your daughter has support and people to talk to. You can help by letting her talk when she wants to. Take things at her pace as others have said,