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Bereavement

Emotionally wrecked

(97 Posts)
Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 15:49:25

I have just spent a couple of days going through all my late OH's clothes, as I am hoping to move house soon and it just needs to be done - I can't keep stuff to cart from one house to another. I cannot tell you how wrecked I feel by it; but I have had to be strong and determined. Such memories - and the smell of him is there.

I have left quite a few garments as the girls are coming at the weekend and there are things they might wish to keep. I know the sort of things they might want, so I have kept them by.

There are wonderful suits and a whole dress suit ensemble with dress shirt, jacket, trousers, bow tie and waistcoat. Luckily I have found a charity shop which is open and receiving goods. I will ask the girls to ship them over for me. My OH was very thin indeed and there is no-one in the family who could wear any of this stuff.

I have kept one or two things of sentimental value to me.

I am sure others have been through this process and will understand what it has done to me today.

Lucca Thu 23-Jul-20 15:51:02

That must be very hard but well done for achieving it.

Smileless2012 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:52:52

Luckygirl a very difficult job which had to be done at some point.

The only time I had to that was with my mum when my gran died. I cannot begin to imagine how painful this has been for you.

flowers.

Illte Thu 23-Jul-20 15:56:29

I do understand. In the end I kept his dressing gown and a the red scarf he wore in Winter.
The dressing gown has gone but twenty years later I still have the red scarf and always will.

A hard task and a difficult day for you💐

AGAA4 Thu 23-Jul-20 15:58:47

I sorted my husband's clothes and possessions quite soon after he died as I couldn't bear to see them hanging there.

It was a very emotional job and I felt guilty for giving his things to charity but I know he would have wanted me to do that. I understand how draining the job is.

tanith Thu 23-Jul-20 16:01:20

flowers not an easy task, I found it very difficult to donate his favourite blue suit, I did keep his dressing gown it was fairly new and I wear it in the Winter.
Well done Luckygirl

kittylester Thu 23-Jul-20 17:12:06

Well done Lucky that would have been very hard.

I posted on another thread that we are clearing the roof (or trying to!) and had to go through all DS1's stuff stored before and just after he suffered a stroke. He wont look at it but we felt we had to just to check there was nothing vital there. We were both emotional wrecks after and we still have him. You must feel truly exhausted.

Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 17:13:02

I am having to get on with it as I am moving house - if all goes through. I cannot take it all with me.

I have kept a couple of silk shirts, a jumper and a rather strange Star Trek medical corps green surgical top - OH was a doctor and a Star Trek fan. I bought it for him as a joke. He wore it to a doctors' summer evening meal - when he got there, everyone else was in dinner suits!! So some happy memories stirred too.

kittylester Thu 23-Jul-20 17:30:55

Glad you found some smiles too, Lucky.

Scribbles Thu 23-Jul-20 18:06:01

Oh, Lucky girl, there must be something in the air this week. On Monday, it was exactly six months since OH's death and I had a pretty bad day but, on Tuesday, I woke with the conviction that it was time to sort out his clothes.

Yes, it was an emotional roller-coaster ride. So many favourite shirts to bring back memories; a couple of beautiful sweaters which I would keep and wear myself, except that OH was a very large man and they look like tents on me. His warm winter coats and the waterproofs he wore when we went to bus rallies in the rain; some brand new boots and his battered old sandals. ... I laughed and I cried and by afternoon I had four large boxes packed up for the Nomads Trust plus a bag of stuff that's too worn to be given away. That will go to one of those textile collections.

The only things I've kept are his lovely, soft leather gloves, a very old blue shirt made of soft, beautiful cotton that I can almost see him in even now plus a handful of the cotton handkerchiefs that he was so particular about.

I went through a wobble as the wardrobe emptied out, feeling as though I was clearing him away but then I looked at his photograph, smiling back at me and know he understands. He will always have a presence here, in the house and in my heart so the clothes can go where they're useful.

Well done, Lucky. It must be much more difficult to do with the pressure of the looming house move. Good luck with the move, too; I hope all goes as smoothly as possible and the new house is everything you want it to be.

Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 19:44:33

Scribbles - it will be 6 months for me too on 1st August. It is a job that has to be done. Such an emotional roller-coaster though. I was upset while I was doing it - but felt a sense of satisfaction when it was completed - and then felt guilty for that. Such a complex emotional ride.

midgey Thu 23-Jul-20 19:49:35

I don’t know if it would help but there are people who make teddy bears from clothes. I have put my husband’s clothes into black bags but I can’t bear to think of them leaving the house.

phoenix Thu 23-Jul-20 19:56:32

Oh Luckygirl glad to hear of the smiles, DH is a Star Trek fan and I keep threatening to buy him some Star Trek pyjamas, as in the body suits that were worn in the series, I believe the colour denoted rank? (not that he wears pyjamas).

But can only imagine the sadness, sending you every good wish flowers

Bridie22 Thu 23-Jul-20 20:41:06

That must have been a difficult task for you, I've still got a lot of my husbands stuff I can't part with 10 years on!

GrannyLaine Thu 23-Jul-20 20:53:15

Such a difficult thing to do Luckygirl wrapped up with so many memories. I kept the very last nightie my Mum ever wore and keep it in my wardrobe to hold and smell when I'm really missing her. I found her shoes hard to deal with: she had small feet and ..... can't explain it really, just very poignant. You obviously loved him very much flowers

biba70 Thu 23-Jul-20 20:55:40

Just can't imagine how hard this must be ...poor you. And yet, perhaps it is part of the natural process on your way to great memories and acceptance. x

Cabbie21 Thu 23-Jul-20 21:00:14

I can understand my mum’s request, when Dad died, that I take his clothes to the charity shop straight away. She didn’t want to see them any more and wanted it done before she changed her mind.
She did suggest I check the pockets. As well as handkerchiefs and the odd pound coin, I found a wrapped boiled sweet in each coat pocket. I remembered that she always made sure he took one with him in case he got delayed somewhere. So typical.

MawB Thu 23-Jul-20 21:06:28

I did things in fits and starts as and when I felt able. Shortly after Paw died, there was an appeal for warm coats for the homeless in Birmingham so I gave some anoraks/raincoats /warm jackets for SIL to drop off. D took his warm North Face fleece jacket and detachable lining to a homeless chap camping out in the porch of their church and she said she felt better seeing somebody benefiting directly.
I also took a couple of dozen (!) shirts and some suits to our local Emmaus village where they house and provide training in a trade for homeless men as I hoped that the clothes might be suitable for job interviews etc
2 1/2 years on there are still things in the wardrobe , they will go eventually but when I am ready. Socks, underwear etc went to those doorstep charity bag collections where all that counts is the weight of the donation and his lovely fleecy warm pj’s went to the Salvation Army for men in one of their hostels.
It’s a hard, hard thing to do and you are in my thoughts Luckygirl as you tackle this task.
I hope that it means you have found your buyer and that your house move is now a very real prospect!

Justwidowed Thu 23-Jul-20 21:12:48

Mine died nearly 9 months ago.He had so many clothes mainly due to cruising holidays plus he could never resist a bargain. In February this year my sister in law came and stayed overnight. Betwen us we filled 13 large bags full of clothes and shoes which went to a homeless charity .I saved a few things including his dress suit and his favourite T shirt.
I must admit it was something I couldn't have done on my own.
I am struggling to move on as an inquest is now needed and will probably be delayed until next year.

BlueBelle Thu 23-Jul-20 21:17:18

I ve got my dads cardi and trilby in my wardrobe I haven’t anything of my mums not because I love her any less but she would be in a different thing everyday. She love all her clothes whereas aDad just had this one cardi he loved When it started to get past it’s best I hunted and hunted to get a similar one managed to find the self same one he was really pleased but after about a week it went in the cupboard and the old one came out 😀

granny'sbuttons Thu 23-Jul-20 21:21:07

I have kept his shaving brush which lives in the bathroom where it always was. I also used some bits of his shirts, and boxer shorts, for patchwork which makes my youngest granddaughter laugh.

Whingingmom Thu 23-Jul-20 21:28:28

I have nothing constructive to add, except my heart goes out to you. You obviously loved him very much x

Mancjules Thu 23-Jul-20 21:34:19

Thoughts are with you at such a difficult time. My lovely DH left us in March and I still have a wardrobe full of his very stylish designer clothes and shoes to deal with...some new as well. Can't bear to take them to a charity shop so not sure when I'll be able to sort them out. My heart will tell me when it's time I suppose.

Alexa Thu 23-Jul-20 22:28:29

I asked my helpful son to get rid of all my partner's clothes so that I'd never see them again .. except his academic gown that I guessed Oxfam would like.

lemongrove Thu 23-Jul-20 23:05:02

Such a sad situation to deal with....clothes do conjure up the person and are a last reminder of their existence.I think it’s a really good idea to keep one or two things, a favourite jumper or dressing gown but to give away the rest where they will do good, somebody can always use them.
When you are bereaved, you can do this clear up whenever it suits you best, quickly, or a year or two later ( unless moving house) but it’s bound to be a very emotional business.
So sorry for any GN member who have to do this/have done it recently flowers