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Emotionally wrecked

(98 Posts)
Luckygirl Thu 23-Jul-20 15:49:25

I have just spent a couple of days going through all my late OH's clothes, as I am hoping to move house soon and it just needs to be done - I can't keep stuff to cart from one house to another. I cannot tell you how wrecked I feel by it; but I have had to be strong and determined. Such memories - and the smell of him is there.

I have left quite a few garments as the girls are coming at the weekend and there are things they might wish to keep. I know the sort of things they might want, so I have kept them by.

There are wonderful suits and a whole dress suit ensemble with dress shirt, jacket, trousers, bow tie and waistcoat. Luckily I have found a charity shop which is open and receiving goods. I will ask the girls to ship them over for me. My OH was very thin indeed and there is no-one in the family who could wear any of this stuff.

I have kept one or two things of sentimental value to me.

I am sure others have been through this process and will understand what it has done to me today.

Joesoap Sat 25-Jul-20 15:22:38

My heart goes out to you Luckygirl, I did the same thing when my Husband died fifteen years ago,I kept one shirt which I thought he looked nice in, couldnt bear to throw it away.When I die my children will wonder what on earth it is there for,I wont be around to tell.

crimpedhalo Sat 25-Jul-20 15:34:52

I haven't read through all the comments but I have heard of people who make lovely cushions out of some garments belonging to a loved's good to take photos before discarding some belongings too. ?

jaylucy Sat 25-Jul-20 15:42:11

There are companies that will make items such as teddy bears or just cushion covers from items of clothing that have sentimental value.
But well done for doing one of the most difficult jobs ever. I hope that you also resurrected some lovely memories in the process.

cupcake1 Sat 25-Jul-20 16:28:44

lucky flowers for you and everyone else suffering the loss of a loved one flowers

PJN1952 Sat 25-Jul-20 16:31:29

I understand completely how you feel as my husband died when I was 53 in 2006. After a year of keeping some precious clothes and personal items I took his big velour dressing gown to a dressmaker who made 3 cushion covers for me and the children. The pockets are used as iPhone/Kindle holders!
It is so wonderful for us to remember him by these cushions and my adult daughter says she lays her head on it when she is unwell. I placed his very personal items in his small suitcase and there they remain. Someone can sort them out when I am gone!

Sparkling Sat 25-Jul-20 16:39:01

Oh Lucky, I feel for you as it isn’t easy. I did it in stages, genuinely when it was behind me I knew I had done the right thing. ?

Thecatshatontgemat Sat 25-Jul-20 17:26:54

I know you are moving but, just a small thought : if there are any distinctive garments, it might be an idea to take them to a charity shop quite a way away from where you live, as the last thing you need is seeing someone walking around in your beloved hubby's clothes.....

It's a horrible job. I feel your pain.

inishowen Sat 25-Jul-20 17:27:44

My mum donated dads clothes very soon after he died. She wanted it done quickly. She kept his watch which she wore from then on. She said he felt close to him when she wore it.

Chrisks Sat 25-Jul-20 17:40:47

Oh, poor you. Probably one of the hardest things you have to do, so well done for getting it done.
My late husband died from cancer, so I was pretty quick in clearing all his clothes and just felt that the cancer charity shop was the right place to take them to.
Good luck with your move and take care of yourself x

Grumpygran12 Sat 25-Jul-20 19:38:48

think free
how very hard that must have been for you . sending sympathy

carnation Sat 25-Jul-20 20:54:38

I have just done the very same and it was heartbreaking, I felt I was throwing him out. Like you I have kept a few things back. My H was away in hosp. for seven weeks before he died with no visits because of the virus, did he think we had all abandoned him? I felt relief at first that he was out of his suffering. Now I feel empty and and cast adrift with no purpose in my life.

Luckygirl Sat 25-Jul-20 21:57:42

So many kind supportive posts - can I return the kind thoughts for all those of you who have gone through - or are going through - this difficult task.

carnation - I think the sense of being "adrift with no purpose" is hugely exacerbated by the social-distancing and absence of normal interactions. I do understand that feeling of huge relief that someone has s=ceased to suffer, but then a bit of a back lash as time goes by - I keep asking myself whether he might have improved if strenuous efforts had been made to to keep him going, rather than the decision we all took to leave him in peace. Even as I took the decision, I knew it would come back to bite me.

Hard times - flowers and fellow feeling to all in the same boat.

Chrissy48 Sat 25-Jul-20 23:11:49

My dear Husband passed away eight years ago now, but I recently found one of his favorite shirts and made a face mask out of it.

Chrissy48 Sat 25-Jul-20 23:16:21

I recently found my Husbands favourite shirt and made a face mask out of it, keeps him near to me even though he has been gone for eight years now.

Tamayra Sun 26-Jul-20 00:21:23

Me too
It’s such a hard job to do
I kept the buttons off his blazer & one favourite warm winter shirt & a cream scarf Perhaps a theatrical company would use the dress suit I gave some beautiful designer evening gowns I had to one & they added them to their wardrobe
The love you shared never dies He’s always in your heart But boy we do miss their physical presence in our lives x

nexus63 Sun 26-Jul-20 00:44:22

i lost my husband 18 years ago when i was 39, i cleared everything out two days after he died, i knew it needed to be done and i cried my eyes out, i have always been very practical and knew if i left it till later it would be worse, i was lucky i worked for a charity and they sent someone to collect and the clothes were sent down to england so i did not see anyone wearing them. i kept his dressing gown and slept with that for a few nights, i hope everything goes well for your move x

Keffie12 Sun 26-Jul-20 10:52:22

Lucky girl well done. I too lost my husband 2 and a half years ago. It was horrible cleaning out his belongings.

I have kept some special pieces. His favourite lightweight knitted jacket which stays on the bed with me, his Welsh shirts and a pair of shorts.

Re the shorts there is an amusing story behind which is why I kept them.

I also have a memory bear which is on my bed. It is made of David's favourite Welsh Jersey and an old pair of jeans. Its a big comfort.

I'm not a hoarder so I think David would be surprised at some of his stuff I've held onto

Where there is love there will always be grief. Thank you for sharing with us

Keffie12 Sun 26-Jul-20 11:10:50

Just some additional thoughts to add to my post above which may be of help to some of you.

I don't see my husband has gone. Yes in the physical sense. Spiritually he is always with me.

His love and all he was and is is still with us. That hasn't gone from our lives. His love lives on with us. I have a photo area of him in our home.

I wear his wedding ring under mine. I have done since the night he passed and it will stay on my 3rd finger left hand under mine until its my time to join him.

I still talk with him in the old familiar way. David is still included in our lives.

Fortunately I have a very supportive family and friendships around me. I'm blessed as I am not lonely for company. I am lonely for my husband though physically. People think I'm so strong. I don't have an option in the matter

Death ended my husband life- it did not end our relationship/marriage. I have learnt how to forge a new relationshop with him and entwine eatthly life with the spiritual/unseen life

Luckygirl Sun 26-Jul-20 16:00:18

Thank you for those helpful thought Keffie12 - the difficulty for me is that the man I lost on February 1st bore very little resemblance to my husband. His serious paranoia was mainly directed at me - I was poisoning him, organising lesbian affairs etc. etc. - this had gone on for years. And once it had started, I was always slightly wary of him (even when he seemed mentally OK for a while) and what he might accuse me of next. And he was physically helpless. And unable to provide the normal support that partners share. In fact, it really was not him, although there were occasional flashes of who he used to be. It was a one-way traffic.

Who did I lose on Feb 1st? - was it my husband still, or some other person? All this has complicated the process of grieving. I have a friend whose wife died very suddenly from a brain bleed - he knows exactly whom he is mourning. Sometimes I wish I did.

Going through his CDs and books reminds me what an erudite and cultured man he was - but I have almost forgotten that. I think this is partly why I am finding it so very hard to get everything sorted and tidied for the move. I do need to move on though - this place is heaving with truly awful memories.

carnation Sun 26-Jul-20 21:35:58

Oh Luckygirl that is really hard for you. I hope the memories of who he really was come to the fore in time and stay with you. My H had difficult conditions that affected who he really was and I found it difficult to cope. I have lots of smiling photos about that are a comfort and remind me who he really was.

Florida12 Sun 26-Jul-20 22:44:58

Sending you an enormous hug.
It is indeed very difficult, and I am not being patronising, you have achieved so much by doing this.
I cleared out every item of clothing. I kept things like his wedding tie, his Woolley hat, his daft sombrero, mobile phone, glasses, guitar plectrums, guitars, a Brut deodorant. I have a special cupboard for them all. I too kept a few sweaters for my children to keep as mementoes. It really is an emotional experience, and four years on, the big waves still knock me sideways.x

Summerfly Mon 27-Jul-20 08:04:21

Oh my goodness. Some of the posts on here have reduced me to tears. I can’t imagine my life without my DH. You’re so brave Luckygirl. You too Keffie. Thank goodness for happy memories. Sending love and hugs. Flowers ? xx