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Where to dispose of ashes.

(52 Posts)
Nellsmum Wed 02-Dec-20 14:50:16

When my father died in 2004 Mum kept his ashes and would shout at them if anything went wrong. Then when she moved in with my sister they went with her. Now Mum has died and I have her ashes. There is no family grave and my father wasn't particularly fond of graveyards. No family home or garden. Any ideas on what to do with the ashes? I would like them to be together but I don't think my sister is too fussed.

phoenix Wed 02-Dec-20 14:55:46

Is there a garden of remembrance at the crematorium?

You could arrange to have them interred together there, plant a rose or tree, have a plaque or whatever?

My grandparents ashes were surreptitiously sprinkled by a bench where they used to meet up in their courting days!

Smileless2012 Wed 02-Dec-20 14:56:04

Is there somewhere they liked to go together, a favourite beauty spot for example Nellsmum? You could contact a crematorium in your area and ask them if you could scatter them in their garden of remembrance.

You would then have the option of having a plaque near to where their ashes were scattered where you could leave flowers if you want too.

I've done this for my mum who died a couple of months ago. The garden is beautiful and it gives me somewhere to go when I feel the need.

Septimia Wed 02-Dec-20 15:13:48

What about one of those forest cemetaries or similar?

Granny23 Wed 02-Dec-20 15:28:36

DHs ashes were interred in the last lair of his family's double plot. This was his stated wish. However I have kept a small portion of them, which will be scattered at sea with my ashes when I am gone.

shysal Wed 02-Dec-20 17:28:10

My brother scattered my father's ashes from a cliff top on the south coast which Dad loved. Unfortunately the wind blew them inland onto somebody's picnic. My Dad would have been very amused.

Lolo81 Wed 02-Dec-20 17:38:01

My Papa was scattered in the beer garden of our local British Legion as that was his place! We did it on the Remembrance Sunday after his death and it was lovely. That said there was a bit of a gust and some of the ashes ended up on a path, my mum (his daughter) thought it was hilarious that my Papa ended up going home on the shoes of many of his friends and he would have thought it was brilliant too!
Maybe have a think if there is a specific place your mum and dad had some nice memories of and scatter them there?

Georgesgran Wed 02-Dec-20 17:47:26

My DH wants to be scattered at Linhope in Northumberland. He showed me years ago as a joke, but now he’s ill - I can’t remember the exact spot!!

I’d like my DDs to take a bit of me to New York and leave bits in Central Park and Tiffany.


nanaK54 Wed 02-Dec-20 17:54:22

Fortunately my parents told us where they would like to end up, they are not together, my father went into the sea and my mum is in woodland local to me, we waited until the bluebells were in bloom as they were a favourite for her
My sons know that we do very much want to be together and the aforementioned woodland would be a lovely final resting place for us

Whiff Thu 03-Dec-20 09:09:56

Nellsmum my mom and dad wanted their ashes scattered together. My father died 10 years before my mom. My brother and I picked a favourite spot of theirs. At the river Severn by a hut they used to sit in and have a picnic. We did it at dusk as you are not supposed to spread ashes. We mixed them together and scattered them on the river bank. It's what they wanted.

My husband died 2004 aged 47. I can't throw his ashes away. I know it stupid and it's not him but can't bring myself to do it. I moved house last year and did think of burying them in my new garden but can't do it. I was 45 when widowed.
My daughter said you don't have to do anything you don't want to and said she will scatter us together somewhere pretty. I am not religious don't believe in any god or afterlife. But for me to throw them away it's something beyond me. I can't really explain why I can't . They are in my wardrobe. I don't talk to them as they are a pile of ash it's not him.

But I have talked to him everyday since he died as it gives me comfort. Told my mom to talk to dad and it helped her.

Grieve for a loved one is hard and we all have to find a way to cope. No way is right or wrong but what is right for you. I have shouted at my husband many times but we always argued never about important things just stupid things. But make up sex was brilliant. Hope I haven't shocked anyone.
As I get older and the children age and now got grandsons. It's harder the loss but you learn to cope. He was my one and only. Been a couple since I was 16 he was 18, nearly married 23 years.

Sorry went off topic.

Justwidowed Thu 03-Dec-20 09:31:05

My husband died in October last year and his ashes are in a lovely casket on my sideboard. I touch it twice a day when I open and close the curtains.His order of service is on top of the casket and his smiling face greets me every day.

When I die I am to be cremated and my ashes put in a casket and then both lots of ashes placed in our son /stepsons grave who died when he was 13.My husband and our family are all happy with the arrangement.

bikergran Thu 03-Dec-20 09:31:15

Whiff I could have wrote your post myself. My dh died 6 yrs ago I too still have his ashes (yes in the wardrobe) !

He never said where he wanted to go(I think because he thought he wasn't going anywhere)

But I realise my dds don't have anywhere to visit and take flowers. So I may have a think I'm not sure, but once the ashes are gone their gone, no going back.

I am having a dialema at the moment. My mum died 3 months ago, my dad and brother want her ashes in an ashes grave.

My mum said in a jokey manner many years ago she would like to be scattered on Pendle Hill where she would be freeeeeeeeeeeeee...... that's what she said.

But my brother and my dad got their own way at the funeral and I wasn't happy with it.

So back to the ashes, you do what you feel is right for you, not anyone else, or what ever anyone tells you.

My mum is still in the box they give you, she hated being cooped up, so we will see the outcome of that soon.

Justwidowed Thu 03-Dec-20 09:32:38

Sorry I should have said my husband was and our family is happy with the arrangement.

bikergran Thu 03-Dec-20 09:33:29

In fact today my dad wants to go to the cemetery where he is thinking of sorting mums ashes! to see whats what.I don't want to go, I don't want my mum locked in a box and I don't want to see a headstone with my mums name on. I suppose I am in denial yet.

glammanana Thu 03-Dec-20 10:19:58

Biker You seem to have the same problem that I have at the minute,as you know I lost my lovely man at Christmas time last year and he is resting in his wardrobe along with his favourite walking boots and jacket.He jokingly said once he wanted to be scattered from The Grand Canyon he loved it there but there is no chance of me taking him there I think he will have to do with Horse Shoe Pass in North Wales.
We will think about it more next year so for now he is staying put so I can chat to him every day.
I really understand you being in denial 3 months is such a short time.sending love flowers

Grandma11 Thu 03-Dec-20 10:23:01

Up until recently, we were involved as a family in the Boating scene around the Norfolk and Suffolk Broads, and I became a Moderator helping run an online enthusiasts forum, and arrange local Meet-ups and gatherings. I did this for about 12 years, and got to know a lot of elderly boat owners who early passed away during that time.
Quite a few of them left instructions for their ashes to be scattered off one of the river Bridges, or into one of the Broads, from their Boat. This then resulted in a flotilla of Craft meeting up with their friends and family following them onboard, passing several favourite places where they fished, drank, or simply watched the stunning sunsets across the marshes, often with their favourite music and songs being played onboard. Finally everyone would moor up together, or raft out on a Broad, and the final scattering would take place, with a wake then being held at one of the Local pubs.
Some even took this a step further, and hired a Traditional Norfolk Wherry for their last Cruise, and a few opted for their Ashes to be buried in one of the Local Churchyards.

This is all a far cry from our Local City Councils idea of the scattering of Ashes down at our Crematorium, where they can be clearly seen blowing across the footpaths that link the Car park with the main Crematorium buildings, and the Garden of Rememberance where the funeral flowers are taken to after the service.
The last time we visited it had been Snowing, and the ashes were being used to 'Grit' the footpath to stop people slipping, it upset DH so much that he's refused to attend any funerals there ever again, very disrespectful behaviour by the Council indeed.

MiniMoon Thu 03-Dec-20 12:38:03

My mum wanted her ashes scattered on a hill overlooking her home town. Her parents ashes were both scattered there, as was her brother's.
My sisters and I went, accompanied by the undertaker, (a family friend). We scattered her ashes in a spot overlooking her childhood home, and the school she attended as a child.
A couple of years later we went to the same spot to scatter my Dad's ashes.
It is a fairly secluded place with footpaths through the wooded area. Lovely to visit.

DotMH1901 Thu 03-Dec-20 12:44:26

I took my Mum's ashes up to Scotland which was what she wanted, my husband's ashes were scattered on the White Cliffs of Dover because I thought I would be living there until I died, little did I know that a move back nearer home would happen a few years later. My daughter says she will keep mine and scatter them on icy patches on the path in Winter smile Well, at least I will still be useful I suppose smile

Whiff Thu 03-Dec-20 12:44:45

My dad used to say I was to personally hang out of a plane and scatter his ashes over the Himalayas.
Mind you my mom had a naughty side and used to say she would have part of my dad's anatomy stuffed and mounted in a case on the mantel piece.

My husband didn't care what I did with his ashes. We knew Christmas 2003 would be his last . I asked what he wanted for his funeral. He said do want we wanted. We are not religious so we had a non religious service. The coffin went into to cream to a Franz Ferdinand song. A Damian Rice song for the the closing of the curtains and Mr Blue sky by ELO when we left. No flowers think they are a waste of money at funerals. We raised over £5000 for the cancer ward at our local hospital. Mom and dad wanted flowers so they had them but just one large arrangement that was from the whole family.

Grandmall that was awful of the council. The boat thing sounds respectful.

Whiff Thu 03-Dec-20 12:45:36

Crem not cream.

timetogo2016 Thu 03-Dec-20 12:48:34

We scattered our parents ashes where they loved to go on holiday.
Ironicaly in Saltash in Cornwall.
Half went under a lovely large garden plant and the rest down the river.

bikergran Thu 03-Dec-20 15:10:52

Whiff a few weeks after my mum died, my dad was asking one of my dds to find out how much it was to hire a Helicopter to fly over Pendle Hill and scatter ashes shock think we have by passed that idea for now.

glamm yes it's a difficult decision and that's why I say to people there is no rush, as once it is done it's done, no going back. One day you may find the right place but for now your content where your lovely dh is.

Of my dd keeps hinting she has no where to go so maybe I should start thinking of somewhere. we loved Llandudno so who knows .

Oldbat1 Thu 03-Dec-20 21:12:21

My parents and my father in laws ashes remained at the crem for scattering somewhere on their rose gardens. My nephew has just scattered his grandfathers ashes at a racecourse. We live next to the beach and often see families scattering ashes either on the beach, or out on the rocks or up on the hillside.

diygran Thu 03-Dec-20 22:45:44

Speaking of laying beloved's ashes on paths, I always joke I'll go the same way as in the Canadian noir film with Judy Dench. She loathed her husband and at the end put his ashes in the outdoor toilet so she could pi_s on him from a great height!
I love my other half by the way!

Esspee Thu 03-Dec-20 22:54:06

My late husband’s ashes were scattered in the Caribbean Sea at a spot we loved.
My mum’s amongst the sweet peas at a local public garden.