Luckygirl, as Kitty says, you did suffer and sacrifice an awful lot of yourself - caring for anyone whose personality is affected and changed by illness requires a great deal from the carer. We can be sucked dry by it - anger, resentment and even rage are a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal situations. Yes, we marry in sickness and health, but it would be quite nice to have a chunk of the health to balance it. You stood by him, and gave him the best you could - it is absolutely right to grieve for the loss of who you were too. If you don't set the bench mark of the loss now, how will you know when you have recovered? You can be as angry with him and his illness as you like now, it can't hurt him, he's at peace now - it will take nothing from him, but it will re build you.
One of the tenets of Buddhism ( put very simply) is the belief that all life is suffering and it is the resistance of this 'truth' which makes us unhappy. The premise is that when difficult feelings come to visit we should invite them in and 'ask' them what they have to tell us. Once we've listened they will leave. They might well come back many times, but they will always pass. In between these times there can be contentment and happiness.
Handling feelings involves acknowledging the weight of them before putting them down. That way you know what to expect next time you are forced to carry them for a time. That way we adapt to living with them, rather than through them.
I hope this makes sense and will hold some meaning in managing what must be a very difficult time. All my best. x
