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Struggling today....

(39 Posts)
Luckygirl Fri 19-Feb-21 19:33:38 is a year since my OH's funeral and I have been hopeless all day. The weather was just as awful on the day as it is today.

I am just a weepy heap today. I cannot find the interest or energy to do anything - it has been a wasted day really. If only I could be with my family.

I do not know when this will stop.

morethan2 Sat 20-Feb-21 09:47:03

I just want to send my love. Your right grief is a complexing and painful experience not being helped by not having our nearest and dearest close by. The deep sorrow scratching our very souls is hard to bear. I keep remembering the school half term was the start of our harrowing journey. The ‘first’ of any dates after a loss are, I hope the worst. I hope today is a little easier for you

Kim19 Sat 20-Feb-21 09:50:24

Yes, LG, muster the 'good' things and cling to them as hard as you can. Good luck ??

Whiff Sat 20-Feb-21 10:03:09

Hetty58 my words depressing for a grieving newbie. What I wrote was from experience. And didn't write anything that I haven't experienced. Yes everyone grieves in their own way but if my words help just one person then why should I be criticised for it.

Glad you found happiness again. I have friends who went on to find new loves.

But for me my husband was my one and only. After he died I went to a bereavement group for 2 years. I went as my children thought it would help. It didn't. As everyone else was at least 25+ older than me and the counselor was married.

I have been ill since I was 29. Expected to die first . It was an awful shock that it was my fit healthy husband who was to die first. In agony from cancer.

Luckygirl feeling angry is all part of grieving. And any emotion you feel is not wrong. Took me a long time to realise that. Wish someone had told me that . But only someone who goes through it can understand.

Also I know what else you are coping with at the moment. It's no wonder you felt angry. Just take one day at a time.

Luckygirl Sat 20-Feb-21 10:46:26

Thank you for the helpful posts.

I find it hard when everyone else whose partner has died seems to be remembering perfect relationships, not one, like mine, that was tainted with painful memories.

I know that the problems were induced by his life-long anxiety and the appalling effects his subsequent illness had on his mind as his brain was taken over by it. This went on for years, not just a few months. Finding good memories involves dredging back a very long way - the final year of complete physical incapacity and madness and accusations are etched on my brain. And it is a shrinking brain! I have to find room for some good memories.

NellG Sat 20-Feb-21 10:54:38

Luckygirl Because somewhere in there you are also grieving for you - which is totally, absolutely OK. It's the path to finding yourself again, and rebuilding, and finding some future peace in examining the difficulties of the past.

It's a mixed bag this stupid life.

Hoping today is a better day.

kittylester Sat 20-Feb-21 11:02:19

Good post nell

hulahoop Sat 20-Feb-21 11:08:05

Luckygirl I remember you posting about the illness your oh suffered and his death, grief is felt differently by everyone it's still early days for you ,be kind to yourself .?

Luckygirl Sat 20-Feb-21 12:28:05

Because somewhere in there you are also grieving for you - definitely - a very good observation. And it feels wrong to grieve for me - I am not the one who suffered his horrible illnesses and died. But it is the reality and I have to deal with that and believe it is OK, as you say Nell.

kittylester Sat 20-Feb-21 12:39:39

It is ok Lucky, because you DID suffer from the illnesses and your husband died!

Luckygirl Sat 20-Feb-21 12:47:19

It is an interesting insight and very helpful.

Anniebach Sat 20-Feb-21 14:27:20


I often had and still have times when I feel anger towards my husband, seems daft as he certainly did choose to die.

Accept the feelings of grief be they sorrow or anger or regret , I realised years ago at times my feelings were for me being left to cope x

NellG Sat 20-Feb-21 14:53:52

Luckygirl, as Kitty says, you did suffer and sacrifice an awful lot of yourself - caring for anyone whose personality is affected and changed by illness requires a great deal from the carer. We can be sucked dry by it - anger, resentment and even rage are a perfectly normal reaction to abnormal situations. Yes, we marry in sickness and health, but it would be quite nice to have a chunk of the health to balance it. You stood by him, and gave him the best you could - it is absolutely right to grieve for the loss of who you were too. If you don't set the bench mark of the loss now, how will you know when you have recovered? You can be as angry with him and his illness as you like now, it can't hurt him, he's at peace now - it will take nothing from him, but it will re build you.

One of the tenets of Buddhism ( put very simply) is the belief that all life is suffering and it is the resistance of this 'truth' which makes us unhappy. The premise is that when difficult feelings come to visit we should invite them in and 'ask' them what they have to tell us. Once we've listened they will leave. They might well come back many times, but they will always pass. In between these times there can be contentment and happiness.

Handling feelings involves acknowledging the weight of them before putting them down. That way you know what to expect next time you are forced to carry them for a time. That way we adapt to living with them, rather than through them.

I hope this makes sense and will hold some meaning in managing what must be a very difficult time. All my best. x

Luckygirl Sat 20-Feb-21 15:51:01

Thank you all so much for these helpful thoughts.