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Bereavement

Internment of ashes

(26 Posts)
travelsafar Fri 09-Jul-21 10:55:31

As many of you know my husband died in January a victim of Covid. I have had his ashes at home but now i want to have them interned at the local cemetary. I have been in touch with the local council and been directed to their website for burials but it suddenly came into my head that we may need a vicar, humanist etc, just to say words as the ashes are put into the ground. Has anyone experience of the procedure please. We didnt have a proper funeral as DH had paid for a simple service which under the circumstances worked fine, i was still recovering from covid, not many people would have been allowed to attend and there would have been no gathering afterwards. Having the ashes interned seems to be the opportunity to do something special. Any ideas would be most welcome.

CafeAuLait Fri 09-Jul-21 11:02:43

I am sorry for your loss. I don't think there are many rules about how these things are handled these days. Do what you want. I think you can have a quiet family gathering in the cemetery, with or without a celebrant. Or something bigger, like a service. It's really about what you want to do and what feels right to you.

tanith Fri 09-Jul-21 11:08:00

My husband was cremated and 10 mths later we had his ashes scattered in the memorial garden there was no charge within a year of the cremation and one of the staff brought the ashes and invited anyone to add a few words or lay flowers at the ceremony as he scattered the ashes it was very dignified.
Sorry I just read you want to do it a cemetery which will be different I guess.

Namsnanny Fri 09-Jul-21 11:10:26

It seems like a natural time to celebrate his life, and mourn his passing with friends and relatives travelsafar.
If the arrangements seem daunting, is there someone you can chat about it with?
I hope all goes wellflowers

grannyactivist Fri 09-Jul-21 11:15:34

You don’t need a vicar or humanist celebrant travels. One or more family members can speak, read a poem, or say a prayer - it doesn’t need to be a paid person who does this. However if you do want some additional formality then you can decide if you’d rather have a religious or humanist service. Honestly, the best services of interment I’ve attended are those where the person being interred is well known to the speaker(s). I’ve actually led very many services myself.

Granny23 Fri 09-Jul-21 11:24:23

Internment of ashes in a cemetery requires purchase of a plot or lair and the attendance of Gravediggers to open/close the grave. There is also the question of having a marker for the grave or not? Best to discuss options with a funeral director.

Otherwise I think your idea is good. We had a covid restricted cremation for DH followed a fortnight later with internment of ashes in the last lair of his family's grave. This allowed some friends who were unable to attend the cremation because of the limit on numbers permitted, to pay their respects and we had a small gathering for a meal afterwards. In our case all covered by the funeral plan as this was always the intention.

BlueBelle Fri 09-Jul-21 11:32:47

travelfar I do remember your very sad story and I hope your health and life is in some way managing to improve enough although it will never be the same
Granny’s right you need to buy a plot which in my area area is £360 ( I know as I ve just sold mine back as I have decided to be cremated and scattered in the bluebell woods nearby)
You would also have to pay for the plot to be dug etc but as others have said anyone can say what you wish said
I hope it’s a peaceful day for you 💐

Nonogran Fri 09-Jul-21 12:04:38

I am so sorry for your loss & the trauma you must have gone through. Challenging times for you & your family then & likely ongoing.
I would like my ashes interred at my childhood home church graveyard. “Scattering” is not allowed.
I contacted the local Vicar who took me through what needs to be done. There’s a nominal charge but if I were you, your Vicar is the best place to start asking advice about the process.
IF & I’m not suggesting this, but IF you decide to scatter the ashes somewhere on the QT, make sure you check wind speed & direction.
I know of a Grandma who was standing “down wind” and guess what …..!

MawBe Fri 09-Jul-21 13:15:00

I interred my parents’ ashes in my grandparents’ grave
A strip of turf was cut back by the cemetery staff and I scattered/buried them mixed up together and planted two little heathers, one for my sister and one for myself.
After I had gone the strip of turf was replaced.
A simple letter to ( I think) the Council was all it took, but you could ask your local undertaker for advice on who to approach.

MawBe Fri 09-Jul-21 13:15:38

If it’s a churchyard, ask the vicar or a churchwarden.

Calendargirl Fri 09-Jul-21 13:25:40

When my mother’s ashes were interred in her parents grave, a few days after the actual funeral at the crematorium, the undertakers prepared the plot, the vicar gave a comforting brief address. There were only four of us there, my sister, BIL, my DH and me, which is what we wanted.

There were 2 red roses from the little great grandsons in Australia, which we placed in the grave along with the ashes, which were in a beautiful miniature coffin, my sister had fretted they would be in a plastic urn, but no.

Simple but suitable all round.

SusieB50 Fri 09-Jul-21 17:57:34

My DH died 18 months ago ,the ashes are still in his wardrobe .I wanted to scatter them in the sea in his Kent home town . Or in his favourite France . But of course Covid has put a stop to this . I was thinking about this last week, now wondering if his favourite local forest would be better .

Billybob4491 Fri 09-Jul-21 18:39:48

My husband also died last year and I have his ashes. Applied to a local forest to have them scattered and they refused permission.

May7 Fri 09-Jul-21 19:02:53

Seriously though Billybob4491 how would they know. I know of many people who've had their ashes scattered in woods, off mountains, on beaches, in the river, and no permission even asked for. I'm sorry for your loss and if it was me I'd just do it.
travelsfar I too followed your heartbreaking story and I wish you peace.

grandMattie Fri 09-Jul-21 19:06:09

My daughter is a vicar and told us that disposing of ashes in odd places is illegal as they are human remains.
If you are to do it, make sure no one knows!…

travelsafar Fri 09-Jul-21 19:16:52

Thank you for your thoughtful and kind words. I am leasing a plot for 50 years which will take my ashes too...... when the time comes. A local stonemason will supply an open book type marker for the plot with dh details on one page and mine on the other side eventually. It's good to know we don't have to have an 'official's to speak when it takes place. It will be close family only and I have found a beautiful poem which I hope to read and I will invite others to say a few words too if they so wish. Afterwards we will either come back home for a buffet type lunch or go somewhere for a meal. I am hoping it will all go to plan.smile Not sure what he would think as he always said just put me under the rose bush in the garden, but as he was born and bred and lived all his life in this town and it feels right he is remembered in our local cemetery.

Billybob4491 Fri 09-Jul-21 19:18:23

May7 - I always observe the "rules" as such, perhaps I should have been a bit craftier but I know if caught it is illegal, and it would be just my luck to get caught!

bikergran Fri 09-Jul-21 20:47:04

We are just starting to let go of my mums ashes as my dad says he wants to put her to rest.

My dad has chosen a cemetery not to far away where they spent many happy hours(not in the cemetery in the town) when they were younger)

In the cemetery there are chamber like blocks, on top of the block is a black memorial tablet roughly about 14 inch square for the verse also we are having a photo.

The chap who is sorting it is bringing an urn (extra cost of course) he will put some of the ashes in the urn (my dads choice not mine)

The cost is around £1.200 this also includes re opening of the chamber to put my dads ashes in when the time comes, you can fit 4 lots of ashes in the chamber.

The rest of the ashes are being scattered where my mum wanted to be scattered and set free.

This is Lancashire area by the way.

Aldom Fri 09-Jul-21 21:37:19

Travelsafar I remember the traumatic events surrounding your husband's death and your own battle with Covid. You are often in my thoughts. I hope the interment of the ashes will bring you some peace. flowers

travelsafar Wed 25-Aug-21 18:07:28

Finally today the internment of ashes took place. I woke to wet pavements and heavy cloud which didn't help my mood but I am glad to say all went well. It felt like the last thing I could do for DH, and surrounded by family, friends and some neighbours I feel we did the best we could bearing in mind he died at the beginning of January. I spoke some opening words followed by a poem which I had changed slightly to make relevant, then another family member read out something about DH. I am glad it is all over now and I can finally start to relax. Plus of course I have somewhere to go on special days.

Blossoming Wed 25-Aug-21 18:17:52

I’m glad you were able to lay your husband to rest travelsafar, it sounds very dignified and fitting. I’m sure you did him proud. I was new to GN when you were going through this and I have wondered how you were doing. Wishing you all the best.

Calendargirl Wed 25-Aug-21 18:24:11

Pleased it all went well travelsafar. You will feel able to ‘move on’ a bit now, as it’s difficult until things are settled.

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 21:52:43

I am sorry for your loss.
Dad I out nuns ashes in without anyone present at all. But I think it's oersona voice, You could have a humanist as you say or vicar or a good friend or absolutely anyone.
Have a think on what you and your husband would have wanted.
I've lost many loved ones and usually say the pain doesn't ease but in time you do learn to live with it differently.
Hope your ok.

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 21:53:15

That meant to say dad I put mums

Neen Tue 21-Sep-21 21:53:45

Oh my goodness .. I mean dad and I put mums