It's blooming hard some days....

Luckygirl I always make a point of when I am out to wish people good day. Because after my husband died the only time once the children had gone it was the only time I spoke to anyone face to face. I know how much it meant to me when they answered back. My thought was you never know if you are the only person they speak to all day.

Probably why I speak to my husband everyday out loud just so I can hear a voice. Sounds pathetic writing it down but it's how I feel.

Since moving I resolved to change. I joined sit fit, craft group and U3A all closed due to Covid. But started a new exercise group GP referral called active ageing run by the council. I love it. My craft group may be starting soon my daughter tells me will just wait and see.

Just seen the time have to go on baby sitting soon. Will pop in later

Had to leave home at 11.30 to get my bus. That's another great thing about living in Merseyside you get a free bus/ local train pass at 60 men and women. Would have had to be 66 in West Midlands and only for buses.

I think woman cope better being on their own easier than men. I know some men cope just as well. But all the widowers I know find it's the lack of routine hard. Work was routine , retirement with their wife or partner they was a routine to that . Then they feel set adrift. I know my husband would have been like that. Their was a rthymn to our life.

I expected to die first as I have been ill for so long. And that thought worried me for years. Not the dieing but how he would cope. I knew 2 things he would work none stop also for a short while he would have drunk to much. Until the children stopped him with a wake up call. It's like my brother and I knew if mom had died before dad he wouldn't have lasted 6 months . He would have pined away for her.

A friend of mine her mom died beginning of the year her dad the end of the same year. Even though they had a long stormy marriage she always said her dad couldn't and didn't want to live without her.

It's hard when half of you dies but if you have been together a long time it's harder. Many like me may have had to do a lot of firsts on your own. My husband made me promise to go on holiday the year after he died. I did to York for 4 days . First time I had ever been on holiday by myself . Did a lot of firsts those few days including first time at the age of 46 walking into a pub by myself. Seems laughable now . It's like our first date we went to a pub . I was 16 never been in a pub before.

That was 2005 haven't had a holiday since but promised myself a holiday in 3 years when I get my pension. I want to go back to Ireland on the west coast. It will have to be a city break I don't drive.

What annoyed me about my holiday I went to an independent hotel and had to pay a single person supplement on my room. It was a lovely hotel and the staff where brilliant. I was the only person on their own and one of them always came and talked to me during dinner. But why I was I penalised for being on my own, Does that still happen nowadays that independent hotels charge single room supplement?

I thought as the years go by making the decisions would come easier it wasn't at my old house. I supposed even though after he died the house was just mine but still thought of it as ours. Saw him everyday sitting in his armchair after dinner with his laptop files round his feet. I used to hear him come through the front door and drop both of his briefcases in the porch at 6.30.

That all changed when I moved. Only saw him once that was Christmas day . Had our daughter and family here for the day. And saw him standing by the tree with that stupid grin on his face .

I suppose it's because I choose the bungalow. All the things I have had done it's been my choice , my colours even my choice of plants as I stripped both front and back gardens and started again. Even brought a greenhouse.

That was a hard thing to think I and me , not us and ours. I still sleep in our bed new mattress. All my furniture is what we choose together. But added new side tables and a large storage footstool.

Especially since moving done things never thought I could. I painted the back garden fence and on the drive. Took me 4 days but I did it. Mind you it's a bit slap dash but looks better than before. Put my first 2 pieces of flat pack together this year. Ok it was only a bedside table and the tops wonky , and a shoe rack. Took me 2 weeks to realise put the one end on upside down soon put right. I brought my first cordless screwdriver kit. To make them. I could image my husband laughing as I put them together. I even varnished them.

As usual I have rambled on. That's another thing I have become a chatterbox . Just realised I have become my mom. My daughter called her Nannie chatterbox. Babysitting yesterday I was talking to my youngest grandson he's 7 months he just smiles and chuckles I fully expect him to say one day stop talking Nannie. Had his brother say to me not long ago he said I want to talk now. Make a point of letting him speak first now. The little terror got me with the spray bottle yesterday when he was supposed to spraying the tomato flowers . Got him back thought.

Better stop this saga. Have the best day you can and find something to make you smile even if it's a pretty cloud. ?

Luckygirl

*that feeling of being someone’s obligation.*

There you have it in a nutshell.

There is no-one who is "your person" any more - you are on the periphery of the lives of others and included because of the need to be kind to you.

Sigh.

Yep. It sucks!

I am quite relieved that others feel the same way - I thought I was being a crabby old baggage!

So sorry for all, please don’t be offended but I want to say I
envy you, you are now so alone but have many happy years to
remember all your shared, my husband died when we had only
been married 8 years, didn’t see our daughters grow up, has three grandchildren who know nothing about him.

Will add being a 33 year old widow, I didn’t experience not being invited to things, the opposite, dinner parties which included a single man !

Whiff
What a lovely post ?

I like to think that all the single people we invite is because I like their company.
There is a single person I take to keep fit but I certainly wouldn’t have her for dinner/ drinks. Every morsel of food that she eats is accompanied by comments on what her doctor tells her she can/ can’t eat. She’s as fit as a butchers dog at 85.

MerylStreep my brother the cheeky sod says I have mouth diarrhoea. ?. We are close as he's only 16 months younger than me. Even though he tells people I am 16 years older than him when we are together. So he gets a thump.

Luckygirl you are and never will be a crabby old baggage. You like the rest of us are heartbroken and missing the part of us that makes us whole.

When all who have lost the other half of themselves. Feel low. Look at all you have achieved since you have been on you own. And know how proud they would be of us. It's another way I cope when the tidal wave of grief washes over me out of the blue.

You may not think you have achieved much but you will be surprised how much you have had to do and lived to fight another day. I don't mean big things but something small like tightening a loose screw.

Anniebach I understand how hard it is for you. Being widowed so young is grossly unfair. You and your husband have been cheated out of your life together. Your children their father and grandchildren their granddad. My husband couldn't wait to be a granddad . We have 5 grandson's. Unfortunately my son decided he doesn't want anything to do with me but that's another story for a different thread. But my daughter's boys I see every week and spend hours with them.

What gives me comfort is our children and grandsons have his DNA weird I know but in a way he lives on in them.

Look after yourselves and know you are not alone. ?

Whiff you have a lovely way of putting things, keep posting

My OH definitely lives on in one of my GSs in particular: thin (very), brain like a planet, attracted to abstract knowledge for its own sake, academic high-flyer. He is a clone! It is quite bizarre.

Luckygirl
That’s lovely ?

As we’ve wandered onto grandchildren are all of you aware of this fact.
If you have a medical background you you probably do. But it blows me away. www.tcoyf.com/fun-little-fact-mention-next-time-grandmas-dinner/

I do think some women in a marriage do become threatened by women alone.
This happened to me. I have always gone on long walks and often met one of my neighbours and we would chat. After a few weeks his wife started to accompany him. She had never walked with him before and I could tell she was worried that I had designs on her husband.
I found it annoying as I had only recently been bereaved and it was the last thing I wanted.
And yes life is difficult without your special person.

MerylStreep That is sweet! I have 3 DDs and 2 of my 7 GC are female - although one is now choosing not to be - that is a whole other story!

I have not (yet) experienced the idea of being a threat to other women by being on my own - maybe I have that to come; but at my age I doubt it very much.

There is a whole lot to adapt to; and it needs strength which I do not think I possess at the moment.

MerylStreep just clicked on that link. So true. Loved it.

Hope you are all managing to saw cool. Off back to the Midlands tomorrow to stay with my brother and sister in law for a few days. First time I have been back in nearly 2 years next month with be my 2nd year here. I am looking forward to going to see all the things they have done to their home.

But have mixed feelings about going and I don't really know why. I suppose that's where my life was with my husband . They live 20 miles away from where I did. So won't be going anywhere near my old house. I have no ties to my old house as I used to rattle round it as it was big. Once I found my bungalow I let it go in my mind as the bungalow was what I wanted. I have never been I want person. So wanting the bungalow shocked me. Luckily even though my house sale fell through twice they still agreed to sell me it.

Normally I can work out why I feel certain things as I know myself very well. But don't know why I feel like this today.

My brother and sister in law came to stay in June and we had a fabulous time. Love both of them very much. Took them both a while to find eachother . His 3rd and her 2nd marriage. Only wish they could have met 30 years ago instead of only 7 . My brother paid me a wonderful compliment after only a couple of dates . He said finally he knows what we had. As he had found his other half and understood how hard it was for me on my own.

As usual just rambling on. Hopefully I will feel differently tomorrow. My daughter and grandson are taking me to the station. Already got my bag packed.

Have a good week and keep cool it's going to hot well into next week. ?

At the moment is doesnt bother me not being invited to gatherings. It may come further down the line though. Today would have been DH 67th Birthday. I am spending the day quietly at home thinking of him and waiting for my lovely daughter to arrive for sunday lunch. I count myself really lucky to have amazing neighbours who have all spoken to me today and i went round to one after an invite for a cuppa. My sister came round yesterday, and my niece is coming on Weds. My oldest friend will be here on Tuesday. I feel supported and cared for by all these lovely people. As i say it doesnt bother me at the moment not being invited out, just seeing family, friends and neighbours is enough right now.

travelsafar hope you had a lovely lunch with your daughter. And shared many happy memories of your husband. If your husband was like mine there where plenty of funny moments to think and laugh about . My darling was a klutz and couldn't go in the garden or wash the car without cutting himself . Then he would come in house with that silly grin on his face for me to patch him up.

Sounds like you have a nice week planned. Enjoy yourself and know as long as you remember him and hold him in your heart he is always with you. Well that's what I believe. I am atheist so don't believe my husband is watching me or we will met again. But because I remember and still love him as much as ever he is always with me. It's just another way of coping for me.

Luckygirl, it's true that 'couples' invitations soon fade away - but the answer is to invite people yourself.

Even if it's just to a simple tea or picnic in the park, walk with the dog or fruit picking, it's an opportunity for a chat.

I recently joined a friend for a trip to the garden centre. It's nearby and I didn't need anything, but she wanted my advice. A lot of indoor things, like shopping, bowling or the cinema, we're not comfortable with yet.

what a lovely post from whiff, i was widowed at 39, never expected to loose my husband at the age of 57, but a doctor made a mistake and i had to switch of the machine after he was left brain dead. what i got from people was...you are still young you can get another husband. i joined a bereavement group for people under 50, i met a lovely man and we chatted for a month on the phone, we met up and decide to become companions, we fell in love as really close friends, he stayed at mine every weekend and for 18 years it suited us until he died 6 weeks ago.
i moved to this house a year after my husband died and it was all elderly couples....nobody under 16 allowed to live here, about 9 years ago we had several deaths mostly men and i noticed that other couples started avoiding the widowed women (this is a small block of 50 houses using the same front door and lift). i made a point of stopping to chat to anyone who was sitting outside and asking if they wanted to meet at the community centre next to the building or going for a cuppa at the supermarket, i was in my late 40s but i could still understand loosing the love of your life and how years later it still hurts and you still miss them, most of them just wanted someone to talk to and always asked when me and mine are getting married, when i explained we are just keeping each company until our time comes....the looks i got...lol. a few times i had son/daughter coming to the door to thank me for cheering up there mum, i even pulled up some of the couples that i knew to be good friends with some of the women and sometimes it changed and i would get turned down for a cuppa as they were going out with said couple,
i will never forget my companion/partner and one of the last things i said as he was almost gone was.....it's okay to go, i will be fine and you have your darling wife waiting for you, when it's my time you three can meet and we will all have a double date. i miss him so much as the week before he died i found out i have cancer again....i will get through it as i have my family and a few close friends to help when things get bad, i will always be a widow, i still grieve for my husband all these years later and now for my partner.

nexus63 thank you . I never know if what I write makes sense. But I write as I speak. I am sorry you where widowed young but glad you found a close friend to love for all those years.

I to told my husband we would be ok and to stop fighting he died a few minutes after. I always think he was waiting for me to let him go. But I loved and love him to much to have to held on to him as he was in agony. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

You have double grief for the men you loved. But I think we are the lucky ones. Those of us who have lost are other halves are lucky we had that much love in our lives. Some people go their whole lives and never know love . It's the price we have to pay to have that love.

I wish well with your treatment and you sound positive and that's the best way to be with any illness / disease. And having family support will get you through it.

It's nice to know your acts of kindness are appreciated by your neighbours.

Take care

I have come to the conclusion that the basic rule of widowhood is never ever to appear needy. You may be feeling needy (with total justification) but never let it show. It is the biggest turn-off for others. Just paste on that smile and keep up the act. Sigh.

Luckygirl

I have come to the conclusion that the basic rule of widowhood is never ever to appear needy. You may be feeling needy (with total justification) but never let it show. It is the biggest turn-off for others. Just paste on that smile and keep up the act. Sigh.

Yep, Luckygirl. Smokey Robinson's Tears of a Clown was my internal anthem. For about three years after DH died, I could not bear to be at home alone. I went out a lot, anything to detract from the pain and emptiness. Neighbours took to calling me the Merry Widow when I was anything but. Those more recently bereaved will not have had those opportunities for diversion.

Here’s a little poem I wrote after my husband died.

Get up with the morning, put on my happy face,
Eat breakfast, shower, make-up, hair in place,
Wear bright colours, buy new clothes to suit my slimmer shape,
Meet friends for lunch or coffee, indulge in chocolate cake.
Redecorate and garden, cinema or swim,
Take long walks with the Ramblers, book sessions at the gym.
Send emails, go to Book Club, watch sitcoms on TV,
Travel the world with others who are all alone like me.

And sing and sing for joy that every breath
Will bring me one step closer to my death.

Ouch! That poem about sums it all up.

Flexagon - you are right. My OH died just before the first lock down so diversionary opportunities have been very limited.