How to treat bereaved friends

Hetty like I said further up moving I got my identity back. You have found yours with your studying. It very freeing I found. Also like me you have probably found you again.

When you are part of a couple and that person is your other half of yourself doesn't matter if you have been together a year or 50 when they died you lose that half of yourself.
Your present and future die to. And making a new present and future is hard. And as well meaning as friends and family can be they can make it more difficult for you to make that present and future.

They don't mean to but some treat you as if you are a China doll and will break others expect you to be back to normal within a couple of months. But our normal has gone for good.

When I talk about my husband it's not sad or strange as here no one knew him. I have found more kindness here since moving to the north west. Not because I am a widow but because neighbours here look out for eachother.

Within 3 days of moving in my postman knocked the door and introduced himself. We are on first name terms. That would never have happened in the west Midlands.

Good luck with your studies Hetty and finding you again.

And to everyone one else live your life to the full . It's not easy but we owe it to our loved ones . Also don't know about you but I have done things I never thought I could as they would have been jobs my husband would have done.

Life is hard on your own without your one and only. But so worth living . Embrace everything about it the good and the bad. Especially in these times when so many families have lost family members of all ages to Covid.

Set yourself goals doesn't have to be anything big or important but something you have always wanted to try.

And you don't have to put a brave face on all the time. After all these years I still have wobbles and find tears running down my face. But I go with it. If you fight it it only makes it worse in my experience.

?

Everyone reacts to bereavement in their own way. I desperately wanted some normality. I wanted friends and family to carry on as usual. I didn't want sympathy, didn't want to talk about him - and certainly didn't like other's (misjudged) opinions on the course of my grief.

They acted weird and treated me like an invalid - for about six months (when basically, I just felt numb) then, strangely, thought I was 'over it' - just when I was finding it hard to cope. By then, they'd moved away, gone on holiday and/or stopped regular contact to check on me.

I found a kind of normality by studying with strangers. They had no expectations or background knowledge of me or my circumstances. It really saved my sanity!

Such a good point Beswitched
There’s something very true in Sir Terry Pratchett’s words in one of his Discworld books, something along the lines of “They are not dead whilst their name is still spoken”.
It is comforting, not upsetting to hear your loved one’s name or a comment like “So and so would have loved this” or a reminiscence like “Do you remember when…”

Yesterday I met two people I hadn't seen since my mum died 5 weeks ago. They chatted away and never once mentioned her. Perhaps they felt awkward but it was very hurtful

Please, if you meet someone who has been recently bereaved, put your own discomfort to one side and say something.

If you're worried you will upset them, they are far more likely to cry quietly later if you ignore their loss.

...Doesn't matter if ....

The other thing that I think people may not realise is how lonely it is immediately after they have visited you
Oh, yes. The strange way the house seems twice as large and twice as empty when friends leave. Even the ceilings appear to get higher.Doesn't matter if its a couple of car-loads of people or just a neighbour dropping in for coffee, there's a lonely silence that you can almost hear when they're gone.

Our oldest friends, with whom we used to go on holiday each year, came to the funeral, rang once - and then nothing. It is hard to describe how much that hurts.
I wonder why people behave like this? Are they frightened that death or grief is catching like a virus?
I remember my Dad describing how bitterly hurt he was after my Mom died nearly 40 years ago and this happened to him. One couple who had previously been good friends even crossed the road to avoid talking to him as he and they were walking their dogs. He said he felt like a non-person, as though he might have died also but just not realised.
I've been quite fortunate - a couple of people have disappeared from my life but they were casual friends rather than deep bonds, although we have known them a long time.

I did have some discombobulating dreams early on where he “was still alive “ and I was worrying about paying back the life insurance money...
How horrible! I confess that in the first few days after OH died I was terrified of sleeping in case I had nightmares about the nature of his death (result of an RTC) but, fortunately, all my dreams of him have been warming and comforting and about situations where, like Maw's husband, he is simply there, part of whatever's going on although, yes, often much younger than when he died.

Whiff - PM now sent

I too was bereaved just before lockdown. I had barely had time to get my head round what had happened before I was plunged into isolation - for months on end. All the things that might have helped were wiped out.

And now?........I find that with some people I have been "written out" of their plans. I think that if lockdown had not happened, our relationships would have continued in a different way, taking into account my OH's death - but because of the gap in normal contact, I feel sometimes that I got, as I say, written out. So - one of the things you can do is to make sure to contact people on their own, with whom contact has lapsed during the lockdowns.

The other thing that I think people may not realise is how lonely it is immediately after they have visited you. I run a choir and we have been meeting in my garden - we met this evening - and they all go home in their couples - they all thank me and tell me what a wonderful time they have had - and off they go; and then..............I am left with a deafening silence. It hurts.

So, if you have let contact with someone bereaved lapse over the last 18 months, and feel uncomfortable about renewing that contact - just DO it. Please - they will appreciate it.

Our oldest friends, with whom we used to go on holiday each year, came to the funeral, rang once - and then nothing. It is hard to describe how much that hurts.

Scribbles I must have knocked the setting . I always accept PMs. No idea what I did sorry about that.

The hardest days are the ones when I wake from a dream of OH and, just briefly, think he is there beside me and turn to say "good morning". And yet, I would hate never to dream of him!

I love dreaming about DH- he just “features” in dreams if the last few years had never happened. He is younger, fit and “there” just like part of the furniture!
I did have some discombobulating dreams early on where he “was still alive “ and I was worrying about paying back the life insurance money and wondering what we had paid undertakers for! I am told that is not unusual. I found those upsetting because I realised what still lay ahead and what we would have to go through all over again

Whiff, I've just found out you're not accepting PMs so, as I don't want to hijack this thread with what would have been a fairly complex reply, I'll decline to answer your question for the moment.

Whiff, I tried to PM an answer to your question but my effort vanished off the screen without actually sending. I'm off to bed now and will try again tomorrow.

Thank you all for your heart wrenching posts, such deep sadness and loss.
I opened the thread because I want to be the best friend I can to my bereaved friends and have learned a great deal from all of you.
I do remember Maw saying some time ago that the hardest thing is having no one to do nothing with. This has stuck in my mind and I do try hard to appreciate how lucky I am to still have that.
for you all.

Scribbles I am sure your husband is proud how you are coping. I have never dreamt of my husband. But in our old house I hear him drop his briefcases in the porch every night at 6.30 and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. I used to see him in his armchair with his laptop and files around his feet.

I am an atheist and don't believe I will be with him again.

But it's good you do as it will help you get through the coming years. Whatever gets you through each day is a bonus.

I moved here 2 years ago and stopped seeing him until last Christmas day and my daughter, son in law and 2 grandson's where here. I saw him standing by the Christmas tree with that stupid grin on his face.

Keeping active is key to coping with the grief. What a lovely interest you shared. Is the place open to the public? What sort of vintage transport is it?

Keep taking it one day at a time . If you have a bad day don't fight the tears as it will only you make you feel worse. Learnt that the hard way.

The difficulty I have is that I do not much like or want this new life. I know that is a fault, but I can vividly remember the resistance inside me at the first New Year after DH died. Well- meaning (no doubt) friends talked about a new year and facing a new life.
Well I just wanted the bloody old life back thank you very much!

My feeling, exactly, Maw. I didn't ask for or want the life I now have but I also know it's the only one I have so I must live it as best I can. The love I shared with OH must now sustain me for the rest of my life because what's the alternative? Either I get up and get on with things, however hard that is; or I turn into a sort of Miss Havisham recluse, hidden away, grieving for what I can never have again; or I chuck myself off a cliff.

There have been times when that last one has come under serious consideration but, thanks to my psychotherapist and the sure knowledge that if there is an afterlife, OH would never forgive me, the possibility is receding.

No, as Whiff says, we must live our lives to the full. We only get one go on the carousel.
It's lonely, knowing that whatever you do now, you will always do it alone even though other people are present. But do it we will.

As things start to open up and function again, I'm starting to pick up on former activities, particularly vintage transport preservation which was an enthusiasm I shared with OH. So far, our friends and acquaintances have been completely accepting of "just me", treated me with friendly consideration but no particular extra kindness or weirdness such as Hetty describes. Thank goodness!

The hardest days are the ones when I wake from a dream of OH and, just briefly, think he is there beside me and turn to say "good morning". And yet, I would hate never to dream of him!

MawBe I have been widowed for 17.5
years . I was 45 and my husband 47. I am now 63. Grieving for the other half of you never ends. You just cope better. But at times a tidal wave of grief overwhelms me so not reason.

When your other half dies you not only lose them but the life you should have had. Your present and future dies with them. Making a new present and future is so hard and doesn't get any easier as you get older.

Our children where 20 and 16 when my husband died. He was diagnosed with a grade 4 malignant melanoma and given 5 years to live in January 2001 he died February 2004. He had 3 tumour's in his right lung 1 in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. He died in agony fighting for every breathe even on full oxygen. He died at home with me and the children. I told him to stop fighting and we would be ok. He died minutes later.

We had been together for 29 years married 22. Would have been married 40 years in May. I still go by Mrs still wear my wedding ring and hate being classed as single. To me I am still married. Never wanted another man.

He was looking forward to being a grandad one day. He has missed so much. Both children's weddings and we have 5 grandson's now.

After all these years half of me is still missing, still hate the empty bed. I talk out loud to him every day. I have shouted and swore at him for leaving me. Which sounds wicked but it's better to voice how you feel than end up a sodden lump .

What shocked me after he died was the anger and rage I felt. Took me years to realise it was normal. I have written a lot on the pain of loss thread.

MawBe finding you after being a couple is so hard. I finally got my identity back 2 years ago when I moved to the north west over 100 miles from where I lived. My children live up here.

I am not my husband's wife then widow or children's mom. I am me. People know me . We had lived in the same village since 1980 and married in 1981. Only moved a few roads away from our first house. When I moved I had lived in the same house for 34 years.

There's not a day go by I don't want my husband back. I would give anything to have him back fit and healthy but I can't. And I still hate being on my own. But he made me promise a lot of things . The main one was to live the best life I can . Those promises I have kept and I live my life to the full as I promised him. I refused to promise to remarry. He is my one and only. Still love him as much as I ever did.

Where I used to live people knew him . Here I talk about him but no one knows him. In a weird way that helps.

You have probably found especially after the funeral friends and some family disappear on you. As if being a widow is catching. Also some people expect you to get over it as ifs it's a cold.

There is no getting over the love of your life. The only person in the whole world who knew you inside and out and loved you . But unfortunately it's the price we have had to pay loving someone so much. But we are the lucky ones we had that love. Some people live their whole lives and never know love like that.

I do understand exactly how you feel. You are not alone.

Scribbles

^"Life goes on after all” - or does it?^

I think the answer to that, Maw, is Yes - but not as we knew it.

So true.
The difficulty I have is that I do not much like or want this new life. I know that is a fault, but I can vividly remember the resistance inside me at the first New Year after DH died. Well- meaning (no doubt) friends talked about a new year and facing a new life.
Well I just wanted the bloody old life back thank you very much!

So the challenge now is finding out who I am on my own, no longer part of a couple or an entity, two names which went together. I am not ready to join the village widows playing short mat bowls in the village hall or go for bus trips to the Cotswolds with the rest of the old dears.
It’s not unlike “empty nest” couples who have been Mum and Dad for so many years, when their offspring finally fly the nest they can find it hard to readjust to being a husband and wife again.
So yes Scribbles - life goes on.

Beswitched, when I lost my husband, I really wanted people to just be their normal, usual selves.

I found it far easier to be in the company of fellow students (who didn't know me) than to spend time at home, with family and friends. People were weird, awkward - and extra kind - and I hated it!

"Life goes on after all” - or does it?

I think the answer to that, Maw, is Yes - but not as we knew it.

My friend was surprised that I should be so 'down.' "But you’re so resilient and full of confidence; I admire the way you just tackle things head on and get them done," she said, "I didn't know a few minor setbacks could knock you back so badly
Incredible that a “friend” could know or understand you so little!
I often think we go out of our way to spare the feelings of others. When asked how we are, we reply “Fine, not so bad, coping, one foot in front of the other” or suchlike cliches to reassure them we are not going to burst into tears (OMG how embarrassing!) or tell it like it is- your heart has been ripped out, you have lost your right hand and been punched in the solar plexus and you have never felt so alone in your entire life.
We don’t embarrass them by bringing the departed’s name into the conversation, even although they are at the forefront of our mind and we certainly do not ask for sympathy. .
“Life goes on after all” - or does it?

scribbles *and *MawBe ?thinking of you both I too find Sundays tricky ?

Thanks for posting The Mountain ,*Maw*. That's one I've clipped to keep.

Self-confidence? Laziness? Apathy? Certainly less motivation than when I was seriously trying to get my act together in the year after DH’s death

All that forward-planning and booking ahead did nothing to encourage me to go out, either. I have always been a creature of impulse and dislike being organised to suit other people! Things around here are now much more relaxed so a spur of the moment outing is more feasible.

Today I was talking to an old school friend and, when she asked how I'm feeling, I replied truthfully that it hasn't been the best of weeks: lots of minor problems and aggravations that left me feeling depressed and helpless and missing OH badly because he was the one with all the technical and practical skills. However, I said, I'm getting over my bad patch and looking forward to a few days away next weekend.

My friend was surprised that I should be so 'down.' "But you’re so resilient and full of confidence; I admire the way you just tackle things head on and get them done," she said, "I didn't know a few minor setbacks could knock you back so badly."

Resilient? Confident? No. That's someone I used to be. She's now a veneer I put on along with my cologne and mascara when I have to deal with the world because the last thing I need is for everyone and his dog to see the quaking jelly underneath.

If someone who has been a friend for nearly 60 years can be so greatly bamboozled by an act then I think perhaps we should add to the OP's list- please don't be taken in by a smiling face and a confident manner. Probe gently and you may find a bundle of misery and grief who would welcome the opportunity to offload for a little while.

MawBe

Another friend has just sent me this- wise words

LOVE THIS..Wishing you all brighter days ?

Another friend has just sent me this- wise words

Now, life is a little more normal and people are doing more - getting around, seeing friends and relations and going on holiday which is great and as it should be so there's less time for those chatty, supportive calls. However, for the bereaved person, this has brought the realisation that "normal" will never be normal again. Holidays, days out, visits to loved ones or participation in activities we both used to enjoy will forever now be accomplished alone and the sense of utter aloneness hits twice as hard. It was different last year when just about everyone was feeling lonely and miserable

Absolutely Scribbles - I could do have written that. There was a sense of all being in it together and with nowhere to go it didn’t matter that there was nobody to go to it with!
I don’t begrudge anybody anything but on yet another solitary Sunday I have to turn a blind eye to all the “We…” sentences on eg threads where people outline their plans for the day.
Oddly, before the pandemic I was actually getting used to doing things on my own - usually spur of the moment decisions, - but now that so much has to be booked in advance I find I can’t do that.
Self-confidence? Laziness? Apathy? Certainly less motivation than when I was seriously trying to get my act together in the year after DH’s death.
As for “tactful” people skirting round the subject- they have clearly never “been there”.
To quote one of Phoenix’s RL friends I have been in touch with, she commented that she liked Sir Terry Pratchett’s words in one of his Discworld books, something along the lines of “They are not dead whilst their name is still spoken”.

Scribbles, yes I am finding this year difficult too . My DH died just before Covid lock down started .It was an awful time but as you say everyone was in the same boat ! I have been away a fair bit this summer , it is very strange going away without DH . I have just come back home from staying with a friend also widowed and we spent a lovely evening laughing and weeping reminiscing over many family holidays some of which we had spent together . Some people think they may upset you if they mention a loved one who has died , but it’s good to talk even if emotions bubble up …