Relationships and choices after bereavement

I think your first task is to decide what you want. I've not been bereaved but I've heard lots of GN members (and friends) talk about not making big decisions too soon. So if you can afford to wait, that might be a good idea.

Secondly, do the children go to the school, which is nearby? If you make the decision to move, will they have to change schools? That would be one of my main concerns.

It sounds as if your daughter is hoping her man will make a commitment which will also help her acheive her practical needs in addition to her romantic wishes (a home like she envisages she needs). Not much you can do about that. She will ignore you if you push her.

Once you've decided, you'll have to talk to her and explain what you're doing, for you. Then she can start to put her own plans together. It might show her then how realistic/unrealistic she is being.

Hi Budge I don't feel I'm in any position to give you advice but didn't want to not respond. My sincere condolences for your loss.

Is it wise to make such huge changes to your life, so soon after the loss of your husband? I understand your reasons for wanting to do so but wonder if you should give you and your D more time to work through the grieving process.

So sorry for your loss Budge, my sympathies.

As a fellow widow, personally I wouldn't do anything in the first year. You could start preparing to move by decluttering/decorating and looking at new locations with your daughter, but I wouldn't go on the market until you have a definite area in mind. I hope you and your daughter can reach a happy compromise.

I’m so sorry for your loss and I can understand your worries over your daughter.
However as your daughter owns 33% of your house you really do need to get her approval on where and when you move.
Have you told her , bluntly, that you are unable to afford your current home? Maybe you could draw up a list of want you each want from a new home and it’s location, then try to find something you will both come to love.
I can’t help you with your daughters emotional problems, we have a daughter who makes bad choices as well and apart from offer support we have realised that we can’t live her life for her, at least she has us in her corner should things go wrong again, once they get to a certain age you are unable to influence them no matter how reasonable your arguments seem.
I wish you well and hopefully you will find somewhere else to live, but please don’t rush into moving, it’s early days from your recent bereavement.

I’m so sad to hear about your husband. You were obviously blessed with a lovely long happy marriage.

I would say you’re still very much in the grieving process. I have no experience of this....yet, but can imagine I may just want to hold fire on any plans until I could think more clearly.

Maybe this is what you should do. My granny always used to say...’ if in doubt....do nowt’. I’ve often had to apply it.

Try not to get too involved in what your daughter is doing. If you can talk about how you feel, great...but ultimately, it’s her life, and she has to live it. The important person is of course your granddaughter, so she is always a good place to start in any discussions you have. She needs protection.

Try not to go too fast, take your time.

I wish you all the best ?

Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss. Secondly I'm not qualified to offer advice, having not been through similar...but...I'll say what springs to mind.

My thought is, yes your daughter needs childcare, but you also might need her/them in future. Do you want to continue to live together? If not, you could sell the house and give her 33% to make her own way in the world?

Running costs and bills are only going to rise, so I think you're wise to consider down sizing. As you hold a 66% share of the house, I think you've got more say what happens- but perhaps you could get mediation together in order to move forwards in a united way.

Is it possible that you could buy a house and split it? For example, so you each own 50% but your daughter would be responsible for all her own bills and have her own entrance and privacy? You won't always be here to guard her, she has to learn by her own mistakes or she will keep making them.

Budge - I am very sorry to hear of the death of your husband.

Was a second move on the cards before he became more ill, or is this idea a response to a reduced income? I moved shortly after my husband died, but it was something that was already in the pipeline at the time of his death, so I kept going with it as it was a move nearer my friends, who have been a rock for me.

It also took me into a community that is lively and welcoming, in spite of being very small and in the middle of nowhere. I do therefore understand your wish to be somewhere with more going on, as these activities have helped to keep me sane.

Where do you stand legally with selling, since you DD owns a third of the property? Could she be a stumbling block if she objects to this? Do you need legal advice?

I am sorry that your DD is causing you worry. It does sound as though she is being unrealistic about the new man in her life as he has been clear what he wants from the relationship. She would of course do better to break this off entirely as there is no future and only unhappiness down the line for her. But I guess we can all understand her wish to find Mr Right after being so let down first time around.

I am not sure there is anything you can do to ease her pain - she is an adult and has to make her own decisions, but, as we all know, it can be hard to stand back and watch mistakes being made.

It is a difficult situation that you find yourself in.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Everyone has made such sensible points.

I don’t know if you have inherited your late husband’s share in the house, but in any event owning the property jointly with your daughter is causing you problems as you’re not free to do what you want as regards moving. I don’t suppose a document was signed when the house was purchased, setting out the rights and responsibilities of each purchaser? That’s always wise in a situation like this. If there is such a document take a look at it to see if it gives you additional rights over and above the general law.
I’m sure you would much prefer to make a move with your daughter’s full agreement rather than see a solicitor and set the scene for acrimony, expense and perhaps estrangement so I hope you can get your daughter to understand that the household bills are now unaffordable so a move is essential. If at possible, once the principle of moving is accepted, buy separate properties close enough to one another to enable you to continue with the childcare. Purchasing together again, with your daughter’s lack of a grasp of reality and desire for a new relationship, you could end up in a very difficult and unhappy situation as you get older.

I wish you luck going forward.?

BUDGE so sorry for your loss you must be going through a difficult time. I think you could give yourself more time before you make decisions about moving.
Your daughter seems to be grasping on to a relationship that is not going to work. Therefore not in the right frame of mind for making long term decisions either.
Do you envisage buying another property with your daughter in mind or be more independent. I know you are worried about your daughter but she is a grown woman now. Think long and hard what you really want but don’t rush into it.

Hi everyone, thanks for all your support and advice. I certainly won’t be rushing into anything but it is something we have discussed before, sadly, we knew what was heading our way. I couldn’t/wouldn’t ever fall out with my daughter, disagree maybe. My granddaughter is my prime concern and I would always put her needs first.
But here’s the thing, I’m worn out, firstly dealing with my daughters narcissistic ex, and the understandable emotional affect on my daughter, then 2 years of family court, and finally my husband’s diagnosis and everything which followed, straws and camels come to mind. The last 6 years have been hard, we all need time to heal and hopefully in a place with a little more community spirit. The thought of yet more upset about a man she’s known a matter of months, when she’s grieving for her dad, worries me. I don’t think I could cope with more emotional rubbish.

As a widow, I would not make a decision in the first two years. It’s a bit worrying you are tied in together with the house, she may want a fresh start if she meet someone new, you might want to have somewhere easier to manage.

You’ve really gone through the mill Budge and I’m so sorry. I’m glad you’re not going to do anything rash on the spur of the moment. My great fear is that your daughter will get into a relationship with another abusive man and that if you live together in a jointly owned property he will move in and the abuse could be directed towards you. I hope you’ll reach a solution that suits you both, and of course is right for your grand daughter too.

Dear Germanshepherdsmum, I may be a bit of an emotional wreck at the moment but I will get stronger. Throughout all these trials, I’ve been the one to research, challenge and fight for everything, it’s the loss of my hubby that has affected me the most but I can be a force to be reckoned with, I’ll be ok.

That’s good. You sound like a strong lady. Hope all goes well.

Have you thought of moving as far as Exmouth Budge?

I'm originally from Twickenham and couldn't afford to 'go home' as I wished, I moved to Northumberland with my late husband in 1999. I wanted to stay coastal and eventually narrowed my locations down to Broadstairs in Kent - and Exmouth. I wanted a railway station nearby, and fairly regular public transport. I really liked the atmosphere there.

The thought of yet more upset about a man she’s known a matter of months, when she’s grieving for her dad, worries me. I don’t think I could cope with more emotional rubbish.

Have you explained this to your daughter and asked her to be careful for your sake?
When does this man want to go travelling? Is it just something in the distant future that means he needn't commit to anything?

Have you and your daughter discussed your difficulties with your present home, and where you might like to move to?

Incidentally, your daughter doesn't have to give permission for your house to be sold, although she is part owner.
If one joint owner of a property wants to sell it, they can do so.

I wonder if your daughter is looking to the future - having lost her father, she will be thinking what will happen should she lose you too. Her new man may be her insurance policy against that.

I think you must discuss it all with her - if you wish to continue living together then she should do most of the planning etc making the best choices for her and her daughter, while ensuring you move somewhere convenient for you as you get older.

Sometimes adult children forget that their parents are getting a bit worn out and tired ! Don't be afraid to remind her.

Not without a lot of difficulty and potentially the involvement of lawyers FarNorth . Budge doesn’t want that. It could easily lead to estrangement from her daughter and grandchild and that’s not the road to go down.

So much caring advice from you all, thank you, you’ve given me much to think about but Germanshephersmum is absolutely right, I would never want to knowingly hurt or put my daughter through further court proceedings. We have now spoken, we need to speak more but she understands the rationale behind my plans and is prepared to move. In regards to the future, what I am proposing, is in her best interests, should I pop my clogs, this house is too costly for her to run, she’d own it but she’d have to sell it anyway. Thinking forwards, I do think when we buy another property, it would be prudent, when contracts are drawn up to have some caveats (I think that’s what they’re called) to protect both our interests. I hadn’t thought about that, so thanks again. As to the present man in her life, that needs further understanding and clarification.

I am very sorry for your loss and that you have the worry about your daughter as well.

I suppose I just want to say that although the conventional wisdom is don’t make big decisions in the first year, it was advice that I heeded and it was wrong for me.

I knew I did not want to continue living in that big house and that village but people saying don’t make big decisions made me afraid to do what I really knew was right for me. So I stayed and was unhappier than I needed to be.

I didn’t really start to feel better until I eventually moved.

Now the advice might be right for you and best not to pay attention to me. I just wanted to say waiting isn’t always best.
?

Are you joint tenants in common and is your daughter’s share of the house set in stone regardless of your late husbands’ share - in other words does his share pass to you or is it divided equally between the two of you with a 50/50 share ? I ask because I was in a similar situation - my mum was a joint tenant in common with myself and my late husband. We each had a third share and when my passed away the share became 50/50, so I needed her agreement when the house was sold because I found myself in your position - without my husbands’ income I couldn’t afford the upkeep of the house. If you agree to put the house on the market and you decide to buy together again, you need to get your solicitor to draw up exactly who owns what and make it clear. Problem is, if she moves another man in, he could potentially end up with a claim on her share of any property you own jointly so you need to clarify exactly what your share is and then protect it.

I'm glad you have started the conversations Budge. My daughter wasn't at all happy when I finally managed to sell our family home, but I don't think she realised how I had to juggle money to keep my listed house going. I am so glad I managed to downsize when I did.

Budge So sorry for your loss

From you post and responses it seems as if you are making progress even at this very sad and difficult time so give yourself a really big well done for that. Wow you are a force of nature, I'm not sure I could be as strong as you are being on your own.

However, reading your post, in addition to all the good advice you've had from the GNers have you thought of getting some counselling for yourself?

By getting some counselling for yourself you will have someone to support you through the changes you and your daughter and DGD are going through.

A counsellor can be someone to "be there" for you so that you are not so alone with everything. They can be someone share emotions and distress with in a safe place.

That may help as it will be someone NOT family, someone NOT grieving who can be there in the session for you without you feeling like a burden.

However much you mange to share with your daughter - it is clear you are aware of her grieving - you seem like a person who doesn't want to add to another's grief but please don't forget about your needs.

Also counselling make help you stay clear and supported with the steps and changes that lie in front of you.

Whatever you choose to do you seem like a very caring, strong and capable lady and I wish you the very best possible outcome.

I’m pleased that things are moving forward. You are doing incredibly well for someone so recently bereaved, so well done. If you do decide to buy another property with your daughter I would strongly advise you to use a good solicitor who can prepare a declaration of trust to protect your interests as far as possible. A basic conveyancer might give you a cheap quote but isn’t necessarily able to do this, so paying for a good solicitor is money well spent. He/she can suggest various eventualities to cover. It’s possible that you and your daughter might need to have separate solicitors for this as your interests diverge, but the solicitor will tell you if that’s needed. And make sure the declaration is put in place at the same time that contracts are exchanged, don’t leave it until later.