Recently widowed and suffering with loneliness

The early days after a bereavement are trying but I never expected the waves of anguish which can strike out of the blue quite randomly.
It is 18 years since my husband died. I have moved on and am very happy but just over a month ago for no seeming reason I got really weepy. It seems to happen a couple of times a year. My neighbour told me that after 20+ years the same thing happens to her too.

I am so very sorry this is happening in your life. I have no suggestions but i felt the need to say something.

Thoughts with you x

It is important to try and not remain static for too long, sitting in a chair grieving can bring you down. Being widowed is a sharp bend in the road through life and somehow we need to get around that corner.

I think that other women in a couple do often run scared, as though we widows will set out to snare their husbands. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have seen it with my very eyes but I don`t need their husband to hang a mirror or put a shelf up or maintain my bike. I have utterly no interest in other men. In fact I had to shut down a colleague of my husband whose wife, my friend, died

Part of being able to get around that corner in the road is to learn some new skills, not to be afraid of trying. Not to be afraid of dealing with other people such as negotiating with builders, finding a gardener and so on. Learn how to handle a good drill, use and research wall plugs and how to fix holes

I am glad that I moved too, I waited 3 years and then decided to be closer to buses and shops but really I also wanted to develop my own home, in my own style. To blossom again as me.

It can be very difficult to accept being alone and to get out and about, there is sub-fear now about driving unknown routes, about walking in strange unknown places. I too say hello to everyone that I pass on my little walk to the shops and many a time, that person will stop and start a little conversation.

It is not just about grieving a husband but it is about grieving a togetherness that has gone forever. Becoming solo after together is not nice, nor easy but we can adapt if we try

There are some very brave and lovely people on here and I thank you for those lovely words. Heartwarming that support is available from a distance and I hope it will help those of you in this position.

After reading your posts just wondered how you where all doing?

And to say do not put pressure on yourselves and think you have to be brave and hold your feelings in. If you do you only hurt yourselves I know from bitter experience as I did that. Realised how foolish that was. No one expects you to be brave but you. When the other half of you dies doesn't matter if it's your ,husband ,wife ,partner , opposite sex or same sex been with them a year or 50+ it's the same you lose half of yourself and in my experience you are never whole again. You still have the past but your present and future die the moment the person you love takes their last breath. Making a new present and future is very hard. Even after 18 years for me it can be a struggle or having a wobble as I call it.

To all newly bereaved and I count that as up to the first 10 years but like I say this is my experience others may say I am wrong but it's how I feel. You can be your own worst enemy by trying to be brave.

The horrible thing is I found how many people including my husband's relatives disappeared after the funeral . And how suddenly other woman acted as if you where after their husband/ partner. Suddenly you are " THE WIDOW". At first if their husband/partner helped out doing a little job for you say cutting the lawn it was ok to do it once or twice but after that they either came with him or he was busy. I employed a gardener as my garden was to big for me to cope with. They knew this as I started to look a few weeks after my husband died.

It's as if you become a man hunter looking for my next husband/partner. To be honest when I realised what was going on I did think it was funny. At the time I was 19+st size 32 had health problems which effected my limbs and walked with a stick. I am no raving beauty but I look ok not ugly . Why anyone could think I wanted to replace my husband was beyond me.He was my one and only the love of my life and still love him as much as ever.

I have had people who we both know as soon as they saw me dart into the nearest shop. First time it happened was few weeks after my husband's death. The woman stopped dead look of horror on her face and rushed into the nearest shop. By then I was 46 year old and was hurt but carried on shopping . The now 64 year old me would have gone after her and asked what her problem was . But losing the other half of you changes you in ways I never expected and took me a long time to realise just how much.

I still had both parents and mother in law dependant on me . My husband died in 2004 my mom was the last to die in 2017. It wasn't until I moved to a different part of the country in 2019 I realised in my old house I existed and didn't live my life to the full. I also realised I had lost me . I had always looked after others and didn't realise how that took me over and put others needs before my own.

Moving over 100 miles I found me again. People got to know and pleased to say like me . I am not someone's wife then widow or the kids mom or any of all the other labels we have. I am me . I live my life to the full finally doing what my husband wanted for me. To live the best life I can and I do. I love my new life. Yes I am lonely but only for my husband not because I live on my own. I like living on my own. Its funny how life takes you on different paths. But I promise life is well worth living. If the last 2 years have taught us anything it's that it. Covid has take far to many young and old.

Like I have said it's not easy and take it at your own pace. But this is my experience. Life isn't fair and will throw obstacles in your way but you can find your way round them or blast through some. But make the best of your time left on this earth.

Take care of yourselves ???

I openly talk about things that have effected my life. Death,long term illness , estrangement ,losing weight after being morbidly obese, and stress of moving house . Because I have found it helps other people talk about things and it helps me as I feel useful.

It's amazing how many bottle up their feelings after the death of a loved one thinking to protect their children and or grandchildren. Everyone feels grief in a different way and handles it differently.

Since being widowed I talk to anyone anywhere . And to myself and my husband out loud everyday. I got talking to an old man outside my doctor's last year. His wife had died from Covid. They both had it but he was worse and couldn't understand why she died and he didn't. He was 89 and she was 86 they had been married over 60 years. He went in first and when I came out he was still outside. So we talked for a good 20 mins before walking to the bus stop and talked until his bus came.

I haven't wrote that to make out I am a good person but to show people need to talk and sometimes it's easier to talk to a stranger especially one who understands.

It doesn't matter if you lose the other half of you if you have been together a year or 60 . If you are lucky enough to have them no matter for how long the loss is the same. You are never whole again but that's my experience.

I am always glad if people find another half but the ones who have never forget their first half. Well the people I know of.

We always knew my husband was going to die but when he did it was still an awful shock. I had to tell him to stop struggling and we would be ok. He died a few minutes after. I didn't want him to go but had to for his sake. He always said the cancer was like a blackness inside him eating him alive. But only said it to me. He was what I call a man's man. Who saw his role in life to look after those he loved and to protect them. All the men in my life have and are like that.

I always wish people I pass in the street good morning etc as you never know if you are the only person they talk to all day. I know how much a good morning meant to me after my husband died.

Grief I have found is different for each person but also the grief I feel for my husband is different from the grief I feel for my parents and my children's grief is different to mine.

Grief is as individual as people are. When a partner dies your present and future died to. I never thought of that until my husband died. I often wonder what he would think about my life now and the things I have done on my own. He always said I had a black thumb turns out since I moved house I am a gardener. This isn't the life I thought I would have but because of the promises my very wise husband made me keep as he knew what I needed to live without him I have a good life. And because of our time together I have done more than I ever thought I could. I am lonely but only for him. I have never wanted to find another man. I still love him as much today as ever. I still see him with that stupid grin on his face.

For me moving over 100 miles from where we lived nearly 3 years ago has given me a new start . Everyone I meet knows about my husband but they know me first. I didn't realise I had lost me until I moved. It was still our house, the bedrooms where still the children's rooms and I was still wife then widow,mom ,daughter etc. Moving I found me again. My bungalow is mine not ours . May sound selfish and odd but it's given me a whole new life . But I have been widowed for 18 years. For many of you it's early days . I found the first 10 years is still early days.

Take it one day at a time and only do what you want to do. Don't feel you have to do everything at once. Yes something's have to be dealt with straight away but not everything. Give yourself time to adjust to facing life in your own and it's so hard but it's the price we pay for loving and being loved. A price I willing pay.

I know I have repeated myself and have rambled on but that's me in real life. But it's how I cope with life.

You can find your way just take your time. ????

Whiff I’m sure you’re right, we bottle things up on anniversaries to try to protect our children from our grief and by doing so lead them to think we are doing ok. My own mother did exactly the same after my dad died very suddenly in his 40’s, I suppose history repeats. I’m sure I had anticipatory grief from the moment my DH was given his diagnosis.

I agree, our husbands live on through our DC & GC and that is a great comfort. He always used to say that I was his rock but I think it was more the other way round.

Thank you for replying and for your understanding.

SachaMac I relived the last week of my husband's death for 14 years. And was a wreck on the anniversary . My children never knew. They usually just text to check on me . On the 14th anniversary my daughter phoned and it all came out how much I suffered and never let them know. She told her brother and they didn't understand why I hid it. But I was protecting them from my grief they had enough of their own. I made sure never to let me effect me that bad again.

I think I'm ok and find tears running down my face. As the years go on the loss gets worse but you just learn to cope. But the loss can still be overwhelming at times. But I think I am lucky to have loved and been loved so much. People live their whole lives and never know that feeling. So although our time was cut short at least I had it. And out of that love had 2 children and now have 5 grandson's who all carry part of his DNA. So he lives on. It gives me comfort knowing that.

I am with you there harrigran I feel the same. I’m sorry so many of us on here are in the same boat but it is good to read the comments and know we are not alone. I don’t think I will ever truly get over the death of my DH. We met when I was 17 and we were married for over 40 years, he was the love of my life.

I’m hurtling towards the first anniversary of his death & in many ways I feel worse now. I’m finding I’m reliving the events of this time last year. I think initially you are in a daze and run on adrenaline.

I have good neighbours & friends and a lovely family but can still feel very lonely in a room full of people. I honestly don’t think I will ever get used to coming home to an empty house and having no one to talk to about my evening. Unless you have been there it’s hard to understand how truly awful it feels, It can also be hard keeping friendships going with people that you always went out with as a group of couples, these friends still invite & include me but I find it very difficult going without my DH and I think they probably do too!
All we can do is keep trying, wishing all of you the very best.

Eight months on I still have days where the sadness overwhelms me. Yesterday I was sitting at the computer and just started crying, we used to sit in the study together on a morning.
In the lounge I sit in his chair because if I am in it I don't have to look at the empty chair, likewise at the dining table.
I know I am never going to get over the loss, I don't have enough years left.

It is lovely to read all the postings and to realise I am not alone and other people feel the same as me after losing their husband/ wife. Stay strong all you lovely people I know some days it is easier said than done

How I wish I could give each and every one of you a hug! This thread is indeed very sad and I do hope that by sharing your feelings and experiences it becomes a support and help for one another..........I do hope that makes sense.

After losing my parents I realised that bereavement is more a way of learning to live without a loved one rather than getting used to the loss of them. I lost my dear Mum ten years ago but as Dad was frail and was in the early stages of Dementia my main focus was on supporting him. It was only when Dad died just three years after Mum that I actually started grieving for her.

Even now, I get upset at the merest things, I have plants from their garden and a few ornaments etc. simply looking at those reduces me to tears.

Naturally, losing an elderly, sick relative cannot compare to losing ones husband/wife and I do acknowledge that the grief some of you are feeling is all consuming and overpowering.

Please know that you are all in my thoughts and I genuinely hope your pain eases in time, take comfort in your memories. ???

I wonder if your GP could refer you knspol? I went to regular carers' meetings at the hospice and then to bereavement meetings, also a volunteer came to the house. They are very experienced with all that damn paperwork too. I realise that this is not for everyone. It was very helpful indeed and made me realise that all the emotions I was going through were perfectly normal.

They were worth their their weight in gold and helped when things seemed so very bleak.

Your posts are humbling ladies.

I lost my husband of over 50 yrs just 4 weeks ago and I just don't know what to do with myself. I wake up with that big hole every day and burst into tears umpteen times a day. I spend time looking at the places he used to sit and talking to him. I'm lucky to have some family close by but I don't want to become a burden to them, I don't have any friends nearby just a couple of acquaintances who have sent cards etc. Everytime someone says something kind to me it sets off the tears again. Also realised how much admin work is involved and mostly on line too and how many decisions need to be made when I'm not in a state to make them.
I wonder if anybody has experience of any sort of bereavement group or any reading that might help in any way please?

I am very new to this and couldn’t have put it better than Maw put it. It leaves a hole in you that nothing can fill and a long road stretching nowhere. I am grateful that I have a wonderful family, kind neighbours and friends who know what I am going through because they have been through it too. I talk to my DH all the time. The little rituals you develop to keep them close may seem silly to some, but they do help sometimes. I was driving home today, thinking about all this, and it’s like being in a huge, totally unfamiliar house, trying to find your way around, and you think you’re doing okay; and then suddenly there’s a power cut and all the lights go out and there is suddenly no sense to it, nothing to help you get your bearings, so you just have to sit tight and hope it’s not long before some light comes flooding back.

Maw the Merrier, true and well expressed as I too know from experience. I wish I had read this message when I was most acutely suffering my own loss.

Beautifully written posts above and so right about one half being ripped away. Mine was so sudden, I had no time to prepare, he went out for a good cycle ride and result was air ambulance and a policeman at the door

The ache was terrible, I had to work so hard to control the sudden rise in cortisol, which I knew was causing the rise in bp and consequential loud heart beats that were pounding in my ears at night. I knew about dying from a broken heart so I sat and gazed out of the window at swaying trees and birds. I did meditation, I listened to beautiful chanting such as gregorian chant and most of all to music by s kaur, which took me into my very soul and helped the tears to run
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JQdYN3rJys4

I needed to be alone at home to process what had happened but I also needed to know that it got better or would my future have me always feeling this bad. I went on a bus to wells, sat behind two older women, obviously friends and widows. I asked them, I needed to know, yes they said, you will learn to cope with the grief. It does not get better but you learn to move on in your life

I learnt about the stages of grief and that was re-assuring, I knew when I had reached the last stage, it was when I was able to make a home for myself. I had grief wash over me the other day, not uncontrollable and I took the same measures as in the beginning and sat quietly in the moment until it passed

I stay busy all the time, 2015 it was and my youngest brother lost his wife exactly a year after, to the day, he also stays busy. Then six months later I lost my dear sister. That was three in 18 months

I feel blessed that we had 45 years married

You've put it so well Maw and Whiff - I lost my husband 12 years ago at 56 to MND. I'll never stop missing him but have learned to be fairly self-sufficient which helps.

It's the little things like having no-one to do nothing with which can feel so empty and again, it's the little things (small compensations) like having an interesting hobby which can help to pass the hours.

The passage of time doesn't really heal but it knocks the raw edges off. I say 'night, night' to his pillow as I switch the light off. I'll bet many of you do the same.

And let us not forget the value of female friendship. Many of my friends are alone due to divorce which brings a different type of sadness. In our own ways we make the most of things.

Whiff your brave and moving post has brought tears. Sending a hug and to everyone who grieves.

Marilyn this is my experience . I have written about it on the pain of loss forum.

My husband died 18 years ago aged 47 I was 45. We always knew when he was diagnosed with grade 4 malignant melanoma in January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years. After the cancer was removed he didn't want anyone other than me and our daughter and son he wasn't going to live. He wanted to be treated normally and wanted to live a normal life. It was like living with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. My darling man could face dieing but not pity .

We had been together since he was 18 and I was 16. Together 29 years married 22. We where eachother's other halves and we where lucky we found eachother while young.

We had the terminal diagnosis in October 2003 given 4 months to 2 years but knew it was months. He had 3 tumours in his right lung ,1 in his chest and 2 in his brain by the optical nerve. He still went to work but I had to stop him driving as he was going blind. So the men who worked for him fetched and brought him home.

Letting he do what he wanted to for a short time was hard but he did not want to be treated differently. I let him go but once a work he had 2 hours and had to come home. He could only do this for a month. He went down hill fast. But then worked from home. Only hour a day.

Just because he was dieing he still wanted to be him. He had palliative chemo . This gives you an idea for my man . I said you need your hair cut before starting chemo he said I am not wasting £7 when my hair is going to fall out. He didn't lose any hair was never sick only side effects where lose of taste and impotence. The worse things that could happen to him . If you knew how much he loved his food and sex . That drove home to him he was dieing.

He set himself a goal he wanted to get to his 47th birthday in February he did and died 4 days later . At home in our bed with just me and our children. Anyone who says death is peaceful is a liar in my experience. My husband couldn't breath even on full oxygen he was a morphine driver which gave him a dose every hour. He was in agony and watching him die and getting more skeletal by the hour. Before he became unconscious he said all the things he wanted to us . I was lying beside him on the bed and told him to stop fighting we would be ok he died a couple minutes later.

The moment he took his last breath half of me died and still haven't been whole since. When he died my present and future died to.

The week before his death he made me promise a lot of things and to this day I have kept everyone. The main one was to live the best life you can

Our children where 20 and 16 when their dad died. Their grief is not the same as mine. Nor should it be.

I can't give you any hope the grief will ease but this is my experience others will disagree. The early days after his death I was on automatic pilot. Doing all the things that had to be done. It was an effort to wash and brush my teeth but had to do it. I would have loved to stay in bed all day and never wake up. But couldn't . I promised him I wouldn't.

Knowing I had to make a new life a new present and future is bloody hard and even to this day it can be a struggle.

What I didn't expect after he died was the anger and rage I felt. I expect the feeling of lose and other emotions. But the anger shocked me. I felt wicked feeling this way but come to realise it's normal.

I talk to my husband every day out loud from the moment he died. I have shouted ,swore and blamed him for dieing which to some may sound awful. But it makes me feel better. And I can see him with that stupid grin on his face. We both have tempers and both stubborn our children are the same.

But talking out loud to him everyday helps me cope with life. I talk about anything and everything. Been doing this for over 18 years . I am lonely but only lonely for him not because I live on my own.

I still feel half of me is missing,still consider myself married,wear my wedding ring,sleep on my side of our bed. And love him as deeply as when he was alive.

As the years have gone by the grief gets worse you just learn to cope. But have learnt if you try to contain the grief you are only hurting yourself. So if you want to shout out loud,swear rant and rave ,cry or hit a pillow do it. I promise it will make you feel better. I class early years of grief as 10 years. As that's how long I found it took me to come to terms with it. Others will disagree but this is my experience .

My husband will always be 47 I am now 64. The worst thing about my husband dieing is I have been ill or my life and when I was 29 it got very bad. So I was always prepared to die first . My darling man when I got very ill and wasn't unable to do some things just said we will alter our way if life to suit what you can do so we can be a normal family. Because if him I am like I am today.

Everyone grieves in their own way there is no right or wrong way. We all have to find our own way and it's hard. Making a new present and future is hard and doesn't get easier with age but this is my experience. I miss my husband more today than ever but because my wise man knew what I needed to live without him I have kept and still keep every promise to him and it's not easy. But I am the sort of person who keeps their word .

Do not rush into doing things only do what has to be done now. Everything else do when you feel you can face it. I slept with a toy snowman for the first 8 months as I couldn't stand the empty bed still can't. I couldn't sort out my husband's clothes until 8 months after his death and only because my daughter helped me.

I miss everything about our life together and at times feel cheated . I have screamed this shouldn't be my life . But it is and I live it to the full. After my husband died I wanted to move and live closer to my children but couldn't as I had both my parents and mother in law to look after. My mom was the last to die in 2017.

I finally moved nearly 3 years ago. I existed in my old house. I was wife the widow the kids mom and all the other labels. It was our house even though it was mine after my husband's death.

Moving on your own is hard but until I did I didn't realise I had lost me. Moving you take your memories with you. But moving for me is freeing. People here know me no labels. I no longer just exist but live my life to the full . I know my husband would be happy I still talk to him everyday and still see him . I only found out in April what is wrong with me and it's something I was born with and it's rare. The one person I wanted was my husband as without him and his get in with the life we have attitude and wouldn't be who I am today .

Losing the other half of you is so hard but you must give yourself time. Grief has no time limit. And there is no one grief as we are all individuals so is grief.

Time in my experience doesn't heal grief but you learn to cope. I still have wobbles and days when I just cry. So you must do what feels right to you.

Hope something I have said has helped. But this is my experience.

My thoughts are with you all as we are members of a club we didn't choose to join. ?

I lost the love of my life nearly seven years ago. He was only 63 when he became I’ll and died a year later. All I can say to you is that you won’t always feel this bad I promise. Awful memories become less sharp in the end. What has helped me even more than my family is my widow friends who I met at a hospice support group. It is so important to get out with people

Maw says it perfectly. Just five months down the line I am airbrushing the last couple of years of DH’s life and remembering and missing the man he was for most of our sixty years together. I most miss his unconditional love, his humour and his ability to remind me that I am not always right, and for the rest of my life there will be a huge gap at the centre of things.

Maw is right about it being the little things; I was almost undone in the supermarket when I realised that I need never buy Snickers bars again, though GD1, when I mentioned this, said firmly, “But you could buy them for me - Barbar always gave me Snickers”. Some traits are inherited!

I found DS’s recent wedding quite hard and wept in private later. We just have to soldier on.

It has been a long time since my DH died and I have found a new normal and I am happy now on my own but it has been a rocky road to travel.
I took comfort from my family and friends. They were the ones who were there for me when I was low.
I found I learned to just accept a bad day and do whatever I wanted or nothing at all.
I can't tell you things will be easy but now after all this time I can think of DH and our time together and not feel sad.
Take care of yourself Marilyn. Grief is exhausting ?

One of my close friends is going through the same thing. I try and phone her some evenings. I'm pleased that she feels comfortable enough to phone me and ask if she can come round because she is having a bad day. I have very limited mobility now and she doesn't live far from me, but she drives, so can be here in a couple of minutes. I put the kettle on, pass the tissues and let her talk, or not. She has been there for me when I went through some bad times and I feel as though I am now repaying her kindness to me. We have been friends for over 50 years and she knows when I ask her how she is, she doesn't have to pretend and put on a brave face.
I hope Marilyn and Su have friends that they can share their feelings with. I agree with Maw that it's the unexpected times that catch you out and the guilt of enjoying something without them. It does take time to get used to a new different and there is no set timescale either, everything at your own pace.