I am a widow

Hi @Whiff - thank you for your lovely reply . Yes I’d love to believe that me and mr B will be reunited in eternity but somehow I don’t buy into this either . It’s a lovely thought but how on earth would we find each other - practically I mean. Where would I meet him etc and would he recognise me because I’ve changed already . In just over a year I’ve lost so much weight , don’t bother with make up haven’t done anything with my hair and I’m sure further deterioration awaits me ! He might decide he wants me as I was and then I’d be stuck wouldn’t I ? I know I’m making light of this but the practicalities of seeing each other again I think are not going to work out . I remember him vividly in my mind . I’m concerned about being alone and making poor decisions- we made all our decisions together so this house business is all new territory for me . I suppose things can be a bit more impermanent when you are renting but with trying to juggle 2 properties which may or may not be ready at quite the same time , I’m not sure what to do . I keep thinking my heart is telling me go go for the house - I’ve had as many assurances as any normal person would be happy with . Nothing is 💯 certain in life , so I think I will put my trust in the process and believe the estate agent who told me I’ll be in during April . I will just need to reassess if it goes wrong . If it were only that simple in my mind !! My brain doesn’t work like this , it’s too full of what ifs and what happens if something goes wrong etc , but sometimes you just have to make a decision and stuck with it . There are pros and cons to both options actually, it’s just a case of picking one and sticking with my decision. If my DP was here , he would have stopped my anxiety about all this by now , so I need to try to think what would HE have told me to do ? I’m going to put decision making on this in hold for a month meaning I don’t need to think about it until after Easter . This gives me time to pause . Rushing into something isn’t a good idea and my dads happy for me to stay here with him for a while longer . I will try to relax . It’s overwhelming though when the realisation hits you that you’ve literally nobody to assist you with making pretty big decisions. This is something I struggle with and I realise that I miss Mr B so much more at times like this than I do anyway . I suppose making a poor decision if you’re buying something would be more serious . It’s all about getting used to a new life that you certainly don’t want isn’t it . Like you say , grief lasts such a long time , with you at 20 years then this is potentially me grieving for the rest of my life . I need to try to take a step back and learn to go with the flow a bit more . xxx

Ladysusiei you are bound to feel negative about things it's normal . Because of my neurological condition I have always had to make lists having things written down gives me control . I list things in priority they need doing and once I decide to do something I have to do it. But others with the same condition as me are the same. So perhaps writing things down will help you . It gets it out of your head onto paper. And you can see what you want and need to do .

I want and need my husband everyday but I can't have him . But he is always with me in my head and heart as an atheist what has always given me comfort is our children and grandson's have part of his DNA so he lives on in them . I know that's odd and I don't believe I will be with him again.

But lot of people have a religious belief and that helps them. My best friend was widowed a year ago in November they are Christians . I read some where if you find a feather in your home it means your loved on is near. My friend found 3 in her house and told her ,her husband was trying out his wings . It cost me nothing to say that but it helped her so she kept the feathers. She believes they will be together again and so she will. My parents believed but didn't like church as they both said you can believe but you don't have to go to church to do good. When mom was dieing I told her to stop fighting as dad was waiting for her unfortunately it took her all day to die. The last time I said it to her she died within 10 mins.

I still find it hard to cope at times after 20 years so give yourself some slack . I call the first 10 years of grief early years but that's me. Grief is the price we pay to love and be loved in return. Some people live there while lives and never find the other half of themselves. Even though we lost ours at least we had that. And that's what will get you through everyday. So don't be hard on yourself.

I have made bad decisions but nothing major but moving here was the best decision I could have ever made. My husband is still with me. But my bungalow is mine . My old house was ours and still the children's bedrooms. My old house became a mill stone round my neck and I rattled round it . I didn't want to be there . I could have could have been dead and none of my neighbours would have noticed. But here I went to stay with my brother and sister in law but didn't tell my neighbours they where looking through the windows to see if I was on the floor. They where relieved to see my daughter the next day and find out where I was . Once home again I went straight round to apologise and have told them when I go away ever since. I never had neighbours that cared before.

Do things at your own pace and don't feel you have to stop grieving because you don't but you can use that to get you through each day.

Whiff

Ladysusiei I am so sorry you didn't become a couple 40 years ago but had 20 years will your partner. I have said before when the love of your life takes their last breath half of you dies as well. The 2 of you made a whole. When they die not only do you lose them but your present and future. We always have the past but it's so hard suddenly to just be one person instead of 2. Sudden death you had to face is the worst kind. You had no time to prepare yourself. But saying that we always knew my husband would die and having to tell him to stop struggling because he couldn't breath was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to let him go . And no a single day of the last 20 years I haven't wished to have him back fit and healthy.

Not only have you to face the shock of your partner's sudden death but then before you can get over the shock but you have a whole host of decisions to make on your own. Even if you have family help it's you who has to make the final decisions. Then there's all the paperwork and funeral and solicitors to deal with. When really you want to curl up into a ball and cry until you are exhausted and shut the world out . But you can't.

I still after 20 years feel the rage and anger at my husband's death. But I use that rage and anger to get me through everyday . I talk out loud to him everyday and shout at him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face..

In my old house I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 every week night and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. Hence my user name .

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. I had no life from then not as a couple until he died. I had to find a life but because of family members needing me until they died I had no life.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises the most important one was to live the best life I can. He died in 2004 it wasn't until 2019 I could and that's because I moved over 100 miles from where we lived.

I have had to do a lot of firsts like anyone in a long term relationship and it's hard. But because of their love for us and ours for them you do it. But it takes time years infact. Even know grief can overwhelm me and take me back to when he first died..

Ladysusiei you need to take time to grief only do what you need to do. Don't try and be brave I did that and it only hurt more. People say time heals but in my experience it doesn't. You just learn to cope .

Grieve as much as you want and use that anger to get you through each day. And look after yourself as grief has a knock on effect of making any health problems you have worse.. I speak from experience. 💐

Whiff - we had a relationship 40 years ago which was really intense then went out separate ways - we wanted different things from life then . The relationship was always in our destiny though as we showed. We really loved each other so intensely I feel absolutely lost these days . I do try to channel my anger into making a better life for myself but without the support of my son and his wife I’m finding it so hard . I always thought we’d be a unit of 3 dealing our mutual loss , after all my DP meant so much to them , particularly my son . Maybe in time this will repair and we will be that little team once more - issue being now is loss of trust after feeling so let down .
I can only speak from the experience of sudden death . To me of course it feels so devastating and untrue I can’t think of anything worse . Mind you , seeing someone you love suffer is also devastating- I saw the effect on my dad when my mum suffered for 15 years . Neither way is better really . I just wish we’d had time to prepare life going forward. I’m making poor decisions on my own and not thinking things through properly- this house move being one of them . In a way I suppose it doesn’t matter where I live if I am on my own . My love just exists in memory only now , so this can be anywhere. I do need to make sure I am somewhere safe though which means putting the correct amount of thought in . I still don’t have absolute confirmation that it’s all going ahead yet so I’m not packing or getting prepared. I’m getting the removal company to pack for me this time as I can’t face doing it myself and I’m currently staying with my dad anyway. It’s not practical for me to do this quickly and on my own I’ll get myself in a real pickle . I just really hope I can get away fro my current flat which really isn’t safe and I’m not happy there at all. So fingers crossed hey ?

I often wake up fed overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and grief . My DP was the only person who really understood me as I’m a complicated person. This possibly accounts for miscommunications between my son and myself leading to trouble . I miss the easygoing feeling that no matter how bad things feel, there’s always the other half of me understanding. Now this is gone for ever and this scares me a lot .
I can’t see how time will heal all these particular hurts . I desperately need him but I know it cannot be .
You are right that grief affects your health. Physically I’ve been in bad shape since his loss . I have suffered with mental illness for many years and this isn’t Changing but it’s physically where I am feeling much worse . I can’t put my finger on it I just feel sick and horrible the whole time . If I felt physically stronger then I believe I could deal with the grief in a better way . I’ll miss him until I take my last breath- whenever this is I don’t really care at the moment. I realise I sound negative but the loss of the person who makes you whole tends to do this I feel …….

Ladysusiei I am so sorry you didn't become a couple 40 years ago but had 20 years will your partner. I have said before when the love of your life takes their last breath half of you dies as well. The 2 of you made a whole. When they die not only do you lose them but your present and future. We always have the past but it's so hard suddenly to just be one person instead of 2. Sudden death you had to face is the worst kind. You had no time to prepare yourself. But saying that we always knew my husband would die and having to tell him to stop struggling because he couldn't breath was the hardest thing I have ever done. I had to let him go . And no a single day of the last 20 years I haven't wished to have him back fit and healthy.

Not only have you to face the shock of your partner's sudden death but then before you can get over the shock but you have a whole host of decisions to make on your own. Even if you have family help it's you who has to make the final decisions. Then there's all the paperwork and funeral and solicitors to deal with. When really you want to curl up into a ball and cry until you are exhausted and shut the world out . But you can't.

I still after 20 years feel the rage and anger at my husband's death. But I use that rage and anger to get me through everyday . I talk out loud to him everyday and shout at him for dieing but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face..

In my old house I heard him drop both his briefcases in the porch at 6.30 every week night and shout hello Whiff and I would shout hello Hubs. Hence my user name .

I had been with my husband since I was 16 he was 18. I had no life from then not as a couple until he died. I had to find a life but because of family members needing me until they died I had no life.

My husband was a wise man he knew what I needed to live without him and it was a series of promises the most important one was to live the best life I can. He died in 2004 it wasn't until 2019 I could and that's because I moved over 100 miles from where we lived.

I have had to do a lot of firsts like anyone in a long term relationship and it's hard. But because of their love for us and ours for them you do it. But it takes time years infact. Even know grief can overwhelm me and take me back to when he first died..

Ladysusiei you need to take time to grief only do what you need to do. Don't try and be brave I did that and it only hurt more. People say time heals but in my experience it doesn't. You just learn to cope .

Grieve as much as you want and use that anger to get you through each day. And look after yourself as grief has a knock on effect of making any health problems you have worse.. I speak from experience. 💐

I am a widow. My partner died so suddenly and unexpectedly in January 2023 , I didn’t say goodbye. I fact so many things were not done . The only thing I’m pleased about is that we shared unconditional love right up until the second he died . We had our times of course when we disagreed , but our love is irreplaceable. The day he died I hugged him close and told him I was proud he was seeing a doctor. We thought he’d hurt himself falling downstairs, very sadly this pain was a lethal heart condition which we knew nothing about. No symptoms, nothing he was incredibly fit and active right up until that last day . He was 59 and I was 58 and we had been together ( for the second time ) for 20 years . We knew each other for 40 years and I will always think that we meant so much to each other right through that time not simply the last 20. He is the love of my life and nobody will ever replace him . I dont really know why I post on here about my wonderful man Baz but I felt he needed to be mentioned. I’m not the same as when he was here - I will always be waiting to join him , for eternity. I’ve fallen out with my son and like *Whiff
* I fear estrangement. I think there’s hope for us though , so I will try to be positive on this . His wife is expecting my first GC and it’s been a difficult pregnancy, combined with me being in mourning and this has led to tension and miscommunication. I’m shocked just how much a death can rock the whole foundations of family - I would never have expected this but there we go . I feel a sense of detachment from my loss at the moment and I’ve stopped crying . This certainly doesn’t mean I’ve stopped missing my man . No , my love is as strong as it ever was , I think I’ve put up a protective barrier to deal with the shock of realising my life has been snatched away . I sometimes feel angry. Why did he leave me , especially leave me so unprepared to make decisions and deal with life . But he didn’t have a choice did he . Somehow fate intervened in the cruelest way and Baz was no more . I’m devastated.?

Sending you my deepest sympathy .
I'm so sorry for your loss . 💐

GrannySomerset lovely prom. I went out on the 6th did shed a few tears before I went but nothing like the sodden mess I was on Friday. Had a lovely brunch at a local village I got to via local train . Got soaked but glad I went out. Went into a lovely wine shop and looked at all the single malts as that was my husband's favourite tipple. And thought about which one I would have brought him for his birthday . Which made me smile. Once home just thought about the mad cap things he did but also the love and life we shared. He was no angel but neither am I. We both have tempers and stubborn. The children followed us in that respect . I said the house should be called Bedlam . He was and still is the love of my life the other half of me. He could be a bugger at times but he was mine . Only hope my estranged son remembered my daughter never forgets.
Went to a garden centre yesterday for lunch with her and her youngest who's 3 and of course we had to try out all the sheds .

Once home she changed my bed for me he put the bedding in the washing machine and switched it on .And he loves my carpet sweeper so was using it.

Next week it's half term and going to the theatre with my daughter and the boys to see the Tiger who came to tea. I like the film version so looking forward to seeing it on stage.

So got through anyone year of anniversary for his birthday,date of our first date and his death. May would have been our wedding anniversary but I always think about all the things that went wrong that day it could have ended in disaster but everyone agreed it was a wonderful day and everyone had plenty to eat and drink. It was 1981 we catered for it ourselves and hired the church hall..Free bar as we got engaged when I was 18 and married at 23 my husband was 24. So my parents had years to collect spirts when they where cheap plus all my dad's home made wines and we had party sevens . Dad made a punch of his wines and put a bottle of brandy in it. Only my husband,me and my parents were sober. As I remember sweeping the hall at midnight with my mom while my husband and dad put all the tables and chairs away . And we made sure every was clean. Still makes me laugh doing that on my wedding night. Happy memories.

It’s a beautiful poem GrannySometset, thank you

There is a beautiful John Donne poem, entitled, not very originally, Song. It starts “Sweetest love, I do not go for weariness of thee” and concludes
“But think that we
Are but turned aside to sleep;
They who one another keep
Alive, ne’er parted are,”

Do look it up - it speaks to me so much, though Donne was merely writing about lovers being temporarily parted, I find that keeping DH alive in my mind so helpful.

💐Whiff. Enjoy your day out. I get days when I think I can’t cope, it doesn't have to be an anniversary, I have occasionally thought I can’t do this anymore. Then I do as you do, take myself out and know I was lucky to have had him in my life. It made everything so much harder when my d estranged me, but now I’m almost at peace with it, I keep telling myself it’s her life and hope she’s happy.
To everyone especially like Iam in the early days of loss a big supportive hug. I don’t think of myself as a widow except when I tick a box on a form, I’m still a wife in my head and always will be.

Woke up in tears at 4 for some unknown reason was having a dream about zombies. I ask you zombies I'm 65 not 15. No point in going back to sleep as my alarm is set for 5 as I have to start taking my tablets then.

Would have been nice to have dreamt about my husband it's not as if he was one of the zombies .

Going out for the day as I don't want to stay it. It's 20 years since he died still remember the exact time 1.27pm. Still remembering my daughter running out of the room and my son standing there frozen . I had kissed my husband for the last time just before I told him to stop fighting and we would be ok. So he was still alive . I know some people kiss their loved ones once dead but never could do that.

I remember my mother in law doing that when we went to see my father in law in the morgue at the hospital and I was horrified.

I told my son to leave and I couldn't cover my husband's face. I can't remember phoning the doctors and funeral directors it was like a dream . The district nurses came straight away and told us to have something to eat and drink . Remember making tea and toast while they washed and laid him out. The doctor came just after 3 and then the funeral directors arrived a few minutes after he went when I called again.

They where so kind and I remember them asking if we wanted to say goodbye but we had already when he was alive. They said close the living room door and said they would be back once they had taken his body back. They were very quick and if course there was a form to sign. Always paperwork even for the dead.

Once my husband left our home that was it . I know some people like to see their loved one at the funeral home but not us. It wasn't him just a body.

I had given the funeral directors strict instructions no one was to see him . His mother tired even though I told her no one was allowed. She never cared for him before death so why did she want to bother after he died. After the funeral she told people she never had a son or got grandchildren. She said it in my hearing and that of my mom and brother.

I hated that woman for 40 years but still looked after her . As without her I wouldn't have had my husband and she was the children's nan . They always keep in touch with her . She refused to go too their weddings. What grandmother does that?

My father in law had died in 1988 aged 70 , my dad 2007 3 years after my husband aged 80, my mother in law 2015 aged 91 and my mom 2017 aged 90.

I cried at both the children's weddings as the 2 men who should have been there my husband and dad weren't. But my mom had a ball. Danced until 1.30am at my daughter's wedding then stood on the steps outside the venue singing her heart out with a load of drunken Scousers. Mom was sobber . When my son got married 4 years later she danced until 10.30 . And at my brother's wedding in 2016 but only until 9.30. She had cancer and dementia but that day she was as sharp as she always had been . Next day back to how she became.

Funny thinking about how clear headed mom was that day.It will be her anniversary on the 11th of this month . But like with my husband it was a relief when mom died. As her mind had died 4 months before her body did.

Writing this down has chased the zombies away.

At lot of you it's still very early days but as long as we remember our loved ones they live on in our minds and hearts . Thinking about you all today and know you are not alone with your grief . 💐

💐 sincere condolences to you and your girls. They will support you through this very difficult and sad time.
Gransnet can help too. There are many on here who have been in your shoes and will help to reassure you and offer advice when you need it

I drop in to WayUp now and again. The members are supportive and kind.

Thank you Pammiel.

Pammie1

I’m so sorry for your loss Iam64. I felt exactly the same as you when my DH passed away - I knew I was now his widow but it just felt wrong to refer to myself in those terms. You’re still his wife and always will be, and it’s OK to think of and refer to yourself as such.

There’s so much you have to cope with right now - your whole life changes when you lose your partner, and it’s early days so it will all be very raw and strange. The best advice I had was to take things a bit at a time - one foot in front of the other and don’t look too far ahead. There’s an excellent online bereavement support group called WayUp - link is below. There are people there who are at various stages of loss and they have a wealth of experience to share. I found it a great source of support and advice. My sincere condolences 💐

Oops, sorry, forgot the link. Here it is.

way-up.co.uk/

I’m so sorry for your loss Iam64. I felt exactly the same as you when my DH passed away - I knew I was now his widow but it just felt wrong to refer to myself in those terms. You’re still his wife and always will be, and it’s OK to think of and refer to yourself as such.

There’s so much you have to cope with right now - your whole life changes when you lose your partner, and it’s early days so it will all be very raw and strange. The best advice I had was to take things a bit at a time - one foot in front of the other and don’t look too far ahead. There’s an excellent online bereavement support group called WayUp - link is below. There are people there who are at various stages of loss and they have a wealth of experience to share. I found it a great source of support and advice. My sincere condolences 💐

I’m almost 16 months on from my husband’s death. I’ve fiubd that, as other posters further on in this path said, I’m still his wife and always will be. I was blessed to find such a lovely man to share my life with. I miss him with every atom of my being, I’m less raw, weep less often but still find tears flowing unexpectedly.
I’m building my new life as best I can and doing ok but, I miss my old life which was full of love, companionship, shared history and most of all, our love for our adult children, grandchildren, family and friends. I count my blessings that I still have them in my life but his absence is with me

Love to all of us as we continue to make the best of life in their absence

Iam64
I too am a widow and keep saying George’s wife I can’t bring myself to say his widow perhaps itlcome

Dear Whiff, I've come late to this but can't just pass by without sending you a friendly (((hug))).
All of us who have lost a soulmate will understand how, no matter how many years on, a tidal wave of grief and lonely misery can rise up from nowhere and overwhelm us.
Your words have helped many on here in the past and I think there will be many cyber-hands held out in friendship to you now. Take good care of yourself and cherish all your lovely memories of your lives together.

Thank you all again so many of you it's still very early days for you all. I call first 10 years early bereavement. Like others my husband died young at 47 . He decided at Christmas 2003 when wanted to get to his birthday we promised him we would get him there. How he held on so long I don't know but like me he had a temper and was stubborn. We always knew from January 2001 he wouldn't live 5 years.as he had grade 4 malignant melanoma and had 6 tumours in the end. As those who are widowed know how lucky we are to find the other half of ourselves and to be loved and love in return. But in an instant life is never the same we still have the past but our present and future die. And it's hard making a new present and future. I had been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 18. He was and still is my world. I am still his wife and hate being classed as single as to me I will always be married.

Those of us who find out other half when young they are our world . I didn't know a life without my husband until he died. We had 29 years and married 22. But it's just as hard for those who had an independent life before meeting the other half of themselves as they become your world.

It's horrible to suddenly be on your own even with children and close family as your grief is different to theirs plus people who you thought as friends or loved ones disappear after the funeral . And other friends wives act as if you are after their husbands if they offer to do any jobs for you. As if anyone can replace the love of your life.

Until your other half dies doesn't matter if you have been together a year or 50+ or if they are same or opposite sex. The pain is the same like being torn apart. But because of the love and life together you learn to cope because you realise how lucky to have had them in the first place. Some people are lucky enough to find that other half again but I have never wanted to even look . As no one can replace my husband. And as you know they are and you are the only person in the whole world who knows the real you and you them .

Grief like love has no time limit . I still feel the rage and anger that he died but I use that for good it gets me through everyday and I try in my way to help others in anyway I can.

Talking out loud to him everyday helps me but Friday I couldn't do it think that added to how I felt. And I don't want to not talk to him ever again.

Thank you all and you are not alone with your love and sorrow. 💐♥️

Thank you for reading my post and the hugs. I feel ok today even though it would have been the anniversary of our first date in 1975.
Tuesday will be 20 years since he died but am going out for the day as I don't want to have a day like yesterday as I cried that much my eyes where sore. I woke on my husband's side of his bed this morning which I haven't done since the first couple of years after he died.

I am estranged from son his choice since May 2020 when he dumped me via email. He also dumped our side of the family. He just hope he remembered it was his dad's birthday and it will be 20 years since he died on Tuesday.

At least my daughter remembers and texted my several times yesterday to check on me. She has her own grief to contend with.

While my grief is with me everyday it just lives inside me and it overwhelmed me yesterday. It can overwhelm me at times but nothing like I felt yesterday. I don't scare easily as a lot has happened in my life before meeting and since meeting my husband and after his dead. But yesterday I was scared I haven't felt frightened since 2017 when I had jaundice and found out I could have died. I was seriously ill for 5 months and needed someone 24/7 and their was no one . Since I was 11 I have cared for people . I looked after my nan of a weekend when she was ill 2 aunts used to look after in the week. I loved my nan so it didn't seem strange.

I was born disabled but never felt it until high school when I was bullied everyday for 5 years.

My extended family never made me feel strange and different from my brother and cousins. I was lucky I had a man who loved me and my disability didn't bother him even though my father in law told me I was defective.

But because of my husband and my family our children had a normal upbringing and having a disabled mom didn't hold them back or make them targets for bullies. We taught them to fight back as I never wanted them to go through what I did.

My husband wanted me to live the best life I can and I couldn't do that until my parents and mother in law died . So only lived my life since 2019. But I live it to the full.

As usual having a ramble which probably doesn't make sense but it helps me cope writing things down.

Sending a hug and some tlc to all who need it

Whiff sending you a hug

Please be kind to yourself

My condolences to all those who are bereaved

Whiff - it is so hard. People think we get over it, but we don't really - we find ways of living with it, but it is there at our core. Anniversaries of all kinds are both painful and precious.

Two days ago it was the 4th anniversary of my OH's death and without family around me popping in and sharing a trip to the grave, I would have found it impossible. And it is hard to register that 4 years can have gone by.

I know that your husband was young when he died and that people will think it is history for you - but I truly do understand that it is not - not at all. But he is a part of you.

Sending a hug x