Does it get easier?

I’m 21 months since my husband died. I miss him completely. I miss his presence in the house. I miss him when I walk the dogs, go to the shops, watch tv, cook for one, watch the euros, go to vote - yes all the time. I’m doing ok building this new life but I’d love my old life back.
Yes Doodle, I accept there’s no getting over it, we do our best to live with it 💙

Doodle ,Iam64 and anyone in the early weeks ,months and years of the lost of your other half of yourselves. I have said it often it's the heavy price we pay for loving and being so loved in return. There is no cure for grief but it takes time to learn yo live with it . Please give yourself time and never fight your feelings . I would never won't anyone to hurt themselves the way I did by thinking I had to be brave for everyone else I was a fool but at 45 I never knew what bone crushing grief was.

Grief can effect your physical and mental health no one ever tells you that . I found bereavement group useless and only went because my children thought it would help. As no one understood what it felt like for me . At least on threads here you can be yourself and even if no one reads what you write I have found writing it down stops the feelings you feel at the time festering . Once written it's out of your mind.

Unfortunately we can't have our old lives back with our other halves . As much as I didn't want to tell my husband to stop struggling as he couldn't breath on full oxygen I had to and he died few minutes later. He was in agony and had been for months but only the 2 of us knew how much . He was like me stubborn and had temper and decided at Christmas he wanted to get to his 47th birthday we promised we would get him there . He died 4 days after. I wish he had died earlier but it was important to achieve what he wanted.

You want to shut the world by out and not be bothered with anything. But as we all know death gives no time to grief properly as there is so much paperwork and people to contact. Then there is the hiatus waiting for the funeral even then after it it's there still more paperwork and waiting for probate to go through. Plus well meaning loved ones and friends thinking you need company and going out when all you want us to be left alone . I was glad when the children left home they had to live their own lives as they have their whole lives ahead of them and I no longer had to pretend I was ok. It's exhausting pretending. I never wanted them to know how I felt as they had their own grief to contend with .

I didn't want to be bothered with anything but I had no choice what course my life took. I couldn't abandon my parents and the mother in law I hated with every fibre of my being but they needed me . So did what my family always had done looked after those that needed it.

It was like walking through treacle every day and night . I step forward and 4 back. I have said before I existed my life was over but it was my choice to look after them I couldn't not it's the way I was brought up you looked after family and those that needed you.

I didn't realise how much I lost myself and how much it damaged my health. But I would do it all again because you can't change the past it's gone.

Making a new present and future is hard and I think those of you who where together longer it's harder as you had been a couple for more decades than me . And I think the longer you are a couple the longer it takes to come to terms with being on your own . So pleased give yourself time and if you want alone time tell people you do.

I have found I don't want to not feel grief as it's the rage and anger that I feel over my fit healthy husband dieing that gets me through another day and how I cope with whatever life throws at me and boy I have had things I never thought would happen to me happen .

The best thing I ever did since my husband died was move to the north west and found me again and finally living the life my husband wanted for me . Be 5 years next month since I moved to my bungalow. But you take your memories,love for your other half with you and your grief with you . But at least I have a life again . I no longer exist but live my life to the full. But my grief gets worse as the years go by and still overwhelms me at times . But my life would be the poorer if I hadn't had the love of my life for as long as I did.

So pleased give yourself time and never fight your grief and take comfort in anyway you can if it's a good cry ,blaming your loved one for dieing lost track the times I have done that ,screaming ,shouting or hitting a pillow what ever you need do it. And when you need time to shut the world out do it . Only you know how you feel and what you need to get through each day. But never give up on living we owe it to our other halves to live the best life we can and it's hard but do able . ❤️

Thanks Whiff such a thoughtful post

*Iam it’s really hard isn’t it.

I am two years down the road and personally find it’s no easier I am so lonely. I am more fortunate than most as my lovely husband and I adopted 3 with Down Syndrome and they are still living at home. They are the reason to get up and get moving! I feel for all you ladies please stay strong.

I’m blessed with two adult daughters, their children and even their wacky partners. I tell myself I have family and friends so not lonely but that doesn’t stop me feeling alone. The absence of my husband ever present

Fartooold your adopted children got lucky to be with you and your husband. It must be hard for you to cope on your own. Loneliness is awful. I can be with people but still be lonely.
Iam I have a lovely family and friends too but I want my special person back. I’m doing my best to go out and meet people. That bit is a little bit easier now but the times when the loss overwhelms me I find hard to get through.

Fartooold, Iam64,Doodle and everyone here . It will never get easier when you haven't got the other half of you . If my experience is anything to go by. 20 years since the love of my life died. In the early years I used to count it by days ,weeks and months . I have said before I call the first 10 years the early years of grief. And wanting and needing the other half of yourself only gets worse as you get older as they have missed so much . But we have to get through each day the best way we can because we have to live the life they would have had. And that's what they would want for us and it's bloody hard .

20 years on the grief can still overwhelm me but I let it as I realised I was a fool trying to be brave ,but what did I know about bone crushing grief at 45.

Nothing prepares you for the overwhelming feelings of total loss. They are frozen in time at whatever age they died. But we age . They say with age comes wisdom but that doesn't apply to grief. Grief hurts me more now than when my darling man took his last breath. He was very wise my husband and knew what I needed to live without him and that was a series of promises he made me keep and I have kept everyone.

The rage and angry I feel everyday as it was my fit healthy husband died and I have been disabled from birth and still here. I was prepared from 1988 to die first when my health got worse. I thought it will be fine as he will look after the children and always be there for them. But they would have to watch him when I first died as I knew he would drink to much to take the pain away.

I am lonely but only for my husband . Even after the children left home 2 years after he died I wasn't lonely or frightened living on my own . But then again I didn't have time as I had both parents and mother in law to look after. I didn't have a life any more . I existed . My house was just a house it wasn't home the moment my husband died. I didn't have a home again until I moved here 5 years next month. And finally I am doing what he wanted most for me and live a full life . I found me again I didn't realise I had lost me .

Because I instead of us it's hard to cope with to be me . When you are with the love of your life, your life makes sense . When they die nothing makes sense . Nothing is easy anymore and you second guess yourself all the time . I still put my hand on his side of the bed expectancy him to be there. When we have good or bad things happen in our lives they are the first person we want to tell .

Hand trembled.
And can't but I still talk out loud everyday to my husband and I swear ,shout and rage at him for leaving me but I see him with that stupid grin on his face. And know because of him I can carry on with my life.

I am an atheist but what gives me comfort is our children and 5 grandson's have part of his DNA so he lives on in them . It was so hard when my first grandson was born as my man wanted to be a granddad so much. So I promised my grandson I would love him twice as much and he would know about his granddad.

I love all my grandsons for him and me . But as some will know my son decided 4 years ago to give me the boot as his mom . I haven't done anything thing wrong and will never understand why. But my son was cruel and cowardly as he did it by email . My grandsons with him and my daughter in law will be 8,6 and the youngest who I don't know his name or exact date of birth he was due in July so I always wish him happy birthday on the date he is now 4.

Luckily I have a wonderful daughter ,son in law and 2 grandson's one aged 6.5 and his brother will be 4 in November.

We are the lucky ones to have found the other half of ourselves some people live their whole lives and never have that . That's why it hurts so much for all of us . We are half a person .

Fartooold you and your husband are and where wonderful people and it's doubly hard for you with your 3 children . My youngest uncle had Downs and he hero worshipped my dad his big brother . And when my dad died and my aunt had to tell him he gave up and died exactly 2 months to my dad. He was 57 . He was born in 1950 but he always lived at home and went to special school then to a workshop where they made things for the charity. And he had what he called his wages every Friday they gave them bit of money . He was 8 years older than me and when I was 8 and my brother 7 we used to take him to the corner shop to buy his comic and sweets. He was 50 before they found out he was born with a hole in his heart.
Thankfully Downs children are better looked after and have proper health checks at birth . But it must be so hard having to explain why their dad isn't home with you and them . You should be very proud of yourself and your husband not many people would adopt disabled children. You must be very special . ❤️

Never give up wanting to live I know it's hard but I have never wanted to die . I have come close to dieing through jaundice in 2017 and that made me more determined to live . But I realised how alone I was for once in my life I needed looking after 24/7 and there was no one and that was the first time I felt frightened living on my own . It's was few weeks after my mom's funeral and just thought life had caught up with me and my body was telling me to rest. I couldn't see I was yellow. The 5 months when I was so ill I made 3 decisions what I wanted out of life it was only move ,loose weight and get fit . And have done all that. Because my husband never lived here I have a home again. In my old house I heard my husband come through the front door at 6.30 and drop both this briefcases in the porch and shout hello Whiff and I shouted hello Hubs. I saw him everyday sitting in his armchair. But here as my armchairs are identical I don't see him sitting but when I see him his by the french doors and at Christmas he is by the tree which my 2 grandson's decorate it. Christmas was his favourite time of the year he was like a big kid . But he was mine .

Love like grief never dies and you will find ways to cope but you have to give yourself time . There is no right or wrong way to grief but your way whatever it is .

My heart goes out to you all but know you are all stronger than you think I know it doesn't feel like you are but you are . Please believe it . No matter what you face in your life know your husband / partner is with you and always will be. You have your past and making a new present and future is hard but you can do because you where given unconditional love and gave it in return and that is so precious.💕

Thankyou Ladies for your lovely posts I have realised that it probably won’t get much better so I am just going to keep going and take care of my scallywags as their dad would have wanted.
Take care.

I lost my DH in July so I still feel so so raw and vulnerable.... I feel I'm just filling in time, don't really want to go on... Today would have been our 51st wedding annuversary, I'm heartbroken and lonely........
Does it get easier, I sincerely hope so.

Sorry but it helps to offload to like minded posters. Thankyou ❤️

Our 62nd today, NannyG, and the third without P. Just as bereft but I recognise that nobody wants to know now so I will look and sound as normal as I can - even though I am not.

It’s so sad that you feel no one wants to know about your grief GrannySomerset. Maybe risk talking to a close friend or loved one about how grief doesn’t simply go away because time is passing.

NannyG4, your in the immediate aftermath of losing your husband so feeling raw and vulnerable is exactly where you’re most likely to be. I’m 20 months from my husband’s death. I feel less raw and most days less vulnerable than in those early days. I’m bereft, I miss him so much, I miss our interesting, happy, ordinary lives together. I’m doing the best I can to live this new life well but of course, I preferred my old life.

NannyG and Granny Somerset, sending virtual hugs. I cannot imagine what is must be like for you. My husband is a bit older than me and recently I have been thinking a lot about him dying before me.

I'm also thinking of Doodle and Kalu, who have lost the partners recently.💐

It doesn't get easier, it just gets different. I'm coming up to 7 years, because it upset my dog ( who mourned in the most heartbreaking way) I bottled up my grief to the point that even now I can't cry. I send my thoughts to all who are grieving and I would say its your grief express it in the way that is right for you

All the firsts are so hard but then again so are the seconds and every anniversary or birthday. For me it's Christmas which is hard as my husband was a big kid and loved Christmas. But I made a pact with myself the first Christmas 2004 without my other half that I could cry and be sad on Christmas eve but not Christmas day and have kept to that every year since .

When it would have been our 40th wedding anniversary I wanted to look at our photo album but couldn't it was just to hard but did few days later but I had to laugh about all the things that went wrong that day it's a wonder we got married this was May 1981. When my husband died we had been together 29 years married 22.

He was 47 when he died and for 14 years the 2 weeks run up to his anniversary was like watching an old black and white film I relived everything that happened it hurt so much . On the day of their dad's death both children text so they never knew what I went through but on the 14th year my daughter phoned and it all came out how I felt and she told me I should have told her. She told her brother and he phoned and said the same thing. So I decided I could allow myself to wallow in grief on the day but I had to let go of all the rest. And have stuck to it .

NannyG4, GrannySomerset and Iam64 here you can say anything you like and you will be heard. Only someone who has the other half of themselves dies can understand how it feels . And there is no time limit on grief or love . My grief for my husband gets worse as the years go by but my love for him has never lessoned . He is still my husband and I am still married and always will be . Still Mrs and hate being classed as single . But the rage and anger I feel over my fit healthy husband getting cancer and dieing gets me through everyday without him . Use whatever emotion you feel to get through another day then a week has gone by a month then a year. I am lonely but only for my husband.

Those newly widowed I know how hard that is the worse thing I found was all the paperwork that has to be sorted out within days of your loved ones death. When all you want to do is curl up on the bed and shut the world out but you can't. It's a frenzy of activity then the funeral and then you find people you thought of as friends and some relatives disappear as if your grief is catching .

I was 45 when widowed and suddenly wives hated if their husbands offered to do a job for me and they came to as if I was out to find a replacement for my husband. I never understood that attitude .

Also when out shopping you people may avoid you if they see you. This happened to me few months after my husband died by then I was 46. I woman I knew very well saw me stopped dead in her tracks and darted into a shop. The now me would have go in after her and asked what was her problem. But at 46 I just felt hurt and continued on with my shopping.

I have written a lot on this thread perhaps some of my old posts will help you all even in a small way. But I would encourage you to talk out loud everyday to your loved one . I have blamed my husband for dieing ,swore at him etc but I always feel better . In the early days of widowhood I didn't go out everyday and I was worried if I didn't talk out loud I would lose the ability to speak nuts I know but it's how I felt..

You all need some me time where you shut out the world and have a good cry or shout out loud like I have done this shouldn't be my life. When the other half of you dies your present and future die to. And making a new present and future is hard and takes years to get used to. Making decisions as a couple was easy even if you disagreed until you reach the same decision. Making decisions on your own is hard as you second and third guess yourself.

But as I often say we are the lucky ones to be so loved and love in return and found the person that completed us and together you make a whole. The moment my husband took his last breath half of me died and haven't been whole since. But you learn to cope . I still sleep on my side of the bed and put my hand out and the bed is empty.

On special dates do what feels right for you ignore everyone else just do what you want. I am an atheist but my husband lives on in my children and 5 grandson's DNA and that gives me comfort. If you have a faith and that comforts you then embrace it. My parents where Christians but they didn't believe you had to go too church to worship and my mom always said the worse people she knew growing up went to church twice on Sundays but would give you the dripping off their noses. Weird turn of phrase but that was my mom . My dad was more earthy and said they wouldn't piss on you if you where on fire. They both said they did more good than any church goer they knew.

People may suggest counselling but in my experience it doesn't help. My children wanted me to go to a bereavement group which I did to please them but it was useless the woman had done a 12 week course and was married. The nearest person to my age was a 68 year old man and the woman where in their 70-80's. When the children left home 2 years after their dad died son to uni and my daughter back to the city she got her degree and had meet her future husband. I wanted them to go as I told them they had to live their own lives. I could finally stop going to the group. The children never asked me if it helped only was it ok. I don't tell lies as I can't do it. So said yes. They were nice people but no help my children never knew and still don't.

I did this cross stitch as it's how I think of my mom and dad and how me and my husband would be except he would have to hold me closer as I have walked with a stick since I was 29 .

Forgive all the typos and should have explained about the picture at the start. I forget it appears at the top🤦🤦🤦🤦

notoveryet- my dogs were grieving as well. My female spaniel had low mood, didn’t want to walk. The young male lab took to growling, snarling to warn any man approaching me to keep away. His sensitivities were heightened. I lost confidence, they picked up on that. Thankfully, we got through these behaviours but it was tough

Thank you ladies for your words of wisdom, it is ? nice to connect with people who really understand. Counselling may help but the best support comes from people who are in a similar situation. I am afraid the pain is due to the fact that you loved someone so much. I still talk to him and ask his advice ( yes I am daft) Just got to get over this month first anniversary of our son’s death, thankyou ladies for reading, take care all of you

Su22

It is 18 months since my husband died, people tell me it gets easier, but it's no easier in fact it is getting harder and harder. Lots of people turned up to his funeral which was lovely to see but where are they now I can count on one hand the people that have kept in touch. It's four days since I have spoken to anyone I realise it is Easter and people have their own things to do but life is pretty lonely, just need someone to tell me it will get easier and life does go on.

Slightly different, but not for me it hasn't. When my daughter died, around 100 people came to her funeral, and despite it being what it was, it was lovely to see so many thought a lot of her,; although where they were when she really did need them is another matter.

I'm now living alone, nobody to split the bills with, in a house that's mine but on benefits can't afford to maintain it, and barely anyone comes to see me other than my carers - I have 45 minutes to get my words out for the day, and I hate it!

Dogs do have the same emotions as humans. I don't own a dog or any animal but I know from friends their dogs know when they aren't feeling well as they stay close by them. I have heard anyone grieving their dogs are more protective. My sister in law has MS their dog knows before she does she is having an episode as she doesn't leave her side the day before it happens and doesn't want to play ball.

Young children grieve as well they pick up on everyone's emotions . It's not just they miss their dad ,mom or grandparents even from 18 months they notice things are different. They don't understand, but feel it as well. That's why it's so important to talk to children about your loved one has died.

People will disagree but this is my experience.

I tend to agree with you notoveryet about it not being over just different. Last year I was going through all the eight year anniversary things and midsummer to early autumn I experienced a fresh wave of grief I was not expecting. It quite knocked me for six.

MadeInYorkshire I am sorry this has happened to you but it's what happens . People expect you to get over your grief but there is never any getting over it. My home wasn't home when my husband died it was a house . And I longed to move but couldn't as I couldn't abandon my parents and mother in law who I hated for 40 years. We all have a moral code we live with and I couldn't leave and move to live closer to my children. My life was put on hold I existed and didn't live. It took me until I downsized and moved over 100 miles in 2019 to have a home again . I live in a lovely 2 bed bungalow I own and had it done exactly as I wanted it to make it safe for me as I was born disabled.

I found me again and love my life here . Plus having better healthcare. I am finally living the life my husband wanted for me he wanted me to live the best life I can and I do.

Could you downsize . My bills are cheaper and only heating one level makes a big difference to winter fuel bills .

I am so sorry your daughter died but I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel because I don't. Only someone who has a child die can truly understand what you are going through. There on people on here who have a child die and I know on some other threads on this forum I will try and find the ones that do .

The thread below this one has parents who have had children die and earlier pages on this thread

I'd just like to thank everyone who have posted on this thread. I have read every post and have been moved emotionally with each one - for the selflessness of many who continue to care for children and other relatives whilst themselves suffering from unending grief, and the strength they have to continue to live the best life they can under dreadful circumstances. Love to you all.