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Bereavement

Getting rid of the anger

(64 Posts)
Woodle Tue 18-Jul-23 08:19:17

Just that. I am angry, but there's no one to aim the anger at. All I have left is cemetery visits and it's very difficult to be demonstrative in a graveyard. But I get angry about that. I get angry about everything - because, I suppose, I can't do anything about Carole's death.
It's taken me three days to actually write this. Hopefully, soon, I'll manage to come to terms with reality.

Nanatoone Wed 19-Jul-23 13:31:54

I think our experiences are the same, only different. It’s nearly four years for me and I found myself distraught this week as it was our wedding anniversary. The previous ones have gone by quietly, acknowledged it not celebrated. My sympathy to anyone losing a child, it must be unbearable.

inishowen Wed 19-Jul-23 13:43:39

So sorry I don't know your story Woodle. I think it would be good if widows and widowers could set up a group to talk things through. Only those who have walked in your shoes can understand.

Luckygirl3 Wed 19-Jul-23 14:14:27

I am guessing that the circumstances of a death impinge in the degree of anger we might feel.

My OH died 3 years ago, and his death was my choice. The girls and I decided he had suffered enough and that his pneumonia should be allowed to run its course and bring him peace. If I feel angry about anything it is the loss of his/our retirement and the misery he suffered for so long before he died.

There is a part of me that does not feel angry but takes comfort in the fact that life is a cycle and we are all simply at different stages of that cycle.

Impotence can make people feel angry - being powerless to prevent or influence what is happening when someone's life ends is very frustrating.

I am sorry that you are having to deal with this anger Woodle and finding it so hard at the moment. I hope very much that this will pass in time and you will have some peace in your life.

Luckygirl3 Wed 19-Jul-23 14:15:43

inishowen - there is a group for widows and widowers - it is called Way Up: way-up.co.uk/

Whiff Wed 19-Jul-23 14:27:44

Luckygirl3 you can still have peace in your life even if as if you are like me and still feel the rage and anger . Glad you found peace. But it's the rage and anger that has gotten through all the things I have had to cope with since my husband died. Rage and anger is not a bad thing it's what keeps me fighting everyday. At the moment it's targeted at PIP and the fact I have been battling for 35 years for some disability benefits which I have been entitled to since 1988. And been waiting a year for a PIP tribunal date.

We all find out way to cope with grief and no way is wrong . We all know what we need to face another day without our loved one.

Inishowen if you read down the other threads on this forum there are other threads which are mainly widows and widowers. I am on several along with other names I recognise.

Whiff Wed 19-Jul-23 14:31:48

Luckygirl3 looked at that some time ago GN suits me better as it covers things that are effecting my life. And no they are not all negative things. GN covers such a wide variety of things that interest me.

sharon103 Wed 19-Jul-23 15:01:10

I suppose I'm lucky in that I've never felt anger after a death.
I lost my dad suddenly. He had been up to visit me and on his way back home he suffered a heart attack and died.
My mum suffered with dementia for a number of years and ended up just like a baby.
My brother died almost two years ago with various illnesses that he had to bear over a few years. Finally ended up bed bound. He had no life. Just existed.
In the case of mum and my brother when they died I asked myself If I would have wanted to live like they did. My answer was no. I found peace knowing that they had now found peace.
It doesn't stop me missing them or grieving them but in my heart of hearts, and I'm not a religious person, I just hope we will meet again in some form in another place.
I have photos of them in my living room and find comfort in talking to them all.
Try talking to photos of your loved ones and tell them just how you feel. It might just help release your anger and feelings.
We never get over our loss, never forget. but eventually learn to live with it.
flowers

every night before I go to bed.

sharon103 Wed 19-Jul-23 15:03:11

Ooops that should have said :
I have photos of them in my living room and find comfort in talking to them all every night before I go to bed.

geeljay Wed 19-Jul-23 15:16:07

Grief is the power reflecting the love you have lost. I lost my wife 7 years ago,and have missed her every hour of every day since. She was a gransnetter, and I stay on here to continue the contact. As Thos Hardy wrote "
I did not know, that heydays come and go,
But deemed what was would always be so."
I too thought it was for ever

queenofsaanich69 Wed 19-Jul-23 15:26:55

I am so sorry for your loss and sadness,remember she never had to live without you,you are saving her that pain.

Batworthy Wed 19-Jul-23 15:28:13

Losing a loved one is so unimaginably painful, but the loss of a child seems to me the most cruel blow anyone can suffer.
We are not meant to bury our precious babies.

knspol Wed 19-Jul-23 15:45:07

It's been 14 mths for me since losing my DH so I do feel your sorrow and send my very best wishes to you for some better days before too long. I thought I'd been through every emotion but never anger so far. I guess all these things come to us at different times. I do agree with Skydancer in that I've 'never been whole' since.' I suppose we have to find a new way forward although I'm still not ready for that, it seems like a betrayal at the moment.

Anniel Wed 19-Jul-23 16:23:19

Why do I cry when I read Woodle’s post and those of other Grans who have suffered the awful loss of a loved one? Is it that we just so loved the one who died or is it the loneliness of being alone and the fear of dealing with life’s problems with nobody else you can share them with. My three children will never know how bereft I feel without my husband. He dies of malignant melanoma only 3 months after diagnosis. Everything is etched on my mind, the day he died and his funeral and the way I wanted to be alone that night when my children were there to comfort me. That awful loss happened in January 2009. I still cry and lots of things set me off. Just a piece of music or missing his soundness when dealing with financial stuff. He shopped and cooked and all I ever did was to be our social secretary to keep up with our friends and arrange interesting travel. Sorry to carry on but this is one place I know that people understand grief and so many of us suffer because someone we love has gone and cannot come back.

Whiff Wed 19-Jul-23 17:09:24

Anniel my husband had a malignant melanoma grade 4 diagnosed in January 2001 and given 5 years to live . Bet you felt like we did it was like living with the sword of Damocles hanging over us. He died in 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday he had 6 tumours. 3 in his right lung , 1 in his chest and 2 by the optical nerve. In the end even on full oxygen he couldn't breath and was going blind. His last day he was home with me and our children . I told him to stop we would be ok but there is never being ok he died a few minutes later. Grief is my constant companion. I am lonely but not because I live alone but because I am lonely for him.

Grief can overwhelm you when you least expect it. But never fight the tears as it hurts to fight them better to let them flow.

geeljay people expect men to be brave and don't realise just how hard it is for you losing half of yourself. But you are like everyone else grief hits men just like women . But like everyone else we lucky to have been so loved and to love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never find the other half of themselves. We are the lucky ones we did and that is something to cherish.

Shawlands2000 Wed 19-Jul-23 17:09:38

So, so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter 6 years ago tomorrow to complications of MS. I must say, I didn't feel anger as such, more a great sense of unfairness for the life she didn't get to live. It took a long time for it to sink in that this was forever, she was never coming back. If I had any kind of religious faith, it might have helped, thinking we might meet again. But I don't. I think of her every day and take comfort in all the happy memories I have of her. My heart goes out to you. ❤️x

Summerfly Wed 19-Jul-23 17:29:37

Woodle, I’m so sorry for your loss and I feel so sad for you. I hope you’re finding some comfort from all the positive messages on here. Sending hugs. 💐

Anniel Wed 19-Jul-23 18:16:14

Whiff thank you! I feel like you! Melanoma is so cruel!

Wyllow3 Wed 19-Jul-23 18:24:08

Woodle flowers and thank you for speaking of anger which is so understandable and natural yet often not "socially acceptable". (or one fears it is not)

Lindaa4 Wed 19-Jul-23 18:39:30

11 years since I lost my son, I am so angry all the time, If I catch him in a photo it sets me off crying so much. I don’t really like anything in this world anymore. I have to try for my other children and grandchildren. The enthusiasm for life has gone, I force myself to do stuff I don’t want to, but others want to. I don’t want to spoil it for them. I know I am sort of detatached but inside I am seething at the unfairness. I don’t really know how to behave

Whiff Thu 20-Jul-23 11:25:34

Lindaa4 I don't know your pain. But losing a child is the worst kind of grief. You and your partner made your child and you carried him and if like many of us you loved that child growing inside from the moment you knew you where pregnant. But also the worry starts. Once safely delivered you give unconditional love and support to your baby and watch him grow. Protecting the best way you can. Unconditional love can never be switched off and no parent should outlive their child . But unfortunately it happens all the time. You don't realise but the anger you feel gives you the strength to keep going everyday. You may think you enthusiasm for life has gone but it hasn't. You live everyday the best way you can because your son isn't here anymore. You live for the life he should have had. And he you want you to carry on living your life to the full. I don't know you or how old your son was but you have children and grandchildren who need you just as much as he did. Live the life he should have for his siblings and nieces and nephews.

The pain and anger will never go and if it's how I feel about my husband it gets worst as the years go by. So use it to live the best life you can. I talk out loud everyday to my husband as it's given my comfort since he took his last breath. Talk to your son it may not give you comfort but try and see if it does . 🌹

crazyH Thu 20-Jul-23 14:06:37

My heart goes out to all who are grieving. Every loss is tough, but losing a child must be unbearable. 💔

Summerfly Fri 21-Jul-23 13:42:25

I talk to my baby girl every day. Just 4months old when she died. We woke up one morning to find she had gone in her sleep. That was 54yrs ago. Far too precious to ever forget. It doesn’t matter how old they are. 💔

Chameleon007 Fri 21-Jul-23 16:20:08

I'm in tears reading all your posts but at the same time feel comfort. 50 years ago we lost our son at 9 months old. His heart wasn't correctly formed and he had a broken oesophagus. But now it's 7months since I lost my husband, of over 52 years, who had a heart problem. I found him laid on the floor so didn't get to hold his hand or say goodbye, as he passed. 10 weeks later my father passed in hospital at a great age of 102 years. I did hold his hand as he passed but he was still trying to cling to life. My two rocks gone in just over two months. The house means nothing too me so with my husbands ashes I've moved into the caravan in the garden with my cat. I feel so lost as no one to have deep conversations with as I did my Father. No one to hold me or my hand and have a silly laugh with as with my husband. In short it is so hard taking each step day by day. I've had counselling but I feel they don't understand me. After caring for my two rocks I've gone back to church where I feel the vicar and church friends understand my grief.

Whiff Sat 22-Jul-23 07:44:04

Summerfly I can not imagine the pain you feel. But glad talking to your daughter helps you. I hope you had other children. But they can never replace the daughter you lost. At the time of her death I imagine people said to you ,you can always have another child as if that would replace the child you loved and lost. Hopefully attitudes when it comes to the death of a child have moved on from 50+ years ago.

Unfortunately attitudes to the death of a husband or partner have not. My best friend became a widow in November and as many of us know so called friends and family disappeared and some unthinking ones think she can replace her husband. One of my daughter's friends said after my husband died your mom can get a cat. My daughter soon told her a cat cannot replace her dad.

Chameleon 50 years ago there was nothing they could have done to save your son . But he must have been a fighter to live for as long as he did. A very strong little boy. I hope it gives you some comfort how far paediatric medicine has come on since then.

The death of your husband and dad so close today is heartbreaking. And can well understand your feeling of not wanting to be in your home. After my husband died even though I still had my son living at home he was 16 and our daughter 20 was in her final year at uni and came home to help her brother through A levels. But it never felt like home . My husband was my home ,my life ,my rock. Both left for good 2 years later son to uni and my daughter back to where she went to uni. They both went to the same uni. But I wanted them to go. I told them both me and their dad had our life it was time to live theirs.

My dad died in 2007 3 years after my husband aged 80 . But my dad hated what his body had become and broke my heart when he used to point to his body and said this isn't me. He died in his sleep after a massive heart attack. My mom never realised he had died. When she woke just thought he was asleep and only realised he was cold after she touched him when she was dressed even then it didn't sink in. I never lie but had to lie to my mom that day when she asked if dead bodies had the same look on their face . My dad's face was frozen in massive pain plus his bladder had released. Mom never knew .

Like you I could talk to my dad about anything think . He told me about periods and facts of life not my mom. Dad had been in the St John's ambulance for 30 years. We never told anyone after my husband's cancer was removed he was given 5 years to live. As he never wanted and one to treat him differently . As he said dead man walking. Only me and our children knew but I am sure my dad did but he kept our secret . My parents gave my husband the love and attention his own had denied him.

I went to a bereavement group only because my children wanted me to thinking it would help me. I was 45 nearest to my age was a man 68 all the women where in their 70-80's. And the woman who ran it was married and done a 12 week course. Just glad my children never asked it helped they just asked was it ok. I don't lie so truthfully said it was fine. They where nice people but didn't help me one bit. This was 2004. I would never advise anyone to go too counseling as only a person going through the same thing can understand how you feel.

I only talk about things I have experienced myself. I do not know the pain of losing a child through death but I do know the pain of losing a child through estrangement. My son's choice not mine I never saw it coming he choose to give me the boot as his mom via email. It's a living grief which I have been living for 3 years.

But the grief for my husband far outways what my son has done.

We all have to find a way to dealt with our grief but in our own way. Time does not heal as some people think . For me it makes my grief worse my husband has missed so much . He always wanted to be a granddad we have 5 grandson's but only see 2 of them my daughter's boys.

Nothing can prepare you for the bone crushing grief of losing half of yourself,it's a grief that only gets worse over time and for me I have never been whole since my husband's last breath. I call the first 10 years of widow or widowerhood early grief as I found it took me that long to come to terms with it . But this is my own experience. To be honest I didn't have time to morn my husband properly. I was 45 and thought I had to be brave what a fool I was . Then my dad's health was failing and helped mom nurse him . While looking after her and my mother in law. Mom was depandant on me for 10 after my dad died. Plus my mother in law out lived her son by 11 years. She denied she had a son or grandchildren children. She didn't have any form of dementia she was just an evil woman as was her husband. He died in 1988 aged 70. But went my husband lived he never gave up on them and because of him I didn't give up on his mom . She died in 2015 aged 91 . My mom lived with me the last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Mom died long before her body did . She died in 2017 aged 90.

We all have to do what we can for those we have lost . But it's only after they die do we realise how much it has cost us healthwise. But we all have to do what our consciousnesses will allow as we have to live with ourselves.

I existed after my husband died and didn't have my own life until after my mom died and moved 100+ miles to live closer to my children . And found me again. Because of the love of my husband and my love for him I am living my life to the full. Only took me from 2004 until 2019 to achieve that.

As hard as it is we owe it to our loved ones to live the best life we can. But grief can be overwhelming and hit you at the strangest times. My grief for my husband and the rage and anger are my constant companions but it's what gets me through everyday and living the life I long denied myself.

Grief is a pain which all here live with but whether you realise it or not it makes you stronger and makes you fight to live everyday. As I have said we are the lucky ones to have been loved and love in return. Some people never know that joy . I have a friend who has never had that.

Never think you have to be brave you don't have to be. Just get through each day the best way you can. Scream, shout,swear or hit a pillow do want ever feels right to you . I shout at my husband for leaving me but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and it makes me smile.

Take care of yourselves as grief can make you forget that. You will learn to cope but it takes time. 🌹

Summerfly Sat 22-Jul-23 12:12:37

We all have suffered loss Whiff and yes, I have had two more wonderful children. Thank you for your kind words 💐