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Bereavement

Getting rid of the anger

(64 Posts)
Woodle Tue 18-Jul-23 08:19:17

Just that. I am angry, but there's no one to aim the anger at. All I have left is cemetery visits and it's very difficult to be demonstrative in a graveyard. But I get angry about that. I get angry about everything - because, I suppose, I can't do anything about Carole's death.
It's taken me three days to actually write this. Hopefully, soon, I'll manage to come to terms with reality.

Chameleon007 Sat 22-Jul-23 15:55:35

Whiff your post is so understanding. I don't feel anger that my husband has passed but feel so sorry for him because he was 6 months short of a big birthday which he so wanted to celebrate. A few of us went for a meal on what would have been his big birthday and called it his day. Appropriate cards were bought but we wrote our thoughts and memories in the cards. The cards are in a box with husbands ashes. May sound strange to some but we all grieve for loved ones in our own way. I think it helps to cope with the loss.

lemsip Sat 22-Jul-23 16:06:25

Luckygirl3

inishowen - there is a group for widows and widowers - it is called Way Up: way-up.co.uk/

Just giving this a push up front.

Whiff Sat 22-Jul-23 19:28:04

Chameleon grief is a personal thing and you where celebrating your husband's life on his special birthday. And the cards reflexed that celebration.

I kept all the cards and letters people sent when my husband died. But when I was decluttering my house ready to move I let them go. I hadn't read them since my husband's funeral and it was time to let them go. But my husband's ashes are in my wardrobe and will be sprinkled in a pretty place with mine by our daughter. I kept my dad's for 10 years and my brother and me sprinkled them on the side of the river Severn by the hut they used to picnic in. We did it at dusk one summers night.

My friend visits her husbands grave everyday to talk to him and that helps her.

No way to grieve is strange it's what feels right to you and makes you feel happy about the life you shared.

Whiff Sat 22-Jul-23 19:30:48

Summerfly glad you have 2 wonderful children. But you still remember your first and that's precious memories you will always have.

Woodle Wed 02-Aug-23 15:56:53

Once again, thanks for all your messages, which make me feel better as I discover that I'm not the only angry bereaved person around.
It's later now, but the anger hasn't gone away. The raw grief seems to have dissipated but no - not the anger. Nor the gratitude for having known her in the first place, and that's the feeling which seems to be winning, slowly and surely. I feel that's what I'm going to end up with. I'll be happy with that.

Whiff Thu 03-Aug-23 06:54:29

Woodle the anger I still feel over my husband dieing keeps me going every day along with the love we shared. I think I need the anger and to be honest I would be lost without it. It makes me fight to do what I want everyday. The raw grief does fade over time as you find ways to cope. But it's hard . But because of our loved ones we have to live the best life we can for them. We owe them that . We are lucky to have been loved and love in return. Some people live their whole lives and never have that.

But even after 19.5 years grief can suddenly over whelm me and find tears running down my face but I don't fight it and let it run its course.

I still shout at my husband especially if I can't do something as simple as open a carton or bottle. I shout where are you when I need you. Then I see him with that stupid grin on his face and use the anger to find a way to open whatever it is I want . Using whatever method I can. One day it was my postman as I couldn't open a bottle of bleach. 😄.

Grief is as individual as love . There are no rules for either. Whatever gets through each day is right for you.

But remember to look after yourself and put yourself first . And only do what you want . Keep popping in so I know how you are .

Woodle Thu 03-Aug-23 07:16:17

I'm still here and still alternating between grief attacks and staring into space. At least I'm more used to the quiet house now. Once again, thank you for all the messages - they really do make the world seem friendly again.

Whiff Thu 03-Aug-23 09:32:42

Woodle before my husband died and after the children left I never had the radio on. After a few months couldn't stand the silence so brought myself a radio.and listen to Classic FM from when I wake at 5 until I have my lunch then put TV on and do my cross stitching. If I am in. My daughter put Spotify on my phone so sometimes I listen to that instead.

I always thought it was the children who where untidy until my husband died and realised it was him. Even though he had a study. He used to sit in the arm chair while I watched TV .
With his laptop on and files all round his feet and a pile by the side of the chair.

I used to hate ironing as my husband had clean shirt 7 days a week plus all the children's shirts etc. And when he died I really missed ironing his shirts every week.

It's still very early days for you Woodle It's hard learning to life on your own . I hate being classed as single as far as I am concerned I am still married and hate if someone puts Ms instead of Mrs. When talking about my husband I don't always use the word late but at times have to. But late was one thing my husband never was like me he was always early for everything.

It's still early days for you. Time doesn't heal but it does help you learn to cope. 🌹

Redhead56 Thu 03-Aug-23 10:37:27

I know anger I felt it when my dad died very suddenly aged 66 he was my hero I adored him. I still miss him and feel some anger but it fades with the passage of time. I look at my DS he is so like my dad in a lot of ways and I get comfort in that.

Woodle you are feeling anger for your loss it’s your defence mechanism you are bruised and hurt. Take comfort that your loved one is at peace now she had you in her life. You have your memories and they will live with you forever.

maddyone Thu 03-Aug-23 10:52:28

Woodle your post made me cry. Losing someone you love is the pits isn’t it?
Sending you warm thoughts. I don’t know who Carole was despite seeing you post often, but you loved her and you miss her.
I lost my mother twelve months ago this month. I think of her and miss her every day. We didn’t have an easy relationship but I loved her. I feel guilty because others on here have had much worse losses. They lost their life partners or their children. I live in fear of that happening.
I’m so sorry Woodle for your loss flowers

Woodle Thu 03-Aug-23 13:05:58

You know, all these reponses are so comforting. So it isn't just me after all. I still suffer from tears in the eyes syndrome, but I feel less lonely. Thank you.

adelebrown68 Wed 11-Oct-23 03:35:07

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Whiff Fri 13-Oct-23 17:17:06

The last 2 days been watching Shetland from the first series.

It made me remember asking my son years ago when does grief end he said properly 20 years.

In February it will be 20 years since my husband died. But I don't want the grief to end . Without the grief I wouldn't be me. It's shaped who I am as being so loved and loved in return has made me stronger I have done things I never thought I could. But it's my husbands love for me and me for him that gets in through everyday. Still the rage and anger is there with the grief. If I lose those I lose him all over again . And I never want to lose him he is still the love of my life and still the half of me that's missing.

Like I have said on many of the threads on this forum grief can still overwhelm me and it has today . So having a good cry and I know I will feel better.

Also writing here is making me feel better as well. Thank you if anyone reads this.