Lonely

Missiseff

I've got my husband, family a friends but without my two estranged adult children and two grandchildren, I'm incredibly lonely.

This.
It’s so hard to admit as it seems to diminish what I have, but estrangement does feel like bereavement. I love my husband but I morn my daughters and five grandchildren.

My husband died thirty six years ago at the age of 67. I was63 we had let the bungalow and we’re travelling Europe by caravan. We were very close and devoted. Living in a caravan for ten years.
my son brought me back to U.K. because I did not drive lived in the van for a year until the tenant left.
The place was a wreck so I spent three months living in the caravan on the drive for three months while I completely redecorated and renovated the furniture all by myself. Then I started to visiting my son in California and niece in Barbados and going on coach holidays. Had to give up when I was 82 because of arthritis and that was the last time I did any decorating. I just cannot understand these widows who give up everything when they lose their spouses.

Mogsmaw we on the support thread on the estrangement forum call estrangement a living grief. But I have found there are many types of grief.

The worst is the grief you feel for the other half of yourself the one person in the whole world who completed you and you made a whole. Doesn't matter if you are different or same sex been together a year or 50+ the loss is the same . You are never whole again. Love and grief for your loved one never dies but you learn to cope. But the grief can still overwhelm you after years without that person. The only person who knew the real you and you them.

Grief for loss of health whether that's physical or mental or both.

Grief when a parent dies.

Grief of a child which must but the worst . But I can't say how that feels as I only talk about things I experience.

Grief for friends and other relatives who die. And the concern for their loved ones.

Grief for a much loved pet.

People only talk of grief as if someone dies. But bet others can think of more grief's than me.

But grief for the other half of you as horrible as it is means you have loved and been loved. Some people live their whole lives and never have that. We are the lucky ones to have had it as hard as it is once that person dies. And some people are lucky enough to find that again. But my husband was my one and only. I have never wanted another man in my life. No one would ever be like my husband. We met when I was 16 and he was 18. My disability never phased him he loved me. Unfortunately in all our years together I was never able to get a diagnosis to what was wrong with me . But he kept his word and we where a normal family even though that meant when my health got worse when our children were 4 and 6 months old. I went out in a wheelchair. As he would never leave me behind.

Last year I finally had my diagnosis I was born with a rare hereditary neurological condition. Already found out I was born with a hole in my heart in 2020. I am now 65 . And because of my husband live a full and happy life. He's love keeps me going everyday. Yes I am still angry and still have the rage over him dieing but I use that in a positive way.

3.5 years here too. Mostly I manage OK. I am heavily engaged in my village community: chair of school govs, trustee of Village Hall, run a choir and sing in another, design programmes and publicity. Very busy.
Have a lot of pain and physical limitations. That is very hard.
Hardest is going out to events and meetings and watching everyone else go home with someone or to someone ... that stings.
I have treasured DDs - 2 local, and wonderful GC. I live them all dearly and they love me
I am very lucky.
Am I lonely? Yes, some of the time. Do I miss my OH? Yes and no .... I do not miss the man he became due to illness ... and there were years of that. Do I miss the man he was? Yes.

luckygirl13

you have certainly been through the mill and your journey has taken its toll. I like that you are a survivor

Me too, I have three AC and they are all so loving and thoughtful, 2 dd and 1 ds. Always there for me, albeit pre-arranged visits as some travel is involved. I speak virtually to them every day, without effort via whatsapp and my son rings without fail every week from scotland

It is nice to have adapted to my situation now, without living in the past

I lost my DH eighteen months ago and would certainly agree that the second year is harder than the first. I was writing to a friend recently and found myself saying this: “The trouble with bereavement is that, in the early stages, you find yourself fighting against the loss, rather than owning it. When your instincts tell you to go headlong with the grief, let it floor you, you look for ways to combat it, not to let it define you; to rationalise it and show people that you’re dealing with it. In the end you’re fooling no-one and least of all, yourself. There’s nothing rational about it”. With the help of a lovely supportive family, I am trying to build something new without him after the fifty six years we had together. I do miss being part of a couple. It’s early days for me and I do my best, because he would expect nothing less of me.

It's been 18 months for me and every day since has been a day to endure. There has been an occasional day when things seem to have gone OK with not so many tears but waking up every morning alone and going to bed alone are pretty much a torture and a time for tears. The violent sobbing has given way more to tears that come any time any place and also to a deep sadness. I miss him so very much. Small problems which wouldn't have bothered me before have become causes of sleepless nights and constant worry when I have noone to share them with. I've become a bundle of nerves almost frightened of my own shadow and totally lacking in confidence. Neither of us were particularly sociable we were happy to just be together so no friends to go out and about with. Very difficult to build new friendships at my age when I don't have the confidence to join groups etc. Easy to know what I should do to move forward but much more difficult to take those first steps alone.

Such brave brave women.

The title of this thread is “lonely”. When I was active even though I lost the love of my life I was so busy with many friends and acquaintances I had no time to be lonely. Now Since I have been housebound and outlived my friends I am LONELY The only people I see or have a reasonable conversation with at all are my helps for an hour or so daily. The neighbours some of whom I have known for thirty years only came to see me at Christmas and my 100th birthday. My family who all live miles away are busy with their own lives and the only contact I have is via my IPad.

Reading these threads I am so glad I never re-married after my very brief marriage ended.

I had a number of "friends with benefits" relationships which ended because the other party wanted a level of committment I could not offer. For me a partner is an important part of my life but cannot be the entirity of it. I am whole within myself and never longed to be one of a pair or to support that level of intimacy.

At the heart of it was the fear of losing my sense of self in a relationship. Closing my eyes to my own dreams in order to support someone else's. Then, when the person dies, you sit about like an antique clock with the mainspring gone.

Oh ladies, your stories are heartbreaking and inspirational in equal measure.
💐 for you ALL.

Even though I posted earlier - after reading more on this thread I would like to disagree with the belief that you need a man to make you whole. NO!

Every woman should have self-reliance, self respect, self-confidence to know she can embrace life (and feel good!) with or without a man.

Now I realize women our age come from a different era when getting married was the only goal in a young woman’s life, and perhaps have children.

Today, to that, I say rubbish. Now I also realize that some women evolve into their own being and self-worth as they mature. You are NOT your (late) husband. There’s no reason to carry around the mantle of thinking that you are not worthy of happiness because they are gone.

This thinking will keep you from prospering and finding your own purpose.

I think you're missing the point Gundy. I have never thought I need a man to make me whole, I was not brought up to believe my goal in life was to get married or have children, I have never thought I am not a person in my own right. BUT I have lived with a very good man who I loved deeply for over 50 years and I feel his loss very much and it's knocked the stuffing out of me. It has nothing to do with self worth.

Gundy have you loved and found the other half of yourself and then have them die?

I didn't need my husband to give self respect ,self reliance or self confidence. I got those on my own but I also got the never ending love ,friendship ,lover,father to our children the only person who knew me inside and out and I knew him. We both had tempers and told stubborn. But we never argued about important things but we did argue. My husband was my rock and I was his. When my health got worse it didn't phase him . He adapted our house so life was easier for me . The children did everything every child did with their parents. Their lives where filled with love and attention.

When my husband was told he had 5 years to life he cried in my arms every night for a week until he fell asleep. Then I could cry. He made sure the last years of his life was lived as normal. Only I and the children knew he was going to die. He didn't want anyone to treat him as in his words as dead man walking. He didn't fear dieing but he did fear people treating him differently. When he was terminal what he feared happened so he cut those people out of his life.

He used to wake in agony in the night and would hold a pillow over his face until the morphine made him sleep so our children didn't hear him screaming.

His last day he couldn't breath on full oxygen I had to tell him to stop fighting and we would be ok . He died minutes later.

Gundy have you been through that?

My husband was my one and only because of our love for eachother a true love . Together we made a whole . We faced my things in our 29 years together . But we did it on equal terms as a team . I enriched his life as he enriched mine.

I miss him everyday but because of our love I live my life to the full. Yes I feel like half a person but because I haven't got that true love anymore. I still reach out in the night for him and never want to lose that.

Because of him I am who I am . He died in 2004 aged 47 I was 45 . After he died I had both parents and mother in law to look after while being ill myself. Mom was the last to die in 2017. And had my own brush with death myself that year. But because my temper and stubbornness and my love for my husband and family . I survived jaundice. But I didn't know until my gastrologist discharged after 5 months people with my bilirubin levels normally died.

Everything I have done since then I have done on my own . But since my move to the north west my whole life changed for the better. But still miss my husband everyday. Still love him . I talk to him everyday have swore at him and even blamed for dieing but have been doing this everyday since he died. Then I see him with that stupid grin on his face. I imagine him saying feeling better.

Many here will understand how I feel . And those that don't kept you opinion to yourself.

I'm in week 1 of year 2 of widowhood. DH and I knew we were super-lucky to have been together for 59 years. Once we'd clapped eyes on each other, there was no going back and we were a team.
Now, I function, I can be diverted, but really I feel hollowed out. I'm still in wet hanky territory and probably always will be. I know there are so many the same, men as well as women, like my dad was, for instance, after my mum died. That's a sort of comfort to me.

Whiff, I’m sorry you suffered and grieved so much.
There’s a beautiful life out there for you.
God bless.

(I did sign on to GransNet so I could read everyone’s opinions…)

Gundy thank you. I live a full life. I moved to the north west of England and never know such wonderful people. I go to a sit fit class on a Monday. I am the youngest in the class at 65 oldest member is 91. Sit fit isn't an easier option for exercise as we have a good work out sitting and holding on to the back of the chair but it's fun and everyone encourages each other.

Thursday afternoon 2 hours of my craft group. I cross stitch. It's a mixed media group we are an odd bunch all different and funny enough apart from one doesn't have multiple things wrong with us. I was born with hereditary Hyperekplexia gene mutation SLC6A5 type 3 plus a hole in my heart and have paroxysmal atrial fibrillation. But on tablets for both which help.

Because of my neurological condition which ironically only got my diagnosis for after moving here and put on a tablet to stop my limb jerks and siezures. My old neurologist could have done both things but didn't.
My husband said he needed a suit of armour instead of PJ's as I had the limb jerks in my sleep as well as awake. But when my health got worse in 1988 he just said we alter our way of life to suit you and be a normal family. That was the sort of man he was . He keep his word until the day he died.

I have know people who's husband or wives had walked out of them because they became seriously ill. But that shows they didn't love them.

My husband said I married you in sickness and in health. He was cheeky my man when I got worse in 1988 he said I always knew you where damaged goods but still wanted you. I told him on our first date in 1975 I had constant pain my legs and fell all the time. But he didn't care.

We had a brilliant life together but his love keeps me going everyday.

I hope you have love like that in your life.

Just over four years since I lost my DH after 53 years together. We did everything together and enjoyed each others company. We did argue too and he was a stubborn man at times but we laughed a lot.
I struggled through covid isolation not long after his death which was really difficult, not being able to see family until I bubbled with my daughter and her family. I felt angry at times because he had left me to deal with all the things he used to deal with. He was very handy at DIY and now I do it myself or get someone else in to it.
My family are always in touch and I’ve just spent the day with brother and his wife and sister and husband. Had a lovely time but always feel like the third wheel.
I always remember my mum saying when she lost my dad, she hated going out with couples which I couldn’t understand at the time. I said no one would know you were on your own and she said ‘but I knew’. I now know exactly what she meant. I miss my DH every day, sometimes in fondness, sometimes in sadness, now and again in anger that he went first but always in love.
After much agonising I got a little dog a year ago and it’s the best thing I ever did. She’s helped me in so many ways. Making friends while out walking, she’s my companion in the evening and she shows me so much love.

Rileykids, there isn't a time limit to grieving. We don't have to be good at it, either. Why do we expect ourselves to do well, keep it together, adjust and adapt, carry on cheerfully etc. - when our whole lives and identities have undergone a metamorphic shift?

I thought of grief as a very heavy backpack. Sometimes I could step out and away from it, leave it on a shelf for a time. Still, I had to return to it, carry it, aware of that awful weight, on a daily basis.

Gradually (very gradually) the weight decreased. Sometimes it would disappear, yet return unexpectedly, at the most awkward of times.

I still feel that it's around here somewhere. It's just a light little thing now, the remnants of a former life and identity. It's mine, it's comfortable, I know and understand it well - yet other's just don't get it at all.

Here is a link to the Chatty Cafes that Gin mentioned thechattycafescheme.co.uk/

The programme also mentioned Talking Cafes, but when I searched for a link, they seemed to only exist in Somerset. I am sure that is not correct.

M0nica

Here is a link to the Chatty Cafes that Gin mentioned thechattycafescheme.co.uk/

The programme also mentioned Talking Cafes, but when I searched for a link, they seemed to only exist in Somerset. I am sure that is not correct.

I had a look and found this: thechattycafescheme.co.uk/find-a-chatty-table/#lat=54.47440229590476_lng=-2.87629554999999_z=5 It goes to a map which seems to show many Chatty cafes - even one in Shetland! However I did not explore is as the Cookie notice did not give an option to limit choices, which I prefer to do.
Hope it helps.

Very much so. My husband of 47 years died on Christmas Day 2019. I miss home so very much. I miss his support, his kindness, his laugh, his love.

I know what you mean. Sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I think what is life about. I have family but yet I feel at times I’m alone - I’ve lost all confidence in myself too.

Polnan, I recommend you risk replying "only so-so". You will maybe find someone else who is brave enough to tell the truth and shame the devil.

When the other half of you dies in my case I lost half of me. It will be 20 years in February since my husband died. But I have found my grief has gotten worse as the years go by. Just learn to cope. But it can be overwhelming at time so I don't fight it and let it consume me . I found if I fought it it only lasted longer. So going with it and let the tears flow and shout out this shouldn't be my life or swear at my husband for dieing it's out of my system and I can face life without him. I learnt the hard way trying to be brave and only hurt more. But I was 45 when I was widowed what did I know about death and how bad it would be when he died. I was born disabled and have little hole in my heart. But didn't get my neurological condition diagnosed until last year as it's rare and only found out about my heart in 2020.

When the other half of you dies it doesn't matter if you have been with them a year or 50 . You are never the same person. And suddenly you have to live a single life. Being a couple isn't easy but has great rewards . I was 16 and my husband 18 when we met. What did I know about life without being a couple.

One minute you are two and then one. We always knew my husband was going to die he was given 5 years he lived 3. When he became terminal he did everything in his power to make it easier for me when he died. He wrote lists and pinned them in the study who to contact as soon as he died . Yes it did make it easier but for the less than 4 months he lived after being told he was terminal they mocked me. I know that sounds odd how can lists mock you but it's how I felt.

I hate being classed as single to me I am still married. Even after all these years and still hate the empty side of the bed . But because of him I get through everyday . To love and loved in return is precious. He was the only person in the world who knew the real me and me him. He was and still is my everything.

I get very annoyed with people who think there is a time limit on grief . It's the angry and rage plus the grief and love for my husband that gets me through another day.

Use whatever emotion gets you through everyday. But as hard as it is live your life to the full not just for yourself but for the other half of you who has died . And don't expect to be the same person you were because you won't be.

To grief means you have loved . Some people live their whole lives and never know a true love. But the love you shared grief is the price we pay. 💐