Is it ok not to attend the funeral of a brother?

Absolutely fine. However if your sister wishes to feel involved most funeral directors will now arrange for live streams or recordings. When both my mum and my aunty died we live streamed the funeral to their youngster sister in Canada.

Sorry for your loss

Tanith, condolences on the death of your brother.
We have a similar situation, as my lovely sister in law's funeral is to be in a couple of weeks.
It will be a drive of over 4 hours, and although we have been offered a lift by our daughter, I feel that I am unable to attend, due to my total lack of stamina these days, and I know it will floor me.
So, to my great regret I have decided to stay home, and hopefully be able to watch on line.
Your sister must do what she feels most comfortable with.

Perhaps watch/organise a live stream? We did this for dh mum funeral. Sad time - sorry.

I think what you plan happens a lot Tanith. As we grow older and lose our stamina and fitness and faced with long journeys, cannot consider them, no matter how dear to us the dear deceased was.

My DF and his sister were close but lived 500 miles apart. When she died he was already quite frail and, despite my DH offering to drive, my DF felt the journey was too much so did not attend the funeral. Everyone understood.

I don't think going to a funeral is necessary, people grieve in their own way

If they weren't close, it would probably be more her coming to support you... So let her if she wants too but I think you have handled this beautifully

Thank you all, such a lovely group of people you are I really appreciate your support.

I agree. It is a long journey at 81, and not really straightforward either from Wales.

I have known family people who have felt that they could not attend a funeral of a relative, and they did not. Instead, a peaceful day was spent remembering, either at a church or quietly at home.

I thinks its fine for her not to go

Sorry for your loss. It's fine. If you are happy to do so, you can offer your sister's condolences to his widow. Not all families are close and not everyone is in a position to attend funerals a long way from home.

It’s absolutely fine. Don’t stress yourself. If you make it clear you are representing your sister, as well as attending yourself, then nobody should have any objections.

Winter White's comment is spot on. Only your sister can truly know,

Hope it all goes well for you and the family. Yes, online streaming is most acceptable and is becoming much more common now. Sit near the front, so that your sister cam see you on the screen.

Its often said that funerals are for the people who are left behind and not for the one who died. So you should do what you feel is right for you.

I was estranged from my mother for the last two years so I carefully arranged to be "abroad" for the funeral.

I have very little contact with the rest of my family so I dont give a stuff what they think.

Personally I have arranged one of those "no frills" cremations because I think they are a waste of money.

Perfectly fine. Nobody will come to mine as I'm having a direct cremation when the time comes. Funerals belong to the mourners and nobody should feel obliged to go.

I'm sorry to hear this tanith

your sister is 81 and it is a big drive for her or her son, I personally think it is fine for her not to go. A lot of funeral directors will live stream funerals now if you request it as we all have family scattered everywhere these days

I would hate to think that anyone had a stressful journey to come to my funeral. I would prefer they just thought about me on the day...with kind thoughts.....hopefully.

I have hated all the funerals I have been to so I really want the very very simplest for my own, but whatever my daughters want will be what it will be.

So I am with your sister and it's very much OK not to attend. I hope she will have a peaceful day at home and that her family will understand.

It depends whether she would regret it for the rest of her life and feel sorry she didn’t go. She won’t get another chance. If she is ok with it, fair enough. No one likes funerals but when it is a close relative Amaybe she should go ?

I think it’s fine. I had a similiar thing with my brother who died last year. He felt out with his daughter and didn’t really bother with the rest of us. I went to the church service but not the after bit. Felt ok about it. I’m not 81 though and it was twenty minutes away for me.

Hi tanith,
First of all , many condolences .
This is purely up to your sister .
If the journey is too much for her - it's completely understandable .

However , a member of my family flatly refused to come to the funeral of an elderly member due to some offence taken .The whole thing is purely in her imagination and has caused me a lot of angst .
And I wonder if she has closure and will eventually regret her decision .
I think that she will .

I wasn’t close to my brother as an adult and I didn’t attend his ppl said I should because he was my brother but like I said yes he was but he didn’t bother me alive so why would I would remember him in a thought at home. So no if you don’t want to go don’t feel guilty. You and your sister could light a candle and eat his favourite cake etc and remember your close times

As you live so far away, why not find out whether there will be an on line service which you can watch as it happens at home via the internet. We have done this several times and it offered at most funerals

I do think it is acceptable that she doesn't attend, but perhaps she could phone your Sister in Law and say she doesn't feel able to attend due to the distance. Don't leave till the day and she doesn't turn up your Sister in law might feel slighted.

An old friend died recently and her funeral was held last week. As we're in France at short notice it would have been expensive to fly to the UK plus the cost of an hotel and car hire plus finding someone to look after a newly acquired dog.

Her husband understood completely and, since there were other people like us who couldn't attend the funeral a video link was arranged. So, we sat in front of the computer, watching the Humanist service. It worked very well and both of us had hankies to hand.

I presume your SIL knows very well that neither you nor your sister found your brother particularly easy to get on with, and with the distance involved your sister at her age is entitled to not attend, especially as in order to get to the funeral and back she would need to be driven by someone who would have to take time off work to do so, and, presumably have to forfeit either a holiday day or a day's wages to help your sister.

You will be there on both your own and your sister's behalf, and have done as your SIL asked regarding early memories.

In your elder sister's place, I too would remain at home, but if I got on well with my sister-in-law I would mention now that it would be nice if she would come for a short visit somtime during the coming summer.