My husband and I don't want a funeral when we die

I read today, that this May bank holiday is called the Celebration of Life day. In the article a number of people were debating if we need this day. One argument was that a growing number of people are not having funerals, and lots of friends and relatives feel the cannot grieve properly as they felt they didn’t say goodbye. So a day they can celebrate the life of someone would help them.
My husband died in August 2022 and organising the funeral helped me get through the following weeks but on the day I really didn’t want to go through with it. I did and I was enormously comforted by the kindness and compassion of all the people who attended. It was so nice to hear everyone talk and say nice kind and funny things about my husband.
So as many say a funeral is for the living but that can be a good thing to be able to be comforted and saying goodbye to loved ones.

My husband definitely doesn’t want a funeral his mind is made up. I am undecided.

I was talking to a friend about this and she wants a big funeral with loads of people and she wants them all to be crying and wiping their eyes and saying what fun she was and how much they will miss her. We’re all different. 🙂

My Church funeral will be short, nothing to draw it out to add to anyone’s grief. Prayers, no hymns sung, no music. Followed by burial in the churchyard.

I can't remember anything much about my daughter's funeral, mercifully.

It's all a terrible blur.

MissA

We both want a funeral service because of our faith, but I understand why there are some who prefer the simplicity of 'Pure Cremations'.

Germanshepherdsmum

My Church funeral will be short, nothing to draw it out to add to anyone’s grief. Prayers, no hymns sung, no music. Followed by burial in the churchyard.

Sounds rather like my Mum’s funeral and it was short but very sweet.

She died during Covid and we were only allowed a few people. 9 immediate family and a RC Priest, graveside funeral 10 days before Christmas. The sun shone, it wasn’t too cold.

The Priest said prayers and he sang a short piece in Latin because he said singing was not really allowed even though we were outside in just about the freshest air in the country!

We all had red roses to drop in the grave. Had we been allowed a church service it would have been packed because everyone knew Mum and she was much loved in the village.

We weren’t allowed a get together afterwards so we just stood in the car park, had a chat and a hug and went home.

I realise that many people don't see it my way, but each to their own.

There's room enough for everyone with their own unique thoughts and ways.

Indeed Yongy each to their own and you've said this is what your husband wants too, and your children have accepted your decision.

I'm inclined to go the other way, GSM and to insist that all my favourite hymns are sung. That will take a long time because I'm our church organist so I have a lot of favourite hymns!

I just don’t want to make it any longer than is necessary, thinking of my son Septimia. There is music (definitely not pop music) and there are hymns I would like but I don’t want to prolong things for the sake of my son. The speaking of Psalm 23 will do me nicely. I have never understood those who want to make a statement with a pop song, but each to their own.

I agree GSM- the pop songs are for the wake. If you're having a church funeral then the human voice singing hymns with maybe an organ is appropriate because piped music is awful in most churches.
It is also awful in a crematorium, which to me is nothing but a conveyor belt.

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

Isn’t it selfish to do something which will upset your children? Isn’t your first duty to them rather than medical science? I imagine they would be distressed by the idea of your body being dissected by students.

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

I'm worried they wouldnt want my body.
Then nobody would want me!!

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

Just be aware that you need to have a plan B in place just in case they don't accept the body when the time comes. This can happen for a number of reasons. My mother had stipulated she wished her body to be donated to science, but when she died, they already had their full quota of bodies and couldn't take any more, so I was left in a bit of a quandary what to do next.

Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. I enjoy a good funeral. A chance to remember a loved one, meet up with old friends and family that I might not have seen for a long time. It’s also a chance to put my own life into perspective. And why are we so concerned about people being sad. As my DH says he wants everyone to be thoroughly miserable at his funeral. Sadness and joy go hand in hand throughout life. Why should that not be so when someone dies?

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

It can be very distressing to have to think about the disposal of a body 3 years after their death. This happened to my aunt. It reawakened my uncle’s grief when we had all mostly come to terms with my aunt’s death.

As long as I am dead they can put me in a black bin bag, I won't be here to worry about it.

My FIL was not a believer. So much so that my DH was not christened because my FIL thought that "churching" was wrong.

When my ML died we suggested that he could have whatever ceremony or non ceremony he liked. My BIL and DIL persuaded him to have a church service. It was a travesty.

None of us were church goers and although my FIL had a friend and former who became a vicar, he was unable to do the service. The celebrant new nothing about the family and so asked questions. The most memorable comment was that my MIL was a keen flower arranger and a member of the WI.

I am writing this as a former C of E attendee who lost my faith many years ago. So much so that I was not a god mother to my niece, although I have always thought of myself in loco parentis to her.

Neither of want a funeral. Both of us felt traumatised by traditional funerals and have no wish to impose this ritual on our families.

Dinahmo This is not a problem specific to religious services. In the last couple of years I have attended the funeral of 2 dear friends where the funeral was led by a professional Humanist minister/leader/clebrant, I am not quite sure what they are called. In each case the eulogy has been as you described - precisely because they do not know the deceased.

In most funerals I have been to over my lifetime, the eulogy has been given by a member of the family, sometimes by the deceased's AC, or a friend or other.

When my sister died, in her 40s, someone she worked with gave the eulogy and it was the most beautiful I have ever heard, he knew my sister well and share some of her interests, and phrases from it still remain in my memory 35 years later.

I gave the eulogy at both my parents funerals and at my husband’s. It was an important part of remembering them and part of bereavement

We had a humanist celebrant at my mother-in-law's funeral and she was wonderful. It obviously helped that she knew my in-laws slightly, but she really took the time to find out what the family wanted to say and what we wanted from the service.

Iam64 Yes, I gave the eulogy for my father. I also did it for a friend and an aunt. Within my family it is customary to ask a family member to give the eulogy.

While there are always going to be exceptions I have yet to hear a minister, whether humanist religious or anything else give a satisfactory eulogy when they did not know the deceased.