My husband and I don't want a funeral when we die

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

It can be very distressing to have to think about the disposal of a body 3 years after their death. This happened to my aunt. It reawakened my uncle’s grief when we had all mostly come to terms with my aunt’s death.

Funerals are for the living, not for the dead. I enjoy a good funeral. A chance to remember a loved one, meet up with old friends and family that I might not have seen for a long time. It’s also a chance to put my own life into perspective. And why are we so concerned about people being sad. As my DH says he wants everyone to be thoroughly miserable at his funeral. Sadness and joy go hand in hand throughout life. Why should that not be so when someone dies?

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

Just be aware that you need to have a plan B in place just in case they don't accept the body when the time comes. This can happen for a number of reasons. My mother had stipulated she wished her body to be donated to science, but when she died, they already had their full quota of bodies and couldn't take any more, so I was left in a bit of a quandary what to do next.

petra

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

I'm worried they wouldnt want my body.
Then nobody would want me!!

Isn’t it selfish to do something which will upset your children? Isn’t your first duty to them rather than medical science? I imagine they would be distressed by the idea of your body being dissected by students.

Both of us have signed up to have our bodies donated.
They keep the body for 3 yrs and then ask the family if they wish it to be returned to them.
One daughter won’t talk about it but the other 2 don’t want it.

I agree GSM- the pop songs are for the wake. If you're having a church funeral then the human voice singing hymns with maybe an organ is appropriate because piped music is awful in most churches.
It is also awful in a crematorium, which to me is nothing but a conveyor belt.

I just don’t want to make it any longer than is necessary, thinking of my son Septimia. There is music (definitely not pop music) and there are hymns I would like but I don’t want to prolong things for the sake of my son. The speaking of Psalm 23 will do me nicely. I have never understood those who want to make a statement with a pop song, but each to their own.

I'm inclined to go the other way, GSM and to insist that all my favourite hymns are sung. That will take a long time because I'm our church organist so I have a lot of favourite hymns!

Indeed Yongy each to their own and you've said this is what your husband wants too, and your children have accepted your decision.

There's room enough for everyone with their own unique thoughts and ways.

I realise that many people don't see it my way, but each to their own.

Germanshepherdsmum

My Church funeral will be short, nothing to draw it out to add to anyone’s grief. Prayers, no hymns sung, no music. Followed by burial in the churchyard.

Sounds rather like my Mum’s funeral and it was short but very sweet.

She died during Covid and we were only allowed a few people. 9 immediate family and a RC Priest, graveside funeral 10 days before Christmas. The sun shone, it wasn’t too cold.

The Priest said prayers and he sang a short piece in Latin because he said singing was not really allowed even though we were outside in just about the freshest air in the country!

We all had red roses to drop in the grave. Had we been allowed a church service it would have been packed because everyone knew Mum and she was much loved in the village.

We weren’t allowed a get together afterwards so we just stood in the car park, had a chat and a hug and went home.

MissA

We both want a funeral service because of our faith, but I understand why there are some who prefer the simplicity of 'Pure Cremations'.

I can't remember anything much about my daughter's funeral, mercifully.

It's all a terrible blur.

My Church funeral will be short, nothing to draw it out to add to anyone’s grief. Prayers, no hymns sung, no music. Followed by burial in the churchyard.

My husband definitely doesn’t want a funeral his mind is made up. I am undecided.

I was talking to a friend about this and she wants a big funeral with loads of people and she wants them all to be crying and wiping their eyes and saying what fun she was and how much they will miss her. We’re all different. 🙂

I read today, that this May bank holiday is called the Celebration of Life day. In the article a number of people were debating if we need this day. One argument was that a growing number of people are not having funerals, and lots of friends and relatives feel the cannot grieve properly as they felt they didn’t say goodbye. So a day they can celebrate the life of someone would help them.
My husband died in August 2022 and organising the funeral helped me get through the following weeks but on the day I really didn’t want to go through with it. I did and I was enormously comforted by the kindness and compassion of all the people who attended. It was so nice to hear everyone talk and say nice kind and funny things about my husband.
So as many say a funeral is for the living but that can be a good thing to be able to be comforted and saying goodbye to loved ones.

Good post Septima

I went to the funeral of a friend of 50 years. It was at our local crematorium. The building was full, we sang `Jerusalem and his daughter in law sang Hallelujah. The friend who died was politically active to the final days, someone read one of his poems, his son gave a lovely eulogy. There was a reception at the Socialist club, a good do. Great to have long standing friendships, the service led by a vicar/friend. Standing room only
I’ve been fortunate in going to funerals like this, thst commemorate lives well lived
Many people described my husband’s funeral as lovely,as was he.

While I know what I would like - the full Christian works - it seems to me that the purpose of a funeral is to help those left behind cope with the grief. Consequently the family should have a say in what happens.

I feel that direct cremations are brushing death, and the person who has died, under the carpet.

I found interesting what I read on the BBC website about having a Celebration Day and the comment that Michael Rosen made: "Outside of religious rituals - many of which strike me as helpful, and I say that as an atheist - many people don't know what to do with their grief. Where do they put it? Who can they talk to about it? Where are the rituals, ceremonies or occasions when they can express it? As a result, death is easily brushed aside and hidden."

I would like the full works, church service with lovely hymns, a cremation and I hope a decent eulogy followed by a great wake with fun, laughter and a raised glass.

I’m not religious but I would quite like to think of a ‘proper’ funeral service, with a few favourite old hymns, and the recording of a niece’s solo of Panis Angelicus with her school choir. She has a very pure, sweet soprano - it gives me the shivers and brings tears to my eyes every time.

However unless they specifically ask, I will leave it up to dh/dds, whoever is left behind.

What I really would not want is the sort of ‘celebrant’ we witnessed at a neighbour’s funeral not long ago. To me he was inappropriate in every way, from the way he was dressed (ghastly, ill-fitting garish bright blue suit) to his over-familiar talk about someone he’d never met.

I m not interested in a big funeral either I ll have a cremation
hopeful if I ve got friends and family around ( 2 children and 5 grandchildren live overseas ) but those here will have a get together and remember me I hope fondly I ll sort the cremation out using the least expensive and leave enough money to raise their glasses to me afterwards Depends also when I go if I be still got any friends left alive or not

There are lots of people without friends or family, lots of displaced, poorly people who have fallen through the net.

With nobody left to care much, there isn't much point in having a big do to mark the end of their lives.