What to do when you find out your beloved newly deceased husband gad been.visiting escorts and visiting adult chat sites

My friend only found out after he was gone, because there was a vast amount of all sorts of paperwork to sort out - he’d kept meticulous records of everything.

During his last year or so, when he was terminally ill, dh had offered to go through it all with him and chuck or shred anything not needed, but he refused absolutely - wouldn’t allow anyone to touch it.

Afterwards we realised why - he didn't want the evidence (e.g letters and hotel bills) coming to light.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Setting the bar fairly low.

I’m so sorry both for your loss and your shock find.

If you DH was a good man, loved you and was a kind person I’d do my utmost to remember him as the loving man you knew and put this to one side. I’m afraid it’s a lot more common than we might believe.

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

Iam64

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

Yes but presumably your husband was a good one and not visiting dodgy sites and escort agencies.

You don’t have to agree with me. I am just saying what I would do. 🙂

So sorry for your loss, not just of your husband, but of what you thought was your marriage. Bluebelle says very well what I think, and as for curtaintwitcher.....what a desperately sad life you must live if cheating, lying, using prostitutes is a normal for you.

My ex partner of 16 years had an affair,it made me question our whole relationship,destroyed my trust,my confidence hit rock bottom,and nearly 6 years later my sense of worth is still very low.

This is what happens with infedelity,
to have your belief that your marriage was secure,and after death no way of speaking to the person must be horrendous,questions that can never be answered,how can you move forward and ignore the doubts in your mind.

You have my deepest empathy 💐

To lose your husband is devastating enough but then to find that there was a part of his life you knew nothing about is another hard blow.
You are bound to feel differently about him at least for a while.
I hope that in time you can put this in the past and get on with living as happy a life as possible.💐

It is quite a shock for you to find this now. especially if it means that you doubt all the times you shared together. When you have had time to get over the initial shock, perhaps you are able to decide if you would prefer to find out more about this or be able to know that you did have a lot of good times together regardless of his going online to these sites. If you feel you need to know more, there is perhaps a friend of his who might know what he used to do. I think the main thing is how it makes you feel about yourself and the time you had together. You cant unknow what you have found out , but it may have just been something that he only looked into for a short time. It is sad and upsetting for you but I think the one thing for you to remember is that you did nothing wrong , and did your best to have a faithful marriage, and not let this new information make you feel bad about yourself or the good times that you did have in the past.

flappergirl

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Curtaintwitcher. You do know that escorts are prostitutes don"t you? Are you married? Did or does your husband visit prostitutes? If so, then I guess it is nothing unusual in your world but I'm rather surprised that you think it's the norm in most marriages. The OP should get herself checked for sexually transmitted diseases and I strongly urge you to do the same if your husband has used sex workers.

My husband also visited prostitutes....the signs were there, I didn't have to be a mind-reader to see what was happening. I never had sex with him again after that. I told him to stick to his dirty little sl..s.

Well, I discovered after my husband died that during the last hard month of his life, he had been watching porn on the Internet in the night hours when I thought he had finally managed a little sleep,

Knowing as I did, that he had complained of an inability to sustain or latterly even have an erection and that he had worried about this both for my sake and his, I realised that my reassurance that this would pass (neither of us realised how little time was left to us, at that point) and everything would be all right again, hadn't helped him. I choose to believe he went along with it when I said it for my sake.

Perhaps your husband was in the same dark place?

If it was only in the very last phase of his life this happened, perhaps you, like me, can let it go and neither blame him, nor yourself for having failed in any way.

Not easy, I know, but does it really matter now?

Illness, and the prospect of dying soon can do very odd things to the personality - try to see this as part of his illness.

Even if you have discovered that he had regularly deceived you for years during your marriage - try and let it go. You are only hurting yourself by lworrying about this. You may need professional help to move on from this, though.

As already mentioned: what proof do you have, bank statements, computer logs or gossip? Gossip is not proof, but someone's attempt to hurt you.

Curtaintwitcher - to call prostitutes ' dirty little sl..s' is awful. I don't think being a prostitute is often a career choice! Usually related to addiction or debt. They are usually desperate people. You seem to blame the women more than the men who use them.

The woman who does my nails told me her divorce is almost through. She is a lovely person and stunning looking. Her first marriage failed then she met this guy who she adored. They got married, bought a house and he was stepfather to her kids.

He worked abroad and she missed him so much that she threw herself into work to provide for them all. They have been together 10 years and he has cheated on her and she is devastated. He begs to come back but she says if he ever comes near their house she will not be responsible for her actions. So divorce nearly done and she says she feels totally betrayed, upset and shocked but she’s moving on alone.

I know you were married much longer but I imagine the depth of pain must be similar. You have done nothing wrong, it was him. Are you able to close the door in your brain with him in it and move on? There could be a lovely future ahead. I certainly wouldn’t waste my time and energy worrying about someone who did that to me. If you had no inkling whatsoever then he must have been really devious!

Grandtante, what lovely, thoughtful and understanding reply

mumofmadboys

Curtaintwitcher - to call prostitutes ' dirty little sl..s' is awful. I don't think being a prostitute is often a career choice! Usually related to addiction or debt. They are usually desperate people. You seem to blame the women more than the men who use them.

Lots of women become sex workers to support their children and/or pay their bills. They should be supported better, if our govt had a less narrow outlook these women (and I guess men too) could operate in the safety of “brothels”, be checked regularly for any disease and kept safe. This might help outlaw street girls and under age girls.

Just like drugs, sex workers are here to stay and pretending they don’t exist is just naive.

I would be extremely upset if my husband chose to use them and our marriage would undoubtedly end, but for some men they provide a service.

Cossy

I’m so sorry both for your loss and your shock find.

If you DH was a good man, loved you and was a kind person I’d do my utmost to remember him as the loving man you knew and put this to one side. I’m afraid it’s a lot more common than we might believe.

The porn sites did well in the pandemic. Half the population were watching. I doubt very much if they’ve stopped now.
Im never surprised at what the most innocent looking people get up to.

www.theguardian.com/media/2021/jun/09/half-british-adults-watched-porn-pandemic-ofcom

HousePlantQueen

Grandtante, what lovely, thoughtful and understanding reply

I agree,, you sound like a very caring, compassionate person Grandetante.. Understanding is love ..

Primrose53

Iam64

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

Yes but presumably your husband was a good one and not visiting dodgy sites and escort agencies.

You don’t have to agree with me. I am just saying what I would do. 🙂

Primrose, you are tackling this as though it's a black and white situation. Does a rotten husband make it easy to move on. Does his widow skip off into the sunset thinking "oh well, live and learn, good riddance"? Of course not. Life, relationships and human emotions are far more complex than that.

Just because she didn't know about his other activities, doesn't mean she can just wipe out decades of living with him, decades of a totally intertwined life, shared children, shared history.

She isn't talking about someone she dated for a few weeks. She's talking about the man she shared her life with, just like any other widow.

Exactly so flappergirl. My grief is with me but made a little easier by the 40 good years we shared. I can’t imagine how painful to discover the man you’d shared your life with was betraying you to the extent you’d need health checks

flappergirl

Primrose53

Iam64

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

Yes but presumably your husband was a good one and not visiting dodgy sites and escort agencies.

You don’t have to agree with me. I am just saying what I would do. 🙂

Primrose, you are tackling this as though it's a black and white situation. Does a rotten husband make it easy to move on. Does his widow skip off into the sunset thinking "oh well, live and learn, good riddance"? Of course not. Life, relationships and human emotions are far more complex than that.

Just because she didn't know about his other activities, doesn't mean she can just wipe out decades of living with him, decades of a totally intertwined life, shared children, shared history.

She isn't talking about someone she dated for a few weeks. She's talking about the man she shared her life with, just like any other widow.

Quite probably. I don’t really do grey. 😉

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Strewth! That is a very low bar.

Whitewavemark2

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Strewth! That is a very low bar.

It’s also suggesting that an affair is more damaging to the wife than her husband having sex with women who are often in ‘sex work’ to fund drug or alcohol problems. Often vulnerable, exploited women - I have no respect for men who behave this way
An affair would have ended my marriage and use of sex workers would have had the locks changed immediately

No comment from the OP?

Primrose, it's much easier to "not do grey" when you haven't been in the same situation. Have you had a similar experience to the OP on any level?

If not, then you've no idea what you would do or how you would react.

eazybee

No comment from the OP?

And no other posts on GN.