What to do when you find out your beloved newly deceased husband gad been.visiting escorts and visiting adult chat sites

AuntieE

I realised after my husband died that he had been watching porn on the Internet during the last very hard two months of his life, when he no longer was able to sleep with me.

I would have been content just to lie and hold him, but he needed something more to distract his thoughts, not so much from the fear of death, but the fear of what he might have to go through before death came.

At first, I reacted much as you had done, but after thinking about it, I made myself accept that just as he watched films I found too tough, so he had apparently also needed porn.

I would not have been so sanguine about escorts - that I will admit.

How you move on from here depends, I feel, very much on how your marriage was. I have no wish to pry, but if you can look back on more good times than bad, as I hope you can, then try to let this go.

It also depends on what your husband died of, as many illnesses can alter the patient's personality to a great extent, , which may be a reason for this, if it was only in the last months of your husband's life these things occurred.

How you found out may, too, have a bearing on how you get over the discovery. I was deleting the contents of my husband's laptop when I noticed the porn sites amongst the "bookmarks". If you found out this way, or when checking bank statements then there is no room for doubt. If some "friend" told you this, then that is a very different thing. It might be pure spite, or a misplaced attempt at consoling you for your loss.

One lady actually asked me, a month after my husband's death, if I did not find myself better off money-wise "now that your husband is no longer buying tobacco, medicines and books all the time" I was so flabbergasted that I did not reply, although I did point out that the person who "bought books all the time" in my household was, and always had been, me not my husband.

I do not know if any of this helps, but I hope it may do so.

Grieving is a process - how long and hard differs from person to person. However, a new kind of "normal" life does come into being, even if it is a long time coming.

Very kind measured response, AuntieE.

I hope your words are a help to Doth07.

Old Thread. Doth07 posted but never returned, even after posters related their most intimate stories on the internet.

Perhaps it should be deleted.

The OP may have returned but not commented, it's not a rule that there has to be a response. It's an interesting thread, may help others.

All I can say Doth is best wishes for the future. Xxxx.
Please don't take it personally!
Men are very problematic creatures, particularly where sex is concerned.
Love & sex are often put into distinct little pigeonholes by ruddy Men.
It's does not mean that he loved you less, by doing what he did. Men!!!😶

I hope it doesn’t get deleted . I have also suffered a recent bereavement and it took me a while to respond to a question I had asked ( in the AIBU) forum regarding my dads ashes. This was not due to anything other than needing time to read all the responses and process my own thoughts and reply . Please don’t judge people too harshly when they are going through troubled times .

Its a shame this came to light as you had enough to cope with as it was ie bereavement. I know a few people who are leading 'secret' lives which I know will only cause pain when it is revealed. I think it is true and you need to focus on the good parts of your husband and marriage, was he a good provider, a good father, a good husband, did you have good holidays? it might help to write a letter to him as if you were sending to him and put all the hurt down then burn the letter