What to do when you find out your beloved newly deceased husband gad been.visiting escorts and visiting adult chat sites

So sorry for your loss, not just of your husband, but of what you thought was your marriage. Bluebelle says very well what I think, and as for curtaintwitcher.....what a desperately sad life you must live if cheating, lying, using prostitutes is a normal for you.

Iam64

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

Yes but presumably your husband was a good one and not visiting dodgy sites and escort agencies.

You don’t have to agree with me. I am just saying what I would do. 🙂

Primrose53

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

My husband died 19 months ago. Of course grief hits us all individually but I can’t imagine being told to move on, enjoy my own life as fast as I can. I’m living my best life, able to count my many blessings not least 40 very happy years together.
How crass to add ‘I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself you don’t know what’s around the corner 😉’. I think Doth is living not knowing what’s round the corner.

I’m so sorry both for your loss and your shock find.

If you DH was a good man, loved you and was a kind person I’d do my utmost to remember him as the loving man you knew and put this to one side. I’m afraid it’s a lot more common than we might believe.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Setting the bar fairly low.

My friend only found out after he was gone, because there was a vast amount of all sorts of paperwork to sort out - he’d kept meticulous records of everything.

During his last year or so, when he was terminally ill, dh had offered to go through it all with him and chuck or shred anything not needed, but he refused absolutely - wouldn’t allow anyone to touch it.

Afterwards we realised why - he didn't want the evidence (e.g letters and hotel bills) coming to light.

Maybe he did it very discretely because he loved you Doth, but he felt he needed an outlet. He didn't have an emotional affair by the sounds of it.. I would concentrate on remembering the good times you had together and maybe only discuss this with a professional person, not friends and family.. It's a shock but he did stay with you..

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Much the same thing in my opinion.

Both bad behaviour.
Both betrayal.

I am sorry you feel so disappointed Doth. Would you rather he had told you all about it while it was going on? I know I would because then I'd have been free to decide for myself what to do about it , if anything.

I suppose the temptations overcame him. I hope he did not waste too much money.

Doth This has been an enormous shock for you at a time when you're grieving and my heart goes out to you. I am so sorry, and can empathise just a little because I discovered a major secret about my father after he died which I then desperately kept from my Mum.

I would be very wary about confiding in friends and family but instead see a counsellor where you can pour out all your thoughts and pain and feelings and know that it will stay behind closed doors, and you need never see that counsellor again.

I wish you all the very best. You have to put yourself first now.

I am very sorry for your loss Doth. Every person has their good and bad points. We are all flawed. Hopefully in time you will be able to have a balanced view of your husband acknowledging both his good points and his bad ones. I think seeing a counsellor may help - someone removed from the situation who after a series of appointments you will never see again. Only confide in friends if you can really trust them. Take care.

What would you have done if you found out before he died?

It’s a massive shock but if it were me I would just focus on the fact that he wasn’t the man you thought he was and move on with your own life as fast as you can. I hope has left you well provided for! Enjoy yourself, you don’t know what’s round the corner. 😉

Sorry you discovered that it’s really upsetting to find out he was not the loyal man you thought.

There are a lot of “escorts” discretely working in all large towns and married men are a large part of their customers, men have affairs and flings at work are quite common these days, few of us can be totally sure of our partner.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Curtaintwitcher. You do know that escorts are prostitutes don"t you? Are you married? Did or does your husband visit prostitutes? If so, then I guess it is nothing unusual in your world but I'm rather surprised that you think it's the norm in most marriages. The OP should get herself checked for sexually transmitted diseases and I strongly urge you to do the same if your husband has used sex workers.

I don’t see visitin escorts and being on adult chat sights as ‘nothing unusual about that “. It would be very unusual amongst my family and friends, it would be a betrayal.

The loss of your much loved husband is such a difficult time and finding this shocking news must add to your feelings of loss and pain. BlueBelle’s advice to find a therapist is good

I am very sorry.
I am assuming you discovered this via his computer or bank records.

All you can do is bury this because it is now impossible for you to get answers to the obvious question: why?

RosesandLilac

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Well I for one wouldn’t consider it usual especially if he’s visiting escorts! Are you serious? You consider that better than an affair? It’s equally shameful in my opinion.
You must be devastated, do you have friends who you can talk to?

I agree Roses. I would feel betrayed.

I would go and question your ‘source’ of this information, if you have found the details on the credit Cards then that’s it, if it was a ‘friend’ then do some research of your own to check it and ask how long this went on for, was it just once?

However, I’m sure that your husband loved you dearly and in time you will just remember the good times, none of us are perfect.

Curtaintwitcher

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

Well I for one wouldn’t consider it usual especially if he’s visiting escorts! Are you serious? You consider that better than an affair? It’s equally shameful in my opinion.
You must be devastated, do you have friends who you can talk to?

Some things are better kept unsaid.
I also wonder by what cruel means you heard this?

I'm sure that finding later that your partner led a double life is not so rare. Just consider the Royal Family or World Leaders.

Some counselling for your bereavement sounds like a good idea.

So what? Nothing unusual about that. Surely better than having an affair?

So very sorry you’ve found this out I just hope and pray you can forgive and carry on as best you can

How did you find out ?

I’m so sorry, Doth07. 💐
A friend of mine went through something similar - found out after he died that her husband had had a long standing relationship with someone else, and had gone away with her while my friend was making short visits to her own country - largely to see her very elderly father.

She was devastated for quite a while, but a few years on has largely got over the shock and hurt, and is enjoying life again.

I’m just so sorry you’re having to go through this.