Mothers ‘rights’ at her sons funeral

That sounds like an excellent result. Mynxie.

I hope it goes well, and that you get as much closure as you can. .

Just an update - the funeral is being held at the beginning of September and I am having my choice of music played, although I have changed my mind to a more upbeat Beatles record in the meantime (he was a huge Beatles fan)

Still very early days and I’m still reeling from grief but we had a family meeting to arrange the service and everyone has had their wishes accommodated, including his children.

I’ve also had my bangle engraved and it’s a comfort to me - it was done so well and was exactly what I had in mind.

Thanks for all your posts, it does help just knowing others are thinking of me xx

I'm sending you many condolences .
How terrible for you and for his family .
I think that it's entirely reasonable to request a song . 💐

Mynxie I am sorry for your loss and the grief and confusion in your mind too as well as maybe anger and thoughts that you could have prevented it if only you had done this , that , or something different.

I too lost a daughter who took her own life and if you would like to PM me I am happy for you to do this.

These are very early days for you, so many questions and so few answers my heart goes out to you[

Mynxie for your son to take his own life is the worst kind of bereavement. How you and your husband and his partner and children will ever recover from that I have no idea. There are other GN members here who have gone through the same thing I only hope they get in touch with you . As they can understand what you are going through and their experience will help you . As that kind of loss is like no other.

Sincere condolences Mynxie to you and your family. I love the idea of the inscription on the bracelet. Why don’t you do it any way? Perhaps organising it in time to wear at the funeral.

You clearly have a great relationship with your son’s partner, and I so hope that you can have the beautiful song played at his funeral.

I agree - my son took his own life and the only request he left in a letter regarding his funeral was where he wanted it held. It won’t be for a long time yet as there are coroners reports and an autopsy to be arranged so there is plenty of time to discuss the other arrangements.

So sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you have a great relationship with your son’s partner. I think she will be pleased to include your suggestion. I had no input from anyone else when arranging my husband’s service ( but lots of practical and emotional support) but I knew best what sort of music he loved. I believe funerals are for the living, so songs / hymns which are meaningful to you are important.

Mynxie of course you are in shock. No parent wants to out live their child and I am sure you will be a power of strength to your son's partner and your grandchildren.

I didn't mean to imply you are anything like my in laws especially my mother in law. And if she wants your input into the funeral she will ask. That may be while you have time together at the seaside.

When we got married we discussed what our funerals would be and what we did and didn't want. I was born disabled and from 1988 when my health got worse I was prepared to die first. But it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died in 2004. He said at Christmas he wanted to get too his 47th birthday in February we got him there and he died 4 days later. We where prepared for him to die because we knew from his diagnosis he wouldn't live 5 years . But only me and the children knew he didn't want to be treated as in his words like a dead man walking.

And unfortunately when he was terminal he cut people out of his life who treated him differently. I had to tell my parents if they did he wouldn't see them. My parents gave him the love and attention he never had from his own parents .

I can not imagine the pain you are going through. As grief is different for parents ,spouses / partners and children . I have come to understand there are more griefs in life that just that for a loved one dieing.

I wish I could say you and your husband and sons partner will ever stop grieving. As I grieve for my husband everyday as he has missed so much of our children's lives . But grief is the heavy price we pay for loving someone unconditionally. But our lives would be the poorer for never loving them in the first place.

You are all at the numb stage of grief where it doesn't feel real but it is. I hope for your grandchildren's sake that they have videos of time spent with their father ready for when they are older and understand more .
🌹

I think you should ask but I also think you should go with your plan B anyway as that is a lovely things for you

I am deeply sorry for your loss

You have rights too, Mynxie. What you have been through is massive, and your needs are every bit as important as those of other people.

Of course you're still in shock, and of course you are grieving. There is no hierarchy or protocol for things like this. Your DIL is your son's legal next of kin, but you are his mother, and you count too.

It's not interfering in your DIL's life to ask if you can have a song played at your son's funeral. The last thing you need is to regret not even mentioning your wishes in case it causes offence - why would it?

I’m so sorry for your loss Whiff and for what sounds like a very traumatic time with your husbands mother
I’m nothing like her I can assure you -,I only help when asked and she knows I am there for her whenever she needs me otherwise I give the family all the space they need to grieve. We are actually going to her house at 8.30am tomorrow to help defrost and empty a defunct fridge freezer prior to a new one being delivered after which I don’t expect to see her until mid next week when she has asked if my husband and I can help her and the children spend a few days by the seaside . We are not looking to interfere in her life unless invited (although we are caring for the grandchildren over most of the school holidays at her request)
My son has been dead for exactly one week today, I’m sorry if I’ve appeared insensitive to anyone but I’m still in shock and reeling from grief so please don’t take offence at anything I’ve said, I honestly don’t want to cause anyone any upset

Mynxie sorry for your loss. I am looking at from the view point of someone being widowed young . My husband was 47 when he died and I was 45 our children 20 and 16.

I wouldn't have welcomed any interference from my mother in law. Christmas 2003 my husband said just do what we want for the funeral. We are atheists so had non religious funeral no flowers as we as a family thought they where a waste of money . Because people gave donations we raised just over £5,000 for the cancer ward who treatment him .

Mother in law came to say goodbye but he was unconscious and for the first time told him she loved him . She wanted to stay while he died but I said no . He only wanted me and the children there.
When he went to the funeral home she wanted to see his body . But I had already told the funeral directors that once my husband left our home no one was to see his body.

The funeral director talked about my husband and we had 3 pieces of pop music played . The last piece when we left the crem was Mr Blue Sky by ELO. A favourite of his.

I had told his mom he didn't want his funeral date put in the newspaper as he only wanted people there who we told. She put it in the paper and some of his relatives crawled out of the woodwork. Which weny against my husband and our wishes.

There was no wake afterwards as it's not what he or us wanted. Our daughter went out for a meal with 3 of her uni friends who had hired a car to come after we invited them then they went back to uni afterwards . Our son went out with his best friend. So I could finally cry in peace.

My parents knew not to ask anything as they respected my husband and our wishes.

My in laws where horrible people and after the funeral my mother in law told people she never had a son or had 2 grandchildren. And refused to go too their weddings. But I hated her for 40 years but looked after her until she died 11 years after my husband .

It's up to the spouse or partner what the funeral arrangements are. As they knew their loved one best.

Sorry it you don't want to hear this but it's a fact. If his partner asks for help then give it but if not leave her alone.

*for your DS

I'm sorry for your loss Mnyxie. Lovely song - it won't hurt to ask but don't have expectations for a positive answer. I have received "no's" in such times. If the answer is negative, please play the song for you and his memory and light a candle for you DS whenever and wherever you find appropriate.

So sorry for your loss Mnyxie . I would ask if the song can be played but accept it might not be what his partner wants.

Oh Mynxie my heart goes out to you. Losing a child is so painful. I think the song you have chosen is lovely and also your Plan B. It sounds as if you are a close and loving family and your son's partner will appreciate your love and care for her and your grandchildren

My sincere condolences to both of you. I can only imagine how hard it must be to lose a child.

I can see no reason why you would be treading on toes to ask for a song to be played at your son's funeral, Mynxie. I hope you get your wish, and that the day goes as well as these things can.

Baggs

I think since your son had a long-term partner, then it is first up to her what form, if any, a funeral takes.

This may sound harsh but hear my story first. My daughter died earlier this year. She had a long-term partner and they had two kids. DD did not want a funeral and made this known to her life partner. He in turn made it known to DD's relations and to his own side of the family. He expressed his wish to honour his life partner's preference.

We all went along with that.

In my case, as it happens, going along with that actually meant being extremely relieved. I had been dreading the funeral from the moment we knew of her terminal diagnosis. My son-out-law arranged a private cremation.

The he and their kids did a very special thing with the ashes in a very special place to DD. We all know exactly where it is and some of us will go there and visit that place when we can.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to make your preference known but in your position I would wait until you hear what your son's partner wants.

I wish you well in your grief and send heartfelt condolences.

Awful to have a child die, however old they are, whatever the circumstances.

You sound as if you dealt with it all very sensitively

Smileless2012

My sincere condolences for the loss of your son Mynxie .

I see no reason why suggestion of a particular song from his mum would be regarded as unreasonable or insensitive.

I second all of this

That is a lovely idea Mynxie. You could do that whatever happens.

Well, I’ve come up with a plan B as suggested.

If it’s a no goer I’m going to have a silver bracelet he gave me for my birthday a few years ago engraved with the words ‘Let It Be ‘ on the inner (hidden) side

I was considering a tattoo but this seems a good compromise

Baggs

Mynxie, thinking of you and hoping all goes well at this sad and difficult time. Let It Be seems to me an appropriate choice and I hope your DiL accepts your request to include it.

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter Baggs.