Mothers ‘rights’ at her sons funeral

Oh Mynxie I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t think that your son’s partner would have any objection to having the song played. I hope everything goes as well as possible. Take care of yourself.

❤️mynxie so sorry this is so very sad I hope your daughter in law agrees with your very gentle request
X

Sincere condolences Mynxie.
Of course the order of service may have been drawn up but at 2 funerals I attended recently there was a period of reflection where pictures of the departed were shown and we listened to music. One was “Imagine” and the other an instrumental version of Queen’s “Love of my Life” - so moving.

Exactly Baggs I don’t feel as if I have( or should have) any rights at all.

I only wanted to know if it was unreasonable to express my wish that’s all, but if it’s not appropriate or doesn’t fit in with what she wants that’s fine. If I don’t ask I’ll never know, but will make it clear that it’s entirely her decision and I wouldn’t want it any other way

I am sorry for your loss.

My husband's son died some years ago, and his funeral was arranged by his widow and children. It was a mass and burial afterwards, that would have probably been different if his next of kin had still been his mother and father. My husband really would have preferred a cremation over burial, but would have never interfered. He does however lament every time he visits his son's grave, that where the cemetery is sited is directly under the Heathrow flight path, more as a wistful aside really than anything else. However, being and remaining close to his daughter in law respected her wishes, as they were at the time. The cemetery was pretty near where they lived and that was important to them, the children wanted that they often left letters, pictures in small plastic type bags on the grave.

to all those who have lost a child.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter Baggs

In short, Mynxie, I'm saying I didn't feel I had any 'rights' anyway.

I think since your son had a long-term partner, then it is first up to her what form, if any, a funeral takes.

This may sound harsh but hear my story first. My daughter died earlier this year. She had a long-term partner and they had two kids. DD did not want a funeral and made this known to her life partner. He in turn made it known to DD's relations and to his own side of the family. He expressed his wish to honour his life partner's preference.

We all went along with that.

In my case, as it happens, going along with that actually meant being extremely relieved. I had been dreading the funeral from the moment we knew of her terminal diagnosis. My son-out-law arranged a private cremation.

The he and their kids did a very special thing with the ashes in a very special place to DD. We all know exactly where it is and some of us will go there and visit that place when we can.

I don't think it would be unreasonable for you to make your preference known but in your position I would wait until you hear what your son's partner wants.

I wish you well in your grief and send heartfelt condolences.

Mynxie, I am sorry for your loss.
Of course it is OK to ask for the song to be played at your son's funeral. I am sure that she will understand when you explain.
As sharon103 has mentioned there is a time allocation for a service.
Last year when my DH died, we had a humanist service for him but was able to have two readings, tributes and three songs included into that 30 minute service.
I am sure you will be able to have your special song, you as a mother are not asking for much.
Again so sorry for the loss of your precious boy.

Mynxi, such a sad time for you, I think it would be very nice to have a special song at your sons funeral,,,

So sorry for the loss of you son.
Yes do ask for the song to be played. Tell her it would mean a lot to you.
As Hithere says, have a plan B.
I don't remember if this is a lengthy song but just remember there is only a certain time allocated for the service and so things like prayers, hymns, tributes etc. have to be able to fit in. Something like 30 minutes.
When I organised my brothers funeral the funeral director added it all up.

mynxie deepest condolences. Like others I say, ask. The worst that can happen is that it will not be played.

Mynxie

Thank you all - I shall certainly ask her now. Just in case you’re wondering the song I have in mind is ‘Let it Be’ by the Beatles as I feel that sometime we just have to accept the way things are without looking for reasons or blame.

Beautiful song.
I am so very sorry for your loss

I am so very sorry Mynxie, losing a child is every parents worst fear.
Certainly speak to his partner about the music you would like.
I am sure there will be a family discussion about the service.

I don't see this as an issue of anybody "right"
Dont most families discuss the format of the service they want to say goodbye to their loved one?

Of course it is reasonable to ask.

Just beware that music could be a trigger in the grief process and songs affect people very differently

I would have a plan B just in case she is not fully on board with your suggestion

Hello Mynxie so sorry for the sudden loss of your Son. It is lovely that you want to offer his Partner and your grandchildren all the support they need, please don't forget that you also need support too. Your choice of song Let it be Be is beautiful and I am sure that your Son's Partner will be very happy to include this. You sound like a bonded and caring family and that you will all be there for each other during this very difficult time.

Mynxie

Thank you all - I shall certainly ask her now. Just in case you’re wondering the song I have in mind is ‘Let it Be’ by the Beatles as I feel that sometime we just have to accept the way things are without looking for reasons or blame.

That's a lovely song and very appropriate.

You have my sympathy. ❤️
I don’t think it’s insensitive at all, as long as you wouldn’t be too upset if your daughter in law doesn’t want it. If that happens, maybe it could be played before the service, or at another appropriate time?
I wanted a lot of singing at the Bodach’s funeral, so had the Boys’ Brigade hymn played before Mass, as I’m sure not many would know it. ⚓️

Thank you all - I shall certainly ask her now. Just in case you’re wondering the song I have in mind is ‘Let it Be’ by the Beatles as I feel that sometime we just have to accept the way things are without looking for reasons or blame.

my husband asked me to play flying without wings and not to have a minister as he was an atheist at his funeral, his sister (a minister) she took over everything and said the song was not right for a funeral and got the moderator to do the service. please ask your sons partner if the song can be played.

Ofcourse a special request from his bereaved mother should be granted.
I am so sorry for your loss.

When DH died during lockdown his parents were both still alive.

They didn't request anything for the funeral and weren't able to attend due to covid. So sad.

DH told me several songs he wanted sung and we, the AC and I, did our best but one we really didn't like so decided not to play it!

So sorry for your loss. It seems very reasonable to me, just ask. I do hope your request is greanted

I was included, by my son in law in the arrangements for my daughters funeral . Just ask your sons partner, you are not being unreasonable. Sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry for your loss...my sincere condolences.

I would hope as his mother, this request would be granted.