Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Death of 12 day old Grandson

(52 Posts)
Mandy45 Thu 26-Sept-24 11:47:46

Hi my daughter gave birth to my grandson after 23 weeks 4 days gestation, he survived for 12 days in the NICU.
My daughter has a supportive partner.
It is now a week since the baby died.
My daughter won't allow us to call to see her, refuses to discuss anything about a funeral,although I do know a funeral director has been.
She is so angry, and I'm at a loss as to how to help her. I'm grieving for my grandson and hurting for my daughter, any advice would be appreciated as how to help my daughter and myself.

Cossy Thu 26-Sept-24 11:49:47

I’m so so sorry for you all, terrible and tragic loss.

All you can do atm is to support your daughter from afar, it’s so raw and she’ll be utterly devastated and still taking it all on board.

I send love, best wishes and condolences to you all flowers

winterwhite Thu 26-Sept-24 11:57:16

Oh, Mandy, flowers, flowers, flowers
There's nothing anyone can say at times like this. I hope you aren't too far from your daughter. She'll want your comfort when she's ready. Meanwhile perhaps keep in touch gently with her partner, find solace for yourself where you can and take your time over resuming your ordinary activities.

Anniebach Thu 26-Sept-24 12:07:47

Mandy my third baby died at birth, your daughter had 12 weeks of hoping her baby would live, I am thankful I didn’t have that, it must be being bereaved twice.

Be there for them both, and take care of yourself, you are grieving the loss of your grandson

Georgesgran Thu 26-Sept-24 12:09:24

🥀 tragic.
I have no words. X

Baggs Thu 26-Sept-24 12:10:47

Horrendous sadness, Mandy! Your daughter may not be able to speak of the tragedy. Follow her lead. I feel for you all 🫂

paddyann54 Thu 26-Sept-24 12:21:56

You need to step back.I was the same when my baby died after 4days I couldn’t deal with other people’s grief it’s more than hard enough dealing with your own.
I,d had previous miscarriages so knew how family,my mother in particular reacted it was better for us as young parents to cope in our own way .When she has processed what’s happened she,ll speak to you but for now it’s too raw.Write her a wee letter letting her know you,re there for her when she’s ready .

lemsip Thu 26-Sept-24 12:31:25

she has a supportive partner so let them deal with it together he will be as distressed as her it's personal to them! she'll reach out when ready.

pably15 Thu 26-Sept-24 12:32:27

years ago my sister had a baby boy who only suvived for 2 weeks, there was something wrong with him when he was born and spent his short life in hospital.
your daughter must be devastated, there's nothing anyone can say or do , just be there for her when she needs you,and she will need you then..you are grieving yourself....god bless x

BigBertha1 Thu 26-Sept-24 12:38:26

I'm so sorry for you and all your family who be affected by this terribly sad event. I hope you can soon come together to grieve when the time is right. flowers

Cambsnan Thu 26-Sept-24 12:40:49

Just let her know you are there for her. I am sure she has been given details of SANDS and other support organisations. They can help you too. She will talk to you when she is ready.
Ignore people who say talk to her partner! He is grieving as well and his pain is no less than hers or yours.

Hithere Thu 26-Sept-24 12:41:41

So sorry for the hard path you and your family have ahead of you

Your daughter knows where to find you if she needs you.
How how about asking her partner how they are doing and what they need?
Don't lose sight of your needs too, you are grieving as well.

mrsgreenfingers56 Thu 26-Sept-24 12:48:20

Dear me, such sad news. So very sorry for your families loss of the little one.

Smileless2012 Thu 26-Sept-24 12:55:45

flowers and my deepest sympathy for you all.

sodapop Thu 26-Sept-24 15:36:32

So very sorry to hear about your grandson Mandy45 My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

LOUISA1523 Thu 26-Sept-24 15:40:00

I'm so very sorry for you all 💐

crazyH Thu 26-Sept-24 15:40:25

How sad Mandy 🥲 thinking you all flowers

nanaK54 Thu 26-Sept-24 15:43:31

No useful advise, but I just wanted to extend my sincere sympathies to all flowers

Astitchintime Thu 26-Sept-24 15:47:29

Mandy45, I am so deeply sorry for your loss flowers
Your emotional pain must be immense, grieving for your Grandson and wanting to support your daughter.
Take care of yourself and I hope, in time, that your daughter finds the strength to reach out to you.

Mizuna Thu 26-Sept-24 16:02:20

I'm so, so sorry. The advice to write to your daughter sounds good. We were told our first, very prem, baby wouldn't survive and my husband and I began to plan her funeral without any involvement from our parents. I was very close to my parents but only had the energy to be with my husband at the time. It wasn't personal, I just needed space to compute the shock of what was happening.

Whethertomorrow Thu 26-Sept-24 16:10:46

Dear Mandy, you and I will never meet but I am sitting here crying for you and your family over your awful news.

No platitudes will help but sending you my very best wishes and virtual hugs.

I would write a little letter or card to both of them saying you love them and will always be there for them as I’m sure they already know.

Could you arrange for some meals to be delivered as I’m sure eating is not at the top of their minds at the moment, or taking their washing in to do for them. They could leave it in the porch so they don’t have to see you.

Best wishes to you all.

BlueBelle Thu 26-Sept-24 16:38:01

Oh mandy that is so sad and I feel for you and the baby’s parents
Just send her a text or card to say I ll always be here for you if you need me then leave it there is nothing else you can do She’s angry, hurt, grieving and probably cant bear to talk about it or hear you be sorry about it She will be having conflicting feelings I m sure time will heal a little bit
Hang in there 💐

downtoearth Thu 26-Sept-24 17:24:11

A horrible situation for you my heart goes out to you.
My first daughter dued aged 7 weeks,
I couldnt cope with anyone elses needs at the time, both mum and MIL had recently lost husbands and wanted comfort.
Iam sorry to say I withdrew from them, as a nanny now I realise how hurt they must have been.
Please if you can find a trusted friend to offload to please do and just be there when you can, and give your daughter space to think about being a mum with empty arms and nit knowing which way is up, a supportive partner is wonderful but it dosent fill the void, or the rush of milk hearing a baby cry, and explaining when people ask where is your baby.
I feel for you both and send live and hugs

Dinahmo Thu 26-Sept-24 17:30:13

I'm so sorry for you and your daughter and her partner. I cannot imagine what it must be like. However, she needs all the love and support that friends and family can give. he probably does not have the will to support other people.

I remember when a friend was diagnosed with cancer and her grown up daughter was wanting support from her mum. Not the right thing to ask of her own mum.

Ilovedogs22 Thu 26-Sept-24 17:50:16

Oh Mandy45, So sorry for your tragic loss. Love & peace to you & your family. 🙏