How can I help my grieving mum - at my wits' end

Whiff

The simple answer there is nothing you can do . The grief of the other half of you dieing is so overwhelming half of you dies when they do . And you are never whole again . I speak from experience I had been with my husband as a couple for 29 years and married 22. He died in 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday I was 45 and our children 20 and 16.

For your mom it's worse as they had been together such a long time . When you are widowed suddenly become I and not us . Our home was just a house as my husband was my home . The worst part for me was it was my fit healthy husband who got cancer and died I was always prepared to die first as I was born disabled.

You are doing everything you can to help your mom but sorry to say your mom will never get over your dad's dead . You are grieving but your grief is different to your mom's .

Your dad only died a year ago it's still what I call early grieving years and I mean the first 10 years . Your mom is lost and at her age harder to come to terms with being alone . When the other half of you dies your present and future die to. The one person in the whole world who knew the real you and you them has died . I have always talked out loud to my husband everyday day which gives me comfort. But I have also shouted at him for leaving me alone ,swore at him ,blamed him if things have happened nothing they wouldn't have if he lived . I have raged at him but then I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feeling better now.

Grief never dies but the love for the other half of you never dies. I have found my grief is worse as the years go by as my husband has missed so much . Time helps you cope but it's still to early for your mom . No one can help with the grief . I know you are hurting grieving for your dad and feeling helpless how to help your mom . My dad died 3 years after my husband he was 80 same age as mom . As much as I knew what mom was feeling and helped her with my own experience, she never got over dad dieing her grief was different from mine for my husband for the simple reason they had been together since 1948 married since 1950.

You can't do anymore than you are . Your mom knows you are there for her but she only wants to be with your dad . I can understand her not wanting help as she is like me always cared for others .

Until your mom asks for help there is nothing you can do . I know it's hard and you feel helpless but your mom has to face it on her own and in her own time . Don't try and force your mom to accept help she will ask if she wants it . At your mom's age and how long she had been with your dad you will see her decline in health and probably lose weight . My mom lost 3 st and never put it back on it was grief weight loss .

Your love for your mom shines out but you can't do anymore than you are. Never try and force your mom to do anything as she will only fight you . Sorry I can't say her grief will ease . No idea if this has made you feel worse hope not . But you can't help your mom's grief is overwhelming her and eating away at her. You just have to let her do what she wants.

Wonderful and heartfelt post, dear Whiff. You have logical wisdom and you sharing this is calming to me and hopefully others.

drbledu23 you are doing the hardest bit. It's easy to do running about but doing the emotional support is hard . Your mom is very lucky she has you . Listening to your mom makes you feel helpless ,but by listening to her you are helping her as she knows how much you love and worry about her and how much you love your dad.
Like you said your mom's has outlived family and friends I was the other end of as being 45 no one understood why I was hurting so much plus I thought I had to be brave and carry on as normal and look after everyone else. I was a fool . My children wanted me to go too bereavement group counselling. I went for them it was useless . The woman running it did a 12 week course and was married and everyone was 20-40 years older than me . They where nice people but talked about their families and hobbies. My children never asked if it helped as I don't lie just was it ok and it was. When they left home I it was what I wanted for them . And I could stop going.

Even though I knew what my mom was going through when dad died all I could do was listen to her and hold her when she cried . But I couldn't take her pain away . But did tell her to talk to dad out loud everyday and she said it helped .

Grief is the heavy price we pay for love . But our lives would be poorer for never finding that one person who makes us whole the other half of ourselves.

You are grieving for your dad but you also have the knowledge that one day your mom will die . Plus you have the worry if your mom doesn't want to talk . She's your mom and I can understand her apologising for loading you with her troubles . As a mom she still wants to protect you . I hid a lot from my children as I never wanted to be a burden . They still don't know about how much their dad went through he never wanted them to know.

Your love for your mom and dad shines through. You can't do anymore than you are and you may feel helpless to help your mom but you are helping her by loving her and listening to her and that is precious 💐

Macadia thank you . I just ramble on and never know if I make sense . But I only write about my own experience. Glad if I have helped you . 💐