Upsetting why do people put items in a coffin with a deceased person?

I put my sons first little teddy bear in his coffin, despite the fact he was twenty four, he’d taken it with him on his travels so thought he’d want it on his next adventure.

Do you think your MIL felt guilty about her reaction to your daughter’s birth and the gesture was a way of absolving herself of what had been, imo, a grievous wrongdoing? I can understand why her action angered you. I hope that the comments on this thread have helped you in some way.

chocolatepudding I would not have liked my mother-in-law to assume she could just go ahead and do that. I would have felt that something was being taken away from me by someone who was not the mother.

If she had said to you "I have a piece of jewellery which has been in the family for many years now and which would have been hers one day ... I wonder if you might like to put it with her as a small token of the love we feel for her?"
You might have thought differently about it . Who knows.

If I wanted to do this (as a mother-in-law) I would maybe give the jewellery to my daughter-in-law and say "this is entirely your choice and I don't need to know the decision you make".

I think giving the right to choose how to see their way through the grief to the person most affected by it is really important.
I cannot believe the pain of having your baby die.
40 years is a long time but this is obviously still very raw. 💐

Because this helps those left behind deal with grief.

I’m truly sorry chocolatepudding about your darling daughter

NotSpaghetti

chocolatepudding I would not have liked my mother-in-law to assume she could just go ahead and do that. I would have felt that something was being taken away from me by someone who was not the mother.

If she had said to you "I have a piece of jewellery which has been in the family for many years now and which would have been hers one day ... I wonder if you might like to put it with her as a small token of the love we feel for her?"
You might have thought differently about it . Who knows.

If I wanted to do this (as a mother-in-law) I would maybe give the jewellery to my daughter-in-law and say "this is entirely your choice and I don't need to know the decision you make".

I think giving the right to choose how to see their way through the grief to the person most affected by it is really important.
I cannot believe the pain of having your baby die.
40 years is a long time but this is obviously still very raw. 💐

I completely agree with everything in this post

Reubenblue

I put my sons first little teddy bear in his coffin, despite the fact he was twenty four, he’d taken it with him on his travels so thought he’d want it on his next adventure.

💕💕

chocolatepudding

Thank you everyone for your kindness and your interesting comments for me.

To be honest I now feel that MIL was being a hypocrite at the time.
When our DD was born 3 months after our wedding MIL came into the maternity ward and shouted at us. The disgrace we had brought to the family name, what were the neighbours going to say and what were the WI ladies going to say. I was in floods of tears and she walked out without looking at our DD. Whilst we had a relationship over the next 7 months things were strained at times. Our DD died just before Christmas which makes things even more difficult for us.

Thank you again fir your kind comments.

Given her unkind behaviour towards you, comfort yourself that the item was not hers. As much as she put on a display and you may not know whether it was for appearance or genuine shame at her own behaviour, perhaps her own mother would have welcomed a great granddaughter as she deserved to be and treated you better.

In my DH coffin we put. some pics of the garden, two letters, a half packet of liquorice all sorts (he never got to finish) the only two cherries that came off the Cherry tree in the garden, a piece of sponge parkin that a neighbour had made (only I ate half of it before it went to the funeral home) .

So I hope he had a feast when he arrived at the next place.

chocolatepudding

I can remember my MIL putting a piece of jewellery ( that had belonged to her deceased mother) in the coffin of my deceased baby daughter age 7 months. "Mum would have wanted her to have it" she said. I didn't say anything as I was too distressed and this event took place 40+ years ago. Now I wish I had told her not to do that. Why do people do this?

Am so sorry, this is obviously a very difficult thing for you to remember and your MiLs behaviour has added to this. It was not her decision to make. But the reason people do this is imho a means to have something tangible there to tie you to that person, something solid that gives people feel more in control of something intangible and far from solid.
Sending you hugs.
xxxx

When I worked for a funeral director a daughter asked if she could put her deceased mothers handbag into the coffin as “She never went anywhere without it”.

My mum passed two days before her 90th, she tried so hard to get to it, friends and relatives had already posted cards so we asked for them to go in the coffin with her

I put a letter in my DH's pocket. I asked the undertaker if this was OK. He did tell me that even shoes had to be removed before a cremation and that I could either have them back or else they would go to a charity shop so I think you have to be very careful about what goes in the coffin.

My biggest “regret” is that both my mum and dad were buried in shrouds one pink and one blue. I didn’t find out about this until sometime afterwards as my brother living near to them made the arrangements. I know they would have wanted to be dressed in their best clothes.

My son wore his favourite clothes and I put the soft toy in that had been with him and was his comfort when he was in hospital. He was 18 when he died and I didn’t know what to do with his loved prize possessions that I could only give to someone who would love them as he did. For the first time I could see the benefit of a funeral pyre.

When my beautiful niece died most of the family put things she loved in the coffin with her (photographs, favourite teddy). She loved guinea pigs so I gave her a toy one so she wouldn’t be alone. It brought comfort to us all knowing that she didn’t make her final journey alone.

knspol

I put a letter in my DH's pocket. I asked the undertaker if this was OK. He did tell me that even shoes had to be removed before a cremation and that I could either have them back or else they would go to a charity shop so I think you have to be very careful about what goes in the coffin.

This is something I have wondered about.

Burials yes, I can see that objects could go into the ground, but I would have thought cremations are different.

The same with shrouds or clothes?

How many would expect to be handed back a pair of shoes?

Surely better not to have been dressed in them, if they have to be removed?

(Not wishing to upset or offend anyone).

Yes indeed and who is this "chocolate pudding" to question why people do it.

Chocolate pudding is a grieving mother, Mabon1.

mabon1

Yes indeed and who is this "chocolate pudding" to question why people do it.

This is offensive mabon - why?

It’s something that makes us all feel ok.

Putting items into a coffin with the deceased has been going on as long as I can remember, and that's a long time. Items that are special to the deceased. I see no problem with it. The items should be put in just before the lid is screwed down otherwise the undertakers will rob them.

😢

It might sound crazy to some but my lovely Mum often felt nauseous so kept a few ginger biscuits in her handbag to nibble whenever she went out. I put a couple in her coffin in case she needed them on her journey. I think she’d have found it amusing and it gave me a little comfort

If people feel better in their grief then there's nothing wrong with it. I remember putting a pic of myself in my grandad's coffin. I wouldn't put anything valuable in. If the undertakers don't take them then the grave diggers of the future will.

There are some lovely poignant and heartfelt stories here and some humorous but meaningful ones too.Thank you all for sharing .

wibblywobblywobblebottom

Putting items into a coffin with the deceased has been going on as long as I can remember, and that's a long time. Items that are special to the deceased. I see no problem with it. The items should be put in just before the lid is screwed down otherwise the undertakers will rob them.

The Egyptian's were doing it..... So, yes, a long time.

It's what feels right at the time, to those who are grieving that matters. There's no right or wrong.