Watching bereaved daughter and grandchildren in so much pain hurts somuch

Your feelings are probably overwhelming and certainly not selfish. There is no hierarchy around pain and grief.
Think of the loss of a beloved pet. It might seems foolish to some but it is heartbreaking to others.

Something I find helpful is the Marie Curie service. It is for anybody suffering loss. You can talk to somebody or type out your thoughts.

Kind Regards.

Such a sad time for you, but you are not being selfish at all. It is natural to hurt when our loved ones are suffering. I guess all you can do is be there to support them. My heart goes out to you all.

That’s dreadful for them Cambsnan and hard for you too.All you can do is to be there for them and be, I don’t really know how to put it, quietly positive especially with the DGC.
Be helpful in small ways.Your DD only needs to know that she can rely on you.

Oh Cambsnan how terrible for you and your family. I can only imagine what your DD and GC are going through and I understand how you feel helpless in wanting to take away their pain. Sadly you can’t. All you can do is give them lots of love and support, emotionally and practically. In the meantime perhaps point your daughter to one of the bereavement charities such as Cruse, they provide wonderful support for adults and children.
My thoughts are with you.

www.cruse.org.uk/

You are certainly not being selfish Cambsnan. We lost our very dear Son in Law suddenly and unexpectedly 19 months ago, it was a tremendous shock. I think it is a very natural feeling to want to take the pain away from our DC and DGC, but we can’t. All we do is to be there for them and provide what help, support, advice and love we can. My thoughts are with you and all your family, just take each day as it comes. I expect others will come up with much better words, but I do know how you feel.

Please be kind to yourself Cambsnan. You are grieving, too.
I agree with everyone here, in that all you can do for your bereaved family is continue to be a steady, loving presence.
I wish you all better days ahead.

Thank you all for the kind words

We are going through the same as you as we lost our wonderful daughter in law to cancer Hard to know what is best and each day is different Wish you all the best Keep going

Look after yourself and your daughter and grandchildren- such an awful time -you will all get through it with each others love and support - know that so many others will be sending out love to you as a family.

Oh my gosh - how can you ever think you are being selfish!!
Your family and you are going through such a lot. How sad - your poor DD and GC I wish I could come over and give you all a hug.
I hope you and yours find courage and strength from somewhere. My eyes are filling up as I write this.
bibibetti and all going through similar pain - be brave and know that we are thinking of you. Take care flowers] [flower] xx

There is nothing worse as a mum
Not being able to make things right. Just be there for them, support as much as you can. Do freezer meals, plenty of cuddles for the children, babysitting so your daughter can go out with friends as friends will be a great support to her

Cambsnan I totally understand your pain One of my son in laws died when my grandkids were 4 and 6 It was very very hard for my daughter but they are now 22 and 24 and very very successful They have recently both run a marathon and a ultra marathon raising money for cancer charities in their Dads name ❤️

Lots of empathetic advice for you. I would just add some practical suggestions - cook a favourite meal & deliver it to their home (if practical) - bake them some treats - take your grandchildren to the cinema & large popcorn - book your daughter a facial or hair cut or spa day while you babysit - have a picnic in the woods - take the children shopping with a crisp £20 note each. I know these cost money and there free alternatives, I just like to treat people in extremis to dull their pain for a few moments, such kindness will make a memory.

Just be there if needed and take care of yourself as well. He was your family too and it's not selfish to care. I feel for you and your DD and her children, I hope I never have this loss. Praying for you all. God Bless

So sorry for this grief. I have gone through this too. I think the best you can offer is your quiet constant strength. Dont expect anything from your DD. It is a crisis where she needs you to be a rock. Draw your own comfort from others who are further away from the epicentre. So sorry.. Take care xxxxx

What a terrible thing to befall your family, Cambsnan. My DD's neighbour, child same age as hers, suffered the same loss and it was heartbreaking.
Just a thought: as time goes by, the children will feel the absence of a male figure. Do you have a DH who is their grandfather? And what about the grieving parents of your late SiL? I imagine that their grandchildren will be a comfort to them, and grandparents will be hugely important to the children.
My neighbours' daughter died leaving two children, babies really, too young to remember her. They are now 22 and 20, still seeing our neighbours almost as parents rather than grandparents, although they do also have a good stepmother.
Time will go by. We are a resilient species.

Many years ago I was the bereaved daughter with young children. My parents, especially my father, were so distraught that it was almost an extra burden, but all the same they helped me a great deal.

All Grandmothertoeight’s suggestions are very good. The thing I valued most was time to myself, so anyone who took my children off my hands for an hour or two was a tremendous help. I also appreciated gifts of prepared food, so that I didn’t have to think about meals. Sympathy is good, but practical help is invaluable.

What a heart breaking, sudden and painful loss for you all. Grief can indeed be overwhelming. So be kind to yourself Cambsnan alongside the support you are offering to your daughter. Many have already offered some excellent advice and practical suggestions in ways to support your daughter and her family in their grief. You don't have to deal with your own grief alone - CRUSE Bereavement Support charity has website offering advice and also has a helpline 0808 808 1677, which you can call Monday to Friday, however closed during the weekend. Sending you love and condolences. 💐💐

I’m so sorry to read this, how awful for you all. You are not wrong to feel like this, the pain is absolutely dreadful for you as you can do nothing whatsoever to help your daughter do that’s why you feel so dreadful. My sister died when she was a baby and my mum always said that her death was almost worse for my grandma. I never really understood what she meant until I had my own grandchildren then I realised that I would be able to do nothing to help my daughter if anything should happen to one of her children and do I understood my grandma’s double sorrow. This is a cliche but time will eventually heal your daughter’s pain but it’s a dreadful thing to go through until time dies its job. Lots of love to you

How sad to read of your family's suffering. You must feel so helpless, but remember you are undoubtedly a great comfort to your daughter, and for the children. You are there, a loving steady presence, and that surely means a great deal to them.

I agree with you, my husband died 34 years ago, my 5 children aged from 3 to 18 were the only thing that kept me going, in hindsight there were things that would have helped, giving me a bit of alone time would have been marvellous but didn’t happen, having those folk who said ‘ if you need anything just call’ when you know ruddy well they don’t mean it, most of all the people who for their own reasons didn’t want him mentioned as if he had never existed. I’m afraid folk never know if what they are doing is a help but with grief we have to just work our way through it.

I’m so sorry for your family’s loss. Maybe you could provide a quiet space too for your dgc so that they have the opportunity to talk to you about it. There’s sometimes so much for adults to organise in this situation that children’s feelings and questions inadvertently get overlooked.

You are all suffering and your grief isn’t selfish, especially when it’s about feeling for the suffering of your loved ones.. It will get easier slowly over time. If they are local, you might want to be practical, maybe take the gc out for food, specifically ask your daughter regularly, what you can do, maybe babysit if needed, cook, shop, spend time with them if that’s what they want. If far away, maybe short visits….there or close by. Know that children are so resilient …they will appreciate realising the family structure ( which includes you) will carry on. Be prepared for the long haul and take time for yourself too.

Has anyone had any experience of Cruse, the bereavement support charity?