Funeral No Show

I'm in Ireland so am familiar with the funeral customs! I think you are probably being too sensitive. When my mother died, some of my work colleagues came to the funeral and a good few friends and neighbours. I think it's more important for friends to attend than work colleagues.

You see I thought most of these guys were my friends as we have know each other for nearly twenty years.

It would not occur to me to attend the funeral of a work colleague's family member. The people I work with are my colleagues, not my friends.

Handling death in the workplace is always tricky. As a manager if a team member announced a family death I would say somthing conventional such as "sorry for your loss" and move on quickly to dealing with the practicalities of the situation. That would be to advise them of policy on paid/unpaid leave and get the forms filled out. If the member recieved news of the death while on shift I would ask if she were able to continue and let her leave early, even if the answer was "yes". When the colleague returned I would ask them if they were ok but not get into a big discussion about the death.

In my experience people did not really wish to discuss such matters in the workplace, unless they were particularly freindly with another employee.

Ahhhh- now I can see why the OP is upset. They’ve been colleagues for 20+ years. I read it as you have worked there for 20 years - I didn’t realise your colleagues have worked with you for 20+ years. I have a tendency to fast-read the posts .
I now understand how you feel - I apologise Seansean

Friendlygingercat...would you actually ask a team member are they ok to continue working? That seems crazy to me.

Thank you Crazy H

MollyNew

Hi Seansean, I'm sorry for your loss. The death of a parent is a traumatic experience.

Unfortunately, in my experience, some people just don't know how to deal with death. They don't know what to say or how to react. There are countless reasons for this and if I were you, I wouldn't dwell on it, you have enough on your plate at the moment.

I would take comfort from the fact that 6 people did take the trouble to attend the funeral and support you. I hope that you had other family and friends there too. Those people will be the ones who have more understanding of your situation and can be there for you in the long term. Best wishes to you.

Could not agree more. Plus l don't think men deal very well with death and a lot of other things really.

Not manly etc.

Such is life.

Did you go to all your colleagues' family funerals Seansean?

It's a lovely tradition you have in Ireland except when some people don't bother. That's what hurts.

Here in Scotland I wouldn't attend if I hadn't known the deceased unless I was invited.

Seansean I ll say it again it’s was three months ago you are holding on to your expectations and disappointments which will inhibit your personal grieving
As the famous song says ‘let it go’ it can’t be changed so think of the positives in your life and in your mums life and stop tarnishing her memory with your disappointments which you cannot change

It may be seansean that things are beginning to change a bit in Ireland and move towards the UK customs. Please don't let it distress you do much. Cultures change. Just treasure happy memories.

I am trying to understand why most of the guys didn't go. One of the reasons is that most of them haven't lost a loved one yet and they don't understand what grief feels like.
I think they might be thinking...oh sure his mother was elderly and that I won't be upset because she lived to a good age.
I don't think they realise that it doesn't work like that.

You don’t need to know and you can’t know what’s in anyone else’s mind, but you seem determined to keep picking at this wound which will only keep you in this disappointed, upset state for longer and longer you will not heal while you are holding on tightly to this perceived insult
But that’s your choice you can spoil your memories of your mum by continuing to pick at the wound or you can move on and think about all the happy times and the good relationship you had with her

Thanks BlueBelle. Thank you for that. I think you have nailed down how I feel.
I definitely am picking at this would and I know its not good for me but it's tough at the moment to try and get back to normal.

The fact you recognise it is the first good move you have made in this thread now ask yourself does the friends ‘no show’ make any difference to life with your lovely mum No, of course not but do you know what it is doing? it’s diverting you from grieving properly, is giving you someone to blame for feeling sad and upset it’s giving you an excuse to prolong your sadness
If you really want to help yourself and help your memories forget the colleagues and the ‘no shows’ accept it happened and can’t be changed and concentrate on making your mums memories good and positive ones
Good luck Seansean buy some lovely flowers and put them by a photo of your mum and think of her, not the negatives of the funeral, remember all the past good moments and let it all go, have a good old cry if that will help
Good luck

Seansean

The funeral was on a Sunday and I wasn't expecting everyone to turn up but maybe 15 out of the 20

Goodness, that's unusual in Ireland where I thought a ban was in place on Sunday funerals, at least Catholic ones.

Perhaps if you are Protestant, it could be different.

I am sorry for your loss.

Ah I'm so sorry you feel let down
I think it's incredibly sad that you went home to bed instead of joining your family for the meal after the funeral. Please try to move on, forget about those that didn't attend, think more about those that did.

Thinking of you xx

SeanSean - I'm surprised that no-one has mentioned counselling on here. You are clearly still dealing with the grief of losing your mum and the situation with your work friends is taking over. I think you really should investigate getting some support from a counsellor, one who specialises in bereavement would be ideal.

Good luck and I really hope you can deal with this and learn to treasure the memories you have of your mum.

I’ve been to two funerals in Ireland, my husbands parents, both open caskets in the family home, he’s one of 7 children. Those who paid respects in the family home were family, close family friends and immediate neighbours, no work colleagues of any of the children. Most attended the subsequent church service.
I think your expectations were unrealistic Sean I do hope you have good friends out of work who supported you after your mothers death.

Thanks everyone for all your replies. I know you all gave me good advice and I appreciate it but advice is all fine if I take it on board but thats the issue. I am finding it hard to take everyone's advice because I just can't flip a switch in my head and everything will be ok again.

I know everyone will think I am wrong but it's the way I feel. Why should I give my time to those guys again that didn't turn up or even acknowledge my mother's passing. I have seen some of the guys looking guilty when I came back to work but they still wouldn't acknowledge mother's passing .

I was thinking last night that maybe one of reasons that they may not have turned up is because maybe I though I was more popular with the guys than I really am. Our friendships is probably all one sided.

retrolady I did suggest counselling in my first post and again in my second post
Seansean you can keep going around around in your head and you will never find an answer because all 20 will have a different reason perhaps a) was going out for the day Perhaps
b s kid was ill. Perhaps c) forgot You will never know and by holding on to this believed slight you will only make yourself ill
You don’t have to take anyone’s advice but while you are hanging on and on looking for reasons and answers going round in circles you are wasting precious time and you are tarnishing your mums memory
LET IT GO concentrate on yourself and your love for your mum and if you just can’t, then GET HELP

Do you have friends out of work Sean?

Seansean condolences on your loss.

I honestly think that you should talk things through with a counsellor, if nothing else, it will help you to speak about how you are feeling.
Perhaps feeling that your loss is not acknowledged or validated by others is adding to all those emotions that really are normal after losing someone so close.
I read somewhere once that suffering a bereavement makes you ‘rewrite your address book’ as you find the people you can and cannot rely on, and I think there's a lot of truth in that

Thank you BlueBelle. I actually went for counselling but I don't think he understood what I was going through.

Hi JaxJacky.
No I don't really have any friends outside work .Maybe that's why I'm so upset because I though these guys were friends

How many counselling sessions did you have?

I had counselling a few years ago. It took me at least 3 sessions to settle because I was in such a bad place at the time. I didn't think the counsellor understood me at all. At the end of about 9 sessions I felt so much better.

Your comment about "I just can't flip a switch in my head" suggests to me that you may have unrealistic expectations of yourself. Dealing with grief takes time. It has taken me and my brother a good 2 years to come to terms with the deaths of our other brother and our dad.

Are you familiar with the 5 stages of grief? If you haven't already done so, please have a look at the Cruse.org.uk website. They have a wealth of information.

Don't blame yourself for feeling upset. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to grieve. Please speak to someone, either a friend, a relative or maybe your doctor. All these feelings are going round in your head and tormenting you so you feel worse. It's vicious circle but you will get through it eventually.