Bereavement wipes out everything

Its 19 weeks this week since my DH of of 57 years passed in falling apart cry more and more every day. I miss him so very much I dont want this life without him , he was and still is my life.my world. Still dont eat much or sleep much dont know which way to turn in thoroughly heartbroken. Have made plans to get out a couple times then got let down, cant go out alone in case i fall, cant get up. Spending all my tine weeping for my beloved husband, i doubt i will find a way thru this i love him so much cant let go . In thoughts of all those in their hours of grief. Take care.xx

Many thanks xxxx

Mystyeyes11 thinking of you, as well as everyone else here who is bereaved.

Thank you Dickens for your comments.

twaddle

I lost my sister last week. Her death was expected, but was quicker than expected. We went through a lot together. To say I'm shell-shocked would be an understatement.

I think there's always an element of shock, however expected a death is.
Your mind thinks it may happen "soon" as in next week, or in the nrxt few days, and then suddenly it happens, like a switch being flipped.
Shellshock is exactly the feeling, and it's so difficult to take in.

4allweknow your grief for your daughter I wouldn't insult you by saying I understand that but glad you had your husband with you even for the short time after your daughter dieing. Like I said bone crushing grief can hit out of the blue and you just have to let the tears flow. You have double grief what people don't realise grief hurts mentally and physically. You cry so much your eyes sting and your chest hurts and you think you can't cope well that's how I feel about my husband. For you its worse. But you aren't alone there are people here understand what you are going through.

🫂 to you all .

Kupari45 unfortunately that's what happens when when the other half of yourself dies. After the funeral people disappear from your life and you find out who your true family and friends are and its hard . It made me feel people only put up with me because of my husband. But I some realised it wasn't me they weren't worth my time. And they still had their other half and didn't understand what it feels like. What was strange was couples when had known for years if the husband offered and did a job for me in the home the wife csne to. She would watch me like a hawk talking to her husband. I was 45 when I was widowed but my husband is my one and only. I don't know if I was after their husbands as a replacement. Which was ridiculous.

When their husbands died I helped them best way I could . And when they said about wives coming with their husbands to do a job I didn't sugar coat it and said that's what you did to me. Then they understood how horrible it felt. But they could talk to me and know I understood.

I still help if I can but only with my life experiences . Death brings out the best and worst in people . And I found the people who didn't care where the ones that did and those that I thought cared disappeared.

I am sorry you have cancer and know the only person you want and need you can't have your darling husband. I have felt that way many times. I still talk to my husband everyday ever after 22 years. I still shout at him for dieing and leaving me and swear at him but he had to die the cancer was to great. But when I have a rant at him I see him with that stupid grin on his face as if to say feel better and I do. I still feel the rage and anger over him dieing but I use it in a positive way its what gets me out of bed everyday and faced everything I have since he died in 2004 4 days after his 47th birthday.

Bone crushing grief can still overwhelm me out of the blue even now . I have said it many times if we didn't love we wouldn't grieve . We are the lucky ones we found the other half of ourself and we where theirs . The only person who knew the real you and you them . But we are the lucky ones some people never know that love and feeling of completeness. My brother finally has it with his 3rd wife. When he brought my sister in law to meet me 2 weeks after meeting I said finally someone else I can love and told me he now understands what I had with Mr W.

MT62 when my dad died I only shed a couple of tears looking at his body. Should put this in context. My dad's health went down hill year after my husband died and dad wanted to die . He hated the fact due to his heart failing he became a whizzed, frail old man he used to hit his chest and say this isn't me. Mom wasn't ready to let him go so he battled on hating everyday what he had turned into. I had talked to mom and told her dad wanted to die but she just couldn't let him go. Dad was a very proud man who had suffered at the hands of his father and stepmother but he never called it abuse he used to say they didn't spare the rod . He was the oldest of 7. His mom died when he was 3 and brother 18 months . But he never called is half siblings anything but brothers and sisters. He protected them and took beatings meant for them. His youngest brother was born with Downs but he was cherished by all the family . He went to special day school and then to workshop to make things for the charity to sell. My dad was his idol. He was the only one who wasn't malnourished. Things go so bad dad's siblings where frightened his dad and stepmom would kill him . So he joined the army at 17 as fighting in WW2 was his escape.

This is to show what my dad was like he hated being weak. Two days before he died he said I haven't got long look after your mom. Told him he should know I would always look after her. He still blamed himself for me being born disabled because he had Dengue fever in the army. But I always told him it was just me nothing to do with him as my brother was fine . The day he died mom helped him to the loo at 4am told each other they loved them . When mom woke at 8 she thought he was sleeping it was only when she was washed and dressed and brought him a cup of tea and he was still she touched him and he was cold. She phoned my brother to fetch me and we went over . It still didn't register that dad was dead with her. By his face he must had had a massive heart attack. I have only told one lie due to my rare neurological condition I don't tell lies as I don't remember. Mom asked me if dead people look the same and said yes. But I couldn't let her know dad suffered while she slept nor did I tell her his bladder voided.

Because I had already dealt with my husband dieing I got on with all that needed doing . Once dad's body was removed cleaned the bit of urine abd my brother turned the mattress and we remade the bed. He was in bits.

It wasn't until dad's funeral that I cried. I looked at his coffin and kept thinking it was to big for him . My daughter did the eulogy all about the picnics they took the grandchildren on tears running down her face and I couldn't stop crying . Once the funeral was over . We didn't have a wake . Just back at the house and had food I had prepared just my brother and my family . I didn't and still haven't cried for my dad and he died in 2007.

I loved my dad very much and was a daddies girl but I was coping with my own grief over my husband, had my mom and mother in law to look after.

Not crying for your dad and sister doesn't mean you don't love them in fact its your bodies way of protecting you that's my theory. I didn't cry much after my mom died as mom lived with me last 18 months of her life she had cancer and dementia. Mom died 4 months before her body. My mom would have hated what she became . My parents never slapped us. But dementia turned my mom violent. Its through fear. Imagine waking not knowing who you are ,where or who the person in front of you is. Mom thought I was her mom she told me everyday she loved me mom . I hoped everyday she died in her sleep. Sounds wicked but she wasn't my mom anymore . When she came to live with me she said she wanted to be with dad . She died 10 years after dad.

I did cry for mom but it was relief her suffering and mine was over . I still have scars from my mom . But I have only told strangers what my mom did to me . My children and brother don't know how bad it got.

I know this is a ramble but that's me I can't explain things simply its the way my mind works.

I lost my sister last week. Her death was expected, but was quicker than expected. We went through a lot together. To say I'm shell-shocked would be an understatement.

I know many on here have had their children died. I wouldn't insult you by saying I know how you feel . My nan always said no parent wants to out live their child or children . She of course is right . But unfortunately life isn't like that and many parents out live their child/ children due to illness,accident or by their own hand. No words can describe how a parent feels or copes. But many on here have posted on threads on this forum helping other parents in the same situation. That takes enormous strength and courage but it let's other parents know they are not alone and hopefully that gives them comfort and means they can talk to others in the same situation and be understood.

Hopefully that makes sense . Like I said I don't know that grief but to me that must be the worst grief of all.

Elusivebutterfly

This is a lovely, supportive thread and I have been catching up with it.
Rather late now, but the posts on Saturday 7th June from Dickens, and the later response from MissAdventure, just totally got to me. Having lost my son, the comments make so much sense.

Having lost my son, the comments make so much sense.

I can't read that... and just not respond.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son. It must be a very lonely grief because it's not meant to be this way is it. There are no words of comfort, but know that I am quietly shedding some tears, people care and the comforting thing about humanity is that we can care without knowing you personally but know you as a mother.

This is a lovely, supportive thread and I have been catching up with it.
Rather late now, but the posts on Saturday 7th June from Dickens, and the later response from MissAdventure, just totally got to me. Having lost my son, the comments make so much sense.

Mystyeyes glad I help you. We are all unquie and while grief is a simple word it doesn't cover all the things that happen when grieving. I say the same things grief hurts physically and mentally. I never realised that until my husband died. I had never had anyone talk about how it feels to lose the other half of yourself. I thought I had prepared myself for when my husband died . We knew he had to die there was no saving him . I was glad when he died after telling him to stop struggling and we would be ok. Sounds awful but he was in agony and couldn't breath even on full oxygen and the children didn't know he couldn't see them. All he saw was black shapes .
When it happened a month before he died he still had his sense if humour and said it was ironic he had the cornea graft in 1989 to stop him going blind in his one eye but the cancer by his optical nerve finished the job.

Sorry your darling husband has caused fractures in the family but unfortunately people do show their true colours after a death of a loved one . My mother in law denied she had a son ,had 2 grandchildren and refused to go too their weddings. I hated that woman for 40 years but I looked after her for 11 years after my husband died. I did it for my husband not her . The children still kept in touch and saw her when they could . Its easy to abandon people but I couldn't do that to her she was still my mother in law and the children's nan. She hated me as much as I hated her but she had me down as her emergency contact because she knew I would be there for her 24/7 . Her own brother only turned up after she died. I have only hated 2 people they where my in laws . Wasn't because of the way they treated us but because they never gave my husband the love and attention he needed his whole life .

MissAdventure calling me wonder woman is high praise coming from you . As all you have been through . You have helped me on various threads for years. Those that know you will know all you have been through. But you keep going inspiring others to never give up no matter what is going on in your life.

Have to leave but I will be back 🫂

No to both.

Yes to both Wyllow though not in the early months but I found counselling helped when I understood a bit more about how I was feeling.

I'm just going to ask this as a question to GN's in this situation so that Mystyeyes11 may find them any source of help to them.

Not wanting to probe, just in case its helpful; I do know of others who have found it helped but wont try and speak for them:

1. Has anyone found temporary or slightly longer term medication can relieve the depths described?

2. Has anyone found that either bereavement counselling or maybe later, a group, of any help to them.

xxxx

Getting on with life is all you can do. The alternatives do not bear thinking about.

I’m a widow of 15 months A sudden harrowing death of my husband of 45 years I will never stop grieving him I get on with my life but it’s very hard at times

Thanks mystyeyes & miss adventure.
Oh dear welling up again & I need to go shopping.
I do hope my tears are for my loved ones.
I know how you feel with the chest thing. It’s a real physical pain, isn’t it? 🫂

I cant imagine that i will get to that point there doesnt seem a path through it that i can take but like being in an ocean unable to swim and no land in sight treading water as I sink lower and lower drowning in my own tears my chest has hurt since the day he passed so very heavy like carrying a heavy weight. So very sorry for your losses xxx

I lost a daughter then 3 years later my husband. I can say I still grieve for them. Some days I go about my life nit dwelling on my loss andctgat I am coping and enjoying life. Almost giving myself a pat on the back proud of myself at how I manage to deal with life. Then like a bolt of lightning I'm hit with thinking about what I and they have lost. Grief doesn't seem to go, I think we learn to manage it within our life.

I too lost my husband of 57 years in february he was 84. My whole world in one wonderful man, ive cried every day since. Its true people do just vanish in my neighbourhood I have become invisible. Even my own family have distanced themselves from me, so many arguments since my DH passedI have poor walking mobility and sometimes fall and cant get up. I now find myself trying to work out going out by myself, having spent 4 years in the home as my husbands carer which i would do again in a heartbeat ive lost confidence .i am considering myself to be sat in gods waiting room hoping he calls my number soon rather than later. I wish you well as you go through this horrendous journey, pleasetake care of yourself xxx

My husband died suddenly in February, so I'm still in a state of shock. The last few weeks have taught me a lot about human nature.
At the funeral several people said just ring me if you need help or fancy a cuppa. Well the first two weeks I did reach out to neighbours for lifts to supermarket. and advice on local tradesmen.
Do you know I am shocked at how nobody responded, all of a sudden they were all busy doing things. When I meet someone I know in our village they always look embarrased, are they frightened bereavement is infectious.! So now I am dealing with tradesman who never turn up, and I never have any visitors. I use the bus all the time as I cant drive. Have just started volunteering two afternoons a week. Have a daughter in Yorkshire , and I have Peritoneum cancer , I'm 81 so hoping I wont live too long on my own. One women in the village has taken to stopping me and giving me advice about how to cope on my own, which is difficult to grasp as she is married to a healthy man, and has no idea how much it hurts when your husband dies suddenly. The pain is indescribable. Thinking of you all who are in the same boat as me.

I believe hearts should be opened not broken xxxx

Just so x

Speaking words that open another's heart.