Late husband's Birthday - what to do?

I'm going to start by saying that I'm not sure that I can help at all with ideas that will work for you. All I can say is what I do. I don't try to keep myself busy - it's a special day, it'll never not be his birthday. However, I have a small group of very close friends who will text me on that date (and our wedding anniversary). And on both those days (and my birthday) I usually have a meal at my daughter's. We choose a menu he would have appreciated and one of his favourite wines. If you haven't got family nearby to see sometime on that date, have you family/close friend you could Zoom/WhatsApp? What did you used to do to celebrate his birthday?

My son died last year and on his birthday I arranged to have lunch with my brother and his wife. We do not meet very often so it was a special occasion.

My H would have been 90 in March, he died 7 years ago.
Just as we did when he was here we have a family meal with his favourite foods.
I would never ever not do something, it keeps him in out memory as a special day.
We do of course think of him constantly but don’t speak about him every day, just the special ones.

I have a selection of cards we sent to each other over the years,
At Christmas I put up cards from both of us. Valentine’s Day the same and our wedding anniversary. On his birthday I will put up a card I’ve sent to him and ones from our sons and grandchildren and on my birthday I put up a card he’s sent me.
I will probably go to the hospice where he died as it’s a beautiful peaceful place and I visit for a chat to him.
The family will share a toast to him in the evening with one of his favourite wines.

It’s very much each to their own. A friend just ignores these type of days, he says they are just another number, another day - and that’s fine it’s his way of coping.
I do something my husband would have ordinarily done, impart to honour him, makes me feel less weepy in a bad way, and gets me moving though it. So that might be cinema and fish and chips, or a packed lunch and a long walk, or simply at home with fish and chips, a cider and an action movie in front of the fire in PJs.

Having said that, the first anniversary I did get rip roaringly drunk- not my best move, and one my colleagues took great delight in making me suffer the next day. So best not follow my example.

It was the first birthday since his passing in April. He hated fuss when he was here and I decided to spend it alone. Our family respected this though I had lots of phone calls and texts. I spent the day quietly looking through old photos and walking around our garden talking to him about future gardening projects. In the evening I had a take away and bottle of wine and watched one of his favourite comedy films. The following weekend we visited the church yard as a family where some of his ashes are buried with our son. Some tears and laughter whilst we reminisced and then we went out for lunch. It worked for me this year and I feel I got the balance right. Whether I feel the same next year I don’t know. Everyone is different. My sister made sure every minute of her late husband’s birthday is filled as she doesn’t want time to remember on that particular day. It’s a very personal decision and whatever you choose to do I hope it brings you comfort. My thoughts and virtual hugs to you Pennylucky 🌹

It’s five years since my DH died, and I don’t do anything in particular to celebrate his birthday. This year I planned to take flowers to his grave, managed to cut my leg quite badly as I left the house. I spent the rest of the day with my leg raised to stop it bleeding! I cooked his favourite dinner though, then took the flowers the next day!
My daughters both rang in the evening, but it was a working day for them both so they weren’t able to visit me.
I think you have to do whatever feels right for you.

My DH died 11 years ago and his birthday would have been in two days time. I always light a candle by his photo and sometimes go to take flowers to his grave.

This year is doubly sad as my lovely brother in law died a year ago on my DH’s birthday so I will be thinking of them both.

I hope you get through the day ok Pennylucky, these anniversaries are always bittersweet thinking of all the happy times and wishing they hadn’t had to end. Sending hugs.

My late disabled son loved gardening so now each year on his birthday we find a garden to visit and we remember him with peace and tranquility and fond memories.

I don’t do anything really, although I’m always conscious of the day. Similarly, I don’t do anything on the anniversary of his death 5 years ago either, although for the first couple of years I took the DD’s out for dinner, but that’s lapsed and now, we all just remember him in our own ways. His ashes were scattered in a private, windswept, Godforsaken place, with no public access and it’s somewhere I have no desire to visit.

Thank you for these suggestions and I am grateful to you all for your kind comments.

I like the idea of fish and chips takeaway, or if weather nice maybe a trip to a seaside restaurant with my daughter and family after work/school finishes for them. We always used to go for a meal or have a takeaway when he was alive.

During the day I think I will visit the crematorium where I have a memorial rose bush and spend some quiet time there.

Redcar - that sounds like a disaster! Glad you managed to rectify it with a nice meal.
Doodle - I like the idea of putting up cards from previous birthdays as well.

Thanks again everyone for your support.

I try to do something that I know I will enjoy on my late husband's birthday, on mine, on our wedding anniversary and all the other significant days of the year.

Admittedly, this does not always make me feel better.

Sometimes, I just try to ignore the date, as I did last week on what would have been my younger sister's 70th birthday, which I spent it house-cleaning!

I suppose it does get easier as time goes by - nearly 2 years for you and nearly 3 for me, is not long, so it is naturally still very, very hard, but when I compare this with the fact that I find it much easier not not to miss my parents who died 17 and 24 years ago respectively, I trust we will find our husbands' deaths easier too, as time goes on.

I don't really do anything different. Sometimes my DDs arrive and take me down to the grave to put some flowers, but if they don't that's OK by me. I know he is not forgotten.

I do visit the grave most months, birthday of course, take flowers from her garden if possible, and spend a few moments to reflect on the good times.
It's what she would have wanted

My late husband was called David!

I agree with you that spending time remembering the good times is what he would have wanted too.

AuntieE - I often think that as well - my dad died when I was 21 and my mum when I was 32. It was devastating for me as we were so close, but my little family pulled me through it. Had to carry on for my little 9 month old baby girl, and my husband supported me all the way. And now I function well knowing I was lucky to have such a happy childhood thanks to them. They will never be forgotten, and the years fly by. But losing a spouse also means losing the future you thought you had. I find some comfort that it is not him having to carry the burden of grief, so I will carry it for both of us.

Significant dates pass by unnoticed, it seems, for me.
I used to get texts, but its not realistic to think I can intrude on other people's lives after 7 years.
I buy a little bunch of flowers and stand them beside my daughters photo.

I would either cook a favourite meal or book his favourite place to eat with those close to you.

MissAdventure

Significant dates pass by unnoticed, it seems, for me.
I used to get texts, but its not realistic to think I can intrude on other people's lives after 7 years.
I buy a little bunch of flowers and stand them beside my daughters photo.

MissAdventure 💐

Thank you.

same here, 2 years ago, married 56 years, i just put up a card, and go out somewhere

There are just two weeks between my late husband celebrating with a picnic in our pandemic ‘bubbles’ and him having another picnic on the day he died, suddenly and totally unexpectedly. So I do a picnic for myself or other family members who are off work that day. He loved a long long walk, climbing trees and then a picnic. Family who can’t come send me lovely flowers and I get messages too. Other than the picnics I don’t really do anything else but all day I am aware of the significance. After 53 years it can’t be any different and I wouldn’t want it to be. We do what we’re comfortable with without going to extremes.
On his first anniversary of losing him I arranged to meet up with our friends. Big mistake, they bickered like children so I never did that again.

Doodle

I have a selection of cards we sent to each other over the years,
At Christmas I put up cards from both of us. Valentine’s Day the same and our wedding anniversary. On his birthday I will put up a card I’ve sent to him and ones from our sons and grandchildren and on my birthday I put up a card he’s sent me.
I will probably go to the hospice where he died as it’s a beautiful peaceful place and I visit for a chat to him.
The family will share a toast to him in the evening with one of his favourite wines.

what a lovely idea with the cards.

Four years down the line, I always buy roses on his birthday - red and white (team colours) - and raise a glass of malt to him before the day ends. I tell him daily that I love him and always will. I know he would do the same and there’s some small solace in that. In three weeks time it would have been our 60th anniversary. I pride myself that I am getting on with my life, but I know I will never have certainty again.