Early Days - Can't stop crying

Crying releases stress hormones in the tears. Let it happen.

I recommend the "single dose" eyedrops for dry/irritated eyes, sold in pharmacies. Slightly more expensive than a multidose bottle but less risk of cross infection .

Also, Bachs Rescue Remedy ( a couple of drops on the tongue), from good pharmacies and Holland and Barrat. Essence of flowers, harmless and soothing when overwhelmed.

I played very many recordings by Snatam Kaur, day and night, they are meditative chants and very beautiful. They helped me get through this awful first stage of grief. There are many on youtube

This particular one helped me to release grief when I was holding it in too much.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6xmw70S178&list=PL3IHTtnIQ7Zr0NeAafrk_SSAMABrlWpMU

Although I am 4 years down the line the grief has not lessened actually I think it may be worse. I miss him so much!
I try and think of the wonderful years we had together. Just a thought but you grieve because you loved him/her.

I'm trying to deal with all the admin after my DH's death and finding it very difficult. I tried Cruse but they were no help at all. I felt the advisor was unsympathetic and she ended the call after a couple of minutes.

Chaitriona Your post describes so well how I feel. 2 months after DH died.
It is a grief pain that doubles me over. Seventy five per cent of the day I am ok and can get on with the admin, or gardening or sorting his things and looking sfter myself through cataract surgery and subequent eye problems.

But twenty five percent of the time catches me unawares and doubles me over. Sundays are worst as it had been a gentle day for 2 years of listening to the radio with him and talking all day. Different from week days.

My eyes are sore anyway and crying makes them worse.

I have to fill my days with distractions but also have to have time for just thinking and remembering which is hard.

Our elder daughter also has severe ME and our younger daughter is finding the loss of her dearly loved Dad hard to cope with.

So today I am thinking of all the GNs like me in the early days and all those who have been on their own for some time.

Sorry, no advice re the eyes etc but gentle virtual hugs to all that are going through a horrible period of a very difficult time.

Thank you Notspaghetti.

I too empathise having just suffered a significant bereavement my self. Ive never cried so much and couldn't believe how painful it it dealing with grief. I dont get sore eyes as such, maybe because Im already prescribed daily eyedrops for an eye condition. However I think I get dehydrated because of the awful headaches I get from crying so I drink plenty of water and take paracetamol which helps ease the headaches. Sorry if I've not been much help, hopefully some help can be gained from other GNs. Love to every one 💐 ❤️

So sorry for your loss. Sore eyes poor you. Maybe try comfort drops get them over the counter and you can get them suitable for contact lens wearers too. The natural route, bathe your eyes with witch hazel available at pharmacies or maybe just talk to a pharmacist for their informed remedy.

I am so sorry. I too lost my husband. In June. He was strong, fit, healthy and my carer as I have had quite severe ME for decades. Both he and our only daughter who also has ME were diagnosed with cancer out of the blue. His was advanced and he died at home after just a few weeks. It was very challenging for me to look after someone dying when I am very unwell myself. My daughter should recover but is now undergoing chemotherapy etc. I have had to be as strong emotionally as I can be for them both. My daughter cries. From time to time I get this awful grief feeling in my solar plexus. I have cried. But not too much. As people have said everyone is different in grief. Because of my ME, I am not really well enough to withstand too much crying. My eyes are dry at the best of times. I use a night gel Xailin which is very helpful. Day drops Hycosan can also be soothing.
I found every time I got rid of one of his possessions I felt grief. But each time it helped me to do so. His car sitting in the street was one of the worst things. It felt wrong to mourn a car when a man had died. But a friend explained to me that it symbolized all the care he had given me because he drove me everywhere as I am too ill to drive.
Only once did I phone the Cruse helpline when I felt I needed to talk about the anger I felt at the lack of palliative care for my husband in his last days. I did cry then. But it was helpful.
Talking to friends who have lost their husbands has also been very helpful. I have had some very deep conversations and more understanding for them than I had before. We are never alone with painful experiences. They are a part of every life.
My daughter and I talk most because we knew him best. As she was so ill she didn't leave home till her thirties. That is a great support to me. Because we can talk about him most realistically.
But there are things you can't share with a daughter. One of the strange things is that my memories of us both being young have come back strongly. We met in our early twenties. More romantic than sexual memories as such but how strange it is to lose a body I have been so familiar with all my life. I rubbed his back a lot in his final days.
Many people think repressing crying is a bad thing. My daughter does. But she is not crying all the time. Distractions are also good. It is not wrong to enjoy things as well.
I am helped a lot by Buddhist mediations on suffering. But that is not for everyone.
But any spiritual beliefs we may have even if we are not religious are a support.
Unfortunately it is the nature of life that we suffer. But you husbands suffering is at an end now. I hope you have had love. I think you have because you are so sad. Your memories cannot be taken away. I hope in time they will become a source of happiness rather than pain. For you and me both.
Look after yourself and be as kind to yourself as you can. Our immune systems are low at times of grief especially if we are old.
I write all this as a sister in grief and loss. I ask for your blessing and send you mine.

yogitree - use Hycosan (available from amazon and opticians). There is no preservative in this and eye surgeons recommend it for lubricating and calming eyes because it is deemed safe. Most other eye gels and drops have some kind of preservative in them. Marie Curie Helpline is good, but also try Cruse. Your grieving process is entirely natural and personal to you, there's no pattern to follow despite what many people believe. So if you need to cry and might do this for a prolonged time, use organic cotton wool to bathe your eyes, and if possible use distilled water or water that you've boiled in your kettle and allowed to cool. I am so sorry for how you feel right now.

Exactly it feels like madness

Thinking of you yogitree and those who have suffered a recent bereavement. Sending you all a virtual hug.

Why Grief Tears Are Different

Grief tears fall into the emotional category.
They differ from basal and reflex tears in several ways:
Higher protein content:
Emotional tears have a higher concentration of proteins than reflex or basal tears.
Stress hormones:
They help your body flush out stress-related chemicals and toxins built up during emotional distress.
Natural painkillers:
They contain natural endorphins and neuropeptides, such as leucine-enkephalin, which help soothe pain and lift your mood after crying.

mernice

If you’ve lost a lovely husband of 60 years, thinking of the happy times might only make the sadness worse …. take it from me that can feel like a very glib thing to say to someone.

yogitree first off I’m so sorry for your loss.
The tears you cry when you grieve are different to ordinary tears. Don’t try and hold back. If you feel like crying cry.
I cried every day for over a year when my DH died. I still cry some days. Bathing your eyes and face with warm water, I found made them feel better. Forget makeup for a while. I haven’t worn mascara since. Seemed pointless.
Someone suggested Cruise counselling and I second that. A good counsellor can help.

Thinking of the good times can be even more painful, it brings home what you’ve lost.
There are many on GN who know what you’re going through. Post whatever you like whenever. You will always get support.

Indiebee

Yogitree, Helterskelter1 and Barleysugar - we are with you, unable to ameliorate your loss, but remembering the sad desperation. Wishing you peace and strength. 💐💐💐

Wishing you peace and strength too. My thoughts are with you and it is good that you can share here.

I expect many of us understand how you must feel. Take care of yourself as much as you can.
This is when close friends and family are needed. One of course never forgets those so close but life will very gradually get better.
All the best

Thank you for the link Frogoet. It’s helpful, even if I cried as I read it. The further link to sensing the person’s presence was a relief to read, that I’m not going mad.

Cucumber slices or cold tea bags are fab 💐

If you’ve lost a lovely husband of 60 years, thinking of the happy times might only make the sadness worse …. take it from me that can feel like a very glib thing to say to someone.

Blephasol derma eye cream is soothing and very light. You can use it on your eyelids and underneath your eye. Take care x

So sorry for your distress - as you see you are not alone. For the sore eyes, the skin around will settle soon. Meanwhile my Consultant (I have glaucoma +) says firstly gentle but firm wipe from centre to outer with warm water soft cloth, then plain moisturiser (brand like Simple) - morning and evening if you can fit it in.

Yogitree and HelterSkelter1 and Barleysugar
I am so very sorry for your losses, it's the worst time possible and many of us on here know that. We all deal with these enormous losses so differently and crying is a good way to relieve some of the stresses involved and if posting on this site can help in any way then I'm sure you will always receive a caring and thoughtful response. Take care all of you.

I found this helpful

I am so sorry you are experiencing this and know exactly what you mean. Husband died Sept last and then my lovely dog unexpectedly. It felt as though I cried from Sept through to April. And beyond.
The stages of grief as explained by Cruse are quite clear though how that presents may be different.
The first two months are full of practical steps and the shock is a buffer.
Pls consider approaching CRUSE. It did help.
www.cruse.org.uk/understanding-grief/effects-of-grief/five-stages-of-grief/