Bereavement counselling

Having had a lot of grief counselling after my partner died young 17 years ago, tbh, I regret it.
I feel now it held me in the state of grief rather than looking forward or just accepting things.
I have had that therapy and also psychological therapy since. I can see in some ways it was useful - someone outside your immediate family who you can say anything to if you need to. But, honestly, I think I would have been better taking my dog on a pilgrimage, out in the open and physically good.
In hindsight, rumination is usually not good for us. I think we do it too much.

Wise words FGT2 at 09:59

...the awful reality just slams into you that he really is just GONE.

I still experience that, and it's been almost 14 months since I lost my OH.

But I think you are right, it might be a well-worn phrase - but time does heal, hopefully, for most of us. I think what the passing of time does, is slightly smooth out the sharp corners of grief which then allows you to slowly accept the new reality.

HelterSkelter1
That you aren't sure would suggest you would probably benefit from some sessions or time at a group for anyone having experience of bereavement.

And yet I’m not sure a group session would’ve been right for me. I was so subsumed by my own grief that listening to others crying won’t have been what I needed at that time.

But once again one size doesn’t fit all.

HelterSkelter1 - I am sorry for your loss. As a psychotherapist who worked voluntarily on the bereavement counselling team in a London Hospice for several years, I urge you to hold on for the hospice bereavement counsellor because that person will be properly trained and allow you to explore your grief. After the trauma of losing a loved one, it takes about 12 weeks before anything like a 'normal' routine/life can even begin to appear and that's why that length of time is used as a loose benchmark but some people show more than stress at that point and really do need the support whereas others have found a way to manage, and ultimately there is no one way to cope with grief that works for everyone. So, please call the hospice again. As others have mentioned CRUSE is another possibility, and the Loss Foundation yet another. I hope you start your bereavement therapy soon.

HelterSkelter1

At the moment it is the emptiness of the house which is so difficult. Not the quietness as I have radios on upstairs and down. Coming back indoors after I have been out is just awful. But I know I will have to get used to it.

When you're out, you see activity and hear people talking, laughing - you're absorbing normal life. Returning, you open the door, and there's just stillness, everything in the house is just as you left it, quiet and empty. And I think this can have the same impact, almost - as the shock of a sudden loud noise. It hits you in the same way.

Yes I miss my normal life. Today I had lunch with some friends and coming home would have told DH about it. And then realise he has gone and will never come back. I want to go back 10 years.

I will contact the hospice and Cruse have replied to my email with the name of someone who will ring me. So I am on the pathway.

Thank you for the lovely quotations. The "not joined at the hip but joined at the heart" was a tear jerker. How very true.

I had the double whammy of our son dying very suddenly and unexpectedly, then almost immediately after, nursing my husband through terminal cancer.
I haven’t been offered counselling, until very recently, but don’t think it would be helpful. I think I’ve worked through my grief on my own and accepted the wretched situation…
I’m sure it can help a lot of people, but not for me.

grandMattie your grief must have floored you at times dear lady. 💐

A GP who I'd never met rang me after my Dh had passed away to say there was a bereavement counsellor at the surgery who did group therapy sessions. I live near a small village where everybody seems to know all about everyone. Even if you could rely on the counsellor to keep confidences there was no way I could talk about personal things in front of strangers who might go off and gossip.

I have used bereavement counselling twice and found it very useful. The first instance was in 2013 when i lost one of my sisters aged 59 in 2013 to cancer . It was my local hospice and they were very good.
The second was in 2023 when i had lost both my mum and my other sister within a year. I was totally bereft and though my husband was his usual lovely supportive self i needed someone else to talk to so i went through the counsellors register and found a wonderful lady local to me .

knspol ... I was interested in your reply .... I live in a rural area and understand your feeling.
I must be clear that properly trained and supervised counsellors can absolutely be trusted when it comes to confidentiality and do a wonderful job.
But I did have my fingers burned initially. The hospice offered me bereavement counselling and I agreed for this to be with the supervised trainee counsellor who was offered.
At some point I was chatting with a neighbour who indicated in passing that she knew I had seen this person. I am not sure how she knew as the hospice is a distance away and I have no reason to think the content of our conversation had been repeated. But it was clearly unacceptable thst she should know this.
It was at this point that I turned to CRUSE who were very helpful.

I believe the key to benefitting from therapy is the therapeutic relationship. Trust in the therapist is essential for the ‘client’ to feel safe enough to share the extent of feelings, to feel heard, understood, not judged. I can’t imagine the distress caused if the person in therapy discovers neighbours are aware s/he had seen and opened their heart to a therapist, there must be anxiety that the confidentiality had been destroyed.
I feel fortunate in being confident the therapist who helped me understands+the significance of confidentiality

One thing my lovely counsellor said was “if you want to cry, play music. If you don’t, don’t”. Very true especially in the early days. Music is a very powerful emotional medium.

And scent of course. One day I had a medical appointment and I was feeling apprehensive so I spritzed some of Himself’s aftershave on my wrists to feel he was near.

Anything that gets you through the worst of times to guide you towards acceptance.

As I said upthread, time heals (some).

HelterSkelter im so sorry for your loss.
I think we all approach grief differently depending on what sort of person we are, what our relationship with our loved one was like. With counselling I think it’s the same. Some think it’s of great benefit other no help at all. I think a lot depends on the counsellor you get.
I went with Cruse as the waiting list for the hospice was so long. When they first rang to say they had someone I could talk to i said i thought i was probably doing alright on my own and I would leave it. A few weeks later i changed my mind and contacted them. I’m glad I did as the person I spoke to definitely helped me.
There are phrases I hate. Well meaning I know but ‘new normal’ drives me mad. There is nothing ‘normal’ about my life now. Time changes things but I do not ‘accept’ I live with what I have to.
Keeping distracted helped me and I’ve made some lovely and kind friends but nothing makes up for missing the person I spent 57 loving years with.
I don’t know if it will help you or not but I talk to my DH all the time and when I come home I say out loud we’re back because I carry him with me all the time so when I come home he comes with me. Sorry that probably sounds quite mad but it helps me. Take care.💕

I hope you reported that, Luckygirl. That’s a terrible breach of confidence.

Whatever gets you through, FGT.

I had my first session today. The counsellor was lovely and I feel 100% that she will be a safe space for me so I am seeing her again next week.

I had been weeping, sobbing my heart out, absolutely distraught most of the day when l finally picked up my iPad and saw today’s post. Oh how it all resonated with me. My darling husband died eight weeks ago and l have been struggling with the brutality of his devastating loss totally every day since. Reading all the responses gave me a degree of comfort knowing others were/have been going through exactly what I was now doing. My condolences, love and hugs go out to you all. x

GN at its best langelei.
Sorry for your own loss. 💐 and a virtual hug x

langelei

I had been weeping, sobbing my heart out, absolutely distraught most of the day when l finally picked up my iPad and saw today’s post. Oh how it all resonated with me. My darling husband died eight weeks ago and l have been struggling with the brutality of his devastating loss totally every day since. Reading all the responses gave me a degree of comfort knowing others were/have been going through exactly what I was now doing. My condolences, love and hugs go out to you all. x

langelei, early days for you, I'm so sorry to read your post. Many of us have been where you are now when the grief is so raw. You're not alone.

There are few words that comfort, this is a journey the heart makes alone, but the adjustment to your new reality does come, very slowly. The first time I understood this is when I realised that the reason for feeling so devastated was because I'd had the kind of relationship that perhaps so many never experience, and this is the price we pay for it.

My condolences to you.

Well expressed Dickens. It’s that knowledge that what we had was so bluddy wonderful. Not every couple is so blessed. I do look back over the 53 years we had together with abject gratitude and told my counsellor that thinking of my loss in that way made me realise how lucky I had been. He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years and the loss of his support and love. As he said, that’s the flip side. The inevitable trade off.

FriedGreenTomatoes2

Well expressed Dickens. It’s that knowledge that what we had was so bluddy wonderful. Not every couple is so blessed. I do look back over the 53 years we had together with abject gratitude and told my counsellor that thinking of my loss in that way made me realise how lucky I had been. He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years and the loss of his support and love. As he said, that’s the flip side. The inevitable trade off.

... "He said but also you now have to contemplate your life ahead without that person who has been such a huge part of your life all these years"...

Yes, this - you begin to understand that you will never be the same person again, you have not only lost your beloved OH, you've also lost the person you were with him.

I remember your many previous comments, some quite amusing, on Himself's 'observations' - on the news, or on a TV programme, etc. He was so woven into your existence.

I think this is what is so hard to deal with, it's so unfamiliar.

I'm very sorry for your loss OP. I had grief counselling at one time and it was helpful in having somewhere to unload and reflect. It didn't help with the loss itself as no amount of counselling was going to bring the person back, but at least I did have somewhere to unload and think out loud. I think that's what I needed more than anything.

Thanks Dickens and FGT, it’s a comfort to hear your comments that resonate strongly with me.

I remember the gradual realisation that grief would always walk with me, so acknowledging that and deciding to befriend rather than try and banish it seemed worth a try. Counting blessings, remembering the love and fun we shared became easier. This year hasn’t been tough with big stuff, especially health related for me and my loved ones. I’ve.been the calm, go to one but recently the recognition that I miss the person I was before my husband died has been clear.

I sometimes think that in general people really have no concept of what it is like to be elderly and widowed - the norm of the woman left behind in their latter years is so common that it goes by unnoticed.

The pain is not always recognised. And it is pain - and it does not go away - we learn to live with it, but the absence of that soulmate is always a black hole. And people expect us to adapt and just bash on .... which somehow we do.

Good point Luckygirl

I rarely listen to women’s hour these days. I often feel the programme stops being interested in women post menopause.