how often do you visit the care home

Kittylester Years ago when caring at home for my mother suffering from dementia I found photos very useful and provoked memories-often the only thing to produce a response, even if she couldn't identify the people in them.or gave them incorrect names.
love to all carers

Having said previously my mother is completely with it, today she insisted there are mice in her room (2nd floor, two year old spotless care home). She says it's not the medication, not like when she was seeing snakes while in hospital. I've also found out that she's only been out of bed a couple of times when I took her - she has been complaining of being left in her chair too long when she hasn't sat in it at all - describing things she's seen from the window which can't have been possible and other stuff which just doesn't make sense when I think about it. I fear reality, imagination and dreams are beginning to blur. This happened with my dad in the later stages of his cancer too.

I hope she's not right about the mice!

It is one of the hardest decissions for a family to make...and with all the adverse publicity it is no wonder people are worried that the care home they choose may not be the right one for their loved one...There are many excellent care homes out there unfortunately they never make the news...

If you are looking for a care home go on to the Care Quality Commission website..You will be able to download the latest reports on any care home throughout the country... It will also help you to decide if the care they offer meets your needs..

If you have a relative with dementia the Alzheimers society offer help and support for anyone suffering or caring for someone with all forms of dementia..

Agree that it's a hard decision to make Ausgrandma but I disagree about looking at the CQC website. They had done an inspection of the appalling home my mum had just moved from. It got top marks. The CQC only measure what is measurable. Not the actuality of day to day lives for the residents. Visiting is the only answer and asking relatives while you are there.

NFK nonny (((hugs)))

Thanks Maniac. Mum had loads of photos around in her room at her residential home and one of my brothers made one of those books with her life story told in photos but she never looked at it unless we talked to her about it. The unit in which she is currently has no space at all for photos. She seems to like photos of her DGGC but only, I think because they are children not because she knows who they are.

I'm off to visit in a minute - not looking forward to it at all. Apparently, last time my brother was there the chap in the room next door was wandering around the corridor starkers.

Hope all is going well for Merlot today.

kittilester Sounds as though the home your mum was in didn't have a thorough inspection..Unless in the three years since I left care it has changed drastically..I can only go by my own experience as a registered manager. The CQC inspector used to came into the home unannounced and spend up to two days talking to residents, families and staff...sampled the food, checked staff records, staff training records, staff supervision records, medication, care plans, policies and procedures. I do hope now that they have to inspect hospitals, dentist etc they haven't stretched themselves too far...

I agree you should always go to the care home and speak to the staff and residents.. be wary of homes that give you a time to visit even better to go unannounced..

I am pleased you have found a home that specialises in dementia and will be able to meet your mums needs...

I'm 45 minutes away from my mum's care home and usually aim to visit once a week. She is currently in hospital with a broken hip and I have been visiting at least twice a week, as it is such a long day in there with no visits. It has been easier for me since I retired last Summer, but still a long way to go to find her asleep when I get there. She doesn't know who I am, but changed from worried and miserable looking to smiling by the time my sister and I left her today.

It will feel strange not having to visit Mum every day because of concerns about her care and safety. Her new nursing home is 45 mins away but if things continue to go well I hope to visit twice a week. DH is worried that she might miss seeing me so often but he has been so brilliant in supporting me these last few months that I think it's now his turn for a bit of TLC.

I'm not counting my chickens but for now it's nice to chill

I had to put my father into a care home about two years ago. He was a hoarder who had ruined his house filling it with all kinds of dirt and rubbish. My mother was forced to live in a separate part of the house. They had no central heating, a broken toilet and dangerous stairs. I think he must have had something like Aspergers syndrome as well. Though I am sure he loved me in his way he was very difficult to grow up around and my mother was always at war with him about money. When he fell into his hoard of rubbish and could not get out, we realised that his eccentricity had become dementia. His personality actually became improved by the dementia, he was less explosive and more sweet. He had unfortunately left me a pile of rubbish and a virtually derelict house that I could not sell. All his savings have gone toward his care, leaving nothing for my mother. He did not leave a will. I have had to piece together all his documents and try to understand applying for power of attorney and getting benefits for my mother.
I took him to the care home and tried to visit him regularly and take him out, but it is very stressful and scary. Recently I realise that I do not want to go. He recognises me, and just wants to escape and go home, he does not realise he has dementia or that he made his house virtually uninhabitable.
I can no longer take going through the guilt of leaving him there over and over. I think the trauma of having to deal with all this is finally hitting me and I am so angry with him. I have wished him dead and then I feel guilty. My mother does not want to visit him.My brother has helped as much as he can. My sister has refused to help.
The care workers are very good, but he is in the home virtually all the time it is like a prison for him. If he would forget who I was then I would not mind visiting, I want him to forget, he has been a burden for so long in one way or another that I just want him to go. I am ashamed of all this, I cannot be the person I would like to be.

Yes, I think I do want to resurrect this thread. rosetinted your current situation sounds very sad.

Too often people forget when talking about older people in care that they were not all delightful, caring and loving parents in every way who are now deserted by callous sons and daughters but frequently have always been difficult people, whether that reason was nature, nurture, illness or mental condition.

The feelings and emotions you are going through now are normal and felt by far more people than are prepared to admit to them. I was the long distance carer for an elderly relative for several years and when in the depths of dealing with him at times I felt like you, wishing he would die, because he made life so difficult for me; but the feelings did eventually pass as he settled into his care home and we agreed his house would be sold.

Why not talk to someone in the home about his difficulty settling and see what they advise. This cannot be an uncommon problem. Speak to Age UK, they may be able to put you in touch with a support group or a councillor with experience of counselling people in your situation.

The main thing to remember rosetinted is that there are many carers out there feeling like you and feeling just as guilty, there is no problem with you. You are doing very well in difficult circumstances. What you feel are merely signs that the situation is beginning to exhaust you physically and mentally and it is you who now needs help and support. Speak to the home, Age UK or your GP and get that help.

Hello rosetinted, I too think that you have done really well to get the best care for your dad in difficult circumstances. I know only too well how exhausting it is to deal with a difficult relative in a care home even when they are loved and are still compos mentis. In your case I am not at all surprised that you're finding the current circumstances more than you can bear and think that FlicketyB's advice and observations are worth paying heed to.

ninathenana I think Mishap has said exactly what I would say. If you know she is safe and secure you are doing fine.

It is very interesting to see how many of us are in this position. My mother is still at home and like Nonny's mum wants to say in her own home. As she is 94 I am hoping she can but I am also aware that this can only be while she is safe and secure. I see myself as my mother's main carer but I am beginning to manage the care rather than provide it myself as she need more carer input.

The only thing I would say is that, if you live close by and if it works for you, I might think about more but shorter visits. That would not affect your Mum but would be easier for you. You are doing a wonderful job but, a bit like having children, guilt comes with it whatever we do.

I went to visit my mother-in-law on Friday in a home.
She introduced me to the carers as her daughter-in-law, although she could not remember my name. By the time I left I was her parents' cousin.

The worst thing was that she kept telling me to go and get my husband as she had something to tell him. She insisted that he was in the restaurant eating a sandwich as she had seen him just a few minutes earlier.
Eventually after she tried to get up to go and get him, I reminded her that he had died three years earlier. She asked if she had been told about it.

I left after an hour this time, whereas normally I would stay for at least two hours.
In one of her better moments she said she wished the family had been closer. I didn't tell her it was her fault that we were not, having thrown every one of her sons out of her house at various times because nobody was allowed to argue with her.

This thread was originally started by me in April '13.
As it has been resurrected I would just like to say, mum has since passed away.
Wishing strength to all you carers

I hope her passing was peaceful nina.

I am sorry I didn't realise ninathenana. I do hope life is going well for you now.

So has mine since I commented on this thread, nina.

I also wish strength and resiliance to carers.

Hang on in there

I'm sorry for those of you who have lost loved parents!

I won't go into my mum and our relationship again but I do feel for rosetinted. I agree with the advice you have been given.

On the occasions mum has touched a nerve with me, the senior carers have been brilliant with me! I get a cup of tea, a listening ear and a warm hug! I have two brothers who share 'caring' for mum but it is the staff who are on the spot and who give instant 'love'. They know all about mum's relationship with her children but I have not seen any change in their attitude to her.

Jen, it's flipping exhausting isn't it? Yesterday mum spent ages complaining, to me, that she hasn't seen her only daughter since she moved there! And, how surprised she was that DH and I are still married as she didn't think I was good enough for him!

Yes, it is, kitty. Some of the staff are good. I know I couldn't do the job.

After telling her that my husband had died three years ago, she then asked me how my parents were so I thought there was no point in lying about that either and told her they had died ten years ago. She asked me to take her to London to find her sister who had obviously got lost there. Her parents were very worried.
As far as I am aware, she has never been to London in her life! Neither had her sister.

They tell you to go along with them as otherwise it could be upsetting. There was no way I could get out of telling her her son was dead this time. I usually say he's out somewhere. It does not occur to some of the staff that it's actually quite upsetting for me. I have occasionally not been able to drive home straight away, because of the tears that come as soon as I have left her.

rosetinted I'm so sorry to hear about the guilt and distress you are feeling. I think, as others have said, it is all too easy for people to feel guilty about the way they've brought up their children or the way they've treated their parents.

I can quite understand how you feel and I hope that you can be kinder to yourself as it is quite clear that you are doing your best in a very difficult situation. I agree with FlicketyB 's and others' comments and advice.

I commend you for what you are doing, particulary as your dad has not made life easy for your mum, you or anybody else.

Good post Eloethan.

Since this thread started my mum too has died. Not a sad thing as she really didn't want to be here.

I only want to send (((hugs))) to you rose, kitty, jen, and all of you going through it. I find I feel a lot better about mum now - and can remember the good times! But going through it is hard. And the Guilt. Oh, the Guilt! For me visiting increased as mum got worse - and more demanding - until the last 6 months when I was popping in daily (by then she was in a home close by). I can see now, with hindsight, that I let myself be ruled too much by Guilt. My health did suffer. In fact it was the care home staff who told me to go on holiday - away - to get a break before I broke.

Take care of yourselves. Remember the rule - first fasten your own oxygen mask before helping others.

Thank you Nfk. I'm lucky that, despite mum's efforts to divide and rule, my brothers and I do support each other - it's been a long journey but we are doing well!

Posted too soon!

I feel for anyone going through this on their own.

I am glad you are feeling better about your mum now.

I try to visit my Dad once a week. I'm going today! He remains quite jovial but is increasingly sleepy. I can only manage about an hour with him.
Do not feel guilty about not visiting your Dad rosetinted. I used to work in a care home. I was the night sister. We had some families who never visited, for reasons similar to yours. They had spoken to the management about the difficult relationship they had with their parent, everything was documented and all the staff were very understanding. We felt it was our job to be "family" to these people. Some were extremely challenging, but we could always find aspects of their individual personalities that were likeable. If you feel that visiting your Dad is too difficult, just remember that you are not alone, and don't carry around a burden of guilt!!!

Well said Hilda. Guilt is difficult to dodge sometimes though, isn't it! I make myself stay an hour with Mum but can sometimes manage longer. She always makes me feel so quilty when I go but, if I last longer than the hour, I refuse to feel bad.

If it has been really bad, I sometimes buy a bar of chocolate on the way home and stop somewhere nice and indulge in some 'me' time.