how often do you visit the care home

Now a bit puzzled. Didn't realise there was a second post. Yes that IS embarrassing.

LuckyDucky, ninathenana's mum sadly passed away some time ago.

However, I think your advice is so good and so thoughtful. I would have been delighted to have had these tips when my DMIL was in a care home. Perhaps you could start a new thread so that others can see them?

Yes LuckyDucky's advice is all good but I can't believe she posted again after I pointed out her error. That is insensitive.

And BTW LuckyDucky yes the thread was started in April two * years* ago !!!

www.taxresearch.org.uk/Blog/2015/10/23/another-private-sector-disaster-looks-like-its-coming-our-way-soon/

For anyone whose relatives are in a Four Seasons care home - like my mother in law is in now.
However, as it's the worst care home she has ever been in, its closure might not be a bad idea. She might get moved to a better one.

Hope you are ok nina.

Yes thankyou very much kitty I did have a "moment" but all ok now.

I just wonder if LuckyDucky is too embarrassed to come back and apologise

I do wonder why Gn put this thread in the daily newsletter type thingy!

Maybe they hadn't read through the thread either.
IMHO, I think some apologies are called for.

I was thinking of starting a similar thread when I spotted this. I am glad I read all the posts so I understand what has happened, but it is easy to skim through or miss pertinent comments with such a long thread. I also wonder why it has suddenly reappeared.
Nina and others in a similar situation - so sorry for you loss.
My Mum has been in CH for 14 months having lived with us for 4 years. She has Alzheimers and no short term memory. I visit weekly, but she doesn't remember what day it is and doesn't remark if I miss a week. Guilt is ingrained in all of us I think. I could easily visit more often as CH is 10 miles away but I, and everyone in this situation, need a life. I don't think she would benefit from more frequent visits. Mum gives me a beaming smile when she sees me, but I stay for an hour or less, depending on how things go. Conversation is minimal, she doesn't seem interested in old family photos, which surprised me, but she will play cards or dominoes which helps pass the time.
I wish we could all stop feeling guilty but it must be something in our genes!
Hugs to all.

ninathenana, you're not being callous - if you were callous you wouldn't feel guilty.

My comment was a knee jerk reaction to the original post - but I will now make a point of looking at the date at the top of the post. No offence intended, and very sorry if any was caused.

I have an elderly friend in a care home and I visit every week. She has 2 sons, 1 in this country and one in France; the one in France has never visited in the 3 years she has been there except for the funeral when his father died. The one in this country visits every few weeks or so. I am the one who keeps the toiletries topped up and buys the clothes etc. I am now getting reimbursed for this.
Some weeks my friend is quite 'with it' , other times she is very confused, but despite the confusion she always knows who I am. I have to agree with previous comments, that when the confusion is very bad the visits are very trying. I used to try and get her to remember things that had happened in the past but have now given up on that and just agree with whatever she says.
The saddest thing is that she doesn't want to be alive and hasn't done for at least two years; invariably she says that with luck she won't wake the following day. I have to admit that if I was in her position I would hope for the same as she has no quality of life whatsoever; since being in the care home she has never once been outside of it!

There some people who visit r natives in my.mum's home eveery day and stay for hours. They are the ones who make me feel guilty!

I have just returned from seeing my sister in a care home. I go every fortnight and it is a 120 mile journey round trip. She had a stroke and is aged 89. I am 83 and sometimes find it a real strain, but I go because I love her. She cannot talk but understands everything I say. Her look of love is worth every mile when I see her.

My mother is in an assisted living care home, for patients with Dementia. She is also profoundly deaf, partially sighted and an Insulin Dependent diabetic. She lives in Southampton and I live in London. I go down every Tuesday, to take her shopping, do her hospital and Drs appoints. I usually get there about 10am and leave about 6/7pm. It's a drive that takes me about 2and a half hours, depending on traffic (M25 then M3). She looks forward to me going down and counts the days until I get there. I am an only child so cannot share this with any siblings. Because she is profoundly deaf she is very isolated as she cannot communicate with the other residence, who are at varying degrees of dementia. The staff are excellent, and have to write everything down for her, as do I. but they don't have time to spend with her, as they are very short staffed.
I also look after my grandchildren 3 days a week doing school runs etc. they do not live locally to me, so 5.30am starts for me on those days. Retirement, what retirement, I haven't got time!!!!

P.s. I also look after an aunt and uncle in Dorset, in a care home they are 95 & 96. No children just me! My mum is 90yrs old. I get to visit them about once a month. My aunt has Alzheimers. And as my husband saids he likens her life to a 'goldfish bowl'

My dear mum was the same Nonny as yours. I would sit opposite her in the care home and she would say ' have you seen Val I haven't seen her for ages' or she would say ' can you go now I have to get dad's dinner on'. He had been deceased 7 years. So sad, she died in year 2000, I loved her and still miss her.

Hidge - you are an inspiration. What a wonderful sister you are, and your sister is blessed to have you.

My mother has vascular dementia too. She has deteriorated to the extent that she does not recognise anyone now, cannot speak, rarely gets out of bed and sleeps most of the time. However, her heart is sound, her appetite is good and the Care Home staff love her. I lively quite local but find it difficult to be with her for more than 30 minutes. I feel guilty about these fleeting visits but I can only stand talking to myself for that length of time. However, if she is awake, she looks at me and gabbles enthusiastically so I do feel she gets something out of my time with her, even if she doesn't know who I am. If she is sleeping, I chat to the staff instead to assure them of my continued commitment.
It is a very sad situation but she is safe and well cared for. I have done my best for her over the past 12 years as her condition deteriorated. I know I could not deal with her substantial physical and mental needs so, eventually, had to accept that professional help was the only option. Initially, she didn't want to go into a Care Home but I am so glad (for her own safety and well being) that I persuaded her to do so when she was relatively active although becoming a constant danger to herself. Her initial reluctance was replaced by a calm acceptance as she was no longer lonely and made lots of friends. Now, of course, that interaction has disappeared but her Care Home Manager assures me that she is not in pain and is happy. I will accept her view on the pain but can't agree that my mother is happy. Dementia is a curse.

My FIL passed away a few weeks ago having had dementia and Parkinsons for a few years.

He did still recognise us all but it was very difficult to have any sort of conversation with him. His voice had gone due to muscle weakness caused by the Parkinsons so he would shout at us if we couldn't understand him.

He did spend a week in a care home last October while his daughter was away (he lived with her) and we visited him every day while he was there. He would try to get up and leave with us when we had to go home. He didn't want to be left there but did understand that he couldn't stay at home without full time care. By this time he was pretty immobile and the only thing he could do for himself was eat a meal if it was cut up small.

It's very difficult when they want to stay in their own home - I know of a few elderly people in very poor health who still live alone but have carers come in maybe 4 times a day.

Having spent many months visiting both FIL and my late Mum in hospitals over the past 10 years or so it's heartbreaking to see that some elderly patients get very few visitors or none at all.

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